Disclaimer: See Chapter One
Updated: Wednesday 6th April 2005
Chapter Fifty Seven: The Place Between.
Estella was floating. The last thing she could remember was casting a defensive shield to fend off the slithering shadow of the approaching Basilisk and then nothing, blackness. When she had awoken, she was alarmed to find herself in spiritual form, gazing over her corporeal being below on the infirmary cot. Her Uncle was stooped low in his chair, his head resting in his arms that were balancing on the side of the bed. Judging by the dark quiet of the room, it was night time, though how many days had passed Estella did not know.
"Estella…" A woman's voice called, getting louder.
Suddenly, Estella wasn't in the Hogwarts infirmary anymore, she was in her bed in her room at the house Remus lived in. Her parents home. Sitting up abruptly, Estella rubbed her eyes, trying to discern if the landscape before her were real or not.
"You aren't really here, child." The woman's voice said softly as a figure slowly came into form, sitting on the side of the bed. "This is the place between sleep and wake. You are aware of it because your present state has awoken your subconscious."
"Mum?" Estella's eyes widened. "Is it really you?"
"Yes sweetheart, it's really me." Selina said sadly, caressing Estella's cheek.
"But if this is my subconscious…" Estella was sceptical.
"You are a part of me, and I am a part of you." Selina said by way of explanation. "I have always been here, with you. Watching, just watching. Until now."
"Oh Mum!" Estella strangled a sob, throwing herself into her mother's arms for the first time in her life.
For a long while, they were content to just hold each other.
"When I was pregnant with you, I used to dream of this." Her mother said softly into her hair, breathing in the scent. "Tucking you in at night in this room, watching you take your first steps on the rug, teaching you how to read in the armchair, showing you your father's star in the night sky…"
"Sirius?" Estella asked, turning her head up to look at her mother.
"How I miss him so." She sighed, looking out the window and into the night sky mournfully. "I cannot see him where he is."
"Neither can I." Estella said, holding her mother tighter. "But I don't know if I'd want to either."
Selina pulled away suddenly and held Estella at arms length, giving her a scrutinising look. "Your father loves you oh so much, Estella." She said firmly. "More so than he even loved me. You are his child, Estella, and that bond is a powerful thing. I envy that you have that, but at the same time I am glad because it is what keeps me with you now."
"But I don't want to be his child!" Estella said softly. "He did bad things! You don't know…"
"Hush my baby," Selina interrupted, stilling Estella's words with a hand to her lips. "I didn't come here to upset you. I know your father inside-out, and I know that he is capable of making mistakes just like my brother. I also know that neither of them would ever do anything to deliberately hurt you. Promise me you will remember that in times to come."
Estella nodded dumbly. "I promise." She whispered, trying to memorise every inch of her mother, who was pulling away again.
"I have to go now, your Uncle is waking up. He'll want you to listen to him." Selina said knowingly as they suddenly reappeared hovering over the early morning bustle of the Hogwarts Infirmary. "Remember what I said, Estella darling. Remember that I love you and will be with you always."
Estella turned around alarmed, "Y-you won't stay with me until I am revived?"
Selina looked at her sadly. "I'll never leave you child, but I am not able to take form in your subconscious for much longer."
"Why not?" Estella said, her breathing hitched.
"It's draining too much of your magic. You will lapse into a coma and might never awaken." Selina explained. "And even if you did, you will find it too difficult to readjust to living. I'm so proud of you, Estella. Don't ever forget."
Estella nodded reluctantly. Deep down she knew what her mother was saying was true. If her mother was going to stay with her every minute that she lay petrified, she didn't know if she'd even want to wake up when the time came. "I love you, Mum." She said softly. "Will I ever see you again?"
"I'll be with you in your dreams, sweetheart. Waiting in the place between sleep and wake." Selina said, cupping Estella's face in her hands and kissing her forehead before fading away.
Sighing deeply, Estella was roused from savouring the lingering presence of her mother by her Uncle's scratchy voice. Over the days, weeks and months that followed, Estella was truly touched by just how much her Uncle really cared for her. Her fears that he was feeling obliged to raise her and that her presence in his life came at the cost of him starting his own family were, as she was soon to discover, unfounded. As she listened to her Uncle pour out his soul – even going so far as to tell her why he hadn't been so open with her all along – Estella's spiritual form was left tingling with warmth and contentment.
She was also warmed to realise just how much the acquaintances she had made in her study groups and classes really seemed to care for her – they were really going out of their way to keep her up to date in her studies and abridged on the day to day happenings of the school. It was thanks to their ministrations that Estella was able to spend her time reciting her responses to essay questions to herself, memorising the work by heart so that writing them out when she awoke or submitting them by pensieve would be possible.
When her Uncle started giving them all house points on the sly, she would have fallen over in shock had her physical self not been in a petrified state. Far from being bored in that bed day in and day out, Estella learnt a lot about herself and the life she was blessed with. It was a refreshing time for introspection and reflection that enabled her to get a more stable reign on her warring hormones and emotions and sort herself out.
The only frustrating thing about being petrified was not being able to eat or tell anyone that the creature of the Chamber of Secrets was a Basilisk. Her body being in a perfectly preserved state, she physically did not require sustenance, but in her subconscious spiritual form she missed the senses of touch, of taste, of smell. Why she could still see what was around her and hear she assumed was just one of those predetermined things. She wasn't entirely sure, but maybe it had something to do with the order in which the foetus became aware of its senses in utero.
Being so conditioned by its usual bodily needs, Estella rested her mind each night as though sleeping. It not only made the time go faster, but it gave her an opportunity to dream. Although she had yet to recall a dream with enough lucidity to discern her mother's presence, whenever she awoke particularly happy or refreshed she knew her mother had been with her, implanting stories and songs and emotions into her subconscious. After her first nightmare in her petrified state, Estella realised with stark clarity that the strange warmth she had felt – just like she had felt after such dreams in the past – was attributable to the lingering effect of her mother's soothing reassurances. From that, she realised suddenly that it didn't really matter if she remembered exactly what happened in the time between sleep and wake. All that mattered was that she knew her mother was with her.
She was not alone.
End Chapter: The Place Between