Chapter Twelve

Another Lonely Day

It could have been anyone in that car. Riley, Nathan, Lucas…even Terra. I never would have expected Reed to come after me. Sure, he didn't really come after me. But he was there and I was there and I guess he sort of felt obligated to give me a ride. Of course, if I was in his position I would've hit the gas pedal and zoomed right by but Reed is too nice for that.

Remember?

When he pulled up next to me, he rolled down the window and sort of stared at me for a second, not saying a word. It was hard for me to stare straight back at him, into his eyes like I could with Nathan. I didn't feel like Reed was really looking at me like Nathan did, I just felt like he was staring at me blankly. I knew that he would never understand me the way I wanted him to. "Hey," he said finally, his lips barely moving. "You're out late."

I continued to walk but nodded, watching my breath against the cold air. "Just…clearing my head."

He looked over at the steering wheel briefly and then back at me, like he was debating with himself. "Do you need me to take you home?" It was hesitant and I figured he was probably trying to figure out if he could handle being in a moving vehicle with me.

I decided to save him the trouble. Hell, I knew that in his position I would want to be as far away from me as possible. "I'm okay, don't worry about it," I assured him. "I walked all this way, might as well finish what I started."

He sighed, looking completely away and staring directly at the steering wheel below him. His voice wasn't cold, it was just tired. "It's late, Haley. If you're trying to spare me, don't bother. I'm fine. Now, just get in the car...and I'll take you home."

I smiled weakly, not wanting to give in but realizing that putting up a fight was just going to make things worse than they already were. "Okay," I whispered.

I didn't want to get in the car because he wasn't the only one who feared the conversation we were about to have. I was deathly terrified of what nice Reed had to say because I had a feeling it wouldn't be so nice. Even the best fall down sometimes, right? And it hurt me to know that I had made him fall, that I had led him on.

I pulled the handle and slipped in, closing the door behind me. I could feel the tension, feel the anger he probably had built up inside of him and I could feel the tears still begging to pour. I was nowhere near done crying. In my eyes, I had simply lost my best friend over something so stupid and something that I was sure wasn't even worth it.

"You're crying," he said and I bit the inside of my lip. "Did Nathan break up with you or something?" I gasped inwardly and turned abruptly to face him. He however, was still looking anywhere but at me. "Come on, Haley," he sighed. "I'm not that stupid. I saw the way you looked at him, the way he looked at you. If you're going to do this to me at least be honest about it."

I closed my eyes and felt a few more tear drops fall. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Reed. That was never my intention."

"Maybe not, but you were never really there." He said, his voice trying to remain calm. I knew him well enough to know that he was trying to hold back from saying the wrong thing. He always wanted to say the right thing and he always did.

I think that's what bugged me about him.

Nathan never tried to say the right thing all the time. He was who he was, no excuses and it was refreshing to have someone say what they feel; something that I myself had never really been able to do.

"I'm sorry," I said, barely audible. "I tried, Reed. I really really tried. But I was running from something and I realized that my heart wasn't really in it like it was before."

"I was too late." He said, nodding. "I get it, but I wish you wouldn't have led me on like you did. It wasn't fair, Haley."

"I know that," I said, turning to face him and placing my hand on his knee. "And you'll never know how sorry I am." He jerked his knee away and it took me a second to collect myself before continuing. "I made a mistake. But you have to know, this isn't about Nathan."

"You're lying," he said and his voice was so sure that for a second, I believed him. "It is about Nathan. It was always about Nathan. But now that you can't have him, you're trying to convince yourself that you did it for you."

"You're wrong," I told him.

"So then tell me why you're crying," he demanded. "Tell me that it has nothing to do with him." I could tell that he expected it to be. He thought that Nathan had just broken my heart and though he had already, I could honestly say that I wasn't crying for him this time.

"It has nothing to do with him!" I said, raising my voice. When I felt my tears starting to fall again I swallowed a sob and looked away. "Indirectly, maybe but…" I paused, not ready to really admit it out loud "…I got in a fight with Riley."

He laughed, that hollow laugh that I thought I would never hear escape his lips. "About Nathan?"

"Sort of," I gulped. "But it was more about us; Riley and I. We were overdue for a good fight anyway." I laughed to myself. "We were lying to each other…and it scares me because, we shouldn't have had to. Maybe we're just…growing apart." I bit my lip again and sighed to myself, sort of forgetting that Reed was still there. "That's life though, right? I just never figured it for something that would happen to us." He didn't speak for a minute, just drove. "I know you don't want to hear it," I said finally, my hands shaking a bit. "Because it's kind of repetitive, but…I really am sorry. I made a mistake…"

"…and broke a heart in the process…" he finished.

"Or maybe more," I whispered to myself before he pulled up to my house.

I didn't want to end it here with him, with no closure or anything. I felt like it was so unresolved and I wanted to have some sort of control over something. But I knew that at this point, I had to wait for him to come to me, if that would ever happen. And no matter how many times I apologized, it wouldn't matter.

Because it's not about what you say, it's about what you do.

But is it really about what you do? Isn't it ultimately about what you did? Or is that just crazily cynical? Because shouldn't people be able to realize their mistakes and change? Are second chances really a lie?

Why do things like this always make you question everything?

"Night," he said and I nodded sadly, beginning to open the door but stopping.

"Do you think we'll ever be able to be friends, Reed?" I asked, my voice so vulnerable and so fragile. "Like, real friends?"

There was a long pause before he spoke again and before any words formed in his mouth, he sighed. "I don't think so," he said honestly and took one last look at me sadly before putting the car back into gear. "Seconds chances are a lie, remember?"

I laughed sadly. "But isn't this our third?"

He nodded. "Goodnight, Haley."

"Goodnight," I whispered to no one as I heard the car drive off in the direction of his house. "I'm sorry." I didn't watch him leave though; somehow I thought he might be flicking me off.

That's what I deserved anyway.

I thought about Riley as I walked into my house. Everything seemed to remind me of her considering she and I had mostly grown up in this house together. The reason one of the floorboards for the porch is loose is because she fell through it when we were seven. The second post to the left has our heights on it all the way up to when we were fourteen. I can see a picture of us on the mantel through the porch window.

And it makes me more sad than I could ever tell you.

Because I know what we fought about was stupid and I know that something like this shouldn't tear apart a friendship, but for some reason, I know that it has. Because it was about so much more, it was about lying, it was about betrayal and it was about the distance that we had subconsciously put between us.

I opened the door with my key but it was stuck, I had to push the heel of my foot on it to get it to open. There's nothing more frustrating that obstacles in your way when you've lost all patience. When the door closed behind me, I wanted to fall against it.

I was too tired to move.

But I made myself walk all the way to the couch before I collapsed, one leg hanging off the side. My head tilted to the right and I picked up a picture on the table beside me. It was solely of me when I was about fifteen, laughing hysterically about something that probably wasn't even that funny. I envied myself in the picture, so careless, so with a best friend.

I groaned loudly and threw the picture across the room. "This sucks," I said aloud and let my lips flutter. I hated feeling like this.

I sat staring up at the ceiling mindlessly for about fifteen minutes, overanalyzing, feeling sorry for myself, all the things one expects a teenage girl to do after a break up. But it wasn't even about that. Sure, I felt bad about Reed…but I wasn't wallowing over him, I was wallowing over the best friend I had potentially just lost and the boy toy I was supposed to be over by now.

I'm sorry to say it again, but this sucks.

There was a knock on the door.

"No one's home," I yelled at the top of my lungs so that it would carry out the door.

The knocking continued.

"Fine, if you want to be bitched out then go ahead and let yourself in, it's open." I yelled and I heard footsteps enter the house and come closer. My vision was upside down but it was without a doubt, the cause of the fight himself. "What are you doing here, Nathan?" I groaned, annoyed before closing my eyes.

"I thought you might need a friend," he said, his voice calm. He obviously didn't seem to care about my hostile tone in the least.

"So then why are you here?" I bitched.

I heard him sigh and move closer but I didn't budge, and still didn't open my eyes. "I know you're upset right now but don't take it out on me, I didn't do anything."

"Like hell you didn't," I laughed, finally opening my eyes and sitting up. "I wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for you and your stupid games. I might still have a best friend if you didn't bring it upon yourself to lure me into your bed like some Goddamn moth to a flame."

He scoffed. "I didn't tell you to lie to her about it, Haley."

He was challenging me.

"I wouldn't have had anything to lie to her about if you had just kept your dick in your pants." I screamed, standing up and standing directly in front of him. Suddenly, I wasn't so tired.

"Oh that's real nice, Haley. Blame it on me. It's easier than blaming yourself, right?" He said back, glaring at me.

"Why don't you tell me why you're really here, Nathan? To rub it in my face? Well, congratulations! You got to me, are you happy now?" I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at him. My throat was starting to hurt.

"Why is it so hard to believe that I'm here to see if you're okay?" He asked, averting his eyes so that he could roll them.

"Because you always have a hidden agenda! Always," I cried.

"That's not true and you know it," he said, his voice turning into a loud whisper. "I never deliberately tried to hurt you, Haley. You know that," he insisted. "And you can blame me for this fight all you want to, but deep down, you know it has nothing to do with me."

I closed my eyes. "It has everything to do with you."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," he said and I could hear in his voice that he was turning away so I opened my eyes. Before he reached the door, he stopped. "We have our own issues to deal with, Haley…ones that don't involve Riley in the least. And when you're ready to face them, you know where to find me. But before we can deal with that, you need to pull yourself together and face whatever it is you're running from."

I gulped and watched him walk out the door, slamming it behind him. I winced at the loud sound it made and closed my eyes. When I finally opened them, my vision was cloudy. "I'm running from you," I whispered.

My mom came home the next day. "I missed you," she cooed and it took every strength inside me not to roll my eyes. If she missed me, she would be home; she wouldn't leave every second she got the chance too. She just felt obligated to say it, I suppose, so that she wouldn't feel guilty for leaving their youngest daughter alone.

It's a joke, really.

My dad was still in Fiji on a business trip. Why he would be in Fiji for business, I have no idea but I don't question it because I find it's easier to leave something unsaid. Like the affair I know both of them are having. Why they don't just get a divorce is beyond me.

I wonder if they think they're doing it for me.

The problem with my mom being home for the weekend is that it means I can't sit around the house and mope. It means I have to go out into the world where I will probably run into at least one of the people I'm avoiding. It's a small town.

Too small.

"Hunny, where are you going?" My mother asked as I tried my best to tip toe down the stairs.

"Oh, just over to Riley's house…" I lied "…I'll be back later."

She smiled and picked the paper back up, sipping at her coffee. "Okay, tell her I say hello."

I scoffed quietly. "Sure, mom."

I didn't really have anywhere to go. I didn't really know if there was anywhere I wanted to go but I knew that staying cooped up in the house with my mother was worse than facing the outside world. I was willing to have a little bit of awkward tension if it meant escaping the fakeness that is my mother.

My feet carried me to the Café between my house and Riley's. We used to go there a lot when we were little to buy brownies and what not but somewhere along the way, we just stopped going. I never really thought about it before. As I opened the café door, I heard the bell jingle to signal my arrival. My eyes darted to the corner booth and there sat Riley.

It's funny how we both had the same idea.

She was all alone, sitting there staring at her cup of coffee as she stirred it with her spoon. Riley doesn't drink coffee so I figured it must have been a long night for her, just like it had been for me. I half expected her to look up and make things easier but she didn't, she just sat there, totally unaware of my presence.

It was probably better that way.

I cleared my throat and she looked up. When she saw me, however, she looked back down and didn't say anything. She wasn't going to make this easy for me, that's for sure.

"Are we going to talk about this?" I asked, sitting across from her.

She shook her head. "Not right now, Haley."

"Are your really mad at me because I slept with Nathan?" I asked, my voice lowering.

She shook her head again, still refusing to look up. "You lied to me, Haley."

"You lied to me too," I defended. "Can't we call it even?" I asked hopefully.

She sighed loudly but her eyes didn't stray from her coffee. "Maybe our friendship wasn't as strong and honest as I thought," she said finally, her voice barely a whisper. "I don't know anymore."

I stared at her for a long time, trying to figure out exactly what it was that she was thinking. It didn't make sense, why was she doing this? Did she not care enough to rebuild what we had? Is this her way of blowing me off completely? "What are you saying?" I choked out. "You don't want to be friends anymore?" I narrowed my eyes in disbelief; my shock turning to anger without warning. "Oh, that's great, Riley. Throw nine or something years away just because we're not as strong and honest as you thought?"

I couldn't believe her.

"That's not what I'm saying, Haley and you know it," she said, finally looking up. "What I am saying is that maybe we don't know each other like we thought we did. Maybe this was all a lie."

"Do you really believe that?" I scoffed. "What is up with you, Riley? Is this about Jesse, are you blowing me off because of Jesse?"

"This has nothing to do with him!" She huffed. "But what if it did, huh? You would be a damn hypocrite wouldn't you? Because you're throwing this away over some guy too…some guy who by the way, is going to get bored with you in a couple of weeks, days even."

I felt the tears coming back. "I didn't throw anything away," I whispered. "That's all you, Riley."

The worst kind of break ups are the ones with your friends. Boys come and go, but friends are supposed to be forever. And when one of your friends starts questioning your friendship, it hurts, more than anything any boy could say to you.

It's the worst kind of heart break.

I looked at her one last time and laughed bitterly to myself, rising from my seat across from her. "And just for the record, Nathan and I never really started." I paused. "Not really, anyway." And that was the last thing I said before making my way out of the Café.

I had lost my appetite.

At noon on Monday, I walked into the cafeteria where I usually sat, suddenly realizing that I was going to have to live the high school nightmare of sitting alone at lunch. I spotted Riley and Jesse at the table to the right of me and Nathan soon joined them, casting me a mysterious glance. Riley looked up at me, and then looked down and Jesse, aware of the tension, did the same.

He smiled awkwardly.

I let out a barely audible sigh and turned to walk in the other direction. Thankfully, I spotted Terra leaving a group of friends and beginning to sit down at an empty table. I made my way over to her and cleared my throat. She looked up. "Hey," she said, sort of surprised.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked sheepishly and she shook her head.

"It is now," she said and I took the seat across from her, beginning to stab my fork into the salad in front of me. Salad was the only edible thing in our cafeteria. "How are you?" She asked and it wasn't such a stupid polite conversation starter as it was a sly way of asking about the situation she had witnessed the weekend before.

I shrugged. "I screwed up, now I'm paying for it."

"Riley will get over it," she assured me, glancing in her direction. "Just give it time. I mean, all you did was sleep with Nathan…she's not going to disown you for something like that."

I raised an eyebrow. "Apparently she is. Only she says that it's because our friendship isn't as strong and honest as she thought it was and now she's questioning everything. You believe that? It's so ridiculous."

She was silent.

"You don't think it's ridiculous?"

She laughed nervously. "You want my honest opinion?"

"Of course."

"It's not ridiculous. In fact, it actually makes sense, a lot more sense than her being mad at you over something as stupid as you having sex with Nathan. She thought that you guys were better than all the lying and betraying and when she finds out your not, it freaks her out. She's probably just going through trust issues…I did the same in her position."

"And you never trusted her again," I pointed out, taking a bite of my salad. "I'm so screwed."

She shrugged. "Maybe…maybe not. Just stop worrying, the anxiety will kill you."

The way Terra and I talked, it was like Riley and I before all this started happening and it made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I missed my Riley, but from the looks of her and Jesse together, she didn't feel the same.

"So did you talk to Nathan?" She asked. "I tried to convince him not to go after you when I told him you'd left but he's a stubborn bastard."

I nodded in agreement. "Yea, he came over. It was pretty ugly."

She raised an eyebrow. "Uh oh."

I laughed. "Yea. Uh oh is right. I totally flipped out at him, told him it was basically all his fault and he yelled right back. I feel pretty bad, I was out of line." I paused, glancing behind me to look at him. "But I think it's easier that we ended like that."

She scoffed.

"What?" I asked innocently.

But before she could open her mouth, I felt the bench shift and looked over to find Lucas, sliding in next to me, one leg inside the table and the other on the outside so that he could face me. "Do you hate me?" He asked. "You didn't return my calls all weekend and I was starting to worry."

"Lucas," I rolled my eyes. "I could never hate you even if I tried. You're innocent little Lucas, you wet the bed until you were ten."

His eyes widened and he looked over at Terra and shook his head. "She's lying," he assured her and she tried to stifle a laugh, nodding mock seriously and looking back down at her food. He looked back to me. "But I'm the reason you and Riley aren't speaking anymore," he said.

I laughed lightly. "Lucas, I am the reason Riley and I aren't speaking anymore. You simply made the inevitable come sooner than planned. It's not your fault." I wished I could blame Lucas, then I would have to blame myself…but I knew that I couldn't.

He pulled me in for a hug. "She'll come around."

"So everyone keeps saying…" I said, looking briefly over at Nathan and Riley.

"And so will he…" he whispered.

I laughed. "I don't know if I want him to."