Chapter 5: Upside down and inside out

August 23, 1999

Doug…

Oh I know it's been months since I've sat down and wrote but my life has been turned completely upside down right now. I don't even know where to start right now. It's only been three months since I last wrote to you I know that. I'm sorry for that. I should make an effort to write to you more often but lately I just haven't had the time. I guess I should start where all the bad stuff started. It's always best to start at the beginning or so I have been told a few times.

Okay before I get into the bad stuff let me just give you the one piece of what a few months ago was good news, it's not so good anymore. Max and I went down to Reno on a small short vacation back in June and well we decided that life was short, and that we didn't want to bother with all the formal stuff with everything else that was going on and we tied the knot on June 10th.

My dad passed away last month sadly. I don't know what I am going to do with out him. He's always been there for me and at times I get overwhelmed now because I don't have him to go and talk to. Max and I right now are doing well either. It's been pretty stressful on both of us and I don't know how to make it any less strenuous. I wish I knew how to fix it but I don't think that this time I can.

I lost my job yesterday and that didn't do anything good for us either. I don't want to admit it to anyone but I think that he's using again. But if that's the case he won't talk to me about it, and I'm almost afraid this time to confront him about it, just because I could be so wrong. And if I am wrong that's just going to cause even more problems cause he'll think that I don't trust him anymore, and maybe I don't that could be part of our entire problem. Needless to say I just don't know what to do anymore. There doesn't seem to be a simple answer to this and the solution is one that I can't seem to find.

Speaking of that, I know that I can trust you, more than anyone else in the world, especially right now. I almost screwed it up, threw everything away, momentary lapse of weakness, something like that but everything had really gotten to me and it was right there, right in front of me and I wanted to like I have never wanted to before. I hate temptation it's an evil thing I mean granted I didn't cross the line that time but it's not the only time that I have thought about it in the last few weeks, seems like every time I turn around the opportunity is there for me. I'm just not doing well and I know it, but I'll save the rest of it for later.

How are you doing? You know that I think about you every now and then. I find myself wondering how that new job of yours in Seattle is going and if you're happy there. Do you know if they have any opening for a pediatrician? Yeah I know you said that the day I moved you would be in complete shock but I just don't know how much longer I can stay in Philadelphia right now. I almost don't feel safe here right now. But that doesn't mean that I want you to worry about me because I'm fine really, probably just paranoid about everything and well that's me. Miss Independent feels a little less independent right now.

I talked with Carter a little while ago. He seems to be doing better now. He and Lucy seem to be getting along and she's not the horrible med student that he thought she was going to be. Guess after all this time he finally got one that isn't going to kill him. I guess congratulations are in order he told me that you were going to be a dad here soon. Carol's pregnant that must be wonderful for you two. I know that you will both be great parents. I'm sure that even with the distance between you two that you'll find a way to make it work.

Well I need to go Max is yelling for me from the other room now. I don't want him to get too peeved at me thinking that I am not listening to him or that I'm not here when I really am. It would just add fuel to a fire that doesn't need to be fed. Not that he'd ever hurt me, no he's not that kind of man but I don't want to push buttons, I don't want us to have a major fight and one of us end up walking away from something that could get better. I know that we love each other and that this isn't meant to be easy, but sometimes the effort that it takes to keep it together just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Anyways I have to run.

Take care Doug,

Anna

Doug got off work and opened up Anna's letter, after reading it he was a little worried about her. Something just didn't seem right with her. It was one of the longer letters that I had written him and even her saying I didn't feel safe anymore was enough to raise alarms with him. Being on the complete opposite coast there wasn't much that he could do from there. He hoped that she was just feeling stressed from everything that had been happening with her over the last few months, but for something to have happened that she would have gotten fired for with Anna not saying anything other than she lost her job, that concerned him as well. For he knew Anna never broke the rules, she was always on time, dressed well for her position, something didn't add up right here and he didn't know what to make of it. So he sat down that night writing her back right away.

August 29, 1999

Hey Anna,

I got you letter today and I'm sitting down to answer it right away. I think that this must be a first for me. I normally am pretty bad about these kinds of things but hey you're my friend and well I wanted to.

I'm sorry about your dad. I know that's got to be pretty hard on you. It's terrible when we lose someone that's that close to us. And from what you've told me you and your dad were pretty close. But I know that you are strong, you are very strong and if anyone can get through something like that I know it's you. You've got a lot of friends, so don't you forget that. Don't you hesitate to call me if things get to tough and you want someone to just talk at, you know that I will always have time for you.

So you lost your job huh, well that's just not right, I don't know a harder working doctor than you. Okay I know one, that's me ( that better have made you smile) But in all seriousness since you have some time off now why don't you come spend a few days up here in Seattle and visit an old friend. I'd be more than happy to pick you up at the airport and well I have this really nice house on Lake Washington that has an extra room not being used that you can have. I'm sure you've earned yourself a vacation and maybe you and Max just need a little time apart from each other until your nerves aren't so raw. The death of a parent, I'm sure as you are well aware of, is extremely stressful and right now it's probably just getting to both of you. But really you are more than welcome here if you need or want to get away for a little while.

I'm doing fine, well as well as can be expected. I'm adjusting to life up here with out everyone; I miss my friends in Chicago and my friend in Philadelphia too. I can't pull the pranks here that I could back when I was in Chicago. They don't know me well enough and I don't know them well enough yet to be up to my old tricks just yet, but I'm getting there.

Carol's due in December but I don't think she'll get that far. She said that we are having twins but doesn't want to know if we are having girls or boys. She feels that this is one of the true surprises in life and wants to wait. So I have no idea if I am having sons or daughters. But either way I am excited.

The hospital where I work can always use a good pediatrician, granted they have only one right now (okay I am joking there) but still yeah they could use another one and I'm sure that I could speak highly of you if you wanted me to since after all what are friends for.

You just let me know what you need and Anna honestly if I can I will do what I can to help you out. You are a friend and I would fly over there right now if I could to help get you through this. There's nothing that I wouldn't do if it's with in my power okay so don't' you hesitate to ask.

Take care of yourself there missy I want to hear from you soon so that I know that everything is okay with you.

Doug

Doug decided that he needed to take the initiative here and he stuck in a plane ticket for her to Seattle. He knew if he sent it to Anna he would end up guilt tripping her into coming up to Seattle, he'd feel better once he saw her with his own eyes.