The Very Secret Diary of Raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny
Day 1: Have run out of embroidery thread. Life suddenly so boring. Need new hobby.
Day 2: Wandered into town. Attempted to shop for more embroidery thread. Shopkeepers seemed v. happy to get credit card and went on about how generous I was to become their patron. Later found out that had accidentally gone into opera house instead of fabric store. Will play along with this to avoid embarrassment.
Day 3: Was dragged into rehearsal to meet new managers. Former manager seemed a little too keen to sell opera house. Perhaps pipes don't work, or ceiling leaks in wet season? In any case, chorus girls v. slutty. Bondage-inspired ballet routines and belly-baring tops quite scandalous for 19th century French theater. Heard that they are hiring new performers. Am seeing serious potential for new hobby here.
Later That Night: Was bored so attended opera performance. To my surprise, recognized lead soprano as same girl I used to follow around all the time when I was younger. Could not for the life of me remember her name. In program, saw two names listed under her part, Carlotta and Christine. Later, managed to get into dressing room to talk to her. Discovered girl does not have as great hair as me, though still v. pretty. Kept getting distracted from her by own reflection in mirror. Am too pretty for own good.
Managed to overcome distraction and ask her out, but did not understand answer. Decided it must have been yes, and told her to meet me in five minutes. Still did not figure out her name. She seems to answer to both Christine and Lotte. Wonder which one she is. Odd girl. Never showed up.
Probably had to wash her hair like all the other girls I ask out. Suspect they feel intimidated by my perfect hair. Feel sorry for them.
Day 4: Received mysterious note telling me to stay away from Christine Daae. So her name is Christine! Wonder who sent it. Might suspect Christine herself of writing it, but I's weren't dotted with little hearts. Girls dot their I's with hearts, don't they? Don't they?
Have decided that Christine would never do such a thing. Yeah. Anyway, note also said that she was with the Angel of Music. Huh? With the Angel of… that doesn't mean she's dead, does it? Does it? Must get someone to help me out here.
Later that Day: Showed note to Opera managers, who were no help at all. Was accused of sending letters to Carlotta, who is apparently some loud and hysterical woman who stormed in with another note. Carlotta is scary. Would be certain that she is really a man under all those frilly dresses and makeup, if not for the god-awful high notes she can hit. Suspect sex change operation in her distant past. Ick.
Everyone in the opera house seems to think that I wrote the notes and that I am sleeping with Christine. Just because I went into her dressing room for five minutes? What sick minds these people have. And it's plainly obvious that I did not write those letters, because the I's weren't dotted with little hearts.
Not that I do that. Of course not.
Day 5: Went to Il Muto thing. Christine was dressed as a girl disguised as a boy disguised as a girl or something like that. V. confusing. Pretty music. Carlotta played singing lady who turns into frog. Weird, weird play. Especially the part where they were dancing and then the dead guy was dangled from the ceiling.
Christine dragged me up to rooftop and started trying to tell me about some mutant who keeps hitting on her. She doesn't seem happy about it. Apparently mutant can't do anything cool like shoot lasers from his eyes or turn his bones to elastic. Too bad.
Asked why she was hanging all over me as if she wanted to marry me or something and she goes "yes, I will." Think she misheard. Actually, marrying her wouldn't be so bad. She's fun when she isn't whining about mutant stalkers.
Day 6: Went to a party! Yay! Managed to get hold of some embroidery thread in time to stylishly enhance the dress Christine was going to wear tonight. Suspect someone got there before me because the whole top part of the bodice was cut up. They didn't even hem. It was horrible. The deconstructed, fraying look is SO last season. Hemmed it for them, managed to make it look like off-the-shoulders evening gown rather than blatant attempt to see bosom.
Did not try dress on. Did not! … Okay, maybe a little.
Gave Christine ring found at bottom of cereal box. She seems really enthusiastic about this engagement thing. Have decided to keep this relationship going. Need an excuse to show up at the opera house and sing random duets with Christine—feel sure that somebody will eventually recognize my star potential.
Speaking of potential, Christine's mutant stalker crashed party. Strangely alluring man. Deep resonant singing voice and commanding presence so overwhelming that I crept into the shadows and just watched him tease the party guests with his long, sharp sword.
That was not a Freudian slip. Was not! … Okay, maybe a little.
Christine v. ungrateful to him if, as he claims, he was the one who made her a star in the first place. And she was wrong about the mutant powers. Disappearing in a cloud of smoke SUCH an awesome trick. Feel humbled, or something.
Wonder if he'd make me a star?
Day 7: Christine refusing to perform in mutant stalker's opera. Suspect it has something to do with the costumes for it, as overheard her muttering something about underwear. Persuaded her to be in play by making sad puppy eyes at her. Not a very manly strategy, but it works every time.
She thinks ring I gave her is diamond. So amusing. But suspect I will be in trouble if I tell her that it is in fact plastic. Though you'd think the fact that I pulled it out of a cereal box rather than a jewelry box would have clued her in.
Have come up with clever plan to capture mutant stalker. Will trap him in his own theater, by locking the doors! It's amazing that no one has thought of this before. What ever would they do without me?
Explained this plan to managers. Was told that they can't keep doors locked because guests need some way to leave the theater once the opera is over. Told them guests can use windows. They said so could the phantom. Cannot believe they still think the opera is haunted when it is obvious that a musically obsessed mutant genius with magical powers is playing these tricks. Stupid managers.
Day 8: Christine has been kidnapped and for some reason Madame Giry has grabbed me and started drawing pictures on my hand. These people are crazy. Wish I'd never come here.
Later that night: Was very heroic. Am proud of self. Tracked down phantom by aimlessly wandering through theater. Stumbled into his evil torture room. The only remnants of his last victim were three socks and a pair of pants. Watery spinning torture almost proved fatal until trapdoor above me opened and I was able to escape.
Followed convenient though sloppily made red arrows to Phantom's lair and demanded that he release Christine in ringing voice of manliness. Got tied to metal grating somehow. Suspect that mutant guy was about to ravish me. Christine saved my life by throwing herself at him and trying to suck the breath out of his lungs, or bite his lips off, or perform minor dental surgery, or something like that. Mutant eventually succumbed to her deadly attack method and agreed to let us go. Didn't want to leave. Never got chance to ask him if he'd train me to be a star too. Tried to convey this by singing loudly as we left. Later, found mysterious phone number written in red ink in my pocket.
It is a sign. My wish has been granted. I, Raoul de Changy, will be the next American Idol! Only we're in France, aren't we. But with my musically-obsessed mutant genius with magical powers by my side, no mere ocean can stand between me and stardom!