Part
2: An out for Jen
(Takes place during Parental Discreation
Advised)
I am listening to that stupid Rembrant song on the
radio. The one they made a theme song of that stupid show. But
seriously, if it hasn't been your day, or week, or year, or life,
shouldn't you just give up.
Usually, I listen to angry femme
rock, but I am trying to get my mind off the stuff I am researching
in this paper. It is on teen suicide. Our teacher told us that we had
to pick a topic that could be considered a series topic that a lot of
people considered debatable. We have to research all sides of the
issue. I chose this topic because I have been thinking a lot about it
lately. I think Jack is starting to get concerned. Mainly because I
have been up the last couple of nights almost the whole night working
on it. I also think part of it is that he is getting lonely and he
wants to hang out. I can understand why though, the house is pretty
empty without many people in it. Plus, I know that is one of the
reasons he asked me to be his roommate, because he misses his family,
and he doesn't want to be in the house by himself.
I am glad
for the company. And I feel bad thinking about ending my life. He has
been so good inviting me into his house. And things have been a bit
better, and I think sometimes I am actually here hanging out with
him, and he makes me feel like I belong here. This is one of the
reason though he knows I have this big paper, I haven't told him
the topic yet. I keep telling him I am deciding the topic, but
tomorrow it is due.
He is being good though, and studying for some
of his other finals, and letting me work. I don't want to tell him
that I have been thinking of suicide lately, which is one of the
reasons I chose this topic. I wanted to know if it was something that
was normal. But the research that I was looking at sad a high
percentage have considered it. So, I am glad that at least things
like this, I can be normal about.
I don't want him to know I
have been thinking of it. He is trying his best to be a friend, but
also give me the space I need, and not bring up subjects I don't
want to talk about. I feel scarred though, broken, and lost
sometimes. And I wonder what keeps me going.
I had a dream about
my funeral last night. My parents didn't even show up. This is one
of the reasons that I don't want to tell Jack. Suicidal thoughts
are something that I know he can't handle by himself, and he will
feel obligated to try an intervention or something. But the truth is
just because I am having these thoughts, doesn't mean I am going to
act on them. Some people, like my parents, will probably think it is
a cry for attention. That I am trying to once again ruin their
perfect little lives.
I also don't think I have the courage to
kill myself. But it would be nice sometimes if life would give me an
out. Some way where I don't have to do anything myself. I don't
think I belong here. I mean what kind of cruel joke is it this guilt
I fear for all the things that happened recently, especially for the
fact that Abby is dead. It is my fault she died. And all I want is
the world to stop this pain, this hatred I feel for myself, to
resolve me of the guilt, is that too much to ask.