Thanks to all those who read and special thanks to all those who review, to Guren who has reviewed all my fics, to wing-12 who put the 100 review, to Kadzuki Fuchoin because she crowned me as the Evil Queen, and to Clari, who is a great friend.

Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Maki Murakami.

I believe you'll hate me after this... Anyway, read and enjoy.

Chapter Nine: The real one.

Eiri was standing alone in the apartment. He had never noticed before how cold it was without Shuichi there.

Shuichi's best friend, Hiroshi, had just called. As he hung up, Eiri felt desperation rising on him. He went to his room and look at it. There was nothing familiar to him, nothing that feel like it belonged to him.

After a moment, the blond man ran towards the closet and opened it. Gray, black, blue and a little white greeted him. He hated those clothes, they were so dark, and boring, nothing in color, not even a pair of socks. This clothes were so different to the ones Shuichi always wore, so energetic and... full of life. His own clothes were nothing like it, what did that meant? Why did he always wear such dull colors?

Shaking his head, he looked around again. Nothing. Not even a single photo, or a souvenir or some CD's. There was nothing in there that gave him a clue of who he was. It was like he hadn't been living at all. What had he been doing with his life? What had he been waiting for?

He opened every single drawer on the room. No letters, or notes, none of the little things that people usually had that had no value to anyone but themselves.

He exited the room and walked to the kitchen. Again, nothing. No colorful handkerchiefs, no old books of recipes, everything was practically in a perfect state. As if it had been just recently bought.

In the living room it was all the same. It all felt so inhuman, so empty. He didn't understand how such a bright and cheerful person as Shuichi didn't feel oppressed, why didn't he feel depressed just at the sight of it?

Eiri looked back. Shuichi's room. There had to be something there. Not thinking about it twice, Eiri opened the door of the pink haired singer. He felt tears rolling down his face at the sight of it.

There were several posters on the walls. On the small desk, pictures of the singer with his friends and band mates, his family, even one with him. There were some clothes on the bed, all full of color and life. Without noticing, Eiri fall to the ground. This room screamed the personality of his owner, with his bright colors in the walls, and the weird shaped pillows. With the green and blue rug, the bean chair and the mess of the room.

Compared to this, Eiri's room, no, Eiri's apartment in general felt... cold, unwelcoming, harsh.

The blonde writer felt more desperate than he had ever felt before. Thinking about it, he couldn't really remember if he had ever felt desperate before. The thought brought an ironic smile to his face. There was nothing in here that helped him. Before, he had had Shuichi to help him stand, the younger man had occupied most of his time, telling him stories of what he used to do, what he was like.

But Shuichi was gone now.

Without him, the blond man realized that he didn't know where he belonged. Damn it, he couldn't even remember his own work, what was he supposed to do with Shuichi?

Amber eyes open in surprise at his last thought. Of course! There had to be something at his studio! That's after all where the little singer had told him he used to spend most of his day!

Quickly, Eiri stood up and directed his steps towards the only place he hadn't checked. When he opened the door, however he almost run away. This room was not different from the others, everything was neat and clean. Quickly he turned up the lights and walked towards the bookcase.

All the classics were there. No science fiction books, no manga like Shuichi's, no magazines. On the desk drawers he found some cigars and a couple of notes of what looked like an idea for a novel. Besides that, no personal stuff, again, no photos or funny mugs. No personality.

Except... Eiri looked at the laptop. He hadn't seen it before, but if it was there, that meant it was his. And maybe, just maybe, it had something that could help him.

So he sat in the cold chair and turned the device on. Unlike everything else on the apartment, the laptop did have something useful for him.

The first thing he noticed, was the wallpaper. It was a photograph from a landscape, but it was obviously amateur, and looking at it closer the shape of a pink haired singer could be seen at the far right corner.

Eiri blinked at the picture displayed. He began feeling calmer, and opened the explorer trying to find something else. There were several documents, from past and new novels, all perfectly organized by name and date, and distributed in different carpets. There was some music archives as well. But what really got his attention were the pictures.

No more than ten images, but all of them had Shuichi in them. He checked all one by one, and the more he looked at them the more he was convinced that Shuichi and himself were deeply in love. Most of them showed Shuichi goofing around at some work-like parties. A couple of them were from Shuichi and his friends. But the last one made Eiri's heart stop.

It was a photo of both, lying in the grass. Shuichi was upside down, smiling as his hand rested on Eiri's chest. He looked happy and his smile was brighter and at the same time softer than he had ever seen it. The writer looked at himself. He wasn't smiling, just staring at the sky; but he looked relaxed and somehow content with just being there. The image made him feel nostalgic. That was something he couldn't remember having and, after what had happened with Shu, he was almost sure he wouldn't have it again.

Suddenly, anger rose in him. Why had this happened to him? Why he couldn't remember those things? Why him? He banged his fist against the desk and felt the tears leaving traces on his checks.

After a moment, he sighed. He was closing the images he had opened, when he noticed a document. Unlike the rest of the documents on the laptop, this one wasn't on any carpet, and the title seemed intriguing: Dedication.

Dedication? To what? Eiri opened the document and read. When he finished, turned the laptop off and locked himself on the room that was supposedly his. He clutched a pillow as he felt more and more tears flowing down freely. He wanted to be that man again, for Shuichi and for himself.

Shuichi opened the apartment door quietly and went straight to his room. All the lights were off, which meant that Eiri was probably sleeping already.

He entered his room and took a bag from the closet. Slowly, he started placing clothes on it. When he finished, he looked around the room. Was there something else he needed? Walking towards his bed, the pink haired singer sat down and took something from underneath the pillow. The Shuichi in the photo smiled brightly at Eiri... Eiri... he had been Yuki then, now... he was Eiri...

He felt the tears blurring his vision and sighed. He needed to leave this behind, or he would never get over it. He needed to move on, to... Damn it, he needed his old life back!

Damn you stupid Eiri! You jerk! You... you... you stupid writer! I was fine before you! Why did you have to appear into my life! Why did I fall in love with you! Why... why did you have to leave?...

Shuichi shook his head, trying to control himself. Hiro was outside the apartment, waiting for him. He just had to walk through the door and Hiro will take care of everything. Yes, everything would be fine.

He stepped out of his room. And there he was. Eiri. Staring at him with the bag. Shuichi felt suddenly guilty, but he had to get out of there. He couldn't take it anymore, he needed a break.

"Are you leaving?"

Me?... the true question lingered on the air and Shu realized he had to tell him, he owed him that.

"Eiri I... I'm sorry I just..."

"...Don't leave".

"What?"

"I... I just... I know I'm not him. I know I'm not the man you love anymore, but... can't you lean to love me?"

Shuichi blinked in surprise. He... Eiri wanted him to love him? He... no, he could never loved him. He might look like Yuki, but Eiri would never be able to replace him. Still, the sadness in his eyes was too much to Shu to take. He couldn't say no, not to those eyes.

"... I guess I could try but..." Shuichi smiled the best he could. "I need time, ok?"

He never knew the answer to his question. In front of him, Eiri blinked twice before leaning over the couch next to him for support. Shuichi just stood there, fear rising and taking over him as the blond man fall backwards, almost in slow motion.

He ran next to him, the bag forgotten, and catch him barely on time.

"Eiri? Eiri? Eiri! Answer to me! Eiri!"

No answer. He was unconscious. His bigger fear had become true, and he felt desperation rising on him too. Fear and desperation, that was all Shuichi could feel.

"No... please Eiri wake up! This isn't funny! Don't do this to me! Please... wake up... I... I can love you, I... I'll learn to love you... just... just don't die... please... don't leave me... Yuki...

He didn't notice when Hiro enter the apartment after hearing him scream. He didn't notice the call to the emergency number. He didn't notice the paramedics that arrived and took Eiri to the hospital. He didn't notice when Hiro grab him to the hospital. He didn't noticed when his best friend called Tohma and Mika. He didn't hear or feel anything anymore.

He didn't even cry. There were no tears left. He just stared in front of him, not caring about anything that was happening around him.

He couldn't go through it again. He wouldn't survive this time to the pain. It was too much to take. Eiri could die. And with him, any chances to get Yuki back, any chances to love him would be gone.

Shuichi wasn't sure if he would be able to live if the blond man that had given him so much was truly gone.

Love is a feeling overrated. Or so I believed.
Then I met you, and the word 'lovers' found a new meaning.
It was no longer a shallow word, it meant that we were in love.
Thank you for staying with me when I was down, for bringing noise to my quiet house,
but especially, for giving me a place that I can call home.
Thank you for existing, for being you.
 Told ya.