Retreat

A fic by madetobite7787

"Joey, you're crying again…"

Joey sniffled and quickly wiped the tears that were streaming down her face.

"That's Ms. Potter to you," Joey quipped trying to assure her personal assistant Maggie that she was fine.

"This is the third time this week, Jo. I'm really beginning to get worried about you. Please, tell me you're okay or I may be forced to tell Pacey about this."

Joey's face suddenly darkened. She grabbed Maggie by the arm and forcefully pulled her close. Her grip tightening and she murmured angrily to a frightened Maggie, "Don't you dare open that big mouth of yours or you're through working for me and if I can help it, for anyone else."

Joey slowly released her grip, the anger oozing out of her. Who was she becoming? And without a word, Maggie turned and walked away from her office.

Joey began to cry again, but this time the sobs shook her entire, increasingly petite body. She shivered with frustration at herself and the turbulent emotions that had been plaguing her for what seemed months now. Only recently though had these emotions manifested themselves physically and it scared Joey to death because she had no idea how to stop them. It seemed as though the last few days were the result of an explosion, of something she was trying so hard to hide.

She questioned herself nearly every moment of the day. Everyone saw her as the mature, independent, and stable woman that she once saw herself as. She wasn't the one who was supposed to be having these sorts of problems.

What was driving her insane? Was it her father's sudden death? Was it her secret addiction to her prescription painkillers? Or maybe it was her decision to abort her unborn child.

Joey couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she did know that the past three months had completely changed her life and that now she felt entirely lost.

"Miss Josephine Potter, would you like this visit to remain anonymous?"

"Yes, ma'am, I would."

Joey glanced around the waiting room of the nondescript clinic. She had chosen one in the North Bronx, outside of Manhattan. She was paranoid and afraid that everyone would find out about her shameful behavior; that everyone would know that she was a murderer.

She has decided to have an abortion. Alone.

Pacey had no idea that she was even pregnant and she wasn't going to be the bearer of the news. She just wasn't ready to have a child yet, even with the man that she was going to marry. And she knew she couldn't involve Pacey in this decision because he loved kids and would be so excited to begin a family with her. It broke her heart not to be able to give Pacey what he wanted but she just couldn't imagine giving up her independence and freedom and relinquishing in the name of family. She felt selfish and even evil for those thoughts. And it burdened her even more that she couldn't share one of the most traumatic experiences of her life with anyone. It was a weight that she alone had to carry for the rest of her life because if Pacey ever found out, she was certain he would leave her.

Joey heard her name being called again. It seemed distant. Everything felt like a dream, like it wasn't real.

"Miss Potter, before we provide an abortion to any patient, we ask that they please speak with one of our counselors."

Joey shook her head slowly. "I don't want to speak to anyone. I just want to get it over with."

The physician's assistant grabbed Joey's hand.

"Sweetie, I know this is hard. It is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I know, I been through it myself and I can tell you, it will really help if you talk to somebody about this decision, if not to the counselors, then to me."

"I'm sorry," Joey began to cry. "I can't, I just can't."

"Okay then. I won't force you. Just follow me."

The memory of that day was too painful for Joey to bear. She reached for her purse and shook all of the contents out of the bag. Several containers fell out, all filled with an assortment of pills. She frantically grabbed one of the containers, opened it, and stuffed her mouth with several of the brightly colored capsules. Once she swallowed them, she breathed a sigh of relief.

Getting high was the only way she knew to get rid of the pain. Getting high would take her to better times, like her summer on True Love, or when Pacey proposed to her in Venice. It was a vacation from the reality of her life.

Joey felt a stinging pain running down her spine. It had been there ever since she left the clinic after the procedure. She tried to ignore it in an effort to keep Pacey or anyone from noticing, but now it was beginning to affect the way she walked and she knew she had to do something about it.

She inhaled deeply before entering. It was a place she vowed never to see again and yet, there she was.

When she finally went inside, she saw the physician's assistant that had helped her get through that day. She was so grateful to her and she had no idea how to express that gratitude.

"Miss Potter! Well isn't it a pleasure to see you again. What can I help you with?"

"Diane, the pleasure is all mine." Joey gave the woman a hug, which in itself was very difficult because of the intense pain it caused her back. Diane saw Joey and arched her eyebrow.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"That's why I'm here. I'm having this horrible back pain that I just can't get rid of. I've tried everything, but nothing works. I'm beginning to think its something serious."

"Well, let's go see the doctor in there. I'm sure he can prescribe you something."

Joey felt dizzy, but it was as if all of her problems had gone away. She could feel the burden she carried, lift. She grabbed the Vicodin that had slid across her desk. Clumsily, she opened it and began to take several of them at a time. After the container was completely emptied, Joey laid her head on her desk and began to dream. Finally, she was at peace.

Pacey stood on line at McDonald's. Joey was a health nut, but every now and then she needed one of those sloppy, greasy lunches. And, deny it as she may, Joey loved every minute as she chewed through that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

It was lunch at Joey's office every Tuesday and Pacey never missed their premeditated date. It was a time when they would catch up on things. Living in New York, your life would suddenly change before your eyes. Everything would move so fast you might just miss it, but Pacey wanted to make sure his relationship wouldn't slip past.

He was cook at a very trendy SoHo restaurant. He had finally managed to have everything he wanted. He was a substantial amount of money doing a job he loved and he finally had Joey by his side. Though things were a little rocky as of late, he was sure that they were happy.

He made his way to the twenty-third floor of Joey's office building and began to greet all of her co-workers. His hands were full with their lunch and he was having trouble twisting the doorknob to Joey's office.

When he finally did, he looked around the office. There were empty orange vials spread across the floor. Papers were strewn about and Joey had her head down on the desk, a pile of vomit next to her.

Pacey dropped the bags on the floor, soda slipping all across, and reached for Joey. Her skin was cold and clammy to the touch. Her face had a light tint of blue and it was obvious she was having trouble breathing. He reached for his cell phone and dialed 911.

All he could mutter was, "…My girlfriend is overdosing and I don't think she is going to make it."