Chapter Eleven

Behind These Hazel Eyes

We didn't speak at all the rest of the night. He was the first to get back into bed but I soon followed him. It took me hours to actually fall asleep and not to sound like a complete baby but I'm pretty sure I shed a few tears. How hard is it to so badly want something that is so close you can practically taste it, but at the same time know that you probably won't ever be able to have it?

Very hard; not to mention frustrating.

We woke up early the next morning and after a heartbreaking goodbye to Molly, Nathan set off down to the car leaving me behind to say goodbye to his mother. Molly screamed all the way up the stairs, not wanting Nathan to go and Ms. Scott, who insisted I called her Deb, stayed behind, watching her son's retreating figure. "I hope you got a good night sleep, dear." She told me and I nodded appreciatively, thanking her before beginning to follow after Nathan myself. "Haley," her voice stopped me and I turned around, waiting for her to speak. "If it's not too much trouble, do you think you could convince Nathan to come back?"

I smiled. "I don't think I'll need to," I reassured her and she returned the smile before closing the door and leaving me to get into the car with Nathan.

He didn't talk most of the way; we couldn't have been less than a half hour away when he finally said something. "I'm sorry," he said and it was so out of character that it made my heart skip a beat.

"For what?" I asked, trying my best to sound uninterested as I continued to stare out the window.

"Confusing you," he almost whispered but I could hear him. His voice was gentle and it caused me to turn around to face him. "I thought that maybe bringing you up here would show you that I'm actually not that bad of a guy, but, I guess that I should've just left you thinking I was. It was easier that way, right?"

I thought back to the day that I had met him, the day that he had so comfortably taken off his clothes in front of me and compared it to him now; so vulnerable, so apologetic. It was weird to think that someone could change so drastically but I realized that he had pretty much been this person all along.

He was simply hiding it.

"I always knew you were a good guy, Nathan." I admitted out loud, which surprised even me. "That was never the issue. The issue is whether or not you are a good guy for me."

He paused. "I'm not."

I shrugged. "To be honest, I don't know. But what I do know now, is that Reed isn't either. I can't be with someone just because they're…" I sighed "…safe. You know? I need someone who's not safe but safe at the same time." I laughed to myself. "I'm pretty sure that doesn't even make sense."

"It does," he told me and laughed lightly. "It really does."

I smiled at him for a moment until he looked over to me with an eyebrow raised. "You know, you sure were a surprise." I said finally, feeling as if I was joking but I knew I really wasn't.

"In what sense?" He asked.

"In the sense that you really aren't as tough as you make yourself out to be."

He laughed. "Don't tell anyone."

And that's how it happened. That's how Nathan and I got to be friends. Friends. How weird is that? I mean, out of all the things I expected Nathan to be, a friend was not one of them. With all the sexual tension between us and the vulnerability he always left me with after I ran into him, I thought it was nearly impossible.

But it wasn't.

Sure, Nathan is not the kind of friend Lucas is. But I haven't ever slept with Lucas, and I certainly don't have any feelings for Lucas. Part of me knew that I would always have feelings for Nathan, and that's why being friends wasn't as easy as you would think.

History can complicate the future.

School on Wednesday was a drag. The day back to school after a four day weekend usually is a drag anyway, but I knew that things were about to get messy and I wasn't exactly ready to face it. Reed had called me a million times over the weekend, and I hadn't returned his calls. I didn't want to break up with him over the phone but I didn't want to have to act all in love with him and be lying straight to his face.

Not that I hadn't been doing that already.

But it seemed harder to talk to him when I knew I was going to break up with him anyway. So I didn't return the poor guy's phone calls and had Riley and Nathan take me to school so that I didn't have to catch a ride with him. I know it was a bitch thing to do, and in some ways I felt bad but I also knew that this was what I had to do.

"So you're breaking up with him?" Riley asked from the passenger's seat and I sighed behind her.

"It's complicated, Riley. Just drop it for now, okay?" I pleaded and I saw her shrug in the mirror, obviously not wanting to drop it but realizing that prying wasn't going to get her anywhere. "Anyway, you should be happy; this way I have more time for my best friend."

"Just when I thought I had gotten rid of you," she said with a dramatic sigh and I kicked her seat to which received a scowl from Nathan. Of course, I did it again just to get a rise out of him and he glared at me playfully. It felt nice not to have any kind of tension between us and it also made me realize that I could get along better with Riley now.

Reed was leaning against my locker, waiting for me. I saw him from afar and stopped walking to watch him for a second. I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew that I couldn't be with him anymore, even if I couldn't be with Nathan either. I let out a sigh before continuing to walk towards him and when he noticed me, he suddenly stood up, coming towards me.

I bit my lip.

"You didn't return my phone calls," he said and I smiled awkwardly before averting my eyes. He took his front finger and used it to pull my chin up to meet his eyes. "Why didn't you return my phone calls?"

I closed my eyes as he entwined his hand in mine. "We need to talk."

I heard him scoff. "You're breaking up with me," he stated and I opened my eyes to see him looking slightly annoyed. "Of course you're breaking up with me."

"Reed…" I protested but he dropped my hand and shook his head "…can we please just talk, I want to explain…"

"No need," he nodded. "It's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about it, see you around."

My heart broke. "Please…" I pleaded but he continued to walk away and I watched him walk all the way down the hallway before he disappeared completely. I wanted to cry, I'd never felt like this bad of a person in my life and it scared the hell out of me. My entire existence, all I wanted to do was please people and now, I had hurt someone who had really cared about me.

I knew how it felt to be in Reed's position.

And I had always promised myself that I would never hurt anyone like that, not in a million years. But then reality struck, and I knew that I was going to have to break a few hearts to be able to be happy myself. It seemed selfish, it was selfish but it was something I needed to do.

And deep down, I always knew that.

"He'll be okay," I heard from behind me and I turned to find Nathan who had obviously witnessed the whole thing. "There are worse things that could have happened."

I smiled weakly. "He must hate me."

He shook his head and looked me directly in the eye. "He doesn't."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, moving closer.

"Because I've been that guy, and no matter how much you want to hate them, it's impossible considering how much you love them." He said and it wasn't until I felt the tear drop onto my chest that I realized I was crying.

I looked at him, he looked at me and before I knew it I was in his arms, holding on for dear life. He was hesitant at first, it took him a while to place his arms around me as well, but when he did, I felt them tighten and I sobbed openly onto his shirt.

It felt kind of off to be the one crying when I was the one who had broken up with him.

I wasn't crying for Reed though, I wasn't crying because I missed him or because I thought I had made a mistake, I want to make that clear. I was crying because I was overwhelmed; crying because I knew how it felt and I hated that I had made someone feel that way.

"I have to get to class," I said when the bell rang and we were left standing in the middle of the hallway. I looked up at him with my tear stained eyes and smiled weakly.

He looked down at me and nodded. "Me too."

The week went by and Reed of course, avoided me. When avoiding me wasn't possible, he ignored me and I pretty much understood why. I tried to apologize a couple of times but it was no use; he didn't want to hear it.

I wouldn't have wanted to either.

Nathan and I were trying to be friends but it was proving to be difficult given our history. I wanted to kiss him every time I came within a mile radius but I knew that I couldn't if I didn't want to get hurt.

And I didn't want to get hurt.

Riley wouldn't open her mouth to tell me what was going on and the poor I pried, the more she got defensive. "Trust me," she would say and as her best friend, I felt it was my duty to do just that. She was disappearing a lot, acting strange sometimes and spacing out on me but I let it roll for the time being, knowing she would tell me when she was ready.

I just hoped that time would come soon.

It was Friday night and Riley had invited me over. Lucas picked me up around eight or so and we headed over there. Lucas and I hadn't been talking much lately and when we pulled up in front of her house, he finally opened his mouth. "I don't think this whole friends thing with Nathan is going to work out with you, Haley."

I stopped and looked at him quizzically. "Why not?"

"Because you don't want to be friends with him," he said simply.

"I can handle a friendship…" I assured him "…it's okay."

He sighed and put his arm around me as we walked up the path. "I just don't want you to get hurt, Hales. I'm trying to look out for you."

"I know," I smiled at him diagonally. "And I love you for it. But either way, I'm going to get hurt."

He shrugged. "That's life, right?"

"You're so useless," I teased him as we let ourselves in.

We found Riley in the kitchen, licking her fingers. "I made whipped cream," she announced and my eyes widened in excitement as I dipped my fingers in the bowl myself. "I thought you might have that reaction," she said proudly. "I felt like having hot chocolate."

I smiled as I saw a cup full of steaming hot chocolate in front of me and looked up at Riley thankfully. I took a sip and swallowed. "You are a God. I knew you were my best friend for some reason." I took another sip. "So what is this, like a bribe? Uh oh. What do you want me to do?" She smiled sadly and Lucas fidgeted beside me. I looked back and forth between the two and gave them a funny look. "Did I miss something?"

Riley opened her mouth to speak but the voice that I heard next wasn't hers. "I didn't know we were having company…" Nathan spoke and Riley look relieved beyond belief that he had showed up when he did.

I turned around to meet Nathan's gaze, trying to ignore the flutter in my stomach that I was used to feeling when around him. "I figured I'd ease the pain of being with Lucas by mixing with company," I teased and Lucas glared at me playfully.

The door bell rang.

"I'll get it," Nathan announced and immediately left the room to go get the door.

"I wonder who that is," Riley said, dumping more whipped cream into her hot chocolate.

When Nathan came back, he wasn't alone. With him was a beautiful blonde who I recognized as a girl from my homeroom. I sucked up the jealousy after reminding myself that I wasn't supposed to care and smiled at her. "I'm Haley," I introduced myself.

"You're in my homeroom," she smiled sweetly and I nodded. "I'm Terra."

Riley and Lucas introduced themselves and I excused myself to the bathroom. I wasn't supposed to still like him. Sure, it was normal to still have some sort of jealousy but I had always pegged myself as someone who wasn't like that.

An independent someone, if you will.

And it's not like he wasn't supposed to have fun. I didn't have any kind of hold on him. I didn't break up with Reed to be with Nathan, I broke up with Reed because I didn't like Reed the way he liked me, not because of Nathan.

At least, that's what I kept repeating over in my head.

When I returned, Nathan's arms were draped all over her and it took every strength inside me not to roll my eyes. I liked Terra, she wasn't a bad girl but it was really hard to continue to like her when I saw Nathan's hand drop from her lower back to her ass.

She didn't seem to mind.

Lucas placed his hand on the small of my back and leaned into whisper questioningly. "You alright?" He raised his eyebrow when I gave him a shrug and though I knew he didn't believe me, since Lucas never does, I just ignored it. "I didn't know Nathan had a date. Riley didn't mention it. I'm sorry."

I pulled his arm around me. "Well, I brought a date too."

"Who, me? How much are you paying?"

I laughed sarcastically and it soon turned into a glare. "Play along, lover."

"I'm not playing the jealousy game with you, Haley." He said, removing his arm from my shoulder and smiling apologetically. "I love you to death but I just won't."

I nodded. "Worth a try, right?" I asked before glancing over to Nathan and Terra, gagging inwardly.

The night was long; slow and long. After I sat down on the couch, Nathan and Terra sat down to the right of me, Nathan's leg barely grazing mine. He was back to his old ways it seems with his seductive tongue and suggestive glances only now, it wasn't with me.

It was with Terra.

She didn't seem to notice the tension. She even pulled me into the conversation a couple of times but Nathan looked bored and he kept on touching her secretly. I could only tell because she kept letting out squeals and giving him warning glances. He would simply look my way and shrug.

It was enough to make me sick.

And to make matters worse, at around eleven, Lucas and Riley disappeared to leave me alone with them. There was only so much I could take and without the support of my best friends, I thought I was going to burst into tears. When it became too much to handle, I started fake coughing uncontrollably and excused myself.

Neither seemed to mind.

"Riley, you have to tell her. You'll feel better once you do…" It was Lucas and his voice was in a hushed whisper in the hallway. I could tell that the 'her' he was referring to was me and obviously he was talking to Riley.

It took her a second or so to respond. "I know I have to tell her, Lucas but I don't want to. You know what happened the last time…"

"And you made up!" He exclaimed, though his voice was still hushed a bit. "Look, you guys are best friends…this isn't that big of a deal. The longer you drag it out…the more you'll be lying to her…and the more reason she'll have to be mad at you."

"I guess you're right," Riley sighed. "I'll tell her…"

"Tell me what?" I emerged from behind the wall, a challenging look on my face. I looked from Lucas to Riley, both eyebrows raised. "Tell me what, Riley?" I asked again when she didn't say anything.

"I was going to tell you…" she said helplessly, stepping towards me.

I stepped back. "Well now's your chance."

"I know that we talked about Jesse and I told you that I was going to give him up but…" I knew what was coming "…it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, Hay. I really like him, I mean…really like him. And I know that you think he's not good enough but…"

"How long?" I choked out.

"Well, a couple days after you and I made up he came over and…"

"You've been lying to me for that long?" I asked in disbelief, my voice barely functioning. "Riley. If you really liked Jesse, you should have told me and I would have put aside my feelings so that you could be happy but you kept it from me. You're my best friend! You're not supposed to lie to me." I cried.

"I did tell you how much I liked him!" She threw back. "And you didn't put your past feelings aside! What was I supposed to think, huh, Haley?"

"You didn't give me the chance to do anything. You started calling me a bitch, remember?" I spit out. "Or did you so conveniently forget that part? This is unbelievable. You are unbelievable. There's like some goddamn rule, Riley. You don't date your best friend's ex boyfriend! Remember when I liked Timmy Cohen but you had already dated him so I backed off?" I closed my eyes, tears threatening to spill. Maybe it was stupid, but this was bugging me. All the lying, deceiving it had been because of some boy! She had picked some boy over me. "That's what best friend's do, Riley."

"I think I should head out…" Lucas whispered awkwardly and I turned to him, still raging.

"And you!" I scoffed. "You! You knew all along and didn't tell me? How could you lie to me?"

His eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you kidding, Haley? You are such a hypocrite."

I gulped. Sh!t. He was right.

"Why is she a hypocrite?" Riley asked him but she was looking directly at me.

Lucas looked around the room nervously as Nathan and Terra, who had heard all the yelling, came to join the party.

"Why is she a hypocrite?" Riley repeated.

"You know what; I think you two should talk about this alone…" Lucas started to say but Riley cut him off.

"Tell me what he's talking about, Haley."

I averted my eyes from hers and then closed them before speaking. "I slept with Nathan."

When I opened them up again, her mouth was hanging open and it looked like she was trying to form words but it just wasn't working. Her eyes never left my face for a second.

She looked like she had just been slapped.

"You slept with Nathan." She repeated. I nodded, stealing a quick glance at Nathan but I couldn't stare long enough to see his reaction. "When?"

I gulped. "Which time?"

She laughed but it was hollow. "More than once?" She asked in disbelief, finally prying her eyes away from mine to look at Nathan. "I can't believe I didn't see it."

"You were too preoccupied with Jesse," I muttered but instantly regretted it when she looked over to glare at me. "It's true!" I exclaimed.

"Get out of my house." She said finally before turning around to walk out of the room. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't screaming; she didn't even have any emotion.

I felt like I had just taken a blow to the stomach.

My hand rose to my forehead and I felt tears beginning to pour out of my eyes. I smiled apologetically at the rest of the three in the room and then fled myself, walking out of her house and onto her front porch where I collapsed on the step, bawling my eyes out.

I guess I had brought this upon myself.

I hated crying almost as much as I hated being confused. I hated the feeling of the stiffness around my eyes when the tears had dried and I hated the feeling of being out of control; knowing I didn't have the power to stop. I hated that my tears were my own fault; that I wouldn't be in this position if I hadn't gone and done the things that before, had been so out of character.

I hated blaming myself.

"Hey," said a very feminine voice and I turned around to find Terra approaching me slowly; hesitantly. I hadn't expected her to be the one to come after me considering I didn't know her well at all but I was almost relieved that it wasn't Nathan or Lucas.

I was afraid I would lash out.

"Hi," I whispered, wiping away the wetness underneath my eyes with the palms of my hands.

She took a seat beside me on the step and handed me some tissues. "Don't stop on my account," she said sweetly. "I just thought you might need a shoulder to cry on."

I swallowed a sob and averted my eyes. "I'm such a mess."

She laughed lightly. "No, you're not. We all have our moments." When I didn't respond, she didn't push me. She paused for a moment before continuing to speak and I found myself listening, even though this was the girl who in my eyes had taken Nathan away. "I know what it's like to fight with your best friend," she told me. "Believe me. Remember, Michelle Carrie? She's in our homeroom. Anyway, we were best friends last year until she started dating the guy I was like, madly in love with. She lied to me about it for three months. I was right where you are…hurt, confused…"

"But at least you didn't have to feel guilty at the same time…" I reminded her.

She shrugged. "Not that time. But it's not like I've never felt guilty, Haley."

I laughed. "Yeah, but have you ever felt like a horrible best friend?"

She nodded. "Just give it time…Riley will forgive you, you'll forgive her and you'll go back to the way things were before. You are too good of friends for something like this to come between you."

"I don't believe that time erases anything," I told her, for the first time looking over at her. "We pretend it does…but it doesn't really."

I could tell she didn't know what to say because she looked away.

"I didn't know you slept with Nathan," she said softly. "But I guess it kind of explains why he was all over me when you were around. He wouldn't even touch me unless you were in the room."

I didn't believe her so I laughed. "Right."

"No, I'm serious…" she said "…if I had known you guys had a history I wouldn't have sat there and made out with him in front of you. I'm sorry."

I smiled weakly and took in a deep breath. "Thanks."

She nodded. "I should probably report back to Lucas and Nathan. They were both pretty worried about you but Lucas wouldn't let Nathan go check on you and Nathan wouldn't let Lucas so I just told them to shut up and followed you out myself. Do you want me to tell them you're okay?"

"Tell them I'm fine," I sighed. "Or that I will be anyway."

Again, she nodded. "Do you need me to take you home?"

I shook my head. "I want to walk."

"You live close by?"

I laughed. "Not really."

"But it's late…just let me take you home."

I smiled reassuringly. "I just need to clear my head, I'll be fine."

"Okay," she said and began to turn away but I stopped her.

"Hey, Terra?"

She turned.

"What happened with you and Michelle?"

She averted her eyes and sort of laughed nervously. "I decided she wasn't worth it." When she saw my face fall she spoke up again. "But Michelle isn't Riley. Every relationship is different."

I nodded and walked down the steps, continuing down the sidewalk.

I never realized how long the walk to my house from Riley's is and five minutes into it I wished I had taken Terra up on her offer. It was dark and every little noise was beginning to freak me out. When I heard a car honk from behind me, I jumped, my eyes widening in fear.

But I recognized the car.