Disclaimer: See Chapter One
Updated: Sunday 17th April 2005
Chapter Sixty Seven: Why Didn't You Tell Me?
Estella was lucky that her Godfather had intervened during the Occlumency attack, for she suffered no memory damage. After being released from the infirmary a week later, Estella had returned to the Ravenclaw dormitories to discover her trunk and all of her belongings had been shifted down into the dungeon quarters her Uncle inhabited just like her Uncle had told her when she had first awoken.
"No way!" She roared as she stormed into the living rooms of her Uncle's chambers, intent on retrieving her belongings and leaving. She had tried fruitlessly to have a Ravenclaw house elf to fetch them for her, but only Lena was allowed to enter the rooms, and she would only answer to whomever was in the dungeon quarters at the time. It was positively infuriating.
"May I enquire as to the cause of your tone?" Severus asked silkily, looking up at her from a book as she blew through into his sanctuary. "I really must protest against it."
"Protest against this, then!" She snapped, storming into her room and slamming the door shut.
Severus flinched, his jaw clenching irritably. As much as he wanted to chastise the insubordinate child for her shameless display of disrespect, he knew he would only be adding fuel to the fire if he confronted her in such a mood. Especially after his shameful behaviour in the infirmary. Part of him had been cowardly hoping that she didn't remember it and he could have gotten away with just pretending it didn't happen.
Moments later, Estella emerged from her room, hot and flushed, dragging her trunk behind her.
Glancing up at her nonchalantly, Severus raised an eyebrow. "Where do you think you're going with that?" He asked softly, yet firmly.
"Back to my dorms, where I belong." She said just as firmly, crossing the room and trying the door, which was locked.
"You will do no such thing!" Severus said sternly, rising from his chair. "I regret what happened in the infirmary, but I must insist. You will be staying here until you tell me what happened that night. We need to resolve this."
Estella sneered, putting her trunk down against the door and siting on it languidly. "Oh goodie. No classes." She said flippantly, crossing her arms defiantly. "Let's bond."
"Estella, I only want what's best for you. I'm your Uncle and guardian, I do not think I am asking too much to know what happened so I can assess the safety of your environment." Severus said between clenched teeth. "Therefore you will attend your classes and live here otherwise until I know unequivocally that it is safe for me to leave you alone."
'I need to know that you're not going to run to him, Estella…' His mind silently continued.
"Well that's no fun." Estella said, bored, as she stood up, smirking. "Reducio" She pointed her wand at her trunk, shrinking it with the spell so she could carry it in her pocket. "Gotta love being able to do magic at home."
"Estella!" Severus said warningly, rounding the couch jerkily to intervene. "I said…"
"Bombarda!" Estella cast the blasting curse at the door, ignoring her Uncle as the broken door swung open.
Running now, Estella was shaking all over. Never in her life had she been so blatantly disobedient… and it was scaring her just how liberating it was.
"Estella!" Her Uncle growled breathlessly as his longer legs caught up with her easily, pulling her to a stop by force. "How dare you…"
"No!" Estella interrupted. "How dare you!"
Severus froze. His mind was awash with insecurities and fear… he still didn't know if she knew; and all her actions so far had suggested to him that maybe she did.
Dropping his hand from her arm, he gave her a piercing look. "It's not safe for you."
"If it's so unsafe why aren't all the other students being locked in the dungeons?" She asked haughtily. "I thought prison was supposed to be for criminals."
Severus cringed. 'Let me be reading too far into that comment!' He told himself over and over. The uncertainty of not knowing was eating at him in a way he would never have expected.
"I'm just trying to do what's right for you…" He said, his tone almost pleading.
"Oh right. Like invading my mind to satisfy your own perverse desire to know everything and making me relive it was in my best interests, huh?" She snapped, pulling away. "I'm still here, Uncle Sev! Why do you need to know what happened? Why can't you let it drop?"
"Because…" Severus said weakly before he was interrupted.
"No, Uncle Sev, I don't care about your reasons." She said sadly. "All I know is that after what you did I don't think I would be comfortable staying with you."
"That's absurd!" Severus said, wiping a hand over his face in exasperation. "You don't trust me, is that it?"
"How do I know you won't try and break into my mind in my sleep?" Estella said, her voice broken as tears started to form. "I want to trust you, really I do, but you just don't help yourself there. And to think you accuse the Gryffindors of being impulsive and foolish!"
Severus stood, mouth agape. Estella continued. "I just need some time, alright, Uncle Sev?" She pleaded. "I'll still come around like I have been; but I want to be around my friends and be like all the other students as well, alright? Those that aren't my friends are already looking at me funny and talking about me – appearing to be locked in the dungeons 'for my safety' will only make things worse."
"I suppose when you put it that way." Severus said wearily. "I still do not care for how you were conducting yourself earlier, however."
"Don't expect me to apologise." Estella said resolutely, her head held high. "Your conduct has hardly been commendable either… let's call it even."
"I will be more than happy to account for my actions if you follow in my stead." Severus said stubbornly.
"I don't care to hear your apologies." Estella sighed. "I want you to earn back my trust."
With that, Estella turned on her heel and left, her robes billowing behind her, leaving a shaken Potions Master in her wake. She was halfway to the Ravenclaw common room, however, when she was suddenly started from her reverie by the vicious screeching of Argus Filch's darned cat. Diverting her course to investigate, Estella was bemused to see that the mangy old Mrs Norris had managed to corner a poor unfortunate rat.
Her mind flicking back to an almost forgotten promise made almost half a lifetime previously, Estella flicked out her wand.
"Accio rat!" She summoned the rat to her, clearing it from the cat's wrath. Then, turning her attention to the cat that was now giving her a threatening look, she pointed her wand again. "Expelliarmus!"
Mrs Norris was sent flying down the corridor as a result of the disarming spell. Estella smirked, it worked every time. Some may say she was being inhumanely cruel, but short of giving the cat a flying lesson, she wasn't doing any harm. Damn thing always managed to land on her feet.
Casting her attentions to the rat that was squirming frantically as she held it disdainfully by the tail, Estella couldn't help but be filled with a strange sense of de ja vu. She never really cared that much for rats. When her Godfather had given her a toy rat to add to her soft toy collection and had offered to make stories up about him, she had freaked out and thrown the ugly looking thing in the fire.
"You wiggle like a worm, you know that?" She screwed up her nose at the vile little rodent in her hand. "If I was going to keep you I think I'd call you Wormtail."
The rat in question froze. Assuming it was in shock, Estella held it up for closer inspection. "My you certainly look like you've gotten through a few scrapes." She said, noting the creature's missing toe. "And they say cats have nine lives!"
'Wormtail' started squirming again. Estella chuckled. "I'm not going to feed you to any cats, don't worry." She mused, continuing her way down the hallway. "Though I should take you to my Godfather, he's a Professor. He'll be able to find out if you belong to anyone."
Bypassing the Ravenclaw rooms for the time being, Estella headed towards the Defence teacher's quarters instead.
"Honestly, Wormy, I'm gonna have to stun you if you don't stop wiggling!" She admonished the rodent as she climbed the stairs. "If I drop you Mrs Norris will find you!"
As the rat only increased his efforts to escape, Estella frowned. Staring at it intently, something else caught her mind.
'Beware the rat.' Her father had said. She almost dropped the rat in realisation. In the back of her mind, pieces of the dream she'd had whilst in Gryffindor tower flashed into her conscious mind, mixing with the very foggy memory of refusing to allow the toy Wormtail to become one of her Marauder toys.
"Grey eyes?" She said distantly, her mind struggling to piece the abstract images together. "Beware the rat? What does it mean? Does it mean anything?… Maybe Remus will know… do you think I should ask Moony, Wormtail?"
The rat tried to bite her, but Estella was too quick, holding the offensive rodent in a way that would prevent it from hurting her. "Well!" She said indignantly. "If that's how you show gratitude, I might go feed you to the damn cat after all!"
"What are you doing with Scabbers?" A furious voice hissed from behind her.
"Oh hi Harry." Estella said conversationally. "You know who this belongs to?"
Harry snatched Scabbers from Estella. "You were going to feed her to Mrs Norris!"
"No Harry! I saved him from the cat! He was trying to bite so I told him off for being ungrateful and threatened…" She explained lightly before taking in the murderous look on his face. "…Harry? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" Harry mocked, his tone seething at her. "What's wrong? Didn't you think I had a right to know what your father did? Ow! Scabbers!"
Harry dropped Scabbers, nursing a nipped finger as the rat ran out of sight. Estella paled.
"Harry… I…" Estella stumbled over her words. "I didn't know until recently, I swear on my Mother."
"I don't care." Harry spat. "You've had plenty of chances to tell me! You could have told me that night in the infirmary, but no, you were too busy getting me to tell you it was OK to let him get away!"
Estella began to sob. "Please, let us go somewhere and talk about this!" She said pleadingly. "Why do you think I went to Gryffindor Tower that night, Harry? I was waiting for you! To tell you then! I couldn't handle you not knowing…"
"Why did you wait until then?" Harry asked accusingly.
"Because I knew you'd hate me when you found out!" Estella blurted.
"Well you're right about one thing." Harry said darkly.
"Harry, please, you can't mean that!" Harry gasped.
"No Estella! Everything you've said has been a lie! Everything! Even if you didn't know it was a lie to begin with!" He said.
"Don't you think I don't know that!" Estella pleaded. "That's why I couldn't find the right way to tell you! I felt sick! I wouldn't have… if I had known!"
"Let me finish. I felt connected to you because you were a part of the life that was taken away from me." Harry said forlornly. "But now you are just a reminder of why… of how… my parents died in the first place."
Estella lowered her head, her bottom lip trembling uncontrollably. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry." She looked up, her watery grey eyes flinching at the cold green steel that tore into her. "I hope one day you will be able to see past it. I… I… you're a good person, Harry."
"Maybe I could have." Harry said, looking at her coolly. "Had you not indulged yourself like that when you were in the infirmary. How could you have asked that of me without me knowing?"
"I'm… I'm… sorry, Harry, truly I am!" Estella said. "It's no excuse, but I had just been to hell and back… I didn't know what I was thinking…"
"Hell and back?" Harry snapped, spittle landing on his chin. "Hell and back! I'll give you hell and back! Try living for 10 years in a cupboard, with people who hated you and called you a freak every day whilst you did all the chores and grew up thinking that your parents didn't love you!" He paused. "From how I see it, you've had it pretty good. Your Uncle may be a bit hard, but at least he cares. You have a Godfather that worships the ground you walk on and would never betray your parents… and now you've had an encounter with your father – who is alive still – and you liken the fact he actually seemed happy to see you as being a trip to Hell and back? How could you be so… so… so… cruel… so… selfish? I will never see my parents again! Never see them cry, never smell them or have them look at me! And it's all his fault!"
"Oh Harry…" Estella sobbed, unable to find the words to douse her friend's anger. Everything he had said was true.
"Stay away from me, Black." He said venomously, his eyes shinning with his own tears. "Maybe Ron was right about you after all."
Looking at her one last time with a look of hurt and betrayal on his face, he brushed past her and headed towards the Gryffindor Tower. Her shoulders heaving uncontrollably, and her eyes brimming with tears, Estella held back a strangled sob as she turned and ran in the opposite direction from Harry; towards her Godfather's rooms.
"Estella?" Remus shot up from behind the desk in his office, knocking over his cup of tea and unsettling his paperwork in the process. "What's wrong?"
The distraught child responded by throwing herself in her Godfather's arms and sobbing uncontrollably. Wracking his mind frantically, Remus could hardly think of a time when he'd seen the child that upset.
"Did your Uncle do this to you?" He growled protectively, cupping the child's moist face in his hands. "I swear if he hurt you in some way…"
"No, no…" Estella managed between hiccuping sobs. "It hic wasn't hic him."
"Who then? Malfoy?" Remus asked, clutching at wand cores.
"H-h-h-harry!" Estella cried out. "He knows everything! He h-h-h-hates m-m-me!"
Remus sighed. Pulling the child into a firm embrace he rubbed soothing circles on her back and cooed in her ear. "Hush there, cub. I'm sure Harry doesn't blame you. He'll come around once the news sinks in…"
'How in Merlin did the boy find out?' His mind was reeling.
"But I was awful! I was selfish and inconsiderate!" Estella admonished herself, lowering her eyes. "I shouldn't have waited…"
Swallowing hard, Remus tilted Estella's chin so that their eyes were level. "Look at me." He directed softly. "Just give him time. He will realise how difficult it would have been for you to tell him; he will understand eventually."
Letting out a shaky sigh, Estella squeezed her eyes shut. "I-I-I don't know, Moony." She said quietly, the worst of her sobs over. "J-just hold me for a while, please?"
Tightening his grip, Remus kissed the child firmly on the top of the head as she buried her face in his chest. Ever since she was a infant, she'd always found comfort in the steadying beat of his heart.
"You never have to ask, cub. You never have to ask."
End Chapter: Why Didn't You Tell Me?