SATURDAY, 27 MAY
0413 ZULU
OUTSIDE SARAH MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN
WASHINGTON D.C.

Mic parked his rental car in front of Mac's building and turned off the engine. In the passenger seat, Mac sat unmoving, staring out the window. Mac had been quiet most of the night, ever since her dance with Harm. No, Mic had to admit, it had started before that, started when they had entered the ballroom. Or after he had made his announcement. He wasn't sure that he wanted to think about the reason behind Mac's mood.

Sighing heavily, Mic asked, "Are you alright, luv?"

Startled out of her thoughts, Mac turned to him and shrugged. "I'm just tired," she replied, rubbing the bridge of her nose as if to emphasize her point. "This case we were just on was a crazy one and we just made it back from Florida in time to change for the ball and race over there." Her excuse sounded lame, even to her own ears, but how could she explain this to him? The man she was practically engaged to had just moved halfway around the world for her, but her thoughts were consumed by one Harmon Rabb, Jr.

"Are you sure?" he pressed gently. "You seemed happy to see me, but then. . . ." he trailed off.

"Of course, I was – am glad to see you," she retorted, perhaps a bit more strongly than she had intended. She sighed before continuing in a more even tone of voice, "It's always good to see you. You just caught me off-guard."

"I'm sorry, luv," Mic said, hoping to smooth things over, praying that Renee wasn't right about everything, hoping that this wasn't a losing battle that his heart was waging. "I just wanted to surprise you."

"Oh, Mic," Mac responded, smiling in an effort to easy the tension in the car. He was being so sweet; it wasn't his fault that her heart was in such a quandary. "I was definitely surprised." How true those words were, she thought.

"Good," Mic answered, although he wasn't so sure that it was a good thing. He tried to close his mind to the memory of her in the arms of another man, but the image of Harm and Mac together on the dance floor haunted him. Time to try to think about something else. "So what are your plans for this weekend?"

Mac was grateful for the change of subject. She just didn't want to think anymore about his sudden appearance back in her life and what it was doing to her. "Nothing really tomorrow, family day at the park on Sunday with Bud, Harriet and my godson," she replied. Mic had been partnered with Sydney again on the dance floor when Harriet had approached her about the picnic and Mac had readily agreed to attend. She didn't see the point in mentioning Harm's planned presence at the gathering to Mic.

But Mic knew. Harm was little AJ's other godparent. It would make sense for Harm to be included in Sunday's 'family day'. But Mic didn't want to start a fight, decided that there were some things he was better off not asking, not knowing. At least not right now.

"How about we grab some lunch tomorrow, maybe go to a movie?" he suggested.

Mac nodded, pleasantly surprised. She had half expected, based on past experience, that Mic would want to try to monopolize her leisure time now that he was back in the States. She didn't think she'd have a problem with lunch and a movie. "Okay, I think I would like that," she replied, a genuine smile on her face.

Mic was pleased that she agreed. Maybe Renee was just being paranoid; maybe he still did have a chance with Mac. "What do you say I pick you up at noon?" he asked.

"Works for me. How should I dress?"

"Casual is fine, luv," he answered, feeling more confident with each passing moment. "I was thinking about the Hard Rock Café for lunch. How about you pick the movie?"

"Okay. Do you have a particular type of movie in mind?" she asked.

"Whatever makes you happy, luv," he answered as he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. "Good night, Sarah."

Again, he managed to surprise her. Maybe his presence in Washington wasn't meant to put pressure on her for a decision, as she had feared. She got out of the car and headed for the front door of her building, turning back to wave as he drove off.

Once inside her apartment, Mac leaned back against the closed door and closed her eyes. 'Whatever makes you happy, luv', he had said. But just what would make Sarah Mackenzie happy?

-----

0413 ZULU
HARM RABB'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION
WASHINGTON D.C.

Harm pushed the door closed behind him and removed the jacket of his mess dress uniform, tossing it on the couch with a heavy sigh. He had been distracted all evening, ever since Mic had dropped his little bombshell. And then he had held Mac in his arms for a few moments as they danced and it was as if time had stood still for the two of them, as if all their problems and fears had disappeared for a few stolen moments on the dance floor.

He walked over to the window and looked out into the dark night, trying to sort through his thoughts. When Brumby had been recalled back to Australia, it had been so easy to forget that he had ever intruded on their lives. Then they had traveled to Australia earlier in the year and everything had fallen apart. First, that night on the ferry, when he couldn't let go. Then, Mic had asked Mac to marry him. Seeing her at the airport, wearing Mic's ring, kissing him in front of everyone, had cut through Harm's soul like a knife.

Then they had come back to the States, Brumby had stayed behind in Australia, and Harm had retreated even further away, throwing himself into his work and his relationship with Renee. Most of all, he tried to follow the Admiral's advice to 'never look back'.

And he failed miserably. How many times a day would a steal a glance at Mac's hands, just to make sure that she hadn't moved the ring from right to left? How often had he nearly slipped and called Renee 'Mac'? How many times, in the darkest depths of the night, would he wish that he could find the strength and courage to undo the mistakes he had made, most importantly the mistake that he knew in his heart had pushed Mac into Brumby's arms in the first place, the one he had made under the stars on a warm summer night in Sydney Harbor?

But now Brumby was back and was apparently going to be a permanent fixture in their lives. And the normally self-assured, confident Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. had to admit, even if only to himself, that he could not deal with the pain in his heart.

Turning from the window, his eyes fell on his guitar resting on a chair in the corner of the dining area. Picking it up and sitting down, he strummed a few random cords with a heavy heart. Without even realizing it, he began playing "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?", the same song that he, Mac and Bud had all sung together in the bar a few years earlier at the time that Mac had broken up with Dalton Lowne and he and Bud were having problems with Annie and Harriet, respectively.

As the last notes of the song faded away, Harm set the guitar down carefully and rose from the chair. 'I know I've got to find some kind of peace of mind.' The line from the song echoed in his head as he changed out of the rest of his uniform and climbed into bed. He laid there for a while, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about the possibility of Brumby going home with Mac, sharing her bed.

When that didn't work, he tried reminding himself that he had a girlfriend, but his mind stubbornly kept drifting back to Mac. He could see her clearly, her red dress hugging every curve. He could feel her as if they were still out on the dance floor, wrapped in each other's arms as the music reflected the tortured feelings in his heart.

Even after he drifted off to sleep, his dreams were haunted by lost chances and broken dreams and a piece of his soul drifting away like a wisp of smoke on the wind.

-----

1000 ZULU
ROCK CREEK PARK
WASHINGTON D.C.

After only a few hours of restless sleep, Harm had finally gotten frustrated enough to crawl out of bed. Looking to burn off some of his excess energy and hoping to wear himself out enough to get some more sleep, Harm had dressed in a pair of blue shorts, a Naval Academy t-shirt and cap, and headed for the early morning peace and solitude of Rock Creek Park.

When he arrived at the park, Harm found himself in luck. Since it was a Saturday and most people were still in bed at this hour, the jogging trails were nearly deserted. Harm figured to spend a few hours wearing himself out on the trails before heading back to his apartment for what he hoped would be several hours of sound sleep.

Keeping up a steady, brisk pace around the park, Harm tried to clear his mind, but it remained stubbornly fixed on Mac and the reaction he had seen in her eyes when Brumby had made his announcement. For someone who was practically engaged to the man, she sure had not looked happy to have him back in D.C. on a permanent basis. But there had been something else, almost a look of pleading in her eyes when their eyes had met in the hallway, as if she had been silently begging for his help. But help with what? Help to make a decision about Brumby?

And then he had held her in his arms and for a few moments, he had been able to forget that Brumby existed, that Renee was in his life, that the night in Sydney had ever happened. For a few magical minutes, no one else had existed but the two of them.

All too soon, reality had intruded on his fantasy world and everything had gone on as before. Brumby was still there and so was Renee. And the stress and strain of the past year between him and Mac was still there. And it was all tearing him apart.

As Harm rounded a corner on the path, he was brought up short by the sight of his favorite jarhead jogging in his direction, the red headband holding her hair off her face matching the red of her USMC t-shirt. He leaned casually against a tree and watched her approach his position, while she remained unaware that he was there. As he waited for her to reach him, he thought in passing that Brumby wasn't with her.

Caught up in her own tortured thoughts, Mac had almost passed Harm by before she noticed him out of the corner of her eye. Pulling up, she turned and headed for him. "Hi, Flyboy," she said, almost self-consciously, as if she wasn't entirely comfortable seeing him. And her voice was missing the usual teasing tone she used when employing her favorite nickname for him.

"Hi, yourself," he replied pleasantly, his usual 'flyboy' grin on his face as he studied her. As if nothing was wrong. "Nice place for a morning jog."

"It is," she agreed, then added impishly, "At least we're not that far from Bethesda if you have another accident."

Despite the tension of the last twelve hours, of the last twelve months, Harm couldn't help laughing at the comment, remembering how he had gotten hit by a car while jogging with her a few years back and they had found themselves in the middle of a hostage situation at a local hospital. "As long as there aren't any terrorists in residence this time," he teased back.

Mac found herself laughing, too. Even when she was feeling her bluest, Harm had this charming way of saying exactly the right thing to cheer her up. She found herself voicing the thought, "How is it that you know exactly the thing to say to make me laugh?"

Harm contemplated her for a moment before asking, a serious note to his voice, "Do you need to be cheered up?"

Without a word, Mac sat down on the ground in front of him, looking off into the distance. It was a few minutes before she replied quietly, "Yes, maybe. . . I don't know. I should be happy, shouldn't I?"

Harm sat cross-legged next to her and looked at her, but she continued to look away. In her voice, he had heard a reflection of his own tortured thoughts. "I don't know," he replied honestly. "I think the only person who can answer that question is Sarah Mackenzie."

Mac sighed heavily. "That's the problem," she said sadly. "Sarah doesn't know how to answer the question." She stopped suddenly and laughed bitterly. "How did we get to this point anyway?"

Harm stared at her as he recalled saying those exact same words to her on the USS Watertown over a year ago. "I don't know," he answered quietly, "but this is definitely a little more than a bump in the road."

"Yeah, it is," she admitted. God, she thought, I can't discuss this now. I can't deal with it right now. Mac quickly stood and brushed dirt and stray blades of grass off her shorts. She looked down, but avoided looking directly at him. That would have been too hard. "I've got things I need to do today," she said. "I really need to get going. I'll see you here tomorrow, okay?" She turned and started to walk away.

Harm jumped up and started after her. "Wait, Mac," he called after her. She stopped, but didn't turn to face him.

"Harm, please don't," she begged, not even trying to hide the shakiness in her voice. "Not now." She took off again down the path, leaving Harm standing in the middle of the path, staring after her helplessly.

-----

Continued in Can't Fight This Feeling Chapter II – Can't Hold Out Forever