Disclaimer: Chapter one
Updated: Monday 11th April 2005
Chapter Sixty Two: Confiding in BuckbeakThe first few weeks of school flew with little to write home about. Then again, her entire family was at the School so she didn't even have to write to anyone. Weighed under by the constant stares and finger-pointing she had been subjected to, Estella had become withdrawn from her friends, spending a lot of time in her Uncle's quarters immersing herself in music, or conversely, having a spot of tea with her Godfather.
"Where are your friends these days, Estella?" Remus asked with concern one afternoon shortly after term had began.
"Oh they're around." Estella answered flippantly, concentrating on her tea cup. "I see them in the dorms and at mealtimes and in classes; and three times a week we have study group in the library…"
"Yes, but what about socially?" Remus needled, worried about his Goddaughter's increasingly reclusive state. "Why don't you see if you can invite them down to the dungeons with you to see you play, or bring them here for tea… they're quite welcome, you know."
"What, and have them swooning over you for the next week?" Estella snorted, her old familiar sense of humour returning, "I think not."
Remus' lips twitched. "I could give them private lessons…" He said playfully, trying to draw Estella out of her funk.
Estella choked and spat her tea everywhere whilst Remus chuckled warmly, savouring the rare glimpse he got of the carefree child he once knew. "Seriously though…" Remus' voice trailed off as he cringed with the inference. "You haven't been quite yourself since the Dementors… care to talk about it?"
Estella sighed, twirling her empty teacup around on its saucer nervously as she contemplated her response. "There's nothing to say." She said shortly. "You know better than anyone about things that happened in the past."
"I'm sorry." Remus said, lowering his head as his eyes shone with unshed tears. "I did that to you."
"No. You didn't do anything!" Estella said firmly. "OK so I won't deny certain elements of that night featured in the Dementor's attack; but it was hardly the thing that disturbed me the most."
"What do you mean by that?" Remus said, raising his head.
"I didn't fear the wolf, Remus, because I knew I had already overcome it." She said softly. "What terrified me more when the Dementors came was that if anything were to happen to you or to Uncle Sev I might have to go back… there."
"Back where?" Remus asked a little too quickly. "Oh."
"It was horrible, Remus." Estella whispered, her voice hoarse. "I didn't remember specifics, but it was so cold… I was so alone… and so defenceless! I couldn't move, or scream or call for help! I couldn't go back there, Uncle Remus. I just couldn't."
Remus pulled the trembling child into a hug. "I'm so sorry cub, that you had to go there at all. It's all my fault." He said brokenly. "If I wasn't cursed…"
Estella pulled away and gripped her Godfather's face fiercely in her hands. "Don't. Ever. Think. That!" She said angrily, her expressive eyes boring into his pleadingly. "No one ever blamed you. You mustn't blame yourself. Have you been carrying this with you all my life? Oh Uncle Remus you stupid, stupid Gryffindor!"
Laughing to spite himself, Remus was flooded with an inexplicable sense of relief. He had long since stopped obsessing about his inabilities to properly care for Estella when she'd needed him, but hearing the right words from the girl finally set him free to accept things and move on.
"Thank you, Cub." He whispered reverently into the child's hair. "Don't ever stop."
"Stop what?" Estella asked, peering up at her Godfather quizzically as she leant into the crook of his shoulder.
"Amazing me." He said seriously before grinning mischievously. "My, whatever would your friends think if they'd walk in and see us like this?"
"Argh that's so depraved, Uncle Remus!" Estella shrieked, pulling away from her teasing Godfather to grab a cushion from the lounge to hit him with. "And there I thought you didn't want to scar me for life!"
The talk with Remus had cleared Estella's mind immensely, but it hadn't fully absolved her of the fear and insecurities of her father's imminent appearance in her life. Even though her Uncle and Godfather – and just about every adult she had come across - had taken it upon themselves to reassure her incessantly that she was safe and that he couldn't get to her, somewhere, deep down, she just knew that there would be no keeping the man who was her sire away from her now he was free. Dementors may or may not be stationed at all the entry points to the school, but Merlin, if he had eluded them in getting out of a maximum security prison, that was on an island for pity's sake, then getting past them at some point along Hogwarts' extensive boundary lines would be child's play.
It was conversely ludicrous then, for Estella to frequently find herself wandering the extensive grounds of the school alone. Though she was sure if her Uncle had known about it he would have gone spare, the way she looked at it, she wasn't breaking any school rules. They may have implied that she be watchful and travel in groups, but no one specifically said she had to. As she sat under the shade of the great Oak tree, throwing stones in the lake, Estella supposed she had a self-destructive side. The thought of encountering her father both terrified and thrilled her. She was terrified because of what he had done, and because of the unknown fate she would face in his presence; and yet irrespective of her fear she found herself almost wishing it upon herself so that the curiosity that stemmed to question her very identity could finally be satisfied.
It wasn't as though she was actively seeking danger, that she was purposefully prowling the grounds alone in search of any sign of him; she just liked spending time alone. Despite the talk with Remus which had offloaded a lot of her peripheral thoughts, she still had a lot of stuff to work through. Since the talk she had been a bit more sociable with her friends, and they had just enjoyed a picnic lunch out by the lake together. With their tummies satisfied on the sumptuous feast, her friends had opted to head indoors for the purposes of playing chess and studying, but Estella had already completed her work and wanted to enjoy the last of the pleasant weather before it disappeared totally.
Feeling inspired, Estella subsequently decided to play the humble half giant a visit. She felt guilty because she hardly saw him anymore, and well into the school term she had yet to even congratulate him on his teaching position. Part of her missed how she used to see him every day after school as a child. Even though he had important errands to run and she was just a tag along, Hagrid had always been tolerant of her and considerate. As such, she made a concerted effort in the years since to maintain her civility and acknowledge him as much as possible.
"G'afternoon to yeh young lass!" Hagrid boomed at her as he tended to the Pumpkin patch in his garden. "Though yeh is hardly a wee one anymore now yeh a full Hogwarts student!"
"Hello, Hagrid." Estella said, smiling, instantly comfortable in the gentle man's presence. "I'm sorry to hear 'bout what Malfoy did to your Hippogriff. I hear you're a wicked teacher though."
Hagrid smiled appreciatively. "Cryin' shame what that that Mista Malfoy is accusin' 'im of. Beaky wouldn't hurt a fly. Would yeh Buckbeak?"
Estella was taken aback by the sudden presence of the giant Hippogriff as it appeared from behind Hagrid. "Is that him?" She asked, in awe.
"Oh, pardon me manners young 'stella" Hagrid said, wiping his big hands on his clothes. "Beaky, this is Estella Black. Estella, meet Buckbeak."
Bowing politely, just how Hermione and Harry had told her they had been taught when they had recounted the story of Draco's attack to her, Hagrid smiled. "That's it." He praised. "Now yeh'll see if Buckbeak bows back. Oh would yeh look at that, he did! You can come pet 'im now if yeh want, he won't mind yer."
Taking a firm step forward, Estella kept her movements diminutive, reaching out timidly to pat the magical beast, who, much to her delight, relished the contact approvingly.
"Right." Hagrid said, lifting her up without warning. "Now yeh'll be wantin' a ride."
"No!" Estella gasped, her body going rigid in terror. "I don't fly! I don't… Hagrid!"
Hagrid's hands paused as they deposited her on the hippogriff's back. "I'm sorry, Estella, I was forgettin' what yeh did to them brooms." He said, moving to lift her off again.
"No, wait." Estella said, wrapping her hands around Buckbeak's neck in a moment of lunacy. "Perhaps I could just sit on his back? D'you think he could just go for a run? Not fly I mean."
Hagrid considered this for a moment, his large strong hands on the beast's back keeping it still. "I don't know how Beaky'll take to orders." Hagrid said. "Hippogriffs do as they be wantin' to do. If yeh want to have a sit yeh must be ready to fly if he be wantin' to take yeh up."
Taking a deep breath, Estella summoned up all of her courage. She supposed that flying on the back of an animal that knew what it as doing in the middle of a pleasant day was a lot different to relying on a flimsy stick of wood and her own abilities to control it.
"OK." She said, exhaling slowly. "If Buckbeak flies then I will trust him to keep me in one piece."
"Yeh a brave girl, Estella Black!" Hagrid praised, happy that the child was willing to confront her fear. "Yeh Mum 'n' Dad woulda been proud of yeh." He added as he released Buckbeak from his grip and slapped his behind, sending the beast running down the hill. As Estella tightened her grip and prepared herself for what was going to happen next she could hear the bumbling caretaker mumble to himself in their wake. "I shouldn't 'ave said that."
Estella, however, didn't have a chance to evaluate the appropriateness of Hagrid's comment, because she was suddenly trying to get over the sensation of flying. Flying. Her heart racing and breath quickening as the wind swept past her, sending her hair into even more disarray, Estella finally felt free.
"Whoo hoo!" She cried out, experimentally detaching her arms from their death grip around the Hippogriff's neck and flapping them about as they soared over the Hogwarts grounds. While she couldn't see herself trust the integrity of the school brooms any time too soon, she couldn't deny that the sensation of flying was rather liberating. Passing over a rocky incline on the outskirts of neighbouring Hogsmeade, the exuberant child was too busy to notice the attentive grey eyes watching her from a cave below, taking in her happiness like it was his own. Little did the gaunt, shabbily clothed man below realise, but the child flying above was confiding in her gracious host's ear about her fear of him.
"…so you see, Buckbeak, I don't know what to do." Estella said softly as she nestled her head near the Hippogriff's ears. "I know what he did, but if I caught him… I don't know if I would want him to go back to that. Those Dementors… they… I don't know Buckbeak, maybe he deserves to suffer like that; but I don't think I could be the one to subject him to it. I mean, I don't feel right calling him my father, cause Remus and Uncle Sev's been and done all that in his place, but he is the reason I'm here. I – I – I feel like I kind of owe him for that."
She patted the Hippogriff's head absently as they soared over the North Tower of the school. "I don't even know why I am telling you all this. You're an animal… no offence." She mused. "I guess I just needed to say it aloud. Say it to something with a pulse, at least. Uncle Remus and Uncle Sev would probably tell me I'm being crazy to feel like I owe the man after everything he's gone and done, but I guess I feel like I would be as bad as him if I turned my back on the fact he gave me life and throw it in his face by being the one to condemn him. Don't ask me how, but I feel like I'm the only way they'll ever catch him."
Buckbeak crooned in what could almost be mistaken for understanding and circled the school a few more times… as though he wanted to make sure his precious cargo had gotten everything off their chests. After a companionable five minute silence, the hippogriff coming to a landing on the green hill upon which their journey had began. As she lazed on the Hippogriff's back, loving the feel of his powerful muscles rise and fall with each footfall and how she could hear the distant beat of his heartbeat pulse under his downy feathers, Estella was alarmed to see her Godfather rushing towards her.
"Estella!" Remus cried, almost tripping over his tattered brown robes in his haste. "Are you alright? What were you thinking?"
"Oh, I don't know, Moony," Estella said nonchalantly in a carefree tone that reminded Remus so much of Sirius it sent shivers down his spine. "Thought I might do my best to imitate a courageously rash and foolhardy Gryffindor. How'd I do?"
Remus halted in his tracks, his hard resolve crumbling at the sight of his Goddaughter's unadulterated smile. "You flew?"
"You saw?."
Remus smiled shakily, nodded, and took a step forward.
"Stop right there!" Estella warned, frowning as she held out her hand to stop her Godfather's approach. "You call yourself a Defence instructor, honestly! You're asking for trouble if you come any closer without bowing first!"
Slapping himself in the head, the image of a melodramatic Malfoy fresh in his mind, he bowed respectfully just how he had been taught in school himself, and only approached after Buckbeak had returned the gesture.
"I suppose you would like a hand getting down?" Remus asked, smiling proudly.
"Yes. Please." Estella said, holding her arms out to him. "I still suffer from vertigo you know."
Remus gave her a quizzical look. "But you just…"
"Flew?" Estella finished, seeing him nod in confirmation. "You of all people should know that Vertigo is a fear of falling rather than a fear of heights. I don't get on a broom because I am afraid to fall, just as I am not going to climb off this tall beast unaided because I might crash the five feet back down to earth." She paused as her Godfather helped her off the Hippogriff, setting her feet firmly on solid ground once more. "I only flew Buckbeak because I knew he knew what he was doing and he wouldn't let me fall. It's hard to explain… I just had to try."
Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close as they led Buckbeak back towards his stall by Hagrid's Hut, Remus leant down and brushed Estella's windswept brow with a kiss.
"I'm proud of you." He praised. "And since you're up for facing your fears on this glorious afternoon, how would you like to help me go Boggart hunting? I'm after another one to use on my fourth year class. The third years destroyed the other one I had the first day we were practicing with it."
Estella's eyes lit up. Some of the best adventures she and her Godfather had when she was growing up and he'd only used to take her around the castle when he visited was when they would go explore the unused classrooms and hidden passageways for 'hidden treasures'.
"Sure!" Estella agreed amicably. "Where do you suggest we look?"
"Well the last one was found in a staffroom wardrobe. None of the teachers had required emergency robes for a time…" Remus said. "So I suggest checking in the disused guest wings."
"The ones below the attic maybe?" Estella suggested. "They are hardly ever used since Peeves likes to hang out there."
"Excellent suggestion, Estella." Remus beamed. "Five points to Ravenclaw."
"What? Uncle Remus you don't have to give me points." Estella said, looking uncomfortable. "Uncle Sev doesn't."
"Why shouldn't I give points to a student who is assisting me greatly with my work?" Remus asked, curious. Then, narrowing his eyes he added. "And what do you mean your Uncle doesn't give you points…"
"He said it's because he's bias and it's an unfair advantage." Estella said. "Though he has given me points it's always directly before he's about to take the same number of points away from me."
"It truly is no wonder why the man is a Slytherin." Remus frowned, leading Estella up the stairs towards the abandoned guest wing.
"Indeed." Estella sighed, before joining her Godfather in hearty laughter at the unintended imitation.
Finding a Boggart in a dusty chest of drawers, Remus and Estella collapsed on a dusty chaise in the disused sitting room and rested. The castle was, after all, extremely high up, and they were in one of its tallest rooms.
"So, do you want to learn how to repel a Boggart?" Remus asked, in his best teaching voice. "Knowing the spell and actually doing it successfully are quite different, I assure you."
"Um," Estella hesitated, the memories from the Dementors still too fresh. "I don't know…"
"Well how about I demonstrate by unleashing it on myself and you can judge for yourself if you think you would be able to handle one." Remus suggested. "Mind you according to the school curriculum you won't be needing to learn this for another year."
A burning flint igniting in her wise grey eyes, Estella grinned. "Well why didn't you say so, Professor. You know I always enjoy a challenge." She said, pushing him out of his seat. "On with the demonstration."
After briefly having Estella practice the incantation and actions required to discourage a Boggart, Remus opened the drawer with a flick of his wand, setting the Boggart free. Having positioned himself between Estella and the Boggart, the Boggart noticed Remus first and transferred into his fear.
A full moon.
"Riddikulus!" Remus said clearly, waving his wand almost lazily at the Boggart, turning it into a giant egg that fell, splattering yolk all over the floor. "There. Care to give it a go?"
Estella nodded, bracing herself as Remus stepped aside, permitting the Boggart to fixate on her, seeking out what she feared the most.
'Oh, no!' Estella thought, her eyes widening as he Boggart took shape.
Seeing what form his Goddaughter's Boggart had taken, even Remus was taken aback.
Standing before them was Sirius Black.
"Rid… rid… rid…riddikulus!" Estella stammered, backing up against a wall, increasingly horrified when nothing happened. "Remus? What did I do wrong?"
"Think of something funny to turn him into." Remus said weakly, his mouth dry as he stood rooted to the spot. Twelve years it had been since he had seen the man. Twelve years. The man before him was but a figment of his Goddaughter's imagination, and yet it was startling how ill and haggard he looked in his shabby prison garb. Not to mention his eyes. His sad, lifeless grey eyes. Remus couldn't fathom how Estella could conjure such a powerful characterisation of a man she had but only seen old photographs of. Part of him wanted to step in and protectively deflect the Boggart from Estella, but the overriding sense in him acknowledged that this was something in particular that Estella had to face for herself.
"Riddikulus!" Estella said a little more confidently, a strange determined glint in her eye. With a pop, Sirius had disappeared. Much to Remus' profound surprise, Estella had turned him into a harmless stray dog. A harmless, black stray dog… a grim, to be precise.
'Padfoot' Remus gasped, struggling to find breath as his heart constricted in his chest, taking in the sight of the child now chasing the life-size replica of her father's animagus form around the room.
His eyes narrowed. Sure enough he could suppose that the child drew her inspiration from the soft toy she'd had her whole life – Sirius had modelled it on himself after all – but this was just a little too accurate. His mannerisms. His scent. Merlin even the scent, as Remus remembered it, was accurate.
"Estella." He said quietly, his voice hoarse. "Did… did you make this dog up all by yourself?"
"Oh no." Estella admitted happily as she scratched the dog behind the ears just where the dog liked it – just like Padfoot liked it. "I mean I made it up of course because it's not real, but it looks like a dog I saw in the park over Summer."
Remus gasped. "You. Saw. This. Dog?" He swallowed hard.
"Not this dog, Remus. This dog isn't real…" Estella joked.
"Estella." Remus said gravely, his tone deadly serious. "It was a dog just like this one?" Estella nodded. "Did… did you approach it? Did it approach you?"
Estella rolled her eyes. "How else would I have recreated him so well?" Estella stated the obvious as she ruffled the dog's hair. "He followed me to work. Probably would have followed me home too if you and Uncle Sev hadn't come and pulled me out of the ice cream parlour like it was going out of fashion."
"But a dog?" Remus said weakly, swallowing audibly at the implications of his goddaughter's revelation. "What possessed you to…"
"Well that image of my father looked pretty ill and flea-bitten, and I guess it reminded me of the dog."
Remus ran a hand over his sweaty brow. The child was going to be the death of him, he just knew it. Staring into nothingness, never before did he want to break the 'Marauder's Oath' than he did at that moment.
"Uncle Remus?" Estella frowned, seeing her Godfather's far away look. "Hello?"
Shaking his head, dismissing his thoughts, Remus tried to pay his attentions back on the yabbering child in front of him. He couldn't help but wonder, however, why Sirius didn't take Estella when he had the chance. Merlin, Estella knew better than to go anywhere without her wands; and to think he could have taken her unawares and gotten his wand back made his head spin.
But why, oh why, didn't Sirius take the opportunity? Surely Sirius would have felt drawn to his wand and known she had it on her person. There were so many things Remus didn't understand about Sirius' motives in the past, but he knew if he were a escaped prisoner his first priority was to get a wand and his family back.
"Did you have your wands with you that day?" Remus asked numbly.
"Uncle Remus, what's bringing this on?" Estella asked, suspicious of his strange behaviour. "You know I don't leave home without them. 'Constant vigilance' remember?"
"I'm sorry if I alarmed you, cub." Remus said, sending the Boggart flying back into its drawers before pulling Estella into a impromptu hug. "I passed the Dementors earlier today and it's been plaguing me all afternoon how often I've come close to losing you."
"Oh Uncle Remus, you big softie!" Estella sighed contentedly as she melted into the familiar folds of his robes. "You could never lose me! If anything ever happened to me, why I'd come haunt you forever and scare away all those hormone-driven teenage girls who draw love hearts around your name on their class schedules!"
"They do that?" Remus blurted, his lips twitching compulsively as he buried his face in Estella's hair.
"Why don't you ask Elsie next class to see her schedule and find out?" Estella asked suggestively, pulling back to grin at him malevolently, positively revelling in the imminent embarrassment of her heartsick friend.
"Sometimes…" Remus mused, ruffling Estella's hair as they walked side by side – the chest of drawers hovering behind them - as the left the dusty attic. "I swear the sorting hat ought to have put you in Gryffindor."
End Chapter: Confiding in Buckbeak