Lost But Not Yet Broken
Chapter 5: Retrospect
An: Gomen Nasai, I'm sorry! I haven't updated I'm such a bad author *sniff* nah you can blame it on life actually. I was hoping to update weekly but do to me coming up with this crap as I go and time restrictions and laziness and so on and so on I may take a while sometimes. But rest assured I will not disappear for two months or more unless I have work. Hehehehehh
Draco: I give it a month before she disappears.
Harry: yeah and she won't come back for two years.
BDL: Bitch where is my beta of ToV 14
MD: already emailed hahahahahahh
Harry: God save me from your good people!
WARNING: disturbing scene ahead read at your own risk. AND ENJOY ^_~
Disclaimer: Again don't sue or I'll curse you I only own them in soul not body muahahahahahahhahah. *no! don't sue, me don't own.*
*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Evanescence: My Immortal
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus closed the door behind him and looked at the small skeletal figure in front of him. Harry stood stock still in the center of the bathroom, which was a level of grandeur in itself. The tub was the size of a small indoor pool, lavished beautifully with dark marble tiles and next to it stood a glass door shower. The floor was a deep rich walnut wood that combined beautifully with the décor. The ceiling tended to match its outside surroundings, turning dark at night and light in the daylight.
Severus ignored the raven haired boy, who was staring at the floor as if it was the most fascinating object in the world, sitting near the rather large tub, Severus turned on the faucets to warming up the water as it filled the mini pool. He turned back as he heard blood curling cry come from the previously apathetic boy.
*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*
Harry stood staring at the tub in the giant bathroom. He barely took in the grandeur of the room itself only focusing on the action that he had blatantly refused out of instinct. "No." he had said it with such a vicious assurance of rebellion that he knew that he would pay for his disobedience. The emerald eyed boy tried to remember why he would refuse such a simple command even though he still could not comprehend why the stoic man wanted him to bathe in the first place. But why, why did he say 'no'? He couldn't understand it.
Suddenly, the tall slim man walked into the room. Harry decided to keep his eyes down, waiting for the blows that he knew would come. He heard the distinct footsteps of the man walking past him, completely ignoring him, and settle near the majestic tub. He heard the raven haired man turn on the facets and heard the water flow. Suddenly, a flash appeared in the emerald eyed boy's mind. His eyes widened slightly as a memory surfaced that had been unconsciously blocked. A memory that caused complete terror to flow through his veins, denial and pain all mingled into a haze of confusion. Of fear.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus immediately stood and hurried over to the boy who had begun clutching his head as if in complete agony. This had been the first spark of emotion the boy had shown since Severus had retrieved him. Severus couldn't help but stare as the boy staggered to remain standing, clutching and clawing at his head as he repeatedly muttered words in a desperate plea.
"No-no-no….please…..no more....won't cry…..won't cry……..no-no-NO!" Harry continued his incoherent mutters as he continued to shake his head as if trying to shake out the memory that had surfaced unexpectedly.
Severus heard Lucius storm into the bathroom. The silver blond stopped dead in his tracked as he looked at Harry, then at Severus. "What did you do now?!"
Severus resisted the urge to throttle his friend for the accusation. "The boy panicked as soon as he heard the water. Now shut up and help me before the boy hurts himself." the slim pale man said in a calculated but forced calm. Lucius immediately went to hold the small boy before he did indeed hurt himself. However, as soon as his hands landed on the boy's shoulders, the emerald eyed boy stilled himself and dashed towards the tub slamming his shoulder hard into the marble as he tripped on one of the decorative rugs. Severus had had enough and stood a few feet from the boy and pulled out his wand.
"Legilimens"
Severus immediately felt himself entering the youth's mind. Harry being unprepared, had no idea what was happening as Severus watched in horror at the memory that continued playing in his mind.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Six year old Harry Potter worked, calmly cleaning what looked to be a muggle bathroom. Suddenly, the door of the room swung open and Vernon Dursley walked in closing the door behind him.
"Boy. Come here." commanded the large man as he sat on the rim of the small tub and turned on the facet which ran ice cold. Harry obediently walked over to the man, he was however unprepared for back handed slap he received which, sent him to the crashing to the floor to be picked up by Vernon's rather large hand closing around his throat.
"Well now boy. It's come to my attention that you would like to take bath. Would you like to be clean boy?" asked Vernon. Harry's mistake was responding truthfully to the man that held his tiny throat in his fist.
"Yes…sir." answered Harry nervously.
"Hmm well by all means get in!" with that Vernon swung Harry into the tub which was by now almost full and held the boy's head under for a few seconds before pulling his head out of the water. Then with almighty speed, the grotesquely obese man pulled out a small dagger and slashed Harry cheeks. Harry could feel the wet sticky liquid ooze out of the cuts and flow down his cheeks mingling with his tears of pain.
"Do you really think you're worth wasting the precious water that I pay for?! You'll always be dirty boy! Since the moment you were born, I own you, I provide you with the shelter you have, I feed you, and I can end your miserable existence! Don't assume you or worth being spent on do you understand!" Vernon then slashed the slim figure's chest with the dagger repeatedly as he dunked Harry back under the water holding him under longer. The water began to turn red with the blood that flowed from the cuts that the large man continued to inflict.
Vernon pulled the boy's head out of the water and noticed the boy gasp for breath as he tried to quite his sobs.
"Don't cry boy! Don't cry!" again Harry went under and again the man pulled him up to slash at his arms and chest.
"Don't cry boy!" again Harry went under held just long enough for him to feel his lungs burn with the need for air as he opened his eyes, all he could see was a crimson red haze. The water was now red with his blood and Harry could only stare at the red, red of sin, red of blood, red of pain – pain that he knew he would feel for eternity because he was undeserving of anything else. Then he felt the obese man pull out of the water and as the emerald eyed boy gasped for the breath of life his he looked at the facet where the water continued to flow. The water flowed red, red, red, his eyes saw only the crimson color of his own blood as Vernon again shouted in a gleeful tone
"Don't cry boy! No one cares for your tears because they are worthless! Don't cry! You want to bathe, then bathe in this enjoy because this is all that is your life! Don't cry!" Vernon's tone was becoming frantic with malicious joy as he dunked Harry under the blood red water again.
Harry couldn't breath, couldn't see anything but the red – the horrid red that flowed in his body and over his skin. His ears heard only the echoed vibration of Vernon continually telling him "Don't cry!" as he closed his eyes feeling the burn of his lungs increase and water begin to enter them – blood water. Then Vernon pulled him out and slashed one cheek again waking Harry from his lapse into death. Vernon held the back of Harry's neck as he gleefully whispered into his ear.
"You see this boy. You see this is what you are. Red is the color of blood boy and blood is pain, and the worthless always deserve what they get right boy. So tell me boy, are you still crying? Are you still sobbing over this triviality, this natural part of your life? Have you learned boy? Or do you wish to bathe in more hmmm? Tell me boy, are you still crying?"
Harry stared at the flowing crimson that flowed around him, that he had inadvertently swallowed as he struggled pathetically latching onto his sorry excuse for an existence. Then it stuck him what the man said all made sense. Why was he crying? If he was so worthless why cry? Why feel? He should take his punishments and be done with it. With that resolution, haunted eyes stared up to see a fat man whose eyes held nothing but malicious intent. Never realizing that someone else was viewing this memory that had unconsciously concealed itself yet left the effects of its existence implanted in the emerald eyed child.
Vernon Dursley chuckled as he heard the cold apathetic "No" leave the boy's mouth.
"Good." With that Vernon Dursley let go of the boy, who remained in the blood water filled tub, stood and left the bathroom one solid command leaving his mouth as he closed the door behind him "clean up this mess boy."
And Severus knew - knew that on this day - Harry Potter lost all sense of emotion, he forgot how to express those characters that defined him as a human being.
What's more Harry Potter forgot how to cry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~*~~*
Severus slumped to the floor in a heap, bringing a hand to his mouth as his body trembled with disgust. This boy……..' he was startled from his silent musings as he recognized the slim figure of Lucius Malfoy shaking him.
"Severus, snap out of it!" shouted the blond man.
Severus blinked a few times before completely focusing on the silver blond in front of him. Then reality hit him hard and the raven haired man turned away from the man in front of him to look at the crumpled figure of Harry Potter lying still on the floor. His eyes cold as steel but haunted as if trapped in the memory that had just been revealed, water still flowing rapidly from the facet.
Severus immediately turned to Lucius his voice coming out in a dry choke as he was still in shock. "Turn off the facet."
"What?" asked Lucius concern evident in his voice yet his face held a mask of cool perfection.
"TURN IT OFF! NOW!" demanded Severus and Lucius obeyed annoyed at the tone his friend had taken with him but excusing it this once.
"What did you see Severus? Harry, he just stopped screaming and has been staring like that ever since you did the spell."
"Lucius, what that man did – I don't think the Dark Lord would be that cruel. And the boy was only six years old Lucius, SIX!"
"Calm down." Lucius commanded as he helped Severus stand.
"Who knew that Harry Potter could floor you, with a thought no less."
"Lucius, shut up." growled Severus as he walked over to Harry and picked up the near weightless boy. Caring him into the adjoining bedroom, Severus laid the stiff boy on the bed gently.
"A cleaning charm." said Lucius suddenly.
"What?"
"Obviously he isn't going to be taking a bath anytime today. A cleaning charm should at least help a little." stated the pale blond logically.
Severus nodded and performed a simple cleaning charm on Harry. The smell that reeked off the boy had calmed considerably to just a mild annoyance and a lot of the caked blood and grime had vanished.
"It is no bath, but it will have to do for now."
"Thank Merlin for that charm. Maybe I could impose for you to use it as well." Lucius snorted lightly.
"Ah yes, do continue with the derogatory remarks, it is after all quite amusing to see you make a jackass of yourself, while Harry slowly goes catatonic."
Lucius shut his mouth with a regulatory snap and looked over at the raven haired boy currently lying in the bed, staring at the ceiling. Lucius approached the boy as Severus hurried out of the room to retrieve some dreamless sleep potion. The silver blond man couldn't understand how anyone could do such a thing to a child. Sure, he had done his regular slaughter of a hundred people, tortured and maimed many more – but never children. He may have served the Dark Lord with all due pleasure but he knew that not even the almighty Lord Voldermort (An: almighty lmao right….. when pigs fly!) would be capable of such brutality, such conditioning. Never mind, that the bloody muggle scum did a better job at it than even he could think of, but to a child, Lucius just couldn't understand it. 'I think my skills are going to be put to use again and do so hope Severus will join me. He knows so many ways of keeping them conscious' thought Lucius as he waiting for Severus to come back.
Lucius was not by any means a good man, but he was not an evil man either. He had never laid a finger on his son and was proud of the boy, even if he did tend to be a bit hyperactive. Never when serving Voldermort did he torture or kill children. He couldn't not when he had one of his own. However, he did what he did because he believed and still does on the ideals that Voldermort presented. 'Of course now that I think of it, the whole killing muggles thing could have been handled differently – ahhhh well, can't dwell on the past' startled out of his musings by Severus, the silver blond moved towards the bed placing a hand on Harry's shoulder, who promptly shifted his gaze, locking eternally pained emerald eyes with silver.
"Yes. Sir." said Harry already having returned to his apathetic state.
Lucius paid no mine to the boy's words as Severus stepped to Harry and sat on the edge of the bed. Looking ever so coldly at the boy as he handed the boy a potion vial "Harry." said boy tore his gaze from Lucius to look at the onyx eyed man before him "It is okay. There will be no punishment. I would like you to drink this, it will help you sleep." Lucius couldn't believe the gentleness in his friend's voice. But then again Severus had always been kind with Draco; it was his features that hid the kinder side of himself. 'Perhaps that mask isn't so indestructible as I thought' thought Lucius as he saw Harry utter yet again those two tiny words, that revealed nothing of how he felt, and drink the vial before immediately lapsing into a for once peaceful sleep.
Severus sighed deeply as he stood, both men leaving the room quietly and trekking back into the study. Severus had still not fully recovered from what he had seen; he couldn't believe that the boy had endured such abuse, to do that to a child was unspeakable. 'Bloody muggles will be getting a visit from me soon….perhaps Lucius would like to join me' mused Severus darkly.
"Well Severus, what did you see?" asked Lucius impatiently.
Severus sighed and began retelling the silver blond everything he had seen. If the situation weren't so serious he would have been amused at the different shades of white that he had turned upon finishing his narration.
"I see; this won't be easy you know. How about we just kill him and put him out of his misery?" suggested Lucius.
"You have the worst sense of humor I have ever known."
"And you have no sense of humor."
"I find sarcasm to be quite amusing."
"Yeah if want to break someone with words to the point of suicide, then oh yeah by all means you're great at that."
"At least I don't have to break their legs to keep my prisoners from kicking me where it hurts."
"Hey, we agreed not to speak of that incident. It happened once!"
"De Nile is not a river in Egypt Lucius."
"………."
"Draco."
"What?" asked Lucius completely puzzled by the change of topic to his son?
"I was thinking that maybe Draco could help with Harry's recuperation."
"And how pray tell?"
"Obviously the boy hasn't had a human contact except for those in that house. Perhaps the presence of a boy his age may help him to open up."
"In other words use Draco to teach the boy how to feel again."
"Exactly."
"I don't know I'll speak to him, we'll see Severus. But first we have to get the boy to bathe."
"Yes, I think I have a way. Well, Lucius it's late. I shall see you tomorrow?"
"Oh yeah sure - why not? After all I'm all for helping the needy and all, its not like I have a life or anything."
"Do you never get sick of your tongue?"
"Ah very well. I'll spare you my ill witted sarcasm. Do you wish me to bring Draco tomorrow?"
"If you could - yes. Thank you."
"Very well. Tomorrow I'll bring Draco at around noon. Agreed?"
"Agreed."
With that Lucius disappeared back to his manor leaving a very troubled Severus to ponder what his next move will be.
*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*
MD: ok I'm going to do what I never thought I would. I'm going to respond to my reviews. Lmao.
Ladyfoxfire: wow I'm honored. Seriously. I've read A Broken Child. I have to say one of my faves even if you haven't updated for awhile but it's ok you make up for it with your author's notes lol. Um but when did you loose me? Anyway, ah I hope I satisfied your curiosity but I must say you really know how to make a girl work for her chapter. I had to spend awhile thinking about this to not make it so predictable. Thanks so much for your review, getting reviewed by you was I mean wow I was like. DAMN I READ HER STORIES AND HERE SHE IS READING MINE WOW!
Cowboyinuyasha: You're my first reviewer I love you! *cheers* I'm also high on crack but that's another story. I'm grateful for your support it really helps my almost non existent moral. LoL. Oh and I'm sorry about the spelling errors. My chapters are being beta read by Black Dragon Lady (you might want to check her stuff it's good really) and I'll be replacing the ones posted soon. I tend to get inpatient and post before they are beta read heheheheh.
LenaLovely12: thank god I've converted you to angst. You don't know what you were missing lol. Nay j/k. Actually thanks for your review. I'm glad that you loved Lucius he's my pride and joy in this as well as my cynical sense of humor which needs to be released some how. I hope you keep reading.
Ningchan: so short yet you said millions. Thank you. It's good that it is disturbing or else I'd be suspecting myself of being normal lol. Thank you for your review.
Purplefirephoenix: thank you!
Sailorlex: I advise not to take any more sugar pills. Nah I'm j/k. But thanks for the enthusiasm it's really encouraging.
Keitorin: That's what I'm saying. You'd think the kid would just keel over and die already huh? Oh and how did you come up with your pen name it's cool me likes.
Water: ah yes where is Draco? I promise he will show up in next chapter. For sure. I just need to come up with the next chapter. *sheepish grin*
Miss Lesley: You know how curiosity killed the cat well I've now left myself in a trauma for writing this. But then again I am evil aren't I? Yup it's good to be bad. Thank you for your review.
Snowgrl: Listen whore don't you go patronizing me! Grrrrrrrr. At least I update unlike your crap which is still collecting dust on a disk somewhere. So my other fic is not progressing as well give me a break it's on hiatus for a reason so there! (so that you know this is my best friend and she's being a pain)
Callas-and-Ivy: thank you. Trust me this fic is gonna go far. I don't know where but it's going somewhere.
MD: again thanks to all you guys this will probably be the only time that I respond to all my reviewers most likely I'll just respond to the most frequent ones because it takes too much time to do this unless you email me. Which is on my profile so *sticks out tongue* no excuses. Anyway I just got a job now so I'll probably take awhile to update but I'll try to have it up by next week okay. Cool.
Draco: finally maybe I'll actually show up now.
Harry: can I go home now.
Severus: what does derogatory mean?
Lucius: hey Sev did you ever find out how to kill yourself with the killing curse?
Severus: yes why?
MD: he was wondering if you'd use it now.
BDL: your muses suck.
MD: I know, can I have yours?
BDL: no.
MD: Bitch.