Disclaimer: Chapter one
Updated: Saturday 9th April
Chapter Sixty One: Finding OutAll blood had drained from Estella's face, and she felt dizzy. Her Uncle and Godfather had not just explained to her that her father had escaped, but that he had been imprisoned for murdering a 'street full' of Muggles and betraying Harry's parents.
"But he was their friend!" She cried. "H-how? W-w-why? Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"Your Uncle and I didn't think you were ready to understand." Remus said, wrapping his arm around the broken child as she sat next to him on the lounge. "Merlin, I still don't understand it myself."
"T-t-t-hey were your friends." She stated, burying her head in Remus' chest, he shoulders shaking with her sobs.
"Yes." Remus said, swallowing back his own lump of emotion.
Estella pulled back from Remus' embrace. "Does Harry know?"
Severus took a deep breath from his place leaning against the wall. "I don't believe he even knows your father was his Godfather."
"He… what?" Estella's jaw dropped. "I think I'm going to be ill."
"Shhh, cub." Remus cooed, rubbing soothing circles on her back and pushing her forward gently. "Lean forward and put your head between your knees. That's it… now, deep breaths, Estella. Severus?"
"I'll fetch a calming draught." He responded, unfolding his arms and pushing off from the wall, bound for the Kitchen.
"He's going to hate me." Estella said mournfully as she leant back in her chair, the worst of her queasiness over. "I don't even know how you can love me like you do."
Remus reeled back in shock. "Why wouldn't I think the world of you, Missy? Because you think I would hold you accountable? Merlin no! Never!" Remus cupped Estella's face in his hands to force her to look at him. "Sweetheart, I love you with all my heart. You are my life. Don't you dare doubt it!"
From out in the hall, Severus sighed. How he wished he could carry his emotions on his sleeve like that without the risk of exposing his vulnerabilities to an unseen enemy. He re-entered the room just as Remus was pulling Estella in for another embrace.
"But I don't understand why, Uncle Remus! If Uncle Sev can hate Harry for something James Potter did, then surely Harry will hate me and you should too for what he did!"
Remus shot Severus a look as the man re-entered the room .
"Contrary to your impression, I do not hate Potter. I dislike what he stands for and detest that he is wasting his potential, but I would not wish him harm." Severus admitted, swallowing his pride. "Besides, it would seem very suspicious for the children of families who would have soon as seen the boy die that night and the Dark Lord still in power if I were to openly encourage the boy to achieve or be anything but a unfair critic towards him."
"Life isn't fair." Estella confirmed his sentiments, sniffing loudly. "Couldn't you at least tell Harry your intentions?"
"It would not be safe to compromise my…"
"Fine." Estella said, rubbing her forehead. "You didn't happen to bring any headache potion up with you?"
"Here." Severus said, smirking. "Drink. Don't concern yourself with Potter. If he holds you accountable for the sins of your father then he isn't worth your time."
Estella and Remus exchanged a incredulous look, gaping at Severus' profound observation that was in direct contradiction to his own methodology.
Shortly thereafter, Estella and Severus returned to the school, with Remus promising to have a surprise for her when he saw her off at the Platform (which she would be port-keying to this year). The last two weeks of Summer she then spent in the dungeon quarters her Uncle called home, brewing potions and reviewing the set texts for the term ahead.
"At least it looks like we're getting a decent DADA teacher this year!" Estella exclaimed over dinner one night as she reluctantly put down the textbook to eat. Ever since the escape and Estella's subsequent return to the school, she had felt the scrutinising looks of pity on her everywhere she went; and so she and Severus had taken to having their meals in the comfort of their private quarters.
Severus looked up from his food at what she said, an unreadable expression on his face. "Are you taking your trunk with you on the train or should I have Lena deliver it to your dorm in the morning?"
"Normally, I'd say I want to be like every other student and lug the bloody thing to the station myself." She said, ignoring her Uncle's warning glare at the use of language. "But I think I might just send it up to the dorms in the morning. It might be… safer… that way?"
"Indeed." Severus said knowingly, a quirk in his lips. "Though I daresay you will be in quite safe company on the train."
Sure enough, the next morning when she arrived at Kings Cross station her Godfather was there waiting for her.
"Rough night?" Estella asked cryptically. The night before was a full moon. "Thanks for coming though; not that saying goodbye is much fun."
To Estella's surprise, her Uncle smiled. "I'm sure we don't have to say goodbye just yet." He said, his eyes twinkling. "Why don't I help you find a seat on the train?"
"You can do that?" Estella asked, surprised.
Remus nodded, his smile widening. "If you have a TICKET!" He said, waving his ticket under her nose.
"What?" Estella asked, confused. "Are you catching the train to be my bodyguard or something? I didn't think…"
"Your Uncle tells me the assigned textbooks for Defence Against The Dark Arts this year are to your liking this year." He said, completely off topic, but still smiling like mad as he waited anxiously for the pieces to fall into place.
"Yeah, they're brilliant…" Estella gushed, stopping mid-sentence when it all began to click in her mind. "REMUS!"
"ESTELLA?"
"…Are you meaning to tell me that you are teaching this year?" Estella asked, holding her breath. Remus nodded. "Yes? Yes! Yes!" She squealed, hugging him tightly. "This is by far the best news I've heard all month!"
"Estella, it's the first of the month!" Remus jibed playfully, rolling his eyes.
As he sat in his office perusing over the class notes he had prepared for the semester ahead, Severus quickly found that his mind was in a different place. He was fixated on the house of his sister. Estella had been so at home there. Seeing her at ease within the walls his sister had decorated, cocooned in her bed every night surrounded by the loving environment she had created, absconded in the library, emersed in a book that was once one of Selina's favourites; Severus couldn't help but feel effected. This is what his niece's life would have been like had his sister not passed… if Black was not a convicted criminal. She would have grown within those walls, and if Selina had had two words to say about it, he again would have been a visitor during the Summer months, proprietor of the makeshift laboratory and in his brother-in-law's tolerance, a mark of the love the couple shared.
If only Selina hadn't died.
Flashback
Severus had the house to himself. Estella and her Godfather had gone to the Muggle Cinema – something Severus had no interest in. With no potions left to brew, Severus found himself wandering around the house, drawing out the lingering presence of his sister. He could tell immediately what had been her influence, and what had been the influence of her husband or later, permanent house guest. As he meandered through the rooms he silently mourned. One thing that was amiss, however, was that his sister's beloved piano was nowhere to be found.
Finding himself in the attic, Severus began to look. The room appeared as though no one had been up there for some time. There were signs of recent activity around some of the boxes, but no one had actually used the room. It was while he was sifting through some of his sister's things in a chest by the wall that he heard her.
"Severus?" A voice hitched, slightly muffled. "Good Merlin is that you?"
"Selina?" Severus dropped the book he had been flipping through in shock. Immediately discerning the location of the sound with his impeccable hearing, the potions master moved aside the boxes and uncovered the sheet that was concealing his sister's portrait.
"What happened to you?" Selina gasped, taking in her brother's harsh features.
"Life happened." Severus said quietly, the mask he was so accustomed to wearing slowly slipping. "I got old."
"How's my baby?" His sister asked sadly. "Thank you for taking care of her."
"Estella?" Severus clarified. "Wait a moment, how do you…"
"She… Remus… a few years ago now… I'm not sure." Selina's voice came in broken fragments as she struggled with her grieving emotions. "Oh these darn pregnancy hormones! I should never have gotten painted like this! I'm a complete train wreck…"
"I think you look beautiful." Severus said reverently. "I apologise for not…"
"Hush, Sev, I know you had a job to do." Selina assured him. "You're there for my baby now and that means so much more."
Severus bowed his head in a mix of relief, guilt and sadness. All those years he had been carrying the burden of believing that his sister had been 'turned' by Black and had thought ill of him for his absence during the majority of her pregnancy, it was a foreign feeling to feel that weight lifted… even if it was by just a portrait.
"Where is that errant husband of yours anyway?" Severus asked, eying the empty space next to Selina.
"Sirius? I don't know, he's probably torturing a portrait of his younger self somewhere or reliving James and Lily's wedding in the portrait at the manor." Selina said, despondently. "He's been distant and reclusive ever since Remus told him he was in Azkaban. I still can't fathom it… is it really true?"
Swallowing hard, Severus looked his sister in the eye – compassionate, loving, pleading eyes – and found he couldn't lie.
"Sirius is in Azkaban." Severus said guiltily. "Potter had changed Secret Keepers at the last moment; switching from Black to Pettigrew at the eleventh hour. Not enough people knew…"
Selina gasped. "Peter betrayed James and Lily?" She sobbed.
"He was initiated as a Death Eater several months previously." Severus said regrettably. "I couldn't find a way of telling you without blowing my cover… and at that stage Dumbledore was stressing the importance of my espionage…"
"You knew and you didn't tell James?" Selina scowled, her emotions changing like the tide on account of her pregnant state.
"Let me finish." Severus murmured. "If I thought for the life of me the Potters would chose someone other than Black as Secret Keeper I bloody well would have found a way, damn it!"
He ran a shaking hand through his hair irritably, having gone through his misguided actions many times in his mind; it didn't compare with coming clean with the visage of his dead sister. "When I found out that Peter knew their location and that Voldemort was going to attack, of course I tried to warn them." He said bitterly. "It just happened that I was arrested by Aurors under suspicion of being a dark wizard before getting to them." Selina gasped. "By the time I was taken to an interrogation room, it was too late. The sadistic pigs viewed my 'useless' knowledge of the attack as an admission of guilt and sent me off to Azkaban."
"Oh Severus!" Selina cried, devastated at what the respective men in her family had to face. "However did you get out?"
"Dumbledore." Severus said simply, not too sure of the judicial processes that secured his release himself.
"What of Sirius?" Selina asked quietly after a few moments silence.
"He went after Pettigrew." Severus paused, trying to think of the best way to approach the issue without compromising his integrity. It gnawed at him that in the presence of his sister he actually felt ashamed at his calculated sabotage of Sirius' defence. "Cornered him in a Muggle street. A duel ensured, resulting in a explosion that killed 13 Muggles and all but destroyed any trace of Pettigrew's body. All they found was his finger."
Selina furrowed her brow, mulling over the facts. "I know Sirius can be rash…" She frowned. "But I don't believe he'd be so careless."
"You think Peter killed himself to frame…"
"No." Selina said darkly. "I will bet my child's life that the son-of-a-whore is still alive."
Severus reeled. "Even so," he said in measured tones. "Short of finding him, there's no evidence that would clear Black of killing those Muggles."
"What about the trial? Did they not use veritaserum? What about Priori Incantatem on his wand?"
"There was no trial." Severus said quietly, mentally counting the seconds in his head until his sister's reaction.
"WHAT?" Selina shouted. "Could you not have fought for one? For my child's sake?"
"Selina… I was in Azkaban for nearly five months." Severus said exasperatedly. "By the time I got out it was too late… besides, I had only just barely escaped a life sentence myself. I would have had no credibility."
"I suppose you're right." Selina admitted, grudgingly. "But what of Estella? What happened to her… while you were…"
"She was taken care of." Severus said carefully. "It's in the past now by any means."
"Severus!" Selina glared at him. "I need to know. I deserve to know. Remus didn't tell us nearly enough. Goddamn it Severus I may be a portrait but I'm still her mother."
"Azkaban Asylum." Severus whispered, looking straight into his sister's eyes with burning intensity.
Selina baulked, tears cascading down her face as she stroked her swollen belly protectively. "My poor baby…" She sobbed. "We had it all planned, Severus! Everything! Her bedroom, clothes, toys… we even fought in advance over who was going to hold her the most and attend to her night feeds! She didn't deserve to …not see and feel how much we love her… Merlin Severus I can still feel her kicking inside me. I feel like she's with me always and yet I know I'm missing out on so much."
Sure enough, if Severus looked closely he could see the material that was pulled tightly over his sister's belly ripple and move slightly. Reaching out to touch the canvas, brushing the raised oil brushstrokes with the feather touch of his fingers, Severus closed his eyes and tried to imagine he was back in time 12 years.
"Tell me about her, Severus." Selina voice cut into the thick atmosphere like a
cool breeze lifting a fog. "What is she like?"
Severus spent most of the afternoon thereafter telling his sister about Estella's childhood with him and answering as many questions as he could.
"The piano?" Selina laughed as their conversation wound down to a close. "Why I shrunk it and put it in the Doll's house. It's over there behind that pathetic excuse for a duelling platform. I wanted to put the Doll's House in the nursery straight away, but Sirius was concerned about all the small pieces. Like our baby would have been left alone long enough for the pieces to become a choking hazard! I suppose she's too old for it now."
"I think, with Estella, she was always 'too old' for children's games." Severus said, smirking.
"Reminds me of a brother I once knew." Selina retorted, watching after her only brother as he uncovered the Doll's house and extracted the shrunken piano. "What do you want with it anyway?"
"I thought if I gave Estella lessons, it would give her a legitimate excuse to visit during the term." Severus said wistfully. "It's so strange having her stay in the dorms during the year and then make her home here over the Summer."
"Thank you for letting Remus be such an important part of her life." Selina said suddenly. "I'm glad you're not trying to do it on your own. Though I still think you're mad for not getting married and giving Estella little brothers and sisters; well, cousins really."
"There are only three women in this world that could ever tolerate me." Severus said, his lips fighting back a grin. "You, Mother and Estella."
Selina laughed. "Good luck with the lessons then!" She said, shooing him off. "Now go! Don't think I haven't noticed that you've skipped a meal to be here."
Severus said his goodbyes with his heart a whole lot lighter. Setting the shiny black baby grand up in the Library, his face back in its normal impassive mask, he found he couldn't resist the temptation. After having not played a note in almost fifteen years, the keys before him were now beckoning to him… aching with the undying need to create. As he flipped the tail of his robes over the cool leather bench and sat down poised to play, Severus was quick to discover that playing the piano was not unlike riding a broomstick – you never forgot. His fingers running experimentally over the keys, conditioned memories of symphonies and sonatas flooded his consciousness, causing his fingers to move on their own accord. Before he knew it, he was halfway through Bach's Goldberg Variations, and he was enjoying himself immensely. He had long forgotten the seductive allure of creation, the sensuous feel of vibration and sound… of pounding his emotions out on the keys as his favourite pieces moved in waves of crescendos, giving his heart song.
"Wow." A voice said softly from behind him. It was Estella. "That was amazing! I'd heard you played, but I didn't know anyone could play like that!"
"Where's your Godfather?" Severus asked, feeling out of his element as his only audience in the past had been his instructor or his sister.
"He had to go pick up some things from the store. I let myself in." Estella said distractedly as she took in the majestic form of the piano and sat next to him on the bench. "Can you play something else for me?"
Severus nodded hesitantly. "What was that movie you saw today? The one with the big ugly dog?"
"Beethoven." Estella said. "It was the dog's name."
"Such a mockery to a great man." Severus shook his head, snorting indignantly. "Most historical composers were Wizards you know, that's the only way their work has managed to last the centuries in both our worlds."
"Oh." Estella said. "Do you know any Beethoven?"
"Does a potion master work with cauldrons?" He retorted, his voice thick with sarcasm. "Watch and learn, my young apprentice."
Estella rolled her eyes in response, giving him a knowing look. Severus was loath to admit it, but he really enjoyed those Star Wars movies that his niece had made him sit through in what was a day long 'movie marathon'. Wracking his brain for a piece of Beethoven he could showcase to his niece, he couldn't help but smirk when he settled on a piece.
"In honour of tonight's full moon." He drawled, wishing for the first time that Lupin was actually in the room, as he started playing the mournful opening notes. "This is Beethoven's 14th Sonata, which people often refer to as Moonlight Sonata."
End Flashback
Estella had taken to the piano like a snitch to flight. With her sharp mind, graceful posture and long fingers she had the dexterity and cultivation to pick up on things very quickly. She was attentively observant and had an extremely good ear for experimenting and playing by example, thus making the concept of sheet reading and note association a simple process. This, combined with the precise coordination she had picked up through years of potion making, Severus was amazed at the speed in which she was progressing.
The piano now sat in an alcove in the living room of his quarters. In the time Estella had been confined to the four dungeon walls she had thrown herself into learning the fundamentals; to try and take her mind off recent events he was certain. When magical children learnt piano it was different to the more laborious methods employed by Muggle instructors. Whilst they learnt the concept of playing from sheet music the same way, many Wizarding children learnt their first pieces by having their hands charmed to play the notes on their own accord. The willing student would have to want to learn, and the instructor would have to be intimately familiar with each and every bar of the piece of music in question in order to implant the necessary actions in the unskilled pupil's hands. The teacher would have to cast the charm each time the song was to be played until the student's subconscious absorbed the magical suggestion and playing the piece became second nature to them.
Whilst it in theory it was thus easy for a family to have their child tutored magically with each and every piece of music known to man, it was more rewarding to ensure the student the independence and sense of accomplishment that came from turning notes on paper into glorious music. Students were initially impregnated with the preceding pianist's skills to give them a taste of what they could be capable of and train the fingers and mind in the art of coordination, timing and sheet reading (for as the hands mastered the piece, the student would learn to follow the notes they were playing on paper).
The Snape family itself was blessed for its musical prowess. With their delicate bone structure of long fingers, mental cunning and occlumency predisposition, its descendents had the correct physical and psychological disposition to be avid students and effective teachers. Severus and Selina, for example, had been taught by their father's sister. Severus was secretly glad that Estella had developed such a passion for piano too, because it meant she would come to his chambers on her own accord; and he wouldn't have to threaten her with detentions any longer.
The Sorting Ceremony was a glum affair for Estella. Still reeling from the adverse effects of the Dementors on the train, she felt particularly vulnerable to the furious whisperings and wary looks the students were giving her. Her Godfather had been asleep in the carriage as she sat with Harry, Ron and Hermione; as she had wanted him to rest his exhausted body and recover from the Full Moon in time for the feast.
When the Dementor had made its icy approach, fear gripped Estella's heart. Cold, dark nothingness haunted her mind as she found she couldn't move, or scream or get away from the heavily breathing beast that stalked her. Beyond the wolf's breathing and the soft patter of his feet, she could also hear a woman crying. The smell of blood filled her nostrils more intensely as the woman's cries ceased, leaving Estella alone in the cold dark place again, unable to move before the cycle repeated itself.
After Remus had woken with a start, sending the Dementor away with the jet of white light from his wand; he had revived both she and Harry and given them chocolate; making her promise that she would speak to either himself or her uncle if she had trouble coming to terms with the repressed memories the Dementor drew out in her. From what her Uncle told her about how her mother had died and where she had gone for the first few months of her life afterwards, Estella assumed that the blur of memories were all interconnected. From her mother's death to the infantile sense of abandonment she felt as she lay stunned and neglected in the dark Asylum, to the fear she felt when Moony had her cornered in the darkness of the shrieking shack, it was no wonder she was so afraid of the dark. Between herself and Harry, who had demons of his own, the Dementor must have been having a field day.
She couldn't believe her father was still of mind enough to escape after twelve years of such exposure. She had heard and overheard countless times from excited whisperings that rushed throughout the school like a brush fire, that no one had ever escaped from Azkaban before. Everyone was convinced her father was a cold blooded killer who was strong and resilient enough to not only endure the Dementors, but outsmart them. In all, people – including Estella - were scared of what the fugitive might be capable of next; and they looked to her with a mix of pity, awe and wariness.
'At least,' she thought sullenly, catching Harry's eye at the Gryffindor table, 'I know what Harry felt like last year.'
As she picked at her food half-heartedly, she stole a glance at her Uncle and Godfather at the head table, where they were occasionally looking over at her curiously.
'Well, at least Remus is here.' She resolved, cheering up a bit. 'Class with him will be fun.'
"Hey, it's wicked that your Godfather is teaching this year!" Elsie gushed, mirroring her thoughts. "Is he as good a teacher as he is good looking?"
Spitting out her pumpkin juice in shock, Estella squirmed uncomfortably in her chair at the association and looked pointedly at her Godfather, who must have guessed by her face what her friends were crooning about for he blushed shyly and looked away.
"Does he tutor after classes?" Allegra winked suggestively.
"Don't listen to 'em 'Stell." Reginald said grinning lopsidedly as he looked up from his treacle tart. "I'm sure your Godfather won't leave you for a student; isn't that right John?"
Estella growled and threw her dinner roll at the incorrigible boy across from her. "That is so disgusting." She admonished. "I don't think of him that way at all! He's practically family!"
"Oh come on!" Luna cut in. "Surely you must have noticed he's better looking than the run of the mill dunces everyone else gets stuck with for family! Don't tell me you never once compared his looks to your Uncle's! Why, that Godfather of yours could model for my father's magazine, he could make a lot of money on the runway."
Her mind instantly drawn to the fuzzy memory of her Godfather's scarred torso and particularly ugly looking feet, she opened her mouth without thinking. "Yeah, but you haven't seen him naked." She scoffed, wishing the world would open up and swallow her whole when she realised what she had just said.
The girl's jaws dropped. "Oh… oh my God!" They tittered excitedly. "When did you? No, don't answer that… yes do… no… is there a photo?"
Estella slumped in her chair, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. She'd never thought anything of her Godfather going about the house on hot days in nothing but a pair of shorts, but now she was blushing furiously.
Had she been checking him out?
As she shook the absurdity of that depravity from her head, her mind dimly aware of the giggling hysterics of her girl friends and teasing looks on the guys faces, Estella was relieved their antics were taking her mind off the wary glances the rest of the student body were giving her because of her father's escape. Still, it was going to be a very long year.
End Chapter: Finding Out
Next Chapter: Confiding in Buckbeak
Due: Tuesday