"And now, my dear," said the Phantom, "we are…alone." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"You suck at seducement," snapped Christine. "And put a mask on, for Pete's sake! You're scaring the fan-girls."

The fan-girls whimpered appropriately.

Raoul choose this moment to bang loudly on the door.

"Hey, look!" said the Phantom, "Company! I'll be hospitable and tie him to the door."

"Raoul!" cried Christine in anguish, "You're in danger!"

Raoul stifled a 'duh' and instead settled for a gurgle as the Phantom yanked a rope around his neck.

"I know!" said Christine, "I'll SING!"

"Oh, great idea!" said Raoul, "I'll sing too!"

"Yay!" said the Phantom, "Let's all sing! A bonding experience!"

Five minutes later

"Well," commented Raoul, "I'm still tied to a door."
"And I'm still standing here doing nothing useful," said Christine.

"And I'm still strangling the love interest!" squealed the Phantom with glee.

"Put a mask on, you're scaring us," whimpered the fangirls to the Phantom.

The Phantom yanked irritably at the rope around Raoul's neck. "This is Hell! The face that turned a mother's love away! Argh!"

The fangirls shrieked and ran away.

"Humph," muttered the Phantom, and started toying with the ruffles on his shirt.

Christine took a break from singing about tears of pity versus tears of hatred to talk quietly with Raoul. "Um, Phantom?" she said, stepping gingerly into the water. "The entire opera house is sort of burning, so we thought maybe we should just, you know, head on out ofhere?"

"Hmmmmm," remarked the Phantom, contemplatively yanking on Raoul's noose. Raoul gurgled in a manly fashion.

"Look, freaky dude," said Raoul, "This is a nice, suit, and it's getting wet. If you'd taken the time to read the script you'd know I get the girl anyway, so let's all put this behind us and get out before everything bursts into flames, okay?"

"Fine!" shrieked the Phantom. "Get out! Forget everything you've seen!Don't let them find you!GO, GO FAR AWAY, YOU MISERABLE SOPRANO!"

"Ooookay," said Christine. "That was sudden."

"Who cares?" Raoul realized Christine was far too pretty to actually be useful, and so started untying himself. "Let's just hop in thiscreepy boat that appeared out of nowhere and get out."

"This dress is ruined," sulked Christine, scrambling into the boat.

Meanwhile, the Phantom was busy smashing mirrors. "Wargh!" he shrieked, ramming a candlestick into one.

"Seven years bad luck!" cried Christine from the boat.

"Argh," huffed the Phantom, smashing another mirror.

"Fourteen years bad luck!"

"You're not helping my misery, here!" The Phantom broke another mirror, cackling with satisfaction.

"Twenty-one years! Geez, you're a real sucker for pain."

"YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!" The Phantom proceeded to bash his toy monkey to pieces.

"Hey, that part wasn't in the movie," remarked a random fan-girl.

"None of this was in the movie, it's a parody," replied the Fanfic Author. "In a parody, anything is possible. Including me smooching Raoul!" Obviously, the Author proceeded to smooch Raoul.

"Eek!" screeched Raoul, "Christine! Help! There's a freaky lady in the boat with us!"

It took Christine a few moments for good sense to penetrate her skull, but then she picked up the oar and whacked the Author with it.

"Auuuuuuuuugh," said the Author gravely, slumping over.

Of course, once the Author was dead, there was no one to tell the characters what to do. They just sort of stood around for awhile, devoid of purpose. Finally, the Phantom looked up and said, "Well, now that that's taken care of, who's up for pizza?"

The End