Chapter 11: A Sirius Conversation.

Today.

Remus walked inside the dark house. He sighed when Mrs Black's portrait started screaming at him but ignored her curses and moved inside the house towards the kitchen. He assumed no one was there and it suited him quite well, that way he could wallow in his own sorrow.

Walking inside the deserted kitchen, he searched for the bottle of fire whiskey that was usually there. Finding it quite easilly he turned to the living room and sat on one of the couches and opened it. Mrs Black continued to scream but he ignored her. Watching the bottle with tired eyes he grabbed it and took a swig.

"YOU FILTHY MUDBLOODS, HALFBREEDS…LEAVE THIS HOUSE…"

He sighed and then drank some more, feeling the alcohol consuming his body. He just couldn't deal with it anymore. All the lies…all the bad choises they made, the bad choises he made. It was all his fault! If it werent for him…

"SCUM OF THE EARTH! BLOOD TRAITORS…"

Taking another long swig he got up from his chair and sent the bottle flying to the other side of the room where it smashed against the wall. It was his fault…he was to blame for the deaths of his friends and he definitely got his punishment, after all wasn't he the last one? Didn't he watch them all die?

All but one. His mind reminded him. But was Wormtail the real traitor? Remus shook his head violently. It was all his fault…his actions killed his friends. His own need for a mate and a familly brought the downfall of all his friends and now he was the only one left…might as well get this over with…

He reached down and grabbed a large piece of glass that was once an expensive whiskey bottle and slowly cut his left hand. The blood streamed almost immediately from the deep wound and Remus breathed shakilly…this wasn't going to work, he needed silver, where was he going to find silver in this dammed house?

"WEREWOLVES…MONSTERS…RUBBISH!!"

Remus let out a cry of frustration and then froze in his place when he realized he was howling. He laughed bitterly…of course he was howling, after all, he was nothing more then an animal! Leaning his head against the wall, he sighed.

"REMUS!!"

The frightened cry startled him and he turned to look at what seemed like Sirius's feminine version. Nimphadora Tonks stood infront of him, her brown eyes wide with fear and her black hair falling on her shoulders.

He stared at her for a moment, a horrible smile on his lips. "Go away, Tonks." He growled at her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tonks found her voice and kneeled next to him on the floor. She eyed his injured wrists with worry and reached out for her wand. The moment her wand touched his wrists he pushed her away from him and got up from his position on the floor.

"Leave me alone, Tonks!" he snapped and she stared at him with awe. For a moment there she didn't see him as the good and kind Remus Lupin. For a moment there she saw him the way he always appeared to be in Moody's stories. For a moment she saw one of the Order of the Phoenix's best agents the way he was before his world collapsed. And for a single moment, she saw the wolf that was inside.

Remus walked back and forward in the room like a caged animal. Growling uncoherent words. Tonks watched with worry at his still bleeding wrists but didn't dare move a muscle. "You don't understand!" He spated finally. "It's all MY fault!"

"HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS?"

With a painfull howl Remus collapsed to the floor. "Head spining…" he mumbled.

"Remus…" Tonks reached out for him but he grabbed her wrists painfully and stared at her, his eyes mad and unfocused.

"My fault…" He growled. "I killed James and Lily! I sent Sirius to Azkaban! I nearly killed my own wife!!" He screamed.

"What are you talking about?" she asked shakilly, not daring to fight the strong hands that pinned her to her place.

He laughed bitterly. "She had the wizard flu…the wizard flu…and I tried to force feed her! I nearly killed her. And…and…so many years ago it was I who forgot to lock the door…I was late for the meeting and she was asleep and I didn't say goodbye…" He was sobbing now and Tonks was having trouble realizing what he was saying. "And everything was burning…all my life…"

"Remus…" she managed to free her hands from his grasp and caressed his hair softly. "Your wife needs you now…you can't break down like this…Everyone needs you here…Harry needs you…"

With a frustrated howl Remus got up from the floor only to collapse again on the sofa. "It's my fault." He whispered. "It's my fault that Harry is the one that has to fight Voldemort."

Tonks stared at him with her mouth open. He closed his eyes and passed out.

"DIE! YOU MUDBLOODS…"

Then. December 1979.

Rose stared at her feet, smiling a stupid smile to herself. She knew she looked silly, but simply couldn't stop smiling. She was standing in her office and stared at the parchment that held the source of her happiness. A sharp knock on the door interrupted her and she raised her eyes to meet Lily's smiling face.

"Well?" the red haired witch asked.

"It says yes!" Rose tried hard not to grin but failed miserbly when her friend enveloped her with a hug.

"Congratulations!" Lily smiled. "Since when?"

"I think it's from the wedding night." Rose admitted. "I didn't remind him to do this charm and he was obviously…busy hmmm…doing other things…"

Lily burst out laughing and hugged her friend again. "I'm so happy for you guys. Remus is gonna be an amazing father."

"Yeah, I know he will. How about you guys?"

"Well, I have this feeling that last night was a succses." Lily grinned and Rose giggled.

"A succes? What do you mean by that?"

"Well…" Lily turned serious. "We've been trying to have a baby for two months now and we've been trying a lot…" A wide grin appeared on her lips. "And I was getting worried. But last night was so wonderfull so I can't help but feeling…" She shrugged and Rose smiled at her.

"Well, you'll know soon enough…"

"Remus Joshua Lupin!" Rose screamed when she entered the small house and Sirius grinned wildly at his friend. Rose hurried towards the bedroom where her husband was laying on the bed covered with a thick blanket. "Tell me this isnt your motorcycle outside!" Remus smiled faintly and Sirius laughed.

"Your middle name is Joshua? Relax, Rose, it's mine."

"Yours? Have you lost your mind, Sirius?"

His grin only grew wider when he heard that. "I was always crazy, you know."

Rose shook her head and smiled at Remus that looked exhausted. He had a long red scratch on his neck and dark circles under his eyes. "How do you feel?" She asked.

"I had worse full moons." He shrugged and winced a little.

"Come on, Sirius, we'll let him sleep a bit." Sirius nodded and left the room, following her to the kitchen. Once there, he sat next to the table and gratfully accepted the glass of coffee she offered.

"Was it really that easy?" She asked.

"Not really." He shrugged. "I gave him that scratch. I'm sorry but he kinda lost control for a second."

She sat infront of him, her hazel eyes gazing his own. "You are a wonderfull friend, Sirius."

Sirius felt his face turning red and smiled a little. "Thank you. I haven't seen you in a while. I miss our serious conversations."

"Talk then." She smiled.

"What can I do? You're the only one I can talk to about weird stuff I can't talk with them." He grinned and then raised his eyebrows. "How are the marrige life?"

"Good…very good. I'm happy." She then sighed and looked at his eyes again. "You and I are very much alike, Sirius. We have nothing in this world but our friends."

"You have Remus." Sirius said.

"Maybe you should get yourself a wife." She suggested and to her surprise he turned more serious then she ever saw him. "I'm sorry, what did I say?"

"I just…there is a reason why I never got serious with anyone." He whispered. "It's just that…I have this feeling…that I don't have that much time left…I don't wanna leave someone I love behind…"

Rose gasped and stared at him. "What are you talking about?" She hissed.

"I had this feeling since fifth year when we turned to animagus. Have you ever seen my animagi form?"

"You're a black dog." She said and he shook his head and transfoinfront of her.

Her eyes grew wide as she stared at the sight of death infront of her. It was the ultimate death sign that appeared when ever death was near. She stood face to face with the Grim. He transformed back with a faint 'pop' and she still stared at him.

"I'm the spitting image of a Grim. I can't explain it, Rose, but I know…I know that I don't have much time. That's why I was Hogwarts player and that's why I'm an auror and that's also why I bought that motorcycle."

"You make me feel selfish." She whispered and he met her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"I feel that too." She whispered and Sirius had to try hard to hear her next words. "I felt this after I left my father in Umbridge's office in our seventh year. It's like I'm standing in a room and the walls are closing on me and one day…I wouldn't be able to run anymore."

"Don't feel selfish." He caressed her hand. "You made Remus a very happy man. Even if…even if it wont last forever…" He chocked on his last words and Rose saw tears falling from his eyes. She shaked his hand feeling her own tears streaming down her face. "And I know he'll be extremely happy…" he paused for a moment to wipe the tears from his eyes. "When you'll tell him that you carry his baby."

Rose's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

Sirius laughed. "You kept caressing your stomach…I was merely guessing."

Rose laughed and hugged him tightly. His hands caressed her back in a friendly matter and then he broke away from her and smiled. "I will always envy Remus for having someone like you." He said, smiling. Rose blushed and walked him to the door.

"Thank you for being with him last night." She said and he nodded his head.

"Any time." He climbed his bike. "I'll see you soon, Rosie…"

"Bye, Sirius."

And she watched him flying away, her heart slowly sinking.

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A lot of hints on this one…I think I told you guys everything without actually telling anything at all…It was really hard to write…especially the Sirius's bit…

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