Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Author's note: I am sick of them butchering it all!
The Butchering of the Harry Potter Movies
Well after seeing how Hollywood has been making books into movies basically killing the book and the imagination of children everywhere I have decided to take a harsh look at these movies you see after so much butchering and cutting all we will be left with is a small synopsis in the beginning some character bios and then yes about one hour of the actual story of course Hollywood will make loads of money off of us helpless dorks, nerds, geeks and freaks…so I have decided to save you all the trouble here is what I believe will end being the Fifth Book of Harry Potter after Hollywood has its go at it…
Enjoy!
Music sung to Hedwigs theme: We couldn't afford John Williams so here is our cheap version of what we could have given you if our budget hadn't been cuuuut!
Harry Pooter and the Order of the PhoenixSynopsis: It is Harry's Fifth and for those of you who didn't read the book…too bad you'll be lost through most of the movie…anyway here is what happens to Harry there are a lot of bad thingies all CGI! Voldemort is in here too and Sirius dies…oops we weren't suppose to tell you that oh well…
The CGI sun rose above from the green hills of the smog contaminated Los Angeles.
" Hi Harry It is I the evil soul sucking Dementer form Book number three be afraid of me hissssss!"
"Screw you CGI Thingy I have things to do!" Harry said as he took out a sparkler and waved it at the Dementer, said Dementer runs off.
" Oh no I used magic and now the full force of Wizard law will fall upon me but since I am Harry Potter I don't think anything to worry about right?"
" Me no think so I am Minister of Magic Fudge and I am going to cover this up like Gerald Ford did for JFK!" said Fudge appearing from absolutely nowhere.
" Well that is okay because I am Harry Potter and I have a scar and I know my pal Dumbledore will be here to save my sorry behind!"
" Darn straight I'm going to help you." Dumbledore said as he appeared on the screen star trek style.
" Fo'shizzle!" Harry said and with that Fudge too ran away and would not be seen for the longest time.
" Well Harry it is time that I leave you, but here is your broom now fly to Hogwarts!"
" Thank you Dumbledore who is my mentor and role model and will end up saving my life yet again."
" Goodbye Mr. Potter I'll see you at school!"
And through the power of CGI Harry Flew through the sky and reached Hogwarts which was relocated in Disneyland.
" Hello my redheaded friend Ron whose socioeconomic status is lower than mine and hello Hermione whose hair is big and fuzzy and also is my social class lower, how have all you been!" Harry said as his friends came over to him.
" Hello Harry we love you and we want you to know that no matter what happens we will always be friends!" Hermione said reassuringly.
" Although your comments are sincere my dear friends I have developed a superiority complex which will affect me throughout the entire book." Harry said walking off.
"Hi there Harry Potter I am Cho Chang I will serve as your love interest which will totally be exaggerated for the sake of movie goers." Cho said kissing Harry on the cheek.
" Sorry Ms. Chang but I am too immature to handle a relationship and to be quite frank with you I don't give a crap."
" Oh no I have been rejected now I will hide somewhere and cry hence so that other girls my age can find something to relate to."
" Hurra for you Cho Chang!" cheered the rest of the random student body.
"Now me being Harry Potter will stick my nose into someone's business and then get into a load of trouble, which will inadvertently cause a friend or close relative to be hurt or injured."
" Harry the school is in some deep crap we have new Defense against dark arts teacher Senora Umbrigde!" McGonagall.
" Oh No not that woman who is fat and ugly and in the end is really an evil witch working to bring upon my Destruction is it?" Harry said shaking his head.
" Maybe Harry and maybe not, but don't you going making trouble or you will be in trouble." McGonagall said as she transformed into a cat and ran away.
" Hmm too bad I couldn't hear her advice on the account that I don't care, now I will go and talk to my Godfather!"
Harry goes to fire place where Sirius's face appears actually it is a fake fire and Sirius is just standing behind it.
" Hi Harry I am your Godfather who is on the run from Muggle and Wizard law and what is it that I can do for you now?" Sirius said as he smiles at the camera blinding us with its shininess.
" Godfather I need a favor from you, I have been having these horrible nightmares and I think that I am seeing things vicariously through Voldemort." Harry said accidentally smudging his scar.
" Harry go and talk to Dumbledore not better yet go talk to Mr. Snape he can teach you Occulemancy"
" Occulemancy, what is that."
" I am not allowed to disclose that information now go and talk to Snape."
" Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto."
Harry ran off into the distance trying to find Snape while other madness ensued.
" Hehehehehehe I am evil witch Umbridge and now I will begin my reign of terror by placing unreasonable proclamations," said the fat witch putting sticky notes all over the place.
The Weasley twins pulled one of them out, which states that no one was aloud to play Quidditch ever again.
" Now we will cause havoc and chaos on the evil wench!" Both twins said in unison and all hell broke loose.
" I know something should be bothering me, but I can't think of what it is?" Harry said walking around the Indiana Jones rise aimlessly. Suddenly Ron and Hermione came over.
" Harry Potter, our beloved friend and giant has gone missing!" Ron said worried.
" How can something soo big go missing?" Harry asked.
" Harry let us go and find him now so that we can uncover more of the plot that seems to be absent in this movie."
" No need to do that Hermione there is our big Giant friend who looks injured and will surely reveal something of the plot."
" Hello there children I am your Giant Friend Hagrid and I cannot do anything useful, hello here is my brother Grawp he's a real giant."
" Ewww." Hermione said not wanting to look at the big lump of clay.
" Yes, hideous isn't he, now run off children I wasn't suppose to tell you what was going on but I was secretly trying to make alliances with the Giants…I think I failed oh well bye now!" Hagrid said leading Grawp away.
" Well that was random, and it did nothing to further the plot, I think you should go and find Snape."
" Why?" Harry said.
" Oh Harry just go." Ron said.
And Harry did just that and flew away without a broomstick mind you to see Monsieur Snapples.
" Mr. Potter surprised to see me?" Snape said matrix style.
" Yes Mr. Snape now I need you to teach me Occu…Ocla. Yeah well I am being tortured by nightmares where there is a door I think it belongs to the ministry of department of mystery."
" I would applaud you for your excellent guessing but I hate you for I am Snape the potions master and I have psychological issues, my father never hugged me and I haven't been kissed, it sucks to be me."
" Ditto." Harry said, " Now teach me."
" Fo'shizzle," Snape said to appease the teenage demographic. And he flicked his sparkler and Harry pretended to black out.
" It was just a sparkler you silly boy now stand up and lets do this again." Snape said angrily, "…DRACO that's your cue!"
The door opens and Draco comes in flabbergasted.
" Professor Snape our snotty Quidditch Captain was found in a toilet help me Draco Malfoy along with other rich snobby children to help him out."
" Aye Mr. Draco, now Harry Potter don't go looking into the magic bowl of mercury because that contains all my deep dark secrets."
Snape and Draco left leaving Harry alone with the magic bowl of mercury.
" Well I know its pointless for me to try and resist and a little peek wouldn't hurt." Harry said as he dunked his head into the bow
All Snape's memories unfolded but because of the budget and the overall laziness of the script writers all we were given was a thirty second PowerPoint slide show with baby pictures of Snape.
" That was it?" Harry said sticking his head out disappointed.
" Why you little…" Snape yelled shaking his fist at Harry.
" Ay Caramba!" Harry said as he ran out of there.
" D'oh!" Snape said as Harry made his escape.
Meanwhile….
" Dumbledore you are dangerous!" Umbridge said.
" I am now officially ticked off so I am leaving all of you SHAZZAM!" Dumbledore said as he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
" Mwahahahhahahahahahahahahhaha!" Umbridge cackled maniacally, " Now to find Harry Potter and his little friends!"
" Here we are!" Said the entire group of friends.
" Ahh now to find out what you have all been doing this entire year!" Umbridge said cruelly.
Short Synopsis: As we all know Umbridge can't teach and so the D.A. was created but during shooting of the film the footage of the creation of D. A. was lost but that's okay it would have bored you all to death right?
" OH! So that is what you have all been up to eh? Thirty lashes for all of you go on Mr. Filch." Umbridge said with greed in her beaty little eyes.
" Screw that!" said the Weasley twins as they all flew away into the sunset.
" Hurra for the Weasley twins!" said the random student body.
" Umbridge wait we have the secret weapon that Dumbledore had been creating in the Dark forest also know as toon town now please follow me seeing as that the rest of the audience is now officially lost." Harry said.
And so Harry along with everyone else led Umbridge into the forest where she got the biggest shock of her life.
" EEEK! A GIANT! EEEK! Centaurs!" Umbridge yelled and screamed as they took her away.
" Hurra for everyone!" Said everyone.
" Now I will ride along with only my closest friends to the department of mysteries where Voldemort has my godfather captive. Here are the invisible horses that no one will ever see again!"
And off they all went dragging the confused audience along.After many ours of flight they all finally made it there and got easy access inot the Department of Mysteries!
" Well here we are now Harry, now what are we doing here again?" Neville Longbottom said.
" We are here to retrieve a stone with a prophesy about me NOT you ME and to find my Godfather." Harry said running in circles.
" Not if we can help it!" said a group of death eaters.
" EEK!" Hermione and Ron squeaked.
And thus through the magic of CGI we were provided stunning images of ten adults trying to beat up on about 5 prepubescent teens. Things were flying around and people were getting hurt but then finally people from the order of the phoenix came to help them.
" Hello there I am Remus Lupin I am actually a werewolf!" Lupin said.
" And remember me I am Sirius Black!"
And thus the battle ensued and then tragedy struck. Sirius black in the middle of fighting one of the death eaters tripped on a cord and slowly fell to his demise through a veil.
" NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry said in slow motion.
" Yeeeeeeesssssssssssss!" Sirius said in slow motion as he fell in.
And as they were all trying to make an escape the stone fell and shattered into millions of pieces.
To make things worse Voldemort dropped by had a huge battle with Dumbledore who in the end saved Harry from certain doom.
" Why didn't you tell me about my past about the prophecy." Harry said angrily at Dumbledore.
" Because I am old an senile get over it Harry."
" Sirius my Godfather is dead now!"
" Good Harry acceptance is the first step."
"AHHHHH!"
And so the school year ended with things being worse than they were in the beginning.
As Harry said goodbye to all his friends he met up with his abusive Aunt and Uncle who need to be arrested for child abuse.
" Harry sorry to see you again," said Uncle Vernon.
" Not so fast there Fatso!" Lupin yelled at Veron, " We and a bunch of us unidentified characters have sworn to protect Harry so don't you do anything to him or we'll call social services! Peace!"
" Darn straight minizzle!" Harry said.
" Fo'shizzile!" said Lupin.
End credits role by….
Music sung to Hedwigs theme:
Sorry you had to see that
WB got cheap
Maybe the next one wont be soo bad
It maybe a flash cartoon!
Someday we'll get a real scriptwriter
And a decent director
But for now just live with this or
Just read the boooooook!
Thank you for reading, btw I don't hate the movies but this is me ranting about them cutting out too many things so sorry for any of those who really adore the movies.