You Don't Have to Be Strong
I didn't have sex with Reed. It was hard to explain to Riley why that was without mentioning Nathan but I did so successfully, using the 'he didn't have any protection' excuse which was not even a lie really. I just didn't mention that I had gotten hold of some myself and then lied to Reed about doing so. She was disappointed and I figured it was simply because she had wanted to live vicariously through me but I don't know, there was something else too.
I just hadn't figured it out yet.
The next morning, Nathan and I exchanged a look in the kitchen while we ate breakfast but that was the extent of any acknowledgement towards the night before. I knew he was secretly wondering whether or not Reed and I had done the deed or not but I didn't give him any sign as to what he wanted to know.
I don't really know why.
Reed, of course, was very supportive of our decision. "It's not about sex with me," he had told me. And that had made it ten times harder to understand why it was Nathan I wanted and not Reed. It obviously was about sex with Nathan, and Reed was willing to wait forever for me. The decision between the two should have been obvious.
But it wasn't.
Since we had a four day weekend and it was only Friday, Reed and his family set off on a ski trip somewhere by plane. He had asked me to come with him but I had told him that it was too early in our growing relationship. This meant I had three days to try and lay low; forget about all of my boy troubles and focus on Riley and figuring out what the hell her deal was. It's hard to dig into your best friend's life when you are worrying about your own.
Selfish, but true.
I saw Reed and his family off at the airport around noon on Saturday and decided that tonight was perfect to catch up with Riley. Not only did I want to figure out what was going on with her but I just wanted to see my best friend again, without any boys in the way. I had told her Reed was leaving and that I was thinking of coming over but it must have gone in one ear and out the other because she wasn't there when I showed up at her house around four in the afternoon.
She had been very forgetful lately.
"Mrs. Scott," I greeted as she waved me into the house. "I thought you weren't coming back until Monday. How was your trip with the doctor?"
She laughed nervously as I followed her into the kitchen. "It went shorter than planned on account of I decided to be honest and tell him that I had kissed another guy." She sighed. "Needless to say, he wasn't too thrilled." When I gave her an apologetic smile she shrugged. "It's my own fault for getting into a relationship that didn't mean as much to me as it did to him. I just, oh God, I don't even know." She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. "If there is one thing I've learned from this it's that playing it safe can only take you so far. If it stops you from going for what you really want, think again."
I raised an eyebrow. "You would think it would be simple."
She raised her bottle up at me. "Oh but it's not."
I laughed. "So is Riley around?"
She shook her head. "I thought she was with you. I must have misunderstood her. She's been acting strange nowadays; want to give me a hint as to why?"
I don't even know.
"You know Riley…" I said with a nervous smile "…that girl is up and down. Who knows what's going on in that head of hers?" I stood silent for a minute before finishing with, "Well, if she's not home I'll just head out."
She took a sip of her water and then swallowed it before speaking. "Well, Nathan is upstairs. Maybe he knows where she is."
I forced a smile. "Thanks." I don't know why I did it but I went upstairs against my better judgment. My head was screaming for me not to go but I did anyway. When I reached his room the door was open so I let myself in and spotted him sitting on his bed. He was slipping on his shoes and looked like he was just about ready to go out.
He looked up and continued to stare for a second before looking back to his shoes and tying them. "Looking for Riley?"
I shrugged. "Sort of." I cocked my head towards his shoes. "Where are you going?"
It was a good few moments before he looked back up again but even then he didn't speak; he just studied me thoroughly and blinked. "Do you want to come?"
My eyes traveled around the room nervously and then landed back on him. He was still staring at me expectantly, waiting for an answer but I wasn't sure that my lips would allow me to say what it is I really wanted to say. "Where are you going?" I asked again but he still didn't answer me, he just watched me closely waiting for me to give him a yes or no answer. "Okay," I said finally and even I was surprised to hear the words leave my lips.
He didn't say anything, just left the room and left me to follow him, which of course I did. I was pretty sure that at this point I would have followed him off the ends of the earth. He just had that stupid affect on me, one that I'm sure Reed would never possess.
Obviously.
The car ride was longer than I had expected it to be, of course I had absolutely no idea where we were going so that made it all the much longer. He wasn't speaking either and he had turned the radio off seconds after we had pulled out of the driveway.
Silence was never something that I could handle.
"Why'd you get kicked out of school?" I blurted out and it seemed so absurd to hear my voice say but I stuck to it since I really wanted to know. He had sidestepped the question last time but I felt like I had gained some sort of trust with him lately and maybe this time, he would be willing to let me in on at least one of his many secrets.
He didn't look over. He didn't even throw back some witty comment with a smirk like I would have expected him to do. With Nathan though, I was learning, he never did what I expected him to.
That just wasn't his style.
"I got in a fight," he said finally when we stopped at a red light. He gripped the steering wheel tighter with the one hand that was guiding it and straightened up his shoulders.
I nodded and let it become silent for a moment once again before beginning to pry. "Over?"
He let out a tight smile that I'm sure wasn't really even a smile at all. He still wasn't looking at me. "A girl."
It was shocking to hear him say, so honestly but I tried my best to keep my cool. "I hope she was worth it," I joked.
He didn't smile. "I thought so at the time."
"And now?" I asked, my eyes not leaving the side of his face for a second.
"Well it doesn't really matter anymore," he said softly, "so why agonize over it?"
I nodded. "Who was she?"
He let out a sorrowful sigh and blinked a couple times before answering. "Alyssa Carter." At first, I thought that was all I was going to get out of him but it became clear that he was still thinking about it and when he finally spoke, it was almost as if it wasn't even to me. "We started dating the summer before junior year and things got serious pretty early on. For me, at least.
"We dated for seven months until I caught her with some guy on the football team, having sex in his car in the fucking parking lot." He laughed bitterly. "Needless to say it ended after that but…" he shook his head to himself "…I actually ended up begging for her to take me back. She didn't.
"Then a week before school ended, one of her friends blurted out something about her and my best friend, Matt. Turns out they had been hooking up since a month into my relationship with her." He scoffed. "At basketball practice that day, I knocked him out, right then and there. The principal said I could finish up the school year but that I wouldn't be coming back next year."
I just sat there, listening. I don't think I'd ever heard Nathan say that much in all the time that I had known him. Sure, his past was mysterious but I had never thought that he had gotten his heart broken. I mean, Nathan? I was sure he had been the way he was now his whole life…but apparently I had been wrong.
About a lot of things.
He finally looked over at me but it was only a matter of seconds before he turned back to the road. "Were you in love with her?" I asked, almost in a whisper.
He laughed. "No one loves anyone, Haley…not really, anyway."
I frowned. "You don't really believe that."
But he didn't answer. Instead, he just continued to drive and after a moment or two I gave up asking, turning to look out the window and noticing the record store that Lucas and I hung out in on my right. We were far from home, that's for sure…way across town. Lucas and I drove all the way out here because we didn't want to run into anyone we knew, I wondered why Nathan drove all the way out here.
But I was about to find out, I suppose.
It was dark when we reached his destination and I was half asleep in the passenger's seat of the car. It had been silent for some time now and there had been nothing for me to do but rest my eyes. He shook me lightly to wake me up and gave me a sort of half smile when I opened my eyes. I stepped out of the car and into the cold breeze, shivering involuntarily.
"Where are we?" I asked groggily, turning to watch as Nathan slowly approached me and we stood on the sidewalk. We were standing at the end of the path that lead to an old Victorian house with a beautiful garden. I looked over to him quizzically and for the first time since we had left, he really looked at me.
"My mom's house."
I furrowed my brow as I looked back to the house. Nathan had never mentioned his family at all and come to think of it, Riley had never mentioned his family either. From what I knew he had lived in Charleston and we certainly weren't in Charleston.
So then, he hadn't been living with his mom?
We walked up the path and Nathan sighed but I could tell he was trying to do so secretly. He rung the doorbell and seconds later, I heard footsteps approaching the door at an alarming speed. The door swung open and a little girl who couldn't have been any older than six greeted us with the most energy I had ever witnessed in my life. "Nathan!" The girl cried out and launched herself onto him, reaching a little bit higher than his waist. He wrapped his arms around her and smiled.
She was followed by an older blonde woman, "Molly! What are you doing? How many times have I told you not to answer the door without checking to see who it…" she trailed off as she noticed us "…Nathan?"
He smiled weakly and moved his hand to the top of Molly's hair, stroking it gently. "Hi, mom," he said kind of nervously and I realized that I had never witnessed a more vulnerable Nathan "…does that offer for dinner still stand?"
She broke out into the happiest smile I had ever seen and enveloped him in a hug, Molly still in between them. "Of course it does, Nathan. You know that you are welcome in this house whenever you like." It took her a couple of seconds to notice me, but when she did she smiled warmly. "Oh how rude of me, I'm Deb. Are you Nathan's girlfriend?"
I took her hand graciously but it was Nathan who introduced me. And I was quite curious how he was going to do so. "This is Haley," he said, stepping closer to me and forcing Molly to half let go of him. "Haley, this is my mom and my sister, Molly."
I smiled down at the little girl and she smiled back. "You're very pretty," she told me and I laughed out loud, blushing nervously. Nathan looked down at me, amused as always.
He loved to see me blush, even if it wasn't at something he had said.
We walked inside the house and Molly immediately pulled Nathan up the stairs; he just shrugged and followed her. Mrs. Scott told me that she was going to prepare dinner and that I could look around the house if I wanted. My feet lead me to the room where Molly had dragged Nathan, curious as to how he handled her.
I stood at the edge of the doorway, careful not to be seen. Molly had a puppet theater set up on the opposite corner of her room and she was currently preparing her show as Nathan waited on a seat across from it. I smiled to myself, treasuring the way he seemed so interested in her. She opened up the curtains to her theater and announced that the show was about to begin.
Nathan clapped.
When the adorable show was over, she moved over towards Nathan and sat in front of him, her hands on his knees. "Did you like it?" She asked eagerly and it was obvious to me that his opinion definitely mattered to her.
He smiled. "You have a future in show business," he told her and I rolled my eyes with a smile on my face.
She seemed to be pleased with this answer because she giggled in delight. "Just like Daddy."
His eyes glazed over and the smile almost disappeared but as quickly as it left it came back and Molly didn't seem to know the difference. "What does your daddy do?" He asked her and she looked up at him with confusion in her eyes.
"We don't have the same daddy?" She asked. "Mommy said you are my brother."
He smiled. "I am, we just have two different daddies. You'll understand when you get older," he assured her, ruffling her hair a bit.
"Okay," she shrugged.
I watched him play with her for a bit longer before walking back down the stairs and down into the kitchen where I found Mrs. Scott. I asked her politely if she needed help and she smiled graciously. "That would be wonderful, Haley." She told me. "And you can tell me all about Nathan."
I frowned. "I don't know if I'd be much help. He's a closed book, Mrs. Scott."
"Ms.," she corrected. She nodded, passing me some lettuce to put into the salad. "Just like his father." She stared longingly out the window. "I should've known he'd grow up like that living with that man." I made the salad in silence until she finally looked up and asked me, "But he's okay, right?"
I blinked, smiling to myself. "He's a good guy."
She scoffed sadly to herself and stirred whatever it was she was making, her eyes beginning to fill with unshed tears. "No thanks to me. God," she said regretfully, "I've made so many mistakes. I love Molly to death, but sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by leaving Nathan with his father."
"We all make mistakes," I assured her. "It appears to me that Nathan has forgiven you."
What it is she did, I had no idea but the vibe I was catching at the moment was something having to do with infidelities and abandonment.
She smiled to herself and I got the same feeling I had gotten in the car with Nathan, the feeling that she wasn't even talking to me. "When he showed up here a week and a half ago, I thought I had gone absolutely crazy. I hadn't seen him in five years and he refused to return my phone calls. It was like I was dreaming or something; I thought it was too good to be true. I don't even deserve his forgiveness. Not after I abandoned him."
We heard a loud bang come from the room above us that was followed with a little girl's voice screaming, "WE'RE OKAY!" at the top of her lungs.
Mrs. Scott laughed softly to herself and looked over to me finally. "She loves him, Molly does. She's only met him one other time before, a week or so ago, but it was like they had this instantaneous connection. She hasn't stopped talking about him since he came by."
And so that's when one of the Nathan mysteries was unraveled. The night when I had run into him at the record store had been the night that he had come to see his mother. The fact that Nathan seemed to be letting me in on this supposed secret of his obviously meant that he was making some sort of gesture.
What that gesture was, I had no idea.
"Where is Molly's dad?" I asked.
"Your guess is as good as mine," she answered with a sigh.
It was obvious to me, at dinner, that Nathan and his mom had a lot of unresolved issues and coming here was not only taking a step forward with me but with his mom as well. She had abandoned him when Molly was born and I don't think Nathan had appreciated it much, as would any one else in that situation, but he was starting to see that seconds chances weren't a lie after all.
And I was too.
It was weird to see Nathan in a different light, but that is exactly what I had when the door to his mom's house opened. There was so much more to Nathan that I had previously thought and maybe I had given up on him too quickly in the beginning. But just because Nathan wasn't such a bad guy after all, didn't give me the happy ending I wanted.
And it didn't mean that I was going to dump Reed.
Things are much more complicated than that. Like, I didn't want to be alone and who is to say that when I dumped Reed, I could move on with Nathan. Nathan hadn't made any sort of indication that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I was sure that I couldn't just be his f uck buddy anymore.
"We have an empty guestroom," Mrs. Scott said as she got up and began to clear the dishes, when I offered to help she waved me off. "It's so late…maybe you two should just crash there and leave in the morning."
Molly smiled up at Nathan and me from her seat. "You can read me a story!" She announced and then ran up the stairs before either of us could protest.
Ms. Scott laughed and I could tell that she was happy that Molly didn't seem to want to take no for an answer because Nathan had seemed hesitant at first. "I'll call your aunt, Nathan and Haley; do you want me to call your parents?"
I laughed softly to myself. "Don't worry about it, believe me, they won't even know I'm gone."
Mainly because they are never there.
Ms. Scott smiled sadly and then got up to go into the kitchen, balancing the plates in one hand and the glasses in the other. Nathan and I had our first moment alone since we had gotten there as the door slammed behind her.
"Your mom is nice," I told him and he shrugged in response. "It must be hard, though."
He looked up to meet my eyes and knew immediately that I had been informed. "It was," he said, "it is. I vowed to never speak to her again when she left and when they were trying to send me here after I got kicked out of school, I refused."
I smiled sadly, and continued to watch him as he spoke.
"When I drove down here a week and a half ago, it was to yell at her.; to tell her how horrible she was for just picking up and leaving me with my father. But then I saw Molly, and I couldn't do it."
I nodded. "She seems to like you."
He smiled to himself but didn't respond.
I let Nathan read Molly the story simply because I knew she wanted him to do it. When he was finished, he turned off the light, kissed her on the forehead and led me out of her room, into the guestroom where of course, there was only a queen sized bed, much like I had expected.
I watched him grab a couple of blankets out of the closet and I made my way into the connecting bathroom, finding two clean toothbrushes and some toothpaste to which I used. I looked up to my reflection in the mirror and pulled a couple strands of hair out of my eyes, frowning. When I came back out into the room, Nathan was already under the covers.
Eyes closed.
"Hi," I said into the dark and he opened his eyes to look directly at me. "I'm just going to sleep on the floor," I said awkwardly and reached over him to grab a free pillow. He grabbed my arm gently and I looked back over to him.
"Its okay, you can sleep here, Haley. I won't make any moves on you, I promise." There was sincerity in his voice so I smiled weakly and walked around to the other side of the bed where I flopped down gently, not pulling the sheets over me. "Did you have sex with him?" He asked suddenly and I blinked twice before answering.
"No," I said.
His breathing was steady. "Because of me?"
"Because of a lot of things," I said and then let silence overtake us. A minute passed and I didn't know if he had fallen asleep or not but I tried anyway. "Why'd you leave that night?" I asked. "I mean, I thought we were having a good time and then you just…up and left." When he didn't answer, I tried again. "Nathan?"
He shuffled around in his bed. "Because you deserve better."
I looked over at him, surprised by his answer. It was most definitely the last thing I had expected him to say. "Then why'd you kiss me last night?"
He exhaled deeply and turned his head to face me so that our eyes could meet. "Because I couldn't help myself." His stare was intense and I could feel myself pulling closer as I watched him do the same. He was going to kiss me and I was going to let him until a sudden thought triggered me to stand up abruptly and move towards the bathroom door, away from him.
"Don't," I said.
But he was too quick for me and he managed to get up and grab my arm to pull me as I reached the knob. "Don't what, Haley?"
My hands flew up in frustration and put pressure on my temples. "Don't confuse me. I was perfectly fine with thinking that you were some heartless man whore who could care less about me. It made things so much easier," I cried.
He laid his hands gently on my waist and I tried to avert my eyes. "Why did that make things easier?"
I looked up and then looked back down, focusing on the logo of his jacket. "Because I can't care about you."
"Why not?" He asked, placing his hands gently on my hips.
I looked up to meet his gaze and there was a long pause before I said in a barely audible whisper, "Because you'll hurt me."
He nodded.