Chapter 9 – Of Wallowing and Misery

"Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feeling inside
Yes it's true, loneliness took me for a ride"

Aerosmith, 'Angel'

- - - - -

She was wallowing in her despair. What the hell was wrong with her? She and Luke hadn't been dating, and as far as she knew, wallowing only applied to boyfriend breakups. However, Luke was her best friend and a week without him was not her favorite thing in the world.

Lorelai sat on the couch in sweats and a t-shirt, clutching a carton of ice cream on her lap. She was eating from the carton with a spoon, no bowl included in the picture. The TV blared some strange movie that she didn't know the name of. It distracted her enough from her thoughts that it didn't really matter what it was about.

Lorelai pondered calling Rory, but she didn't want to disturb her daughter so late at night. Washington was good for her; she was having a blast with all of those 'future leaders of America' people. Finishing off the rest of the ice cream, Lorelai dropped the spoon in the bottom with the muffled sound of metal on cardboard. Sighing, she flipped off the TV and headed for the kitchen just as the phone rang.

"Hello," she said wearily.

"Hey Mom. What's going on?" it was Rory.

She hesitated to tell Rory about everything that had transpired since her absence. Lorelai's long silence immediately clued Rory in though; something was up.

"Mom? Are you okay?" she prodded gently.

"Luke and I broke up," Lorelai sighed into the phone.

That wasn't exactly the truth; to break up meant that they must have been dating, which they weren't. Rory was confused.

"What?" she questioned.

Lorelai, recognizing how her statement sounded, was quick to reassure her daughter that nothing like that had happened.

"We had a fight. Over Rachel," she said.

"Rachel? Luke's Rachel?" Rory had heard of her before.

"Yeah, Luke's Rachel. There was definitely some yelling involved…" Lorelai replied.

"Oh Mom, I'm sorry," Rory tried to comfort her mother.

"Don't worry kid, I'll be okay. Now, tell me about this conference of yours. How's the guy selection? You know, I've never been a fan of the dorky type, but sometimes glasses can just do it for you…" Lorelai rambled on and on as Rory interjected suddenly.

"I have to go Mom, late night debate," Rory said.

"You're kidding, right?" Lorelai was amused.

"Yeah. And Mom?" Rory questioned.

"Yes daughter of mine?"

"Talk to Luke. I'm sure you guys can work it out," Rory hung up.

Lorelai kept the phone to her ear for a moment, thinking over what Rory had said. If only she knew the whole truth. Sighing, she pushed the 'off' button with finality. She dropped the phone on the couch amidst the pile of pillows and grabbed the empty ice cream carton, resuming her trek to the kitchen. A knock on her door stopped her yet again. Lorelai's eyebrows vanished into her hairline, but turned back and crossed the living room towards the foyer. Another knock (actually, more of a pound) came, and Lorelai shouted with exasperation.

"I'm coming! Relax!" she said, pulling open the door.

The last person she had expected to see was standing on her porch, an uncomfortable expression on her face.

"Hi Lorelai. Can I come in?" Rachel asked quietly.

Lorelai was deemed speechless. Nodding, she pulled the door open wider to allow Rachel to pass. In those few seconds, Lorelai managed to get a grip on herself again and offer Rachel something to drink.

"Do you want some coffee or anything?" Lorelai asked.

Rachel stopped, shaking her head 'no'. The look on her face had changed from cautious to determined. Crossing her arms in front of her body, Rachel started talking.

"I left Luke," she started.

When Lorelai tried to interrupt, 'I told you so' in her eyes, Rachel held up a hand to stop her.

"I know I'm probably not your most favorite person right now, but just hear me out, okay?"

Lorelai nodded, swallowing thickly.

"As I was saying… I left Luke. I thought I was ready to settle down with him, maybe start a family, but I was wrong. I'll never be that girl, you know, that girl who can stay in one place forever. It's just not me. I need the sense of adventure, of surprise, of packing up and going wherever I want to," she paused for a breath. "I thought I loved Luke, but I was wrong. I guess I loved the idea of Luke; the idea of having someone who was there for me, no questions asked, and who loved me. It would have been fine if he had loved me. But he stopped loving me the last time I left," Rachel finished then, looking at Lorelai.

Lorelai didn't know what to say to this so she just stared. Her hands played with the hem of her shirt, her eyes looking anywhere but at Rachel. This was the last thing she was expecting to hear.

Rachel could sense her bafflement, so she continued with her speech.

"You don't have to say anything Lorelai. You were right. I'm leaving now and I won't be back, so you can stop worrying about any interference from me," Rachel stated with a point.

"Interference with what?" Lorelai was confused.

Rachel just gave her a knowing smile and turned for the door. With a look over her shoulder and a flash of bright eyes, she got to the point of her whole visit.

"Luke cares about you Lorelai. He's been miserable this past week, and from your choice of outfit and the empty carton in your hands, so have you. Just forgive him, okay? He needs you to come into that diner every day," Rachel smiled slightly and left.

Lorelai, dumbfounded, stood at the front door, watching Rachel walk away.