"Neelix, am I smelling what I think I'm smelling?" Tom's mouth was practically watering
"Yep" Neelix was momentary out of sight, but when he became visible he was holding a large silver platter. "Pizza!" he declared triumphantly and set it down on the table in front of Tom, Harry and B'Elanna.
"Hey, this smells great" Harry exclaimed. He too shared in Tom enthusiasm, but then after a moment he asked carefully, "There's no leola root in here right?" Neelix looked aghast, "Would I do that to you?" "Yes" three voices cried out in unison. Neelix gave a little smile. "Weeeellll, I did try, but it tasted so awful, I ended up making another one. I never met a dish that leola didn't agree with until I tried making this open pie. Tom never looked more grateful in his life. "Thank goodness, because the thought of putting leola on a pizza is sacrilege as far as I am concerned." He took a bite. "Heaven" he breathed as if the very act had transported him there. The others dug in. "I'm going to have to take back what I said at Prixin, you do know how to make a pizza." At the reference, Neelix looked a little grave, Tom caught the look and the look of the others at the table and felt the fool. "Neelix, I'm sorry I didn't mean to." Neelix drew himself taller and said. "No, No it's OK. What happened this morning, happened and I would like to apologize for my actions."
"Why Neelix, we should be apologizing to you, we didn't even notice something was wrong."
"With all due respect B'Elanna, I'm not an engine. You didn't notice because I didn't want anyone to notice. The accident has caused a great deal of doubt in me and I'm going to need time to work it out. At the time, I guess I didn't see that and I forgot about the people who needed me. And that's why I'm apologizing." Now the trio at the table looked a bit sad. "But enough of that, as they say Bon Appetite!" "Oh, I almost forgot." Slapping his hands against his apron, Neelix hurried into the kitchen. He came out with a large pitcher filled with larger and three tall glasses. "Synthale" He explained as he put he pitcher on the table in front of them. "Neelix you are a genius. Thanks." Neelix knew he wasn't only thanking him for the pizza.
Harry gestured to the empty chair that was next to him, "Join us" Tom and B'Elanna intoned the invitation and began making space for him to sit. Neelix was uncomfortable but he took some time to look at each of them in their eyes, searching for some condemnation, anger or even pity. All he saw in their gazes was love, warmth and acceptance. He saw apprehension also, but the former emotions were more prevalent than the latter and in time he felt himself relaxing.
"Thanks, I think I will"
"So did you see who Nicholetti brought to Prixin?" Harry began whispering in a confidential manner
"I heard that the break up with Rawlins was a bad one…..they were heard throughout the entire deck that night." Neelix added with relish. This he felt comfortable with. As they gossiped, slowly he began to believe that maybe he could get back to normal after all.
"Good Luck Tom, I know I speak for more of us than you can imagine when I say that you're going to leave and empty space when you go, I hope you find what you are looking for."
Tom sat in his darkened quarters looking at the view screen. He had never heard this installation of "A briefing with Neelix" and his heart has skipped a beat as he realized how much Neelix valued him as a friend when their journey was still young.
It was a bad time when he was leaving it the ship to flush out Michael Jonas as a spy two years ago. It hurt to much to see the looks of disappointment on the crew's face even though he knew that he was following orders for their own good. As a result, he never listened to his farewell message, although he knew that one was made. He never gave it a moment's thought when he got back. Listening to it, even now, brought back painful memories. He remembered what it felt like to want to tell someone so badly and having to remember just in time how important the silence was. He remembered how much it hurt when others just avoided him and stayed away from him as the rumors began anew and once again the incident on Caldek prime was rehashed. That hurt actually gave him the strength to keep him mouth shut and in the end he shied away from everyone when he was relieved of duty.
Was Neelix going through the same thing yesterday as he was then? But why didn't he reach out before the feeling of despair brought to the point of attempting suicide? Why did he take such great pains to hide what was wrong? He had his orders, what did Neelix have? What stopped him from reaching out then and how could make sure that Neelix would reach out if he needed help again?
Be Boop
"Come," He hit pause on the computer screen. B'Elanna entered. When she did she could see the computer consul on his desk. "What's this?" She asked, walking towards the desk
"Neelix sent it to me right before he tried to beam to the Nebula." He told the computer to start playback.
"Tom, I don't know if you ever heard this installment of "A Briefing with Neelix, but I wanted to send it to you. What was said then, is held doubly true now." There was a slight pause when the briefing began.
"Good day Voyager, I want to tell you about a friend of mine….."
"This was recorded before you left last year." B'Elanna said. Tom nodded as he hit the pause button and leaned on the desk facing her. She was about two feet away from her
"You remember," Tom gave a smile. B'Elanna didn't return it, she crossed her arms on her chest "I remember all right. I remember being angry with you for throwing away everything that you had worked so hard to get. Even though I considered a pig sometimes, I felt as if I were losing a friend." Tom moved closer to her and touched her arm. Sighing, B'Elanna did something that she was not accustomed doing. She let go of the anger she felt then and slipped her arm around the small of his back. He led her to the couch and they sat down together. B'Elanna gave him a small hug. It had been an emotional day for them and she was grateful that she could spend her off hours with him. She rested her head in the crook of his arm. Tom felt content being here with her and nuzzled his face on her head. They remained that was for a while each lost in their own thoughts.
"You know with all the research that Neelix has been doing in Klingon culture and the way he has been going on about how much he admired it, I'm surprised that he would begin to think that ending his life would be something honorable to do."
"I don't think he was thinking about Klingons in that entire period of time B'Elanna, and he was certainly not worrying about honor. He was in pain, it was all consuming."
B'Elanna was so stunned to hear what Tom was saying that she broke his embrace and sat apart from him. She was facing him dead on. He wanted to turn his head, to shield his thoughts from her, but he didn't.
"How do you know that, have you ever considered committing suicide?" Coming from B'Elanna it sounded more like an accusation than a question.
Tom clasped his hands in front of him and then shut his eyes, took a deep breath in preparation to speak. But he hesitated. He then opened his eyes and gave her a defiant look and said.
"Many times, briefly during the incident on Caldek Prime it just seemed easier than living with everyone else's disappointment."
"You mean your disappointment in yourself"
"Yeah, that too."
"But you didn't do anything," B'Elanna backed down and that response came out a little softer than the accusation that she had hurled at him a while ago. She took his hand. Tom felt her support and love through that simple gesture.
"No, I didn't. There was something in me that wanted to survive. It was stronger than the hopelessness." With this revelation, Tom felt a little too naked in front of B'Elanna, so he turned the subject away from himself. "I suppose being part Klingon, you never had feelings of helplessness."
"I'm too stubborn to have those kinds of feelings." She said ruefully.
"Well for those of us who are not part Klingon, those feelings do prop up from time to time. We learn to deal with them."
"As someone who wants to have a stake in your future, I hope that you did learn how to deal with them."
"Oh really." Tom said huskily, his lips closing the gap between them.
"Yes." and the met him half way.
"Come." Chakotay barely looked up from the PADD that he was working on in his office.
"Commander." The voice got him. "Neelix," he put down the PADD and stood up . "I hadn't realized that it was already 1400 hours. Come join me." He gestured to the floor on which his medicine bundle was placed. Chakotay sat down and Neelix followed suit facing him, his medicine bundle between them. Chakotay had opened the bundle and put the items out. A period of uncertain silence followed after the two men sat down. "I don't know where to begin," Neelix said uncertainly. "Wherever you want to. You will be guiding me on this journey that the two of us will make together." Chakotay looked at him intently.
Neelix wished that he wasn't there, but what Captain Janeway had said to him affected him deeply. He owed to her, to the crew to try and figure out what was going to be the guiding force in his life, now that his beliefs had been proven wrong.
"Well I better start by telling you what happened in the vision quest again. I saw my sister, the crew telling me that I had died in that Nebula and coming back was a mistake……"Neelix began.
Chakotay interrupted. "What exactly did you see, lets talk a little about the images; the way that your thoughts manifested themselves."
"Well, I started off in the Mess Hall, that's where I was the most at peace, the place where I was most wanted and needed. It was Prixin. People came up to me and complimented me on a lot of things I had done for them."
"The Mess Hall was the place where you felt most at peace?" Chakotay asked with a shocked smile on his face. Neelix looked up at him surprised that he should ask that. "You sound surprised commander?" Chakotay tried to get out of the corner that he had put himself into. "Well, um, it's just that a lot of people tease you a lot there."
"It's all out of love." The matter of fact way that Neelix made this statement made him realize how firmly Neelix believed in that truth. "Well, right, yes….that's what it is. Tell me more." Chakotay continued anxious to get off that subject
"Well," Neelix shifted a bit. "The Captain was talking to Alixia my sister, but she was across the room and when I got to her position, she had left so I went looking for her. I finally found her in the Great Forest and I asked her why she wasn't there, why the Great Forest wasn't there when I died." Neelix swallowed hard and his voice was very soft at the end of his narration. Chakotay waited in silence for him to compose himself and for him to continue with his narration. "She told me that it was all lie and she disappeared, actually she disintegrated to dust right before my eyes and the Great Forest crumbled all around me. I saw myself as I appeared in the holodeck after the accident." Chakotay winced, he should have never allowed him to help him in the holodeck. "I told myself, that I had died in that Nebula and I should not have been brought back; I knew what I had to do. The other bridge crew members and seven came to me and re-enforced the sentiment by telling me that there was no point living and I knew what I had to do. Then I woke up." Neelix looked like telling the story again took all of the effort out of him and at the end fell quiet. Again Chakotay waited. Neelix finally said, "That's all Commander."
"Then let's start with the place where you felt most at peace."
"Neelix."
"Tom. What are you doing in the mess hall so late?"
"I came in to get a snack."
"What will you have?"
"How about those Kadafar chip like things?"
"Actually I was going to whip up a big batch and leave it out for the crew for those late night snackers. It seems to be a hit with the crew."
Neelix turned his back to Tom to get the snacks to put them in the pot. They would take about five minutes to cook.
"Here let me help." Tom joined him in the kitchen and together, they put a triple batch on.
"Something on your mind Tom?"
"Yes. You." Came the reply. Tom turned to face the Talaxian cook.
Neelix got a bit flustered. "Tom, I'm going to be fine. I don't need you worrying about what you said before."
"No that's not it. I received the episode of A briefing with Neelix, the one that you left for me."
"Oh" Neelix stopped short. Tom saw that it took an effort for him to continue.
"I'm sorry, I forgot about all of that message I left for you, I should have remembered to retrieve it."
"I'm glad you forgot. You were right, I never listened to the Briefing. It hurt too much at the time."
"Why?"
"Because everyone was so disappointed with me, with my behavior aboard Voyager. I had let a lot of people down. It reminded me of another time when I did the same thing. Even being on orders, it hurt like hell to do some of the things that I did and watch everyone turn away in disappointment."
"I know what you mean." Tom knew that he did.
"Neelix, thank you for what you said then. What you believed about me then and what you do now. I know what's it's like." Whereas he made an effort to face B'Elanna, he found that he couldn't face Neelix. He concentrated on the floor as his voice grew softer. Neelix looked at him.
"You do, don't you? You know how hard it is to look at yourself in the mirror realizing that you had hurt so many people, people who trusted you, who thought you trusted them"
"Yeah." Came the soft reply. Tom looked up and faced Neelix. Neelix found that he had to force himself to maintain eye contact with the Helmsman.
"But I also know what it is like for one or two people to see beyond your disappointment in yourself and reach out to you by still believing in you, by refusing to give up on you." Tom clasp his hand on Neelix's back. "You did that for me then, please know that I am willing to do that for you now. I don't know what it is like to lose a fundamental belief, but I do know what it is like to feel hopeless and beyond help. I don't want any of my friends to feel that way when I'm around. Promise me Neelix, that you will talk to me whenever you feel that way again."
The truth.
"I don't know if I can promise that Tom, not right now." Tom was hurt and he struggled to contain it. He let his hand fall off Neelix's shoulder and began fussing around with the chips.
It was Neelix's turn to clasp him on the back. "But I do promise to do everything in my power not to let these feelings overwhelm me again. And I want you to know, what you shared with me today, goes a long way in helping me do just that."
"Can you at least promise me that you will let someone know in no uncertain terms what is going on? You're too important to us Neelix, for us to let you go without a fight" With the concern in Tom's eyes, Neelix found it was easier to face him now than it was in the beginning.
He smiled as he said, "That I can promise. You have my word. Come on, help me with this." Neelix did not miss, the way that Tom pretended that something had got from the pot to his eye, in order to wipe the tears that were threatening to fall.
"So you were chasing your sister, why?"
"So she would explain to me why she wasn't there at the Great Forest?"
"What made you think that she knew why she wasn't there?"
"She was dead, she should know why."
"But here is what I don't understand, what was she doing in the Mess Hall. She has never been aboard this ship, why be in the Mess Hall at all?"
"She is part of my family" Neelix said right off his head, then realizing what he said, he turned to face Chakotay on the couch. "As much as the people at Voyager are my family now." He said softly
"But she left the Mess Hall and went into the Great Forest……" Chakotay prompted.
"Just as she left my family when she died and disappeared into the Great Forest."
"And when I followed her, she disintegrated symbolizing that she wasn't there."
"Maybe it was because you weren't there."
"You've told me that before, and I didn't believe it. I was dead. As soon as I died, I should have entered the Great Forest found the Guiding Tree and my family."
"Are you sure that you were dead?"
"Well according to Seven and the Doctor, I was"
"According to Seven when the Doctor said that you dead, 'by your narrow definition perhaps, but not by mine'. According to her a person is not dead until they are beyond resuscitation. For humans its 18 hours after respiratory failure because of our medical science. For the Borg it's 72 hours because of their technology. Perhaps you will enter the Great Forest after you truly die, when you have gone beyond the point of no return to this life." Finally Neelix looked at the Commander with new hope. "I had never thought about it like that Commander."
Chakotay had to admit, that he didn't either until he was intently listening to the visions that Neelix was describing and letting them sink in. But still there was something else that was missing and in their four sessions of being together, Neelix had been willing to ponder the images as much as they death with the cerebral theologies of life after death. He was still shying away from the fact that he was willing to forfeit his life when his beliefs were placed in doubt. But before reaching the point that Neelix reached in trying to commit suicide, a person would normally try to make some sense of what was wrong with the belief and try to reconcile their experience with the theology. But Neelix had abandoned belief and experiences, his life within two days of the visions. Something else was playing a large part in what he had tried to do. Chakotay firmly believed that it was Neelix himself who had determined that Life was irrelevant, he stood alone, he should let go and it was a lie. And the people who told him that in his vision were just manifestation of his……what?
"Sit with that thought for the two days until we meet again." For the first time in two days, Neelix actually left his office looking like he was achieving some measure of peace.