"And he sent images of the children back home….."

"Would you believe that the Klingons lost that competition to the Bolians?"

"They were so relieved to hear that we were still alive, I don't believe that they held out hope for that long that we were not dead"

"I wonder if they were able to get in touch with him, he normally is a day away via sub-space….."

Kathryn stood at the view port letting the conversations of her crew members float past her. She had spoken to several people who had gotten letters and those who hadn't. Overall the mood was jovial and people were celebrating the fact that they were no longer alone. People from the Alpha Quadrant knew that they were alive and well. They were also celebrating also the fact that they had weathered the latest Delta Quadrant storm together. Seven and Tuvok may not be the most popular of crew members, but they were still part of their small family and they were safe. That fact seem to booster the moral of many even those who were sorrowful because they either didn't receive a letter or those who received bad news in theirs. She knew of one other person who got a Dear John letter. Others had friends and family who died one way or another during their four year absence. Kathryn could see the sadness in their eyes when she talked to them, but she didn't feel as worried as she thought she would because she saw something else in their eyes…..hope.

She wondered if anyone else felt as lonely and alone as she felt tonight. She didn't suppose they did, because they were not responsible for others they way that she was as the Captain. She recalled the loneliness of her command four years ago, and how it was lifted with the drive to get home, the focus of getting back home to Mark. Kathryn sagged a bit now as the full weight of her loneliness came to her. She just couldn't be with others right now. Realizing that there was no one else watching, she slipped out of the party and headed back to her quarters.

Chakotay debated. All of the former Marquis members were present at the party. It would be a simple matter to tell them then and there what had happened. But he couldn't do that to them now. None of the others had gotten letters and Chakotay knew that they thought that this was as a result of the fact that most of their families and friends were outlaws themselves in they eyes of Starfleet. They didn't know it was because they most of them were dead.

Somehow he got through the party. He had arrived with the Captain but they had split up to mingle. Kathryn had seemed fine when they left the Ready Room, so he stopped being that concerned about her. Because he felt guilty about not letting some of the former Marquis know what was going on, he spent a lot of time talking to them. He was also doing a little recognizance in trying to gage how well they were really doing as they were out of the loop as far as messages were concerned.

The mood seemed to be one of disappointed elation. Disappointment because they heard no news of how their fight was going even though they expected that no one in Starfleet would tell them that information and elation because Starfleet seemed to have sent no message to the Captain ordering them to spend the rest of the journey home in the Brig.

Chakotay also struck up conversation with the original Starfleet crewmembers. He wanted to find out if anyone had gotten word about what was happening in the Alpha Quadrant. But no one did, or maybe it was possible that no one was telling him about it, but he didn't thing that was it. From what he had been able to piece together, Starfleet gave a very short window of opportunity for collecting the first set of letters; possibly fearing that Voyager may move out of range soon. It seemed that only immediate family were notified and he supposed that Sveta must have found a Marquis sympathizer to get her letter in the cache. So it seemed that there would be no repercussion from this until he decided to say something. Chakotay sighed inwardly, he really didn't know if he had the strength to do just that.

It was at this time that Chakotay realized that at least he had told one person about it. He scanned the crowd for B'Elanna. He hadn't spoken to her yet for the night and he wanted to see how she was doing.

He saw her at the eastern end of the Mess Hall listening to Harry. Harry seemed to be aglow as he related the contents of his letter to both Tom and B'Elanna. But B'Elanna looked the same way as she did earlier when he caught up with her in engineering…absent. Actually, she looked worst. She looked numb. Harry seemed not to notice, he was so excited to be sharing his news, but Tom did. From ten paces away, Chakotay observed the other man's uneasy glances in B'Elanna's direction and from what he could tell, Tom was trying to engage B'Elanna in conversation, but she wasn't biting and Tom looked puzzled.

Chakotay knew what Tom didn't. It would take time for B'Elanna to deal with what had happened. He suddenly felt tired. It had been a long day and he felt as if it was time to turn in. He looked around for Kathryn to tell her good night, but when he looked, he realized that she had actually left.

"Odd" Chakotay thought to himself. They had only been at the party for only an hour. He thought he would have a fight on his hands for wanting to leave so early, but she wasn't even there. Putting down his drink, Chakotay cursed himself for a fool and he headed out of the Mess Hall doors.

Be Boop

"Now what!" Kathryn looked up at the ceiling in her Quarters. She had changed into her pyjamas and was sitting on her couch.

She didn't think that she was that upset when she left the Mess Hall, but as soon as she came to the bedroom to change, she saw the picture of Mark and Molly on her night stand. She had forgotten that she had put it there that morning as a sign of good faith and hope that she was getting home soon and that she and Mark would be able to recapture what they had lost. But now they couldn't. Kathryn tried to ignore the picture as she changed, but she could feel her sadness deepen and her loneliness increase as she continued her nightly ritual.

Finally, when she was ready for sleep she snatched the picture intending to put it in the replicator to recycle it. She strode purposely to the machine and then stopped short three steps away from it. It seemed as thought the picture was burning her hand and she stopped to stare at it, memories coming back at once. Kathryn felt as if the picture was weighing her down.

Kathryn stumbled to her couch and sat there staring at the photograph. The lights in the room were reduced to minimal settings on a timer, but Kathryn still sat there in the dark, barely seeing the image in her hand by the uses of her eyes, but seeing it clearly in her mind. After what seemed to be like an eternity, though it could not have been more than ten minutes, the tears began to fall. She didn't try to stop them, nor did she make a sound as they marched down both of her cheeks.

Be Boop.

Chakotay rang the chime again and waited and again there was no answer.

"Computer locate Captain Janeway?"

Captain Janeway is in her Quarters"

"Is she alone?"

"Affirmative"

Chakotay was worried. Why didn't she at least acknowledge the chime? He tried again.

Be Boop.

"Computer, who is at the door?"

"Commander Chakotay."

"Come in." Kathryn finally answered. It was dark, he may have just wanted to ask her something and then he would be on his way. He may not even notice.

Yeah, right was the retort that came flying back at her from that thought.

Who did she think she was kidding? She may have been trying to kid herself, but she knew that she would not be able to hide anything from Chakotay. For once Kathryn did not care. Whatever he saw, he saw, she would take it from there.

"Yes Commander?" Kathryn's voice was steady.

"Computer, standard illumination." He didn't know what was going on, but he was going to see it with his own eyes. He would not allow her to hide in the darkness anymore. As the lights went on, Kathryn shielded herself with the picture as if she cold hide behind the frame. She cast her eyes downwards and did not meet his gaze.

Chakotay took a long look at her. He had never realized how small she actually was. In an instant, he though that it wasn't her, but an impostor. As he looked closer, he realized that it was indeed her, but something was missing. He figured out what it was. It was her command presence. In his gazing, he didn't miss her swollen eyes before she looked down, nor did he miss the spots of wetness that her tears made on the pajamas. Making a decision, Chakotay crossed the room and sat close to Kathryn, looking at her intently. Neither said anything for a while.

"What's that?" he asked softly, breaking the ice.

Kathryn's head come up slowly and met his eyes. She was a little embarrassed and yet she didn't know why. They had both been in this position before. Perhaps this time, it was the nature of the pain and the fact that the grief that she was dealing with that caused her to feel that way

"Picture of Mark." She showed it to him. He took only one edge as if he could use it to connect to her as she was still holding the photograph.

"I've seen this before, wasn't this in your ready room?" Chakotay was only making conversation trying to get her talking. He knew that particular picture had occupied various positions in her Read Room until their first anniversary in the Delta Quadrant.

"I used to keep it there for inspiration and strength until about three years ago. I had moved in hear after a particular hard day."

"Is that Molly with him?"

"Yes"

"You're lucky to have found someone who shared your love of dogs."

Kathryn smiled through her tears.

"He didn't at first, but then when he fell in love with me….I can remember…" Kathryn ran her fingers lightly over his face in the picture and gave a nervous chuckle as the memory assaulted her. "…..vowing to myself that he would love doges within one year of being with me. I came close. When I left Deep Space Nine, I had got him to take the responsibility for Molly when she was pregnant before I even asked him. I knew he was doing it because he knew that I would expect it, but it was close enough."

Kathryn put the picture down on the table. "I can't believe that I lost him, I can't believe that I lost another one..." Her voice trailed off as the sadness seem to overwhelm her. Chakotay looked at her; the expression on her face earlier was back. She seemed to be beyond tears, but that didn't stop them from marching down her cheeks, she closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch. He didn't say anything as he took her hand and held it and he let her cry in silence drawing the support that she needed from him through that simple touch.

Chakotay awoke with a start. He had fallen asleep still holding Kathryn's hand. Somehow or the other during sleep, they had let go of each other's hands and as he looked over at her, he could see that she was in a deep sleep. He carried her carefully to her bed so as not to wake her. As he was tucking her in, she moved slightly so that she bumped his arm and woke up startled.

"Chakotay?' She said with a confused look on her face as she tried to get up.

"Shh" he told her as he gently urged her back into the bed, "Go to sleep, you're exhausted." He placed the covers under her arms and turned to leave. Kathryn caught his arm as he did so.

"Chakotay, please don't go. I don't want to be alone." She said calmly and seemed almost resigned to what had to happen next. Chakotay froze. He held himself still as her plea penetrated him. Chakotay stared at her and Kathryn didn't flinch, but he saw the hurt and pain in her eyes and the commitment that he made to her three years ago came back to him in a split second. It began and ended there. Chakotay clasped her hand tightly, looked her straight in the eye and told her what he had said earlier.

"You're not alone."

Then very slowly he bent over and kissed her tenderly on the cheek and then released her hand. He left the room swiftly after that. Kathryn was surprised to see him coming back into her bedroom a moment later dragging a chair. He settled it next to her bed and took her hand once more into his, this time fingers entwined. Kathryn gazed at him in wonder.

"I am here Kathryn. Always." Still looking at her in her eyes, he gave the computer the final command for the night.

"Computer, lights."

The lights went off in the bedroom and all that remained were the lights from the passing stars streaking past the view port as Voyager made its way home at warp. It was barely enough to see Chakotay silhouette leaning over her. But she felt him in the connection between with the joined hands and more than that she felt him in her heart.

"Rest Kathryn, let me be the Captain and the Commander tonight." He said gently.

"Good-night Chakotay."

"Good-night Kathryn."

She was asleep within five minutes with a single tear running down her cheek

Chakotay remained awake for a time after, looking at Kathryn sleeping and pondering what had just happened that night. He knew what had been offered and he knew why he had rejected it. He wondered if he would ever get a chance like that again. It seemed that they kept coming to the point and dancing away from it. If they had been weaker people, they would have submitted to the tension a long time ago and that was something both of them could not risk because of the nature of their role and the fact that they were the only Federation ship in the Delta Quadrant. If they made a mistake in a consummated relationship, there would be no safety net and then 150 people's lives may hang in the balance.

Chakotay mused that if they were both honest, they would acknowledge that the main obstacle was each other and the nature of their existing relationship. Both of them were passionate people committed to a cause and that cause committed them to each other. That commitment, obsession and passion brought out the best and the worst in each other. To complicate matters further neither could hide from the other. The Delta Quadrant had revealed all of themselves, even the parts that they swore they wouldn't reveal to themselves far less another. There was a sense of nakedness with each other that was so intense that to bring physical nakedness in the relationship and all that it would signify, would fuse them together. They might get lost in each other and both were to fiercely independent to give up that much control to the other.

Or too proud, he thought

But always in the back of his mind was 'If we get home……when we get home….then what?'

What indeed? And did it really matter if they did consummate their friendship into a relationship ? Would it end up just being the fulfilment of biological need to possess the other completely and to stake a claim on each other for the world to know, or would it bring them closer together emotionally.

'Can we get closer together emotionally than we are?'

Maybe they were just two obsessed people who went off the edge because of their circumstances? How else could they live and thrive in a relationship when the sexual tension went on and off depending on the mood that one or both parties were in? Would he ever get the chance again to do what he turned down just now? As long as they were on the good ship Voyager, he doubted it. When they got back………maybe. Would he always wonder what it would be like to possess her completely? Maybe, but he had a feeling, it would never be as intense as it once was. Perhaps he will fall in love with someone else and all those questions would be mute. Perhaps not. He made a promise to himself that her needs would come first……whatever happens. It began and ended there. Wherever it took them, he would follow because he had faith in her and in himself when he was with her. Perhaps when the time was right, he would yearn for her as completely as he once did before and then at that time, his desires would be fulfilled…..

With these thoughts, Chakotay felt himself dropping to sleep.

When Kathryn got up the next morning and saw Chakotay asleep in her chair the memory of the night before came back to her. She was so relieved that the Commander had mistaken her proposition the night before. She didn't know how he mistook it; in fact it was incredible that he did, because he knew her so well. Unless…..Of course, Kathryn smiled as she realized what had happened. He had deliberately denied her what she wanted and gave her what she needed. She hoped the cost to him was not as great as the cost to her would have been if he had taken her up on his offer. Kathryn sat on the edge of the bed and looked intently at Chakotay sleeping, her heart full

"My best friend" she thought, "Through everything, to Hell and back always at my side" As much as she had lost going on this journey, she had gained so much and Chakotay embodied all of the good. Gently she shook him to wake him.

It was Chakotay's turn to wake up with a start. He looked confused as he stared at Kathryn's face and then he remembered where he was.

"Morning." His smile lit up the room.

"Morning" She smiled back looking at her.

"How are you feeling?" He asked gently

"Much better" and this time he could feel that she meant it. She came closer to him

"Chakotay……." Her arms came up and she gave him a fierce hug. He was surprised initially but then he responded in kind pouring all of his care, all of his concern and all of his love for his best friend in that hug. Kathryn broke the embrace.

"Thank you…..more than you will ever know." He gave his usual small smile and began to leave.

"Breakfast?" Kathryn had started for the bedroom to change and suddenly realized that she was hungry.

Chakotay turned to her "An hour's time in the Mess Hall?"

"It's a date."

The End

Part 9: Coming into the Light:

Ray 4: Plenty of Time