"Come"

Kathryn barely looked up as Neelix entered the Ready Room. When she finally saw who it was, she put down the PADD that hat her complete attention a moment before and motioned him to join her on the couch.

"Join me." He accepted the offer and it did not escape him that the Captain turned her whole body to face him. Neelix thought that what he came in for was a little too trivial to warrant the Captains attention like this, but he didn't say so.

"What can I do for you?"

"It's Ensign Goldwatt's birthday and I wanted your permission to make one of her favorite dishes. It contains an extremely hazardous ingredient that has a restricted replicator pattern…"

"Say no more, when's the celebration?"

"Tomorrow night"

"Send me the pattern ID and I'll release it for you in time."

"Thanks Captain" He made a motion as if he was getting up to leave, but Kathryn rested a gentle hand on his shoulder to make him stay a little while longer.

"Neelix, I haven't seen you in a while, how is it going?"

This time he didn't have to fight too hard not to look down, the support that he saw in her eyes gave him the courage to stay focused on her.

'I'm OK Captain."

"I'm glad. How has everyone been treating you?"

"The Bridge crew has been very supportive Captain. I didn't think that they would be after what I did to them."

"We're here Neelix, whenever you need us" Neelix looked away from her then.

"I'm sorry that this happened Captain, I wish I had been stronger through this. I guess in some ways I will always be a coward."

"Neelix look at me." Slowly he did.

"When you're in a great deal of pain, you don't stop and think about what you're doing and how it affects others. You just want the pain to stop." Neelix's jaw hung open in shock. The Captain, his Captain; the woman whose strength, courage, compassion and selflessness seem to have no end, knew exactly what he was feeling now? From personal experience? Kathryn nodded slightly as if reading his thoughts and continued.

"During that time, don't rely on your strength, rely on the strength of your friends, of your family. They will get you through it, especially when you can't make it through yourself." She gave a small smile at the end of her statement and Neelix saw that her eyes were full. He opened and closed his mouth several times and Kathryn did not waver from his gaze, inviting him to ask her anything that he wanted. Finally Neelix smiled and said,

"Thank you Captain."

Understanding the gift that she gave him, Kathryn replied softly

"Anytime….Dismissed"

"You miss your family a lot don't you?" Chakotay asked gently. Neelix had been trying hard not to cry, but his voice disarmed the Talaxian and his tears began to fall.

"Right after the Cascade, I didn't know how I was going to make it. I missed them so much that not a day went by when I didn't think about them and grieve for them. Then when I began to attempt making a life for myself, I shut off those feelings. It was easier that way. Concentrating on survival took up all of my energy and all of my strength. When I met Kes, the pain lessoned even though I allowed myself to grieve for them again. The promise of a life with Kes and the possibility of a new family to call my own was enough to make me start accepting what had happened to them and to me. And when Kes was gone, I had my friends on Voyager, you became my family."

"But you said that it wasn't enough"

"No Commander it's not. I need to see my family again, to say good bye properly. To tell them all the things that I didn't get time to"

Was that a look of guilt that crossed his face?….Chakotay picked up on a fleeting expression…..of what?

"Neelix, why weren't you with your family during the Cascade?" His mind picked up on it, he had no idea why he was asking that. He had told them about that before. Perhaps he needed to hear it in Neelix's own words.

"I dodged the draft. I told you all that I went to join our forces, but it was not true. I was in Talax running away from doing my duty." Neelix looked down as he continued. "I guess even now, I still am as much of a coward as I was back then.

"I don't believe that Neelix, you've stood by us and fought side by side with us too many times for me to believe that of you." Chakotay replied earnestly. 'Neelix, why did you dodge your draft?"

"I believed that the war was morally wrong Commander, I wanted no part in it"

"Standing up for something you believe in is not cowardice, Neelix." Chakotay hesitated for a bit before he continued. "Do you thing that because there might be no way to be with them now, that your desire to go into oblivion may be a subconscious way of joining your family, or maybe a way of massaging your guilt for not dying with them?"

"I don't know Commander, I'll have to think about that."

"We'll pick it up from there next time."

"B'Elanna!" Neelix exclaimed as he answered the chime. "It was just a simple malfunction in my consul, anyone from Engineering or Operations could have come down to my quarters to look at it. You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to take care of this personally." B'Elanna stepped into his quarters as the door closed behind her. She placed the engineering tool box on the floor and turned to face him.

"Why?' Neelix was perplexed. B'Elanna seemed to be deliberating whether or not to say something. Neelix realizing what this was about, felt his heart fall. He didn't want to face her, but he had made up his mind to do just so and face the consequences of his actions. He had learned how important that was after his experiences in the Necrit Expanse.

"Because I wanted to talk to you about what you tried to do five days ago. I just have one question. Did you appoint anyone my punching bag when you were gone?"

"No." Neelix felt like a failure again.

"Good, because no one else would have been able to fill your shoes. I told you before that no one had ever offered to do that for me before and now that I have you, I don't think that anyone else could do the job. I need you Neelix and I am angry that you wanted to take yourself away from me like that." Neelix turned away at that point. He thought that by this time he could face people when dealing with what he had attempted, but then B'Elanna was the first person who had reacted with anger. Guilt descended on him almost immediately and he almost could not stand it. B'Elanna continued as if he hadn't done anything.

"More than that though I'm hurt that you would want to leave us like this."

"I know. Don't worry B'Elanna, the Captain already gave me this speech in sickbay and I'm still smarting from it."

"Good." B'Elanna seemed to be satisfied with his answer because she continued in a voice that was a lot less harsh than it was before. "Neelix" She walked around him so that he was facing her again.

"I want you to know, that even thought I pretend that I don't care about Klingon traditions most of the time and I try to run away from them, I appreciate all the effort that you have put in to help me accept my other half. I want you to know that though you may not see it, I do take in most of your comments about your understanding and interpretation of Klingon culture, customs and traditions and some times I have grown a little in my understanding of them through your eyes."

She thought about the last Day of Honor that she spent abroad Voyager. "Though I have not accepted my Klingon side whole heartedly and I probably never will, I certainly understand it a lot better than I did before, and that's thanks to you. You were able to in a couple of years what my mother tried all my life to do. Please…." Neelix could see the tears forming and didn't believe what he was seeing. This was B'Elanna; the half Klingon whose temper left better men than he, trembling.

"Don't walk out on me like my father did. I need you just like I needed him." Neelix engulfed her in a bear hug. "I promise." He felt her tears falling on his back. "Tell the Klingon side of you to shut up. Right now these tears say more to me than her anger ever could," He felt the tension go out of her as she smiled through the tears that were silently running down her cheeks.

Neelix remembered the opening scene in his vision and once again he felt that deep level of peace.

That peace was gone in a flash, Neelix alternated between looking like he was ready to bolt and being out of his wits. The panic was on his face, but Chakotay had to keep pressing, he knew that he was close, he felt it at first and now he was seeing it.

"We've talked about how important Voyager and its crew is to you, that's the reason why you chose the mess hall to begin your vision quest. We talked about how Alixia leaving the mess hall parallels you leaving Voyager in death. Then the after life, the Great Forest dissolves and disintegrates around you , and you meet the same people who complimented you and praised you in the mess hall and they are telling you it's hopeless. Why would they turn on you like that?"

"I don't know. Neelix clenched his hands and shut his eyes tight, all he saw was red. Chakotay was standing behind one of his guest chair in his office. Neelix, in that chair tried his best to ignore the Commander's voice. But he found that he couldn't. He got up……

"Do you think any one of us would ever say something like that to you?" Chakotay demanded angrily.

"No." Came the tense reply

"Then who would say something like that to you?" Chakotay lowered his voice, but the intensity from before was present in the soft voice. Neelix shivered slightly. He knew who the commander reminded him of at that time. He had to get out of there. He started to move towards the door.

"Neelix!", "Computer, seal the doors, privacy lock."

Neelix turned towards him, Chakotay could see that him clenching and unclenching his hands, looking like a cornered animal. He knew the rage. He knew that he had to be very careful with Neelix right now, it was evident to him that the Talaxian was extremely fragile.

"Then who said those things to you? Who was it Neelix?"

"I don't know!" He hissed through clenched teeth that could give Captain Janeway a run for her lattinum.

"Yes you do. WHO!" Chakotay yelled at him.

"IT WAS ME OK," Then realizing what he said to be truth, he repeated it. "I SAID those things to myself."

"Why?"

"Because, it's the truth. It's only going to be a matter of time before I lose this family, the way that I lost my original one. And now because of the lie…the lie that is my afterlife, if one you, the Captain, you, Seven, Tom, B'Elanna, Harry even Mr. Tuvok, dies that's it. Finito. The End . I'll never see you again. I can't go on, I don't want to go on knowing that I will have to go through the pain of losing a second family like I lost the first with no hope…." Neelix's voice had trailed into a soft whisper and Chakotay had to strain to hear him. His eyes were haunted, and the pain that he saw in Neelix's eyes almost made him flinch. Neelix steeled himself to continue, "….with no hope of ever seeing you again, of us being together ever again."

Neelix stumbled to the sofa. Chakotay followed him, but gave him a wide berth. He was silent.

Neelix continued without any further prompting. He seemed to be glad that Chakotay had forced him to this point. He laid down the heavy burdens that he had been carrying for months.

"I don't believe that I want to punish myself for not dying with them. Even if I had died with them, I'd still want us to be alive and a family for all eternity. I just want to be with them."

"I miss them."

Chakotay was encouraged by the fact that Neelix's voice much calmer now. He sensed that the dialogue forthcoming would be cathartic.

"My parents, brothers and sisters. I cling to the Great Forest because with the belief in the Great Forest, the effects of the Meteron Cascade lost its power. They were only going to be gone for as long as I was alive and then we would have an eternity to spend together. In the end, Jetrel and the Hokanan's would not have won by stripping me of everything that I am; of taking the most precious thing that I own. In the Great Forest, my family and I, we would be the winners. And if I was still going to meet them in the afterlife, then I still had my family. That hope defined everything that I am, everything that I wanted to be. I wanted to show them what I had done with my life. Now what's the point? Maybe I should be glad there's no Great Forest? What have I really done with my life anyway? I'm barely any good here. Voyager really doesn't need a cook and an Ambassador and it certainly doesn't need a war deserter."

"Why did you come off that Transporter Pad, Neelix?"

"Naomi needed me."

"Was she the only reason?"

"At the time yes."

"Why are you here talking to me?"

"Because you, the Captain and the Doctor ordered it." Neelix was retreating. Chakotay wouldn't let him.

"Computer unseal the doors. I'm declaring you fit for duty. Your security protocols will be reinstated. You don't have to talk to me any more if you don't want to." Chakotay knew that this was the response from being emotionally naked with him a minute ago, he wanted to retreat to safer territory, telling himself he was only revealing his darkest fears because he had been ordered to. Chakotay yanked that safety blanket.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because in order for you to get what you need, you need to be doing this of your own free will." There really was no running away again, no safety net. He had to trust Chakotay now because he wanted to, not because he was ordered to.

"You're not afraid that I will try to commit suicide again?" Neelix asked hopefully

"Will you try again?"

The first duty, and he would obey it even though he was scared.

"No"

"Why not?"

Hesitation. Neelix's eyebrows knitted in concentration. He looked as if he settled on a thought and whatever it was that he remembered it made him sad.

"I don't think I can say that I value my life right now, but I can't hurt the crew like that, not again."

Chakotay smiled, "Why not?"

"Because I'm a part of this crew and I owe them to try and work through this. I'll live for them until I can live for myself"

"Why didn't you think of that before?"

"Don't know." The haunted look came back again.

"So a cook, an ambassador and moral officer who was once a deserter and one who is not needed on this ship is a valued member of the crew so much so that saving his life is important to the rest of the crew, especially its command officers."

"Why Commander, why do you all value me that much?" It was the look of disbelief that got to Chakotay. He leaned over to give his next words the proper gravity

"Starfleet is not just the military arm of the Federation. It embodies and upholds the principles of those planets. The people who serve, reflect those principles the best when they let them change who they are. When they allow the governing principles of the Federation to influence their lives and give them meaning. When they grow change and impact their world positively by living it. We know that it works the best when non-Federation citizens who have been exposed to these principles find them enlightening enough to emulate them as good as any Starfleet officer."

"Me!" Neelix asked incredulously.

"You." Chakotay replied simply.

"There are a lot of humans who right now do not believe in an afterlife, nor do they think it necessary to believe in order to live their lives now. They don't look to family to define who they are, they define themselves by the way they act. And when they are gone, what they have done, points to who they were and that shall never die in the hearts of those who love them. In that way they will always be together, for them that is the afterlife." Neelix pondered this as Chakotay went on.

"I'm not suggesting you give up in believing in an afterlife at all. You may come to that at the end of your journey. Or you may not. But what I am suggesting is that while you are sorting it out, allow who you are today, who you have become to speak in your life now. Let this experience help you to become a better person today and let it teach you to help other who you see are in need just as you are now. Live your life in peace knowing that you have a family now, one who loves you and you are giving them your best so that they may survive and thrive. You'll be surprised when death actually comes you will be the type of person who will make your family proud, whether they are dead, in the afterlife, or alive and on Voyager, or wherever you end up.

Neelix was watching the commander intently when he finished speaking. Chakotay knew it was time to stop for the day.

"Dismissed."

Chakotay entered the mess hall and observed that it was empty. He was glad. He felt drained after his session with Neelix and just wanted to be in that particular room because of what it meant to the Talaxian. He had finished reinstating his security protocols. He was confident now that Neelix was beginning to face up to what had happened to him and how much his insecurities had contributed to the interpretation he had of the vision quest. He was on the mend. Chakotay was sure of it now. Unlike the last time, he knew that Neelix would keep his next appointment on his own.

The Commander dragged a chair to his favorite spot by the view widows. It was sort of a cubby hole at the eastern end of the mess hall. Once his chair was in position, no one could intrude on his privacy as he sealed off the outside room with his back. He didn't need to illuminate the corner as he felt the darkness familiar. He had come there many of times in the dead of night and used it as his own personal thinking spot. He placed the PADD on the table he knew was there and stretched out in the chair, his knees straight out and his arms hanging on the outside of the chair. He closed his eyes and felt himself relaxing.

"Hard day at the office dear?" A bemused voice coming from the darkness spoke to him. Chakotay shot up even though he recognized the voice.

"Captain what are you doing here in the dark?" He asked, "Computer Illumination, lowest setting."

"I couldn't sleep, this is normally the place where I come to when that happens. Somehow being here allows my thoughts to wander constructively. But I see that I'm not the only who claims this spot as their own."

"No you are not." Chakotay relaxed a little. He looked over at Kathryn and saw that she was drinking a cup of hot tea. She gestured by raising her cup. "Neelix left a pot on, would you like some?"

"Thanks" She got up the same time that he did. "Relax Commander," she put a hand on his shoulder when he didn't sit down right away, "That's an order. Let me get it for you. You look like you can't take another step right now." She continued to the mess hall counter and poured him a cup. He took it gratefully when she came back.

"What has you up so late?" She asked settling back in her chair as Chakotay was sipping his tea.

"Neelix's appointment was late tonight."

"How's he doing?"

"I think that we've reached the turning point, so I have reinstated his security protocols."

Kathryn gave one of her most generous smiles. Chakotay basked in the warmth of it and of his tea.

"That's wonderful Commander. I can't tell you how relieved I am. If Neelix were to try to injure himself again, I don't think that we will be able to handle the moral fallout from the crew."

Chakotay nodded and took another sip of his tea. Kathryn could see the fatigue etching his face.

"How are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know that you felt overwhelmed at this task and helping someone sort out his beliefs after they had been cast into great doubt, must not have been easy."

"It wasn't" Chakotay placed his cup on the table. "I'm tired, elated, emotionally exhausted all in one emotion. I should be trying to sleep, but to be honest I didn't want to go to my quarters, not just yet."

"I'm glad you didn't even though it means that my private spot is not so private anymore."

Chakotay looked at her quizzically. Kathryn turned to face him squarely

"I've been thinking about us, several months ago. When you were lost on the Vhori Sphere…..when I almost lost you on the Vhori Sphere. I remember thinking how many times you have been an invaluable help to me with the crew emotionally, myself included. Sometimes, it seems that we go from one adventure to one disaster to the next without acknowledging the small things that others do from day to day that makes this journey home bearable. We applaud the big things and ignore the little things, without which we would not be able to survive. You're at my right hand Chakotay, sometimes you function so efficiently that I forget about what you do, how much I value the way you put your best into everything you do. I remember all the others, Chakotay but sometimes I forget I need to look out for you, not just as your Captain, but as your best friend."

Chakotay didn't say anything, but he took her hand and together their gaze joined out of the window.

Sometime later, Chakotay stood up. He had felt his eyes falling and knew it was time for bed. Kathryn got up also. He knew that she felt the same peace that he did. "I think it's time to turn in. Walk you to your quarters Kathryn?' She nodded silently. Together they left the mess hall.

The end.

Part 9: Coming into the Light:

Ray 3: Making Time