Chapter 7 – Of Failures and Fears

"Leaves me with the feeling that I fear the most
Feel it come to life when I see your ghost"

Foo Fighters, 'All My Life'

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It was raining when Lorelai walked into the diner the next morning. Instead of her usual place at the counter, she picked a table near the window. Luke was nowhere in sight. Instead, it was Rachel who was serving the customers. Lorelai watched her for a moment, marveling at how much she seemed to feel at home. A tiny bit of Lorelai's heart ached at the thought of Rachel staying for a long time. Instead of Lorelai, it would be Rachel who Luke looked towards for his morning conversations. Her thoughts were interrupted by Rachel herself, complete with a steaming pot of coffee. She smiled at Lorelai, lifting the pot in a suggestive gesture.

"Coffee?" she asked.

"Thanks."

Lorelai sighed, nodding and holding out her cup. Rachel filled it, but before she could leave to attend to the others, Lorelai stopped her with her name.

"Rachel? I want to talk to you," Lorelai requested.

Rachel, surprised, nodded her head and set the coffee pot on the table. She sat down across from Lorelai, who looked at her over the rim of her cup. Lorelai waited for a moment before speaking.

"Luke is my best friend and all I want is for him to be happy," Lorelai stated calmly.

Rachel just looked at her, a confused expression on her face. She knew that Luke and Lorelai were friends. Where was this conversation going?

"Me too," Rachel replied.

"He's wonderful, kind, caring, and only deserves the best," Lorelai continued, looking Rachel in the eye.

"I know," Rachel said, nodding.

Lorelai sipped at her coffee, glancing away from Rachel at the sound of footsteps. Luke had come down from upstairs and was brewing a fresh pot of coffee. Lorelai had to smile at that.

"I don't want him to get hurt again," she said with finality.

Rachel was silent, staring at her hands. She knew what Lorelai meant by that. She was basically accusing Rachel of hurting Luke, and Rachel couldn't deny the truth. After all, Lorelai had been there when Rachel left the first time. Rachel felt Lorelai's eyes on her and rose her own to meet the other woman's gaze. With a solid voice, she spoke again.

"I love him," Rachel declared, almost daring Lorelai to continue.

Even hearing those words come from Rachel made her hurt.

"Then maybe you should do the right thing and leave now before he gets too attached," Lorelai murmured quietly.

Rachel recoiled, looking at Lorelai with shock. What was she saying? Her eyes narrowed as she looked at Lorelai, currently occupied with her nearly empty cup of coffee. Deep in her heart though, she knew Lorelai was right. Taking a deep breath, Rachel recovered quickly and rose from her chair just as Luke came over to their table, surprising both Lorelai and Rachel. He set a steaming breakfast plate in front of Lorelai.

"Oh, you're a god. Thanks," Lorelai said, digging into her pancakes eagerly.

Luke just looked at her with that trademark half-smile. He turned to Rachel then, who was hovering behind him, out of the way. He pecked a good morning kiss on her lips. Rachel didn't respond. She shrugged off his hands and left without a word, the diner door slamming behind her.

Lorelai watched this scene with discomfort, pretending to be engaged with her breakfast. When Luke looked towards her, she dropped her eyes to her breakfast quickly, knowing she was caught. Luke crossed the short distance to her in three steps, resting his hand on the surface of the table. He looked down at her, his gaze intense and angry. He had witnessed Lorelai and Rachel talking, and by the way Lorelai was acting, he knew something was up. Lorelai faked innocence, beginning to ramble as she poked at the pancakes with her fork.

"Geez Luke, these pancakes are great! Did you do something different? I think you did, because they're better… more syrupy or buttery or something. Whatever it is, keep-" she was interrupted by Luke.

"Lorelai, stop. What did you do?" he asked in a low and irate voice.

She looked down, avoiding his gaze. When she didn't speak for a moment, he got agitated.

"Lorelai?" he demanded.

Lorelai forced herself to meet his gaze, cringing as she saw the anger in his eyes.

"Nothing… I-" Luke interrupted her again.

"Don't lie to me, damnit!" Luke yelled, a bit louder than he intended.

Both of them realized that all eyes in the diner were on them. Lowering his voice, Luke jerked his head towards the stairs. Stepping away from the table, his body language screamed for Lorelai to follow him, and quickly. Meekly, she rose from her chair, avoiding the curios eyes of the customer by keeping hers trained to the floor. Yelling to Cesar that he was taking a break, Luke led the way up the stairs, Lorelai trailing reluctantly behind him.

As soon as they reached the door of the apartment, Luke pushed it open and allowed Lorelai to pass. Sometime on the short distance here, Luke had managed to calm himself down sufficiently. Maybe he was overreacting; after all, he didn't know for sure what Lorelai had said. Of course, that was what he was going to find out. Closing the door behind them, Luke turned to Lorelai and crossed his arms over his chest, sending her a glare.

"What did you do? And don't lie to me Lorelai," he nearly warned.

Lorelai started on a whim.

"I went to see Max last night after the festival," she said softly.

Luke rose and eyebrow at this, but let her continue without speaking.

"I hurt him a lot. When I left, I broke his heart," Lorelai said.

Luke heaved and exasperated sigh, uncrossing his arms and staring at her. His intense look made Lorelai take a deep breath, plunging in for the first blow.

"I don't want her to hurt you again like I hurt Max," Lorelai finally blurted out.

At this, Luke wasn't at all surprised. What he didn't understand was why Rachel had left so suddenly without a word. He knew there was something Lorelai wasn't telling him. In frustration, he pulled his hat from his head and ran a hand through his hair. At last, he spoke again.

"Do you love him?" he asked Lorelai.

Shocked, she withdrew a few steps, backing away and shaking her head.

"No, I don't," she said softly.

Satisfied with her answer, Luke continued to prove his point.

"Well, Rachel loves me. That's the difference," he stated.

Lorelai was angered by that. She inhaled sharply, eyes blazing with something resembling anger. Or passion.

"Tell me then, why did she leave before? Why did she leave just now, when you kissed her?" she spat out the words.

Luke's suppressed anger boiled up in him, erupting from him like a fountain. Words flowed from his mouth, words he never thought he'd ever say to anybody, let alone Lorelai.

"Stop it! Just stop! I'm not Max and Rachel isn't you. This is different, Lorelai. This is an adult relationship. They take work, you know. You can't run when things get tough. You have to stick it out, know that it will work because it just has to!" he took a breath. "And just to let you know, I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm not you, Lorelai! I won't let some simple obstacles destroy my relationship. She loves me," Luke trailed off, noticing the hurt look on Lorelai's face.

When did this turn into 'Bash Lorelai's Relationships Day'? She stood in front of Luke, her best friend, completely silent as he yelled about her failures and fears. Lorelai looked down, noticing the uncomfortable silence between them. She willed the tears not to come as she gathered the courage for one last statement. She looked into his deep blue eyes, nearly whispering the words.

"Do you love her, Luke?" she asked.

Luke wasn't expecting that question. He was visibly shaken, holding her gaze with intensity. She was just standing there, waiting for him to answer. Luke gathered his thoughts, pondering. Then it hit him; he didn't know the answer to her question. At a loss for words, he did the only thing he could think of.

He turned and left Lorelai alone, tears running down her face.