Demons of the Past

Ch. 7 Finding Yourself

Author's note: I wasn't very happy with this chapter…partly because I didn't want to write what I did…but the end results are much better. I wish I could elaborate, but that would give too much away, I fear. Please just hang in there with me. I hope to make it up to you…

Disclaimer: I do not own the Phantom of the Opera, but I do own the Punjab lasso! (Erik taps me on the shoulder and demands it back with the look in his eyes…yikes!)

P.S.: Son Kat: Once again, I truly enjoy the reviews that you send me. Thank you so much for liking my stories. I hate that you were late for school! (On a side note, I read in your bio about the bad review, and I read it myself. Some people flame an idea, but what you have to do is write for yourself. Don't let one bad review from a meanie get you down. It's not worth that. A bad review is something that every writer dreads. (I know that I do!) Unavoidably, someone will read your work and just not like it. Don't take it personally.) By the way: I like your story 'Forget Me Not'. Thank you to Emily as well; I'm glad that I was able to grant your request without knowing. Maybe I am psychic. LoL Please don't hate me after this chapter. Remember, I am EC forever!

And now, on with the story…

Christine awakened to find the house empty. She had cried herself to sleep on the couch in the parlor room, hoping to wake when her husband came home. He never arrived. Christine stretched a bit, and looked around the room hopefully; maybe her husband was home, and Christine couldn't see him…Christine ran about the house, shouting Erik's name…Christine stopped in her bedroom, sitting on the still made bed. He had not returned, just as she had feared. And what was worse, Christine had the vague sense that something wasn't right within her…something was wrong. She needed Erik; she needed his strong arms about her. But he wasn't there. Christine dressed swiftly. She had to talk to someone who would understand her condition; someone who could tell her what was wrong. There was only one person who came to mind: Madam Giry.

Christine went swiftly to Erik's office. She did not enter this room very often; simply for the reason that it was Erik's personal room. It was a small room; hardly suitable for a bedroom. It was dark and quiet, and had the air of a library; Erik had a vast collection of musty books on all subjects. Christine just sat a moment at his desk, smelling the air around her. It was so masculine…it was so Erik. Christine felt the sadness in her soul. She closed her eyes and prayed: Please God, let Erik accept this child. Let him love it as he loves me…Christine took a piece of paper from one of the drawers of Erik's desk, and wrote a quick note explaining that she had gone to the Opera House to speak with Madam Giry. She urged him to join her there later. Christine walked out of the room, careful to shut the door behind her. She went to her garden, and picked a single red rose. Christine smiled slightly to herself as she tied her note to the rose. She entered Erik's music room, and laid the rose on the small desk where he read his mail. Christine made sure that the note was in plain view. She turned, and walked calmly to the front of the house. Christine put on her cloak, and wondered on her next move. It's not a good idea to ride horseback, she thought, judging rationally that it might hurt her child. I'll hitch the wagon to the mare, and leave Erik his stallion, Christine finally decided, thinking that was the best way to handle the situation.

Christine glanced once more about the house, making sure everything was in place. She finally left the house, the door clicking shut behind her with a sense of finality that she found disturbing…

Erik was alone. Why was he alone? And why did his back hurt so much? Erik opened his eyes to find the sun bright overhead. It must be midday, Erik thought sleepily. Why hasn't Christine dragged me out of bed for breakfast? It was then, in a rush, that the events of the previous day came flooding back to him. Erik's eyes snapped open, and he stared in surprise at his surroundings. He was lying in his spot by the river. He had slept here; all night…Christine must be worried sick! Erik rose quickly from his position and started walking toward the house. As he walked, he tried to think on what he had learned from Christine. It was so hard for Erik to comprehend that he was going to be a father…but hadn't something deep down anticipated this? Hadn't he talked this through with himself, and discovered that it would be wonderful to have a child? But that was before. That was before Erik realized that for Christine to carry his child there would be heavy risks for her own safety. Erik wanted children; he wanted to see Christine's curls on a child with his eyes…but he would not sacrifice Christine. And that was the answer. The only answer. Erik had to keep Christine safe, he had to protect her, guard her…and he couldn't do that if he was the one hurting her in the first place. Ah, but Erik, a voice in his mind whispered, is this not the beginnings of the madness that you found yourself in not so long ago? What can you do now to help Christine? You have done enough…No! Erik shook himself, willing the voices to stop. These evil voices always filled his head with treacherous thoughts…like strangling Piangi…and dropping the chandelier…Erik sank slowly to the ground, clutching his head. There is a way to help Christine, Erik, the voices continued, louder this time. You could rid her of the child…it would be so easy…you know the tonic to do it…NO! Erik rose again from the ground. He could never do that to Christine, never hurt her like that...It would only hurt her for a time, the voices assured him. And she would be safe.

Erik continued to walk. He was not the Phantom. The voices…they belonged to the Phantom. He had to banish it from his mind. Erik was a man, a husband, a soon-to-be father. He could control himself…he was a genius; his intellect knew no bounds. Then why was there madness in his mind? Why was the Phantom still there, inside his mind? All these thoughts luckily left Erik as his home came into view.

Erik rushed into the house, calling for Christine. All that met him was silence…uncomfortable, surrounding, choking silence. She was gone…she had left him! Erik closed his eyes, his body shaky uncontrollably. The voices in his head grew louder and louder, screaming at him, jeering at him…she had abandoned him! Where was she? Ah, but Erik, you know right where she is, the sly voices said, dominating his mind. You know who she would turn to, don't you? Don't you wish now you had listened to me and killed him when you had the chance? NO! It's not true. It's not real…She didn't leave me for him. Are you so sure, Erik? Aren't you tired yet of trying to be normal? Are you ready to regain our power? Power…power to keep Christine with him. She was his!

"She belongs to me!" The Phantom roared, his voice echoing across the house as only his voice could do. The Phantom stared at the unfamiliar room he found himself in. He laughed as he destroyed the room, scattering music and books everywhere. He eyed the small desk, and saw a red rose. The Phantom smiled, and picked the rose up, paying no mind to the note attached. He crushed the rose petals in his hand. He turned and stood in the center of the destroyed music room, throwing his head back in a maniacal laugh. The Phantom reached out and grabbed a picture that was hanging on the wall. He recognized it as a picture that he had drawn. How dare someone display his art! The Phantom started to slam the picture to the ground, when suddenly his eyes registered that the person portrayed in the picture was…CHRISTINE! The Phantom fell to his knees, his hands going to his head. A moment later, Erik stood up, and carefully surveyed the destruction around him. His head…it ached so…how did this happen? But in his heart he knew that he had done this…the Phantom had gained control. Erik was perspiring heavily. He had to control him…he could not let this happen again. He had given that life up for something better. Erik had to find Christine. Because she belongs to us, the Phantom's voice whispered. No. I will find Christine because I love her, not because she is my possession…I never truly realized how twisted I was in my love for her…

Erik left the house, thinking that the one place Christine would go would be the Opera Populaire…perhaps she had left to speak with Meg, or Madam Giry. Erik knew that he had to find her, and find her soon. He needed to apologize, to beg for forgiveness. Erik saddled his horse, and rode fast for the Opera House. But he still had the Phantom's voice in his head…this time laughing in glee…Ah, we go home!

Christine entered the Opera Populaire around midday. She had driven slowly and carefully, afraid that she might hurt her baby by riding fast. Christine walked through the tangle of servants dusting and sweeping, trying to find her way to Madam Giry's room. She was stopped by a voice.

"Christine! Christine, wait!"

Christine turned and saw a flushed faced Raoul running toward her. She smiled at him.

"Where's the fire, Vicomte? I should think that all that has been put out by now…"

Raoul smiled, and laughed quietly. "I just saw you enter, my dear, and I wanted to see how you were. Is everything all right?"

"Of course, Raoul, everything is wonderful. What brings you here today?"

Raoul rolled his eyes, and gestured around him with his hands. "I am inspecting today. Care to join me? It would be less dull…" Raoul looked at her hopefully, but Christine shook her head.

"Another time, my friend. I am actually looking for Madam Giry. Have you seen her?"

Raoul thought for a moment. "Now that you mention it, I think that I saw her headed toward her room, about a half hour ago. She could still be there…or she could be yelling at the ballet brats."

Christine eyed him slightly. "I use to be one of those 'ballet brats', Vicomte. You should remember."

Raoul blushed slightly. "No offense, Christine. Would you like me to escort you?"

Christine smiled to let him know that all was forgiven. "Thank you Raoul, but I think that I can handle this on my own. Have fun with your inspection."

Raoul grimaced at her statement. He leaned forward and hugged Christine tightly. Christine was a bit shocked, and stood rather rigid in his embrace.

"If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask." Raoul broke the embrace. Christine nodded.

"Goodbye, Raoul. I'm sure we will see each other again."

Raoul nodded. "Count on it." Raoul took the left exit, heading toward the stage. Christine started to move to the right when a strong hand grabbed her arm and pulled her into the shadows of some heavy curtains.

"Erik! You're here! I was so worried when you didn't come home last night…" Christine's voice trailed off as she saw the look of anger in her husband's eyes.

"Oh, I can see how worried you were, Madam! You came straight here, to find your precious Vicomte, to comfort your poor heart!" Erik spat out the words, still holding Christine roughly by the arm.

"Erik, that wasn't what happened! He was saying hello…"

"Oh, and I'm suppose to believe that! 'I'm sure we will see each other again' What was that, Christine? So you wish to see him in private? Or in secret?" Erik didn't finish his train of thought. Christine's free hand came forward and slapped him hard across the face.

"How dare you! How dare you insinuate such things against me! You know nothing!" Christine tried to jerk out of her husbands arms, but a dangerous glint had come into Erik's eyes.

"You belong to me…" he whispered, his eyes bright with madness. Christine's eyes widened. This was not Erik's voice…this was the voice of something else…

"You are not my husband! I don't know who you are! Let me go, monster!" Christine shrieked, her voice rising. The look of madness in Erik's eyes died with the word 'monster', and he released his wife. Christine ran from him, tears streaming down her face. Erik stood completely still. What had he done? The anger and pain had taken over when he saw Christine and Raoul embracing. Oh, what had he done! He started to move away from the shadows when he was pushed back into them.

"You bastard! You incomparable bastard! What have you done?" Raoul's face was there before Erik's, red with rage. He had apparently heard the argument between Erik and Christine. Erik just stared at him; unable to register what he was saying…which was a good thing for Raoul. His thoughts were on more important things. Why would Christine come to the Opera House, if not to see Raoul? But wait…how could Christine have known that Raoul would be here? Erik knew from his meeting with Stefan that Raoul would be present in the morning hours, but Christine knew nothing of that; Erik never spoke of it. Erik's eyes focused back on Raoul's face. He was still forcibly holding Erik back.

"She just came to see Madam Giry…she did nothing inappropriate! How dare you make her weep! Are you listening to me, demon?"

A light flared in Erik's mind at the Raoul's voice. He finally understood it all. Christine was frightened; he had left her in the night and not returned. She had been ill yesterday…what if she sought advice on her delicate condition? It would be perfectly logically for Christine to turn to Madam Giry, or foster mother, and not the fool of a Vicomte…which meant…

Erik shoved Raoul out of the way, causing him to fall ungracefully to the floor. Raoul landed hard on his backside, gasping for air as the breath was knocked out of him.

"Don't ever touch me again," Erik said in a low voice. He swept away from him, but Raoul shouted behind him:

"I am waiting! I am waiting in the wings for her to realize that your love is false!"

The cry followed Erik has he searched for Christine.

The only place that Christine would go when she felt scared or anger was the chapel. Erik often went to the roof; it offered him much more solace than the dark, trapped space of the chapel. To each his own, Erik thought wearily, as he entered the cramped space. Sure enough, Christine was kneeling before a rack of candles. Instead of the usual one candle for her father, Christine had two candles lit. Erik didn't bother to announce his presence. Christine knew that he was there.

Erik walked closer, his silence footfalls heavy in his mind. He kneeled beside her, and looked at her. Christine's eyes were still shut in prayer, and Erik did not want to interrupt. Finally, her chocolate eyes opened, and she glanced into Erik's blue-green ones. Erik opened his mouth to speak, but she silenced him with a look.

"Don't. Just don't. I have no desire to hear your apologies…," Christine's voice was cold and shook slightly as she spoke. "I can't take it anymore. I can't handle the insecurities. I can't handle your jealousy. I…can't handle your suspicions. Do you think so little of me, of our marriage, our commitment, that you think that I would throw that away to be with someone else? It hurts me so much to know that you will never trust me completely. You don't even trust yourself! I am a woman, Erik, not a possession to be had. I thought that you realized this. But you don't…the Phantom is still there…"

Erik still kneeled on the floor, frozen in place by the pain and heartbreak in her words. He tried to speak again, but Christine beat him to it.

"All of these things I have tried to work out. I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to tear down your walls, I have tried to show you my light, instead of your darkness…but I can't any longer. I carry our child, Erik…and I cannot change how you feel about it. But know this: I will protect my baby from the evils of the world; even if that means protecting it from you!" Christine screamed as the last of her will dissolved. She collapsed, her hands going before her head in an awkward bow as she cried. Erik wrapped her in his arms; he tried to comfort her; but found that he could not say what she needed to hear. He couldn't change…he didn't know how. Christine calmed herself, and calmly stood up, shaking the lingering effects of Erik's embrace. Erik was crying softly.

"Christine, I love you! Everything I am is made in my love for you!" Erik was pleading; he knew that she was going to leave. Christine turned and looked at him, the expression sad and sorrowful.

"It's not enough. I love you, as I love our child…but you have to find yourself, Erik, and I fear that it is a journey that you alone can take. Before you can be my husband, and a father, you have to be simply Erik. Can you do that? I know in my heart that the answer is yes, and when you find your soul then you will be ready to return to me. But I can't heal your soul…I've tried. Only you can do that and only if you choose to…"

Christine kneeled in front of her weeping husband. She kissed away his tears, and smoothed his hair. "Erik, go. Go, with my love and blessing, and find yourself. I will be here when you return." Christine smiled, and Erik felt her warmth surround him.

Erik stood, composing himself. He looked at Christine. "I will go…but I will always know if you need me…we're connected through our souls…talk to me in your dreams, as you use to do…" Erik embraced his wife. "I don't want to do this," Erik whispered.

"But you must. You must trust me…and yourself."

Erik nodded slowly. He turned to leave the chapel. Christine's voice floated up to him.

"Seek out your mother, Erik. Seek her out."

In a flash, Erik was gone.

Christine didn't know if Erik heard her or not. "I love you…" Christine called into the emptiness of the room. She slowly stood up, and walked out of the room, her heart filled with sadness…and hope. She wandered out of the darkness of the chapel, and went in search of Madam Giry. Christine needed to know if her old room was available…

I feel as if I owe some kind of explanation for Erik's behavior in this chapter. I feel that the trauma and pain that he suffered under would be enough to turn anyone a little mad…I just want to show a bit of the conflict within him; I want to add some depth to his character. It's hard to make the transition from the Phantom of the Opera to Erik: from a ghost to a man. I'm sorry if I confused anyone; I debated a little while after I tuned this chapter in to my beta Lin whether or not I should change it. I don't think that Erik has multiple personality disorder or something to that extreme; it's more about the personas that we use to go through our daily lives. I, as a 19 year old, live the personas of a child, student, teacher, friend, etc.; and I act differently in each role. Erik has had only one persona for so long: a persona that protected and sheltered him. I hope that I have explained myself a bit. Thank you!

P.S. YEEEAAA LIN!