Chapter Eight: What I miss the most.

Yuki was standing outside the building waiting Tatsuha to pay the cab. Yuki was the older brother, but Tatsuha had insisted on paying it, so he was waiting for him. Also, he was feeling a bit dizzy which had been happening very often now, especially since he had left the hospital.

It was that weird feeling again, the feeling that he was about to fall in a void. He needed to ask the doctor again about it, maybe this time they would tell him more than a 'it's normal' answer.

"Hey bro, what are you thinking about?"

Tatsuha walk towards him and smiled. He had made up his mind, so now it was just a matter of how and when. It had to be in a subtle way, but at the same time a really noticeable hint.

"Uh? Oh, nothing",

"Really?"

"Yeah".

"So you weren't thinking about that cute singer of yours?"

Yuki blushed slightly at the comment, but noticed Tatsuha's words.

"No! And what do you mean by my singer?"

"I'm not blind aniki, I saw the way you looked at him when he left".

Yuki's blush became more obvious.

"I- I- I don't know what you are talking about!"

Chance! Tatsuha had to take this opportunity.

"Really? Aw, I thought you were finally back together..."

Yuki's eyes opened wide as he stared in surprise at his little brother.

"What?"

Bingo!

"What?"

"What did you say, Tatsuha?"

"Ah... Eh... Well, you were together, weren't you? And... oh... don't tell me... You don't remember?!"

There. Play the innocent now, Tatsuha, and everything should work out well now.

"I- NO! I don't! I... Are you saying we were- we were-"

Final score: Tatsuha wins!

"You were lovers".

--

Shuichi decided to call Hiro. He was tired and bored of waiting, and he knew that even after Yuki arrived he would still be missing him. It was painful to admit, but he knew now that he couldn't keep on like this. He wasn't sure of what to do, but he needed to do something.

He had finally placed Yuki's computer on his desk. It looked better there, where it belonged, instead of his bedroom where it was definitely out of place. As he left the studio and walked towards the phone he heard the door opening. Yuki! Was the first thing he thought, and his feet moved on automatic towards the entrance. Just for a couple of steps, because then he remembered that Yuki was supposed to be only his roommate.

So he sighed and walked normally to greet the blonde. He stopped when he saw him. Yuki looked upset... No, he looks... angry... he's mad at me... but why?

"Eiri? Is something wrong?"

Yuki glared at him and Shu's heart jumped on... happiness? Shuichi had missed that glare for a while now. Well, he had been missing anything that the old Yuki used to do, from waking up late to stay working all day and night to his little fights. He missed all the good and the bad things they shared together. Because I love him...

"Why?"

"Uh?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"E- Eiri... I don't know what-"

"You... you lied to me! How- Why did you do it?"

"I don't understand! What are you talking about?"

"I'm the one that doesn't understand! Why didn't you tell me we were... we-"

Yuki blushed deeply at that. He couldn't say that he didn't like the idea, because he did, but it was strange. Shuichi looked surprised for a second, and then he too blushed at his words.

"I... How did you find out?"

"So it's true?"

"... yes".

"Why did you keep that from me?"

"I... I didn't want to! But Seguchi-san and you sister thought it was the best and... and..."

"You decided I didn't deserve to know?!"

"No! I... I... I just didn't know what to do... It was too much: the accident and then you didn't know who I was and..."

Shuichi's voice had become a whisper and then they transformed into sobs. Yuki's expression softened at the look of the boy in front of him.

"... don't cry..."

Yuki hesitated a little, but then he hugged the boy. Shuichi's sobs became a soft cry as he felt his lover hugging him in a brotherly way. He wanted Yuki to be the 'cold and mean' guy he had met, no this friendly and nice stranger that was in front of him.

"Shu... I'm sorry, it's been hard for you, hasn't it?"

Shuichi didn't answer. He cried until he felt that there were no more tears to cry. Then he noticed Yuki's fingers running through his hair and he looked up.

For a moment their eyes locked. And then, slowly, Yuki leaned over the smaller singer. Shuichi could feel the nervousness of the man holding him, and then he closed his eyes as he felt the warm lips of the blond over his.

It was a sweet kiss. Yuki held him closer as he parted Shuichi's lips and made the kiss deeper. For a moment, it was heaven for both men.

Until Shuichi realized there wasn't that feeling of joy he always had. What was there was the feeling that he was cheating on Yuki. He felt that the kiss was wrong, and as he understood that a tear rolled down his face. He couldn't do it, this wasn't the man he loved, this man was his friend, his roommate, but not his lover.

Shuichi pushed Eiri. The blond man looked at him questioningly, Shuichi's tears were confusing him.

"Stop it".

"Why?"

"I- I can't do this".

"But... I thought this was what you wanted"

"No.... No it's not!"

Eiri frowned at the sudden change of mind on the pink haired singer. Why was he reacting like that?

"Then what is it? I... I like you Shu... more than a friend".

Shuichi's eyes didn't reflect any emotion at that. He just stood there.

"No, you don't".

"What?"

"You don't love me, and I don't love you! You are not Yuki! You... you'll never be him! I want Yuki, give me back my Yuki!!!"

Shuichi pushed the startled writer and then ran towards the entrance. He had to leave, he had to get away from that man.

"Shu wait!"

Eiri ran towards the door as well, but Shuichi was already gone, leaving him alone and confused in an empty and still unfamiliar apartment.

--

Shuichi ran until he was out of breath and his legs didn't respond anymore. He had never felt so sad before. He looked around, thought for a moment, then headed towards the park. It was his third favorite place, after Yuki's apartment and the record studio, and he always felt calm and relaxed there.

Slowly, he made his way towards his favorite spot: the place where he had seen Yuki for the first time.

"Yuki.... I miss you so much...."

--

Eiri closed the door and sighed. He really liked Shuichi, he had wanted to kiss him for a while now, but somehow he had managed to mess it all up. He kept hearing Shu's words...

The singer was right, he couldn't be the man he was before, because he couldn't remember who he used to be. After listening to everyone else, he couldn't understand what kind of person he was, he had no memories of any of the events that the others talked about.

He didn't even remember his family! He could remember his sister and a little of his brother and father, but he didn't remember anything related to Kyoto, his friends or neighbors, the place where he lived as a kid, nothing.

There was nothing from the last months of his life either. How had he met Shuichi? How had they become... lovers? How many times had he seen the younger man fall asleep in his arms?

How had their first kiss been like? Their first touch?

How many times had he told him he loved him?

Did he really love him?

Eiri felt... empty.

He had nothing.

--

Shuichi was sitting on a bench, looking at the city, when he heard someone walking towards him. It was Hiro.

"So, what are you doing here?"

Shuichi didn't answer, he just looked again at the city as tears began to roll down again. Hiro approached and sat next to him. He had been very concerned after he called to his apartment and Eiri told him that he had left the place.

"Shu? What's wrong? Eiri-san told me that you had gone out".

"..."

"What happened? I thought everything was fine".

"Hiro... can I stay in your apartment for a couple of days?"

"Uh? Sure, but why?"

"I... Eiri and I fought... no, that's not it... we... we kissed".

"You kissed? What are you talking about?"

"You know, back at the hospital, when I was waiting for the doctor to tell us how he was, I prayed... I just wanted to see him alive, I didn't care about anything else..."

"Shuichi".

"And then he told us that he was ok, and I was so happy, but- but he's not Yuki! He's- he's another pe- person! I- I tried Hiro! I swear I did! But- but it's so ha- hard..."

Shuichi's voice cracked, and Hiro hugged him.

"I- I can't go back... He says he likes me but- but I don't like him... I want Yuki back! And- and then he- he kissed me and- and- I thought it was ok at- at fi- first but it didn't feel ri- right".

Shuichi looked up at his best friend, who sighed.

"I don't know what to say Shu".

Shuichi smiled a little, but with a sad smile. Then he stood up and closed his eyes, breathing the cold air of the night.

"I didn't know what to do either... but now I know".

"Mm? Shuichi what-"

"I'm moving away, Hiro".

--

It's like a surreal world,
Every time I look at you
The person I love the most
That whom my eyes can't stop to adore
Quietly in the night

I miss hearing your voice
I miss feeling your arms around me
Holding me strong
Never letting me go

I tried to forget my love for you
I tried to survive
But every time it was harder
To be by your side

There is not such thing as destiny
But the law of gravity is strong
It draws me towards you
Making me face me fate: I will always love you

That's why this time I won't come back
I will kiss you goodbye while you sleep
I won't shed a tear, that, I promise
I won't wake you up with my cry

I want to remember the 'old' you
The one I really love
And to let go the 'new' you
So you can find happiness without me around

I miss the soft touch of your hands
The feeling of your kisses in my mouth
The warmth of your body
While we slept at night

But what I miss the most
Is something I can't have back,
That special look you had in your eyes
When I was by your side

--

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Stop reading here for a sec............................................................................................... now you can go on.

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Bwahahahahaha!

I'm such an evil person!

Well, not as evil as my mom, who suggested an extremely sad ending for this story...

Anyway, this is definitely my fav chapter so far. Especially because this chapter is based on my first idea for the TYIL fic.

That's right, the first thing that came to my mind was the kissing scene. I imagine that if Yuki changed completely, Shuichi wouldn't like him anymore, because Shu loves him for who he is. So if Yuki kissed him Shuichi would reject him, and Yuki would ask him if this wasn't what he wanted.

Initially that scene was supposed to be with an angry and maybe (wasn't sure about it) slightly drunk Yuki. But after thinking it more I thought this was a better idea.

Oh, also, next chapter will be almost completely focus on Yuki and shorter. I believe this is the longer chapter so far!

So, tell me what ya think!