Wa ha! A gift for the new year - Angst!
Don't you miss the days when I would sometimes update more than once a week/month? I suppose the slowing down is something that happens when people suffer that which is called 'life' and 'experience.' I'd rather not suffer it, but it keeps coming. Like a bad friend that always calls you at 4 AM to babble about the latest film, life is always there.
I think it ought to be known that I'm no good with sequences soemtimes. Entry 160 should actually be 121. The only reason I made it 160 was because I have been trying to portray passage of time. However, Folken's statement that it took forever to get his journal back would indicate that Entry 160 is the first one he made after he got it back. (After all, why would he bring it up about 40 entries later)
I apologize for that and ask forgiveness. My mental capacity for simple math is not what it ought to be.
Entry 300
Settling in to new places is always interesting. I feel...not quite at home here, but the closest I suppose I'll be getting to that.
I do love working for Lord Korrade, though I must say I fear for what type of work I shall be working on upon the completion of my training. I ask but receive no answers in reply. Lord Korrade tells me to be patient and that I will find out in time. I realize this. I realize that patience is a virtue which one should always strive to maintain. I do strive to maintain it.
As for my training, it goes well. I suppose so, anyway. It is hardly anything I haven't done before. Plenty of work with biology, making medicines for the people of Zaibach. I feel this work should not prove difficult, and therein may lie a problem. I feel that soon after ending this training, there may not be enough variety in my work to keep me interested. Though I am deeply indebted to the Emperor and to Zaibach for allowing me to stay and help, I should still hope that I will not continue to suffer such boredom. It has always been one thing I have not done well with. I used to say that I might lose my mind were I left with nothing to use it for.
I must be off now. Lord Korrade is furious that Astantio has let his plants fall to such ruin lately. Such a nuisance Astantio is. He never finishes anything, never keeps his work in order, and never takes the blame for any trouble he causes if he can help it. Lord Korrade seems to see through this, thankfully. I can only hope that Lord Korrade is biding his time before striking the rebellious youth down hard on the head. I should hope to be there when that happens.
Entry 315
I suppose that even if I lose interest in this job, I shall never find any end of mystery in Lord Korrade. I have found myself with many a spare moment to bother him with this or that. He is quite kind in taking the time to discuss theorum and formulas indepth with me. More than once he has informed he that he is impressed with my abilities. However, he does have issues with my 'lack of motivation.' More on our disagreements will follow when I feel annoyed enough to mind his opinion in this regard.
Lord Korrade asks me repeatedly of my past. Most leaders do ask. I would think that with all the records kept on me, no one would have any need to ask anything. Whether they should like to know what side of the bed I get up on in the morning or what my favorite color is The actual question asked was, "What color are you most drawn to?" I assume this was for some sort of psychological assessment., it would all be written down and easily accessible. If not, I must wonder what all the record keeping is for. We are the highest power, and so should we not find ourselves able to look up simple facts?
At any rate, I did not care to speak about it with him. I have found that if I keep quiet and do not mention much of anything, no one bothers to insult or degrade me for it, nor do they do their best to get me executed or put away. Silence is of the most wonderful forms of protection in this nation, I have found. I would dearly love to believe that if I were disclose my past, my feelings and the things that I believe in, that Lord Korrade would be understanding or, at the very least, leave me to my own. However, I doubt that will happen and I should rather like to keep the respect I have for him. Therefore, in order to keep from having my potential illusions shattered, I will not tell him anything.
And thus, I fear, your pages will be filled quite often through the years, as I have no one else I may speak with about much of anything.
Entry 380
I know that this is the fourth time I have written in here today, however I have reason for this. Just a moment ago, I had my fourth inquiry for the day, followed by a warning. I suppose it isn't unexpected. After all, a natural curiosity is expected, demanded in this field. However, I find Lord Korrade's constant demands that I tell him about myself aggravating. I have grown tired of his inquiries and have just now told him that the information can be found in my records. To my surprise, he informed me that he had already looked through my records. Furthermore, I have been banned from continuing my training until I am willing to speak with Lord Korrade further about this.
I suppose I will speak with him later after all. I have worked hard to get where I am now. If he already knows my past, I don't see why he wishes for me to reiterate the information, but at least then he will not see me differently.
I shall never understand why jobs that are easy enough are cluttered and defiled by personnel who wish to make them difficult for whatever reason. I do the work that he asks of me. The only thing I have refused is to speak with him about personal matters. This, as I understand it, is not necessary when speaking to an upstanding superior. I suppose that nothing I have ever learned here is absolute. So I suppose I should quit counting on anything anyone has ever told me, save for Emperor Dornkirk. Perhaps trust is not considered natural to these people. I can imagine, what with how difficult their lives seem to be.
I feel I should definitely speak with him later. Hopefully I will have less stressful notes than I have had for the past few entries.
Entry 426
How can this keep happening? Peace for a solid week, and then...and then it all goes back to the way it was! I can't win! No matter what I do, SOMETHING happens and then everything is a miserable mess. And I have to clean up after it. And that damned Astantio, my supposed partner, not only does not help me but also does all he can to cause more problems. Broken glass is his specialty this week. And by the way, the broken glass also leads to various concoctions being spilled upon the floors and counters, which can sometimes lead to replacement of tiles and counter tops, as well as replacing various equipment. He is not trustworthy enough to fix it himself and, joy of joys, I am such a good repairman.
I have asked repeatedly that Lord Korrade, at the very least, allow me to tutor Astantio. As he is my partner and his mistakes are my responsibility, I feel his education should also be in my hands. Lord Korrade will hear none of it. He felt it an exceptionally arrogant suggestion on my part to think that I had mastered my training enough to teach it. Never mind that others come to me when studying or doing their labwork to ask questions because they do not wish to be embarassed in front of their superiors, or the fact that I never have to ask a single question of anyone else. Let us also forget the fact that I am well over half finished with our training work, far ahead of schedule. This is completely irrelevant to everything and nothing I do matters towards anything. Though I ask for no accolades, only a bit of rest from these foolish games, I am apparently not worthy enough to have it. No, I am arrogant for asking.
And while we are on the subject of Lord Korrade, might I make mention of how difficult he is to appease? I have told him every detail of my past That lovely meeting lasted five hours, three of which were on my ever-dwindling personal time., and yet there is still more he wants from me that he does not make clear. I asked him just before I came here what more he wants from me that I am not already giving him. This was seen as a sign of rebellion. I don't see how it could be taken that way. Even he admits that my words are always marked in respectful tones and with well-chosen words. Rebellious? I hardly think so!
I shall be speaking to him later. Of what, I do not yet know. I will stay here to clear my mind and think of how best to bring up my argument Though at this point, I hardly know what argument I shall choose. We've had so many that we are running out of ideas.
Entry 427
Rebellious, disrespectful, presumptuous, moody, conniving, contemptuous....so many words my Lord Korrade has in his vocabulary. I didn't know he thought so much of me.
I suppose I am slipping into petty insults, something I avoid at all costs. However, I feel driven to this.
"If you don't start acting in a consistent manner, I can't use you. Even if you are so intelligent and well-suited to the position."
I can be consistent, but no one will let me! They set these damned expectations and rules and then proceed to tell me it is illegal to either follow or not follow them. I can only choose one or the other, and it seems the choice makes no difference; in essence, there is no choice: I must draw the ire of every damned official in this place. How can the Emperor's people be so?
I've quite a few things to say to Lord Korrade. However, everytime the opportunity for me to speak arises, I am ordered to my quarters. I suppose he is afraid to have anyone stand up to him. I can't imagine why, as he holds power of life and death over those like me.
Or perhaps he wants to make it clear to me that my opinion does not matter? I can hardly believe that is true.
I shall speak with him once more about this. I have been staying away from the Emperor for quite some time, but perhaps it is time I spoke with him again. If I gain no advantage from speaking with Lord Korrade, I shall see Emperor Dornkirk as soon as possible.
Entry 428
See me about this, Folken.
-Korrade Tsokia
Entry 429
Apparently, I am to be afforded no privacy whatsoever. And apparently, Lord Korrade intends on using my journal as a message service. He was not appreciative of what I had written about him. I did attempt to inform him that the purpose of a journal is to record one's thoughts and to help relieve stress and therefore should be excused. He would hear none of it. He went so far as to say that he could understand a person having disagreements with his superiors, but that was as far as he would bend. I have been informed that my attitude towards everything needs major work Because he apparently had time enough to read everything. He has also berated me for not sharing everything with him as I said I had.
We have had our first uncivil argument. I do not feel compelled to accept whatever it is he is trying to force upon me. I do not need a friend in him, I need a mentor and leader. And in that area, I need a mentor and leader who will help me advance.
I did not lose this argument. Neither of us did. We had to give up on it because of emergency work which Lord Korrade has been placed on. I have been ordered to stay in my quarters for the next two days and to report to his office at 0900 after that. He has grown fond of imprisoning me in here and removing my personal things. He knows it drives me insane.
Lord Korrade has decided to be gracious, or so he says. He is 'willing' to allow me to advance in my training. Or as he put it, I have stagnated long enough by sticking to these environmental studies when I obviously needed to move forward. Certainly, the fault is not mine. I obviously do not choose my training. Were I to do that, I'd have advanced many months ago.
He can't seriously.
Oh, Astantio is here. Delectably perfect, I'll say. Not only did he leave all of yesterday's work mixed in among my things, but he left them less than half finished. Perhaps Lord Korrade doesn't care enough to tell anyone other than myself around here what they do wrong, but I will make up for the deficiency.
Entry 433
Three days locked in a room with Astantio. Look at him, sitting there. Slouching on his unmade bed. And he stares at me as if I am some wild boar. Does he think I'll eat him or something?
I feel that Lord Korrade's punishments grow more and more unfair. Astantio had complained to him that I had been excessively cruel Which is entirely untrue, but as Lord Korrade tires of me, he believes it.. Lord Korrade has decided that the two of us will spend time locked together until we can learn to act civily. For the most part, he means me. I know he only means to punish me, because he hardly says a word to Astantio at any given time. I don't recall the last time Astantio has been insulted as I have.
Ah...and now he informs me that he will not end up like my old roommate. Word does travel well around here. Perhaps I shall stop my writing and give this my full intention. I find that looking people in the eye helps to convince them when I am lying. They believe that a person can't, but I must differ from that. It is the easiest thing in the world if it is done right.
Entry 445
....I can't do this job. I shall never be able to, no matter how long I try. It was one thing getting used to the ill treatment from others, from everyone. I can deal with that. I can deal with those that hate Zaibach, that are confused about their ideals. I can do menial work for the rest of my life and simply exercise my mind in my free time. I can do that perfectly well, perfectly fine.
However, I can not see how I can do this job, nor how this job serves a good purpose.
I will fight and make war, if need be. I will go to the streets of other countries and recruit, or at least spread Emperor Dornkirk's message.
But I can not do this. Had I known...had I known, I would have stayed locked up the first time. I should rather be locked away than to be expected to commit such things...
I have told Lord Korrade that I can not do any more in my training. He tells me that I am far too useful. So I am useful and therefore cursed. This country has a strange way of rewarding talent. If you are good, you take the slack and beatings for those who are not. If you are intelligent, you are burdened with the task of solving all the problems created by those that are not. The strong take care of the weak and the weak are many. While I find this admirable, the strong should make some effort to teach the weak to take care of themselves.
Lord Korrade obviously will not listen to me. I did not believe he would, however I did have hope that he might. That hope is shattered now and so on to the next approach. He will listen to me, one way or another. He will have to because I am certainly not doing the work he has given me. And I must say that any remaining respect for him has been torn away from me. Anyone that can do such things and still talk the way he does is an atrocity himself, as horrid as his actions. And he has the complete audacity to tell me everything and anything about myself. He knows nothing about me, especially if he thinks that I would do what he is asking me, even if I could.
No one can force me to pick up a knife or a needle, no one can force me to use them. And no amount of torture can change my mind.
And ending on that happy note, thank you for reading.
I have decided not to use actions inbetween. I find it more of a challenge to simply write the story with his entries. Or rather, I find it impossible to sit and write the actions and so am trying to find something good about this.
For fun, you might want to read "Healers in Shadow" and compare the back story with what is going on in this story. I have intended that the two have the same events.
I love writing from the POVs of different characters, but in this case I have to say that Folken isn't trustworthy in his opinions. He is not presenting the facts fairly. He rarely would, in my opinion. Even if it weren't his journal he were writing in, I think he does his best to persuade people of this or that by...well, not bending things, but presenting them in such a way to gain anything and everything he damned well pleases to.
It might seem that he has a little of the blind worship which Dirandau also shows for Emperor Dornkirk. However, it is not completely blind. The Emperor saved him in the first place. Because he took such care to, Folken has to believe that the Emperor saw something important in him.
Secondly, Folken thinks everything over once or twice...or three hundred times. He is very capable of persuading others towards this opinion or that. Except Van. Would it not make sense that he'd find it easiest of all to persuade himself?
Soon this story will be moving to one of my websites, entitled...well, it doesn't have a proper title. For now it is named "Philosophy and death," and I blame not sleeping all New Year's eve and then sleeping all New Year's day nd not being able to sleep the night after that for the stupid title.
I do have a link to it for now, though there is nothing on