Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Phantom of the Opera. I do not own the Lord of the Rings Very Secret Diaries. I do not own you. Therefore nothing is my fault and you cannot blame me for anything. So there.

The Very Secret Diary of Christine Daae

Day 1: Was trying to sleep last night when strange voice addressed me. Voice claims it is the angel of music. Guess Dad wasn't lying after all. Always had thought that 'angel of music' thing had more to do with too much liquor. Was so confused at this that I let the voice babble on for a while when I tried to figure out if Mme. Giry had the chance to slip anything into my drink. Wouldn't be surprised if she had. Funny old woman, though has great "Opera Ghost" moneymaking scheme. Can't believe that manager actually pays salary of imaginary spirit, v. amusing. Saddens me to realize that I am lying in bed at 2 in the morning listening to strange voices. Maybe need to get laid.

Day 2: Angel of music is teaching me how to sing pretty! Hitting high notes at 3 am not appreciated by dorm mates. Was forced to do several rather unmentionable things as revenge. Will get them all back someday.

Day 3: Rehearsal rudely interrupted. Feel resentful as I had been enjoying our new bondage-influenced ballet routine.

Opera is apparently being sold to 2 v. effeminate businessmen. Flamingly gay. Pitiful attempt to act straight backfired when Firmin commented that Meg was hot to Mme. Giry. Stupid blonde bitch. I am so much hotter than Meg.

Vicomte de Chagny is new opera patron. Looks vaguely familiar. Seem to recall annoying little boy who had same name. Perhaps same person?

Carlotta threw v. impressive hissy fit when piece of scenery fell on her. Stormed out.

Mme. Giry talked new managers into giving me her role. Wonder what Mme. Giry is up to. But do not really care as I get to be a star tonight! Go me!

Later That Night: Everyone loves me. Even Meg said I was perfect. In moment of giddy superiority, told Meg about angel of music. Suspect she thinks I'm crazy. Do not care, as I will almost certainly get laid tonight. Go me!

Was ambushed by Raoul de Changy in dressing room. Raoul seems to think we were childhood sweethearts. Funny, seem to remember throwing mud at him. In any case, annoying rugrat has grown up into v. dashing young man, so do not intend to argue. Played coy when he asked me out for dinner, claiming the angel of music wouldn't let me go. He called me Little Lotte on the way out. Perhaps he's mistaking me for someone else?

Angel of music got v. sulky at me for talking to him. Invited me to underground lair. Am uncertain about where this relationship is headed.

Even Later That Night: Angel of music now claims to be opera ghost. Slight identity problem going on there. What is with the mask, also? Allowed him to row me across an underground lake and seduce me. Multiple orgasms. Go me!

Day 4: Woke up in strange bed in underground lair. Not all that clear on what happened last night. Wanted to distract phantom/angel from playing boring piano. Snatched off mask to reveal v. horrible deformity. Tried to explain that I do not mind, as he is quite well formed in the places that count, which seemed to embarrass him further. Accused me of using him. Was sent back to dorm without even a kiss goodbye. Realized, at last minute, that I'd left my underwear there.

Day 5: Will be forced to play the pageboy in tonight's opera. Not looking forward to having to kiss Carlotta. Have been thinking about the other night and as it may have been a one time thing, have decided to still go after Raoul. Figure that this will pay off once we reach the jewelry-buying stage of the relationship.

Later That Night: Buquet, the stagehand, committed dramatic suicide by hanging self in middle of performance. Scared ballet rats shitless.

On a lighter note, have ensnared Vicomte by playing the damsel in distress. Begged him to rescue me from horrible monster. Did not mention the multiple orgasms, as did not wish to make him feel inferior. Accepted marriage proposal, despite the bit about the horses. Will worry about that particular fetish later, as I am busy admiring diamond ring.

Day 6: Firmin and Andre threw huge masquerade, v. stylish. Lots of singing. Perhaps masks bit was a bad idea, as phantom of the opera showed up with some Don Juan opera he wanted us to perform. Sounds like thinly disguised sex show. He wanted me to play the lead; apparently the other night was not just a one night thing after all. Shoved engagement ring down my bodice so as not to provoke male dominance struggle between him and Raoul. This backfired, as the first place he looked was my cleavage, and spotted the ring. Tried to explain that it wasn't him, it was me, but was cut off. Phantom got v. jealous and disappeared in puff of smoke.

Day 7: Raoul wants me to perform in this Don Juan thing. Told him no way. Would rather avoid complicated situation between ex-lover and fiancee, esp. since phantom still has my underwear and could choose to return it to me at an awkward moment. Tried to fall back on the damsel in distress thing. Raoul became even more melodramatic than I was being. Men. Fine, I'll do the damn show if it will shut him up.

If not for diamond ring, would so go back to the phantom right now.

Later that night: Went to Daddy's grave hoping to snort a few lines in peace, but was followed by Raoul de Chagny, who was sleeping beside my door in some puppylike attempt to guard me. Started singing at grave in soppy mournful fashion, hoping he would get bored and wander off. Grave started singing back. Someone must be slipping something in my drinks at dinner. Am not used to inanimate objects talking back. Let Raoul take me back to the Opera House. This pale, exhausted look is not working on me. Need some serious sleep.

Day 8: Don Juan was a disaster. Told him it would be. Phantom killed male lead and stepped onstage in his place, assuming of course that no one would notice that Piangi had apparently lost 50 pounds and covered half his face with a white mask. Bloody idiot. Continued my solo, the show must go on and all that. After v. steamy duet, phantom proposed marriage to me right on stage. So romantic! Unfortunately still have prior engagement, literally. Stammered and looked away. Phantom finally grabbed me, dropped a chandelier on audience, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Took me to underground lair. Was somewhat miffed about murder and chandelier thing, though the chandelier was admittedly much prettier than Piangi. Confronted phantom about it. Phantom took it as an indirect insult on his looks, and went into rather pathetic rant about mother never loving him, world conspired against him, CIA following him around, etc. Perhaps mental problems more serious than I first thought.

Tried to tell him that his face wasn't the problem, but that sent him over the edge. He insisted that I would marry him nevertheless. Was kinda turned on by this take-charge attitude, but before anything interesting could happen, Raoul burst in to rescue me.

Phantom went totally psycho. Insisted that he would kill Raoul if I didn't marry him. Poor Raoul v. scared. Felt it my duty to rescue him by making out with the phantom. Yummy. He eventually came to his senses and let me and Raoul go free. Slipped me his number on the way out though. Sneaky bastard.

Raoul sang soppy love songs at me all the way home. Was touched by gesture, though he just does not have the sex appeal phantom does. Basked in the warm glow of knowing that me and his credit card will live happily ever after.

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