All is unfair in love and war!

Part 1

I flipped through the Pages that were no longer crisp as they once were - now they were worn, she wiped another tear away – one of many which had fallen over the past weeks –going on for two months now. This back log of letters all I have of him…I needed, so many times like now to feel close to him so here I was sat in the bedroom on the windowsill in the darkness looking out into the darkened night sky. The moonlight streaming in highlighting the words on the pages on my lap – letters from him, from the man I love. I have read them so many time's over and over that I now knew them word for word. Letters of love, hope, sorrow, sadness and pity. How much I whished he was back --- back to be the man he said he would, the man he had promised he'd be but he's out there been the man he has to be. Against his will, and beliefs my man is suited up and shipped out to be a man who fights for county. She remembered the beginning…of this hell…the beginning of the end!

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June 22nd 2000

I was sat in the living room surrounded by my three sisters and their men, Prue with Andy her child hood sweetheart the two had proven to the world now at the age of twenty four that child hood romance could last, and grow forming a strength that many couples envied, including all of us Halliwell sisters I know for sure that each would give every dollar and a half to get the kind of love that Andy and Prue had. Piper was sat on the opposite sofa in the arms of Leo, the man who gave her the life that Piper deserved – a happy one, a doctor by nature Leo met Piper at San Francisco Memorial hospital while she was there grieving the death of our grandmother, he was Pipers strength. Paige was sat on the floor, Kyle the guy who she loved and in return loved her sat next to her – his back rested against the chair and her back against his chest his arms wrapped around her, the two of them looked so happy.

As I looked around, and then looked to my watch – my man should be here, should have been over three hours ago. As I listened to the convocations that were going on around me I couldn't help but worry about Ryan, he always rang if he was running late – always. My head was running through a hundred and one things that could have happened to him, all of them bad and most of them worse.

"Everything will be okay…he probably got held up" Prue tried to offer me support, I looked over to her and shrugged, I wanted to believe her but something – somewhere deep down was telling me that something was wrong. I'd been with him for over two years now and in that time if he was ever late or gone when she woke up she'd have been left notes, had a Phone call. Just as I figured if I did not give Prue an answer in the next few seconds she'd think I was certifiably crazy – as I attempted to give an answer the door opened to the manor. I could not help but stand to my feet and rush from the room to the foyer.

As I got to him I stood there, our eyes met, and the eyes I often looked into and saw love, safety, security … they held something else something that scared me to no end. "Ryan are you okay?" I asked, wanting to make sure of it…although I needed no answer I could see he was far from OKAY. He shook his head, he was shaking his head…and avoiding eye contact I knew this was bad…very BAD. I took a step forward, he was terrifying me beyond belief. Fear consumed me. "Ryan…how bad is it?"

"Bad" His voice sounded distant and lost, he moved forward. I wasn't sure if I was yet ready to know what exactly was wrong, "why didn't you call" I asked him.
"I didn't call…because…" He moved further into the manor, "Because I…I don't know how to tell you" He explained. This really wasn't good, never before had he feared telling me something…never had he been unable to face me. I run my hand through my hair, my heart beating ten times its original speed. "Tell me what?" I asked cautiously, I can tell he's upset, I can tell he's drank and this leads to only one conclusion what ever he says there is no possible way I'm going to like it. "Tell me what Ryan, your scaring me."

"When you left this morning…I got the post…I…" He moved forward, and I moved towards him a step he was stood now in front of me. He took my hands, I some how knew what he was going to say – but I didn't want to hear it. "I got my call I'm posted…" I froze, couldn't move I froze. Looking in his direction but straight threw him. Not now… why this now? I didn't know what to say…when to say what. I found myself stepping forward and my head found its way to his chest, his arms wrapped around my shoulders. "Ryan" I choked out, "Ryan you can not do this too me. Please…" I ask him, beg him, "Tell me…anything but…this"

"I'm sorry baby" He said, I could tall he was. "Where?" I ask him. "Classified" He explained, "All I know is it's an active zone" Classified? CLASSIFIED! I didn't need this shit now, "until further notice – I've been assigned long term" I stepped away from him, as tears which stung the back of my eyes started to fall…I turned my back on him My hand pushed again through my hair as I tried to control my emotions. "Phoebe?" I shook my head, "Why now?" it wasn't a question I wanted an answer to…there was no possible answer.

"I don't want this P…I never wanted this you know that" He said, I knew it…he told me, so many nights we have lay next to each other face to face and he told me like I told him this was what he feared. Our worst nightmare was becoming a reality and the worst thing about was that we could do nothing about it. I nodded my head – my heart hurt bad, I wanted to turn around an hit him for hurting me…but it was hurting him to. I wanted to hit him for loving me…But I was loving him to…

"When do you leave?" I asked, eventually managing to spit out the questions that raced through my head. "Ten Days…I ship out in ten from the base of cost. I leave for cost in 3 where I get my briefing" I couldn't believe what he just said, was he been fully serious? "Three days" I asked him turning around, "Is this for real?" I know it is I can see it in his eyes, the tears stream down my face. "Ryan? Please…"
"I know baby…" He says he knows…Knows what that my god damn life feels like it is falling apart. I turn from him and walk through the parlour where they are all sat watching the television.

As I walk in I know they are all looking at me, that they can see the tear tracks that run down the side of my face. I didn't even bother to try and wipe them away because I knew more would come. Leaning across I take the bottle of scotch off the side, "Phoebe" I hear my name – filled with concern, it is the oldest. The person who I considered a mother, sister and friend – I look towards her – "Not now" I say, it was so pathetically weak but I couldn't have cared less. "Are you okay?" this time it was the youngest, my baby sister. I don't even bother to turn around. "Do I look it?" I ask. With this I leave, knowing they are worried I couldn't stand around now.

I walk back into the foyer, and over to him. I take Ryan's hand and pull him towards the stairs, we make it to the top. With each step I feel more sadness if that is possible – although I'm not sure. Because this hurts pretty bad right now. This is pain like no other and I know he feels it also – I can tell. I push the door open to my bedroom and take him over to the bed where we both sit down. The darkness filled the room, I turned to face him and it was the moonlight the lit up his face, I couldn't not be with him. Not have him with me…I love him. SO much…

Without saying a word I unscrewed the lid off the hard liquor – I could tell we both needed it. I took a swig and let it hit me hard – then I passed it to him. He took a swig much as I had. Then he lowered the bottle and looked towards me. "I don't want to leave you Phoebe" He said, "You know that right?" of course I knew it; I knew he wanted this less than I did. But like him I also knew that he couldn't get out of it, and it was killing us both. I'm twenty two – we have been together since we were twenty, I can't remember life without him – I can't imagine what it'll be like when he gets shipped away from me. "I know" I tell him…

The bottle is near empty – both I and he ha just sat in each others arms and now here we were still sat an hour on. His arms around me as I lay against his chest, he'd drank a lot as had I...we had both needed it. "Promise me something?" I broke the silence as he ran his had comfortingly through my hair. "Anything" HE said,
"Promise you'll come back to me?" I know it sounds stupid, I mean I know he holds no real power over that out come – not truly but I want him to say it, to tell me he'll be back. He turned his head so now he was looking into my eyes. "I'll be back…"He said seriously, "I will be back here with you"

I look over to the bed, the moonlight lit up the area he and I had lay that night and he was yet to return back after two months of service, My guy, my soldier was out fighting a war he didn't fully back and didn't want to fight. My soldier was fighting for his county…while I lay here every night fighting the pain of loss or need. I walk over to the bed where we should be together, it's so hard for me to sleep in that bed without him…to hard. I lie awake many nights whishing for him to come back to me, praying that one morning I'll wake to have him lay in his rightful place back to been MY soldier. Getting up I placed the letters back in the top pocket of one of Ryan's dress shirts I wear to bed. I want to feel close to him…this is as close as I can get right now. I sit on the edge of the bed and reach down to the bottom draw where I take a bottle of vodka that is half empty and take a few huge gulps, I don't even bother to put the lid on the bottle I place it on the side knowing that at some point or another I'll need more. I role onto the top of the bed and find myself curled up, tears falling and pain ripping through my heart as I lay there wanting and needing him the words I find my self reading at the end of every letter I receive sound in my head. 'I hope to return soon baby, I hope to return safe…I hope to find myself in the not so distant future in your arms…I hope, every day, to see your smile. Soon…I WILL. I promise…' tears ran down my face as I remember a promise I made to him, one I hoped I could keep.

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Thank you so much for reading guys - so do you think that i should continue? Tell me what you think! and thanks agian