Part 9: Coming into the Light:
Ray 2: Life after Death
Summary:
The aftermath of Neelix's attempted suicide (J/C, P/T, N, H)
Pairing: J/C, P/T, N, HRating: PG-13Type of Story: MushLevel: 2
Part 9: Coming into the Light:
Ray 2: Life after Death
"Captain. By the time you get this message, I will be dead…."
"Computer pause message. Janeway to Sickbay."
"Chakotay here."
Commander is Neelix still there?"
"Yes Captain, the Doctor is giving him a check-up now."
"Just checking, Janeway out."
"Computer when was this message sent?"
"This message was sent at 1200 hours on a one hour time delay."
Kathryn looked at Neelix frozen in mid air on her terminal in her ready room. She had almost lost him today. Again. Clearly he had meant for her to receive this message after he had returned to the Nebula. After he returned to the Nebula? Why was she looking for euphemisms to say the truth? Today Neelix had tried to kill himself. She stared intently at the screen, "What the hell did you think you were doing, Neelix?" She whispered to the screen softly. "What about your duty to this crew? What kind of coward are you?" Her voice steeled and she closed her eyes briefly.
She didn't realize until that point that she had been holding her breath waiting to exhale; waiting for the person on the screen, to give her an answer, an explanation, for what he had tried. She was angry, but she knew that the anger came from hurt. To her, Neelix wanting to kill himself was a slap in the face to the people who loved him. She thought back to the time when she had talked to him after he had been resuscitated. Perhaps she should not have let him continue the Prixin celebrations after what he had been through. But he seemed so eager to get back to work, who could have guessed that something more was going on? Once again, she wished that she had a counselor on board. But their mission in the beginning did not require one. But they needed one now. A counselor would know what to do in this situation. A counselor would know if to listen to this message or not. But she was just a Captain. And the safety of everyone aboard Voyager was her responsibility. She promised herself to protect them, no matter what. Even if the enemy that they were fighting was in fact themselves.
"Computer, continue playback."
"I take full responsibility for what I have done. No one else is to blame. I died in that Nebula and I wish that I had stayed dead. The consequences of life after death are now too much for me to bear." Neelix's voice was a whisper when he said these words. "I know what I have to do, and I return the Nebula where I died." His voice rose again with forced determination
"Captain, I wanted to thank you for making Kes and I a part of your crew on your journey home. For keeping me on board as a valuable member of your crew even when I screwed up. I know you will get home Captain. No matter what, please believe that.
Commander Chakotay, you and the Captain have made a formidable team as you traveled through this quadrant. I have come to envy your wisdom, strength and your courage under fire. I know that inside of you is a deep core of faith that has made who you are today, and that faith in the truths of your people's spiritual beliefs has never been shaken. At least it seems that way to me. Maybe if I were a little more like you, I would be able to deal with this loss better. Thank you for all you have done Commander. At least I got the answers to my questions before going.
Tom. I don't know if you ever got to hear the segment I did on you on "A briefing with Neelix" right before you left the ship in order to flush out Michael Jonas as a spy on Voyager. I have left a copy of that for you. It is as true today as it was then, and even more so. When you go in the kitchen, you will see a pizza in the food stores. Enjoy. I read somewhere about cold pizza and beer being a good combination.
B'Elanna. Being Klingon is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that I managed to help you start accepting that part of yourself. As you know I have been researching Klingon customs and I admire the way they harness their violent natures by their code of honor. A lot of species deny the darkest of emotions, giving their emotions the power to destroy when their repressed emotions are brought to the surface. The Klingons will never have that problem. They are a proud and honorable people and you should be proud too, for having their customs as part of your heritage.
Doctor. I know that I may have been a bother with my enthusiasm whenever we have had to work together, however, I want you to know that I have always been grateful for my company. I am grateful that I had a chance to work with you and thank you for everything that you have done for me.
Seven, I'm glad that I was able to make my peace with you in person. I just want to leave you with one thought. Though it may seem as though humans are imperfect and flawed, they must be doing something right with their imperfection. The Federation has not been assimilated…yet" Neelix gave a small smile.
Ensign Kim. I've seen you go from a green, wet behind the ears crewman to one who can hold his own on the bridge and has saved the ship countless of times. I am glad to have gotten to know you on this ship and I know that you will continue to be one of Captain Janeway's most trusted and experienced officer on this crew.
And finally Mr. Tuvok. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to win your respect. Your strength and wisdom are an inspiration to me and I can only hope that your memory of me will serve to inspire you in some way.
It was an honor to spend my last years on Voyager, with this crew. I want to thank all of you for your kindness, and your companionship.
Goodbye."
When the recording finished playing Chakotay, leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. He neither wanted this part of his duty nor was he trained for it, but he could not abandon any one of the crew in their hour of greatest need. He wished Kes was here. She may have been able to reach Neelix better than he.
Kathryn looked at him from the desk. She had asked him to join her as soon as he was finished in Sickbay. When he came in, she could see the concern etching his face. It matched hers. Sometime during the playback of Neelix's message, her anger had dissipated. There was something in the way he looked, the way he left this message for the entire bridge crew and Seven, that made her realize how haunted the Talaxian was. In the message, he seemed to be giving up his soul right then and there.
Without a word she beckoned him to her consul and began the play back. Chakotay heard the first few lines of it and turned away from the screen. Wearily he went to the couch, sat down and listened. He knew that his face was registering his emotional reaction to what was being said and that Kathryn was studying him intently, but he didn't care. He was just burdened. It just didn't seem right that what he was listening to was the Morale Officer's suicide note. What did it say about them, what did it say about him that Neelix did not feel safe enough to confide in him, that he couldn't say what the visions led him to believe?
"When did you get the message?" He did not open his eyes. Kathryn walked and sat next to him on the other end of the couch. Due to its curved nature, she was facing Chakotay.
"Right before I called you in Sickbay. Where is Neelix now?" Chakotay slowly brought his head up at her question. His expression was un-readable as he answered her.
"Still there. He's confined to Sickbay under the Doctor's watchful eye, although he does not know it. He seemed exhausted and fell asleep while the Doctor and I were talking. I didn't want to post security there so that the Doctor and I have locked up all of the medical equipment and I locked the doors to sickbay. Anyone wishing to enter will have to give clearance unless we are at red alert. I have revoked Neelix's security protocols and I've also placed all critical and transporter systems under lockdown. Anyone giving the wrong clearance and pass word will be reported to Tuvok. Neelix is not going to try this again." There was no way to misread the resolve in his voice and a thought suddenly struck Kathryn.
"Chakotay, did you know that Neelix was having a difficult time after the incident on the Nebula?"
That was always the problem. How much to say, how much not to say. Neelix had asked him for help to understand his experience. He was sure that the Talaxian didn't go to the Captain, and he didn't think that he wanted her to know, but thanks to what he tried to do today she did know and she had every right to be concerned. Neelix had not thought that he was coming back, so he didn't exactly care about confidentiality when he prepared to leave the ship. Should Chakotay keep it now?
"He did talk to me after the first failure of the nanoprobes. He wanted to go on a vision quest and I guided him. I made an appointment to talk to him the day afterwards. A vision quest when seeking an answer is a complicated thing and interpretation of the images takes time. Given what had happened to Neelix before, I wanted to make sure that he understood what those images meant before coming to a conclusion. He was in a lot of doubt about his belief in the after life. He kept that appointment and told me briefly what had happened in his vision. We bounced around a couple of thoughts and we made an appointment for this morning to talk about it some more."
Although Neelix took the first step in the self disclosure, he and Captain Janeway would have to determine how best to deal with the situation and information that Neelix had given them. Beside it had gone too far now. The entire bridge crew knew what had happened. They were closest to Neelix and they were all going to play a part in his recovery. Chakotay suddenly sat up and focused his eyes on Kathryn. They never wavered from him. She was his best friend and confidant as well as his Captain. Months before, both of them had come close to dissolving their friendship by making some terrible mistakes because of not trusting one another and themselves. He never wanted to be in that position again. He knew the Kathryn didn't either. So she sat there quietly letting him go on. She was giving him support for what he had to say and she knew in the end, she would trust him to do what is best.
Right now he didn't feel that she should. "He missed this morning's appointment. I went to talk to him afterwards and he promised to meet me at the end of my duty shift. He didn't seem depressed to me. He said he was fine and he had a lot of work to do. That's why he didn't show up."
"Chakotay, don't take the blame for this, you did your best and I don't think that Neelix was giving anyone any clues as to what was really going on."
"But the question remains," Chakotay got up and went to her consul where the recording had been playing. He started it up again and muted the audio. He studied Neelix's face as he was talking looking for some clue on how to proceed. Kathryn joined him at the desk. "What do we do now? Not only in terms of Neelix, but the other people who know about this; the bridge crew, Ensign Wildman." He turned off the consul and stood with his hands, palms down on Kathryn's desk. She put a hand on his shoulder and he turned to face her.
"I'm on my way to talk to Neelix and the Doctor right now. We'll assemble the bridge crew as soon as I get back. I think that Neelix should speak to Ensign Wildman by yourself. I'll leave this matter in your hands Commander."
"For Neelix's sake I don't think you should."
"You're wrong Commander. You have formed a bond with Neelix over this. You successfully talked him down off the transporter pad. You are the only person who can do this and I trust your discretion in this matter." This time it was one of her compassionate looks that greeted Chakotay when he looked up. He felt her support in it.
"I'll be in Sickbay." And with that he left.
By the time that Captain Janeway got down to Sickbay, Neelix had just woken up. She entered and heard Neelix and the Doctor arguing.
"Doctor, I want to leave Sickbay now and that's just what I am going to do."
"Captain!" Neelix seemed to be in shock when he saw her. Kathryn wondered why. Did he think that she was just going to ignore him after what he had tried to do?
"Would you please excuse us Doctor?" She said softly, and with that the Doctor deactivated himself and Neelix looked downright scared. Kathryn stood two meters away from Neelix. He was pacing and looking like he was going to bolt at any moment. Eventually, he settled on the bio-bed and seemed to be resigned to his fate. He looked down in order to avoid her eyes. Kathryn walked over to the bio-bed and sat next to him. She pretended to be as interested in the medical tray as Neelix was.
"I got your message." Kathryn began softly. Neelix did not answer, nor did he look away from the tray. "I played it for Commander Chakotay. I thought it was necessary for him to hear it. I'm going to delete it from the databanks."
"Thank you Captain." Came the soft reply.
"So far officially, only the bridge crew knows what happened today, and that's the way that we will try to keep it." Neelix began to swing his feet off of the bio-bed. Kathryn continued. "Your security clearance has been revoked from key areas of the ship until the Doctor and Commander Chakotay considers you out of danger. You're completely off the protomatter project and you are restricted to light Mesh Hall duty only for the next week. You are under orders to report to the Doctor and Commander Chakotay anytime they see fit. If you do not respond when they summon, you will be confined to Sickbay, under guard. If there are no other occurrences, I will consider this matter closed."
"I understand completely."
"Mr. Neelix look at me." Neelix finally raised his eyes and looked into the Captain's. "What you did today, hurts me deeply. I understand that the experience unsettled you and I can even understand you having feelings of hopelessness and helplessness about a loss of faith, but what I cannot understand is the way that you chose to act on them, without any consideration for anyone else. We are all in this together Neelix and we count on each other, we need each other. You owe it to us to call for help when you need it the way that we call on you when we need help. What you almost did today is the same as telling us that everything we have gone through together means nothing to you, that we don't mean anything to you."
"Captain, you know that is not true, you all mean the world to me." Neelix exclaimed vehemently. He didn't like the sad look that the Captain was giving him. Her eyes were full and that said as much to Neelix as her speech.
"You know that, that's the irony of it all. Your letter told us how much you love us and consider yourself a part of us, in as much as your actions told us otherwise."
"I wanted to call you all together to talk about what happened today" Kathryn was standing behind her chair looking at each of her officers.
"Is Neelix going to be alright?" Harry asked his concern showing.
"He should be, and he will be working with the Doctor and Commander Chakotay for a while and on light Mess Hall Duty. This means that there will be some extra duty shift rotations in the Mess Hall."
Kathryn waited for a retort from Tom and Harry. There wasn't any. Tom looked as concerned as Harry and surprisingly so did B'Elanna. Tuvok looked like, well Tuvok, but Kathryn knew that underneath it this matter did concern him because of the effect that a suicide would have had on the efficiency of the crew.
"The official reason that will be given to anyone who asks is that Neelix is sick. I don't have to tell you to not to divulge to anyone else what happened today. The gossip conduit will be conducting false information faster than warp 9 on its own, we do not need to add any plasma to it. Neelix is our friend and right now he needs us to support him while he begins to heal. He doesn't need to be pitied or ridiculed."
"What can we do to help?" Tom's expression as he asked the question signaled his readiness to be part of Neelix's healing process. Kathryn looked around at her Bridge Officers and noted their looks of concern for their fellow crewmate who was in pain. She was struck by how much more than a Starfleet crew her team had become. They were indeed a family looking to her to help them protect and care for one of their own.
"The Doctor had told us that the best way to interact with Mr. Neelix after a time like this is to act normally and be supportive. Don't pry intentionally for your own satisfaction, but be there for him and let him bend your ear if he needs to."
Kathryn had been standing next to her chair and as she began speaking and she moved around the room infusing her crew with the knowledge that Neelix was going to be alright. She finally came to rest behind her First Officer. The symbolism of this act was not lost on him.
"Dismissed"