Looking in the Rain
I just drove. Where? I wasn't exactly sure, but I knew that if I kept going everything would get better. I've been driving for 2 hours. I didn't even know until I looked at the clock. "Well I guess I better stop for a while".
I look around. It is almost pitch black here, but the stars illuminate everything. It's beautiful. I never get this back in the city. The glittery lights and neon signs just reflect a town where the more you get the happier you get. A place where Greed is born. I must have escaped that epidemic. Almost the complete opposite actually. I have tried to be connected to as little of things as possible.
"Forever the ghost" I thought bitterly.
I look up. There must be a billion stars just in the patch of sky I am looking at. Sometimes I think that I could get lost looking at stars. Sometimes I wish you could. Looking for constellations, wishing on the brightest star, cheating because you would make a hundred wishes because you could never choose which star was brightest. I was always happy when I was younger looking at the stars. They didn't judge, make comments, ask anything of me. I laugh at the thought of what my co-workers would think. "There was a time when Grissom smiled, when he was happy. Crazy talk."
I lean against the hood. It's hot which is comforting against my cold back. Sort of like getting a hug. Oh, I'm so tired. I'm physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally tired. I feel so heavy. Like my body weighs tons and it hurts to move through the days.
Drop. I feel something wet against my face. It's a rain droplet. More are coming. I'm not moving though. It's really starting to pour. Hard. Gosh, it feels so good. Come on just keep raining. I move off the car and start walking. Walk, breathe, walk. I build a rhythm. Now I'm running. To where? Anywhere. I stop for a second, and look around. I could keep walking all night and not get anywhere. Ah, the story of my life. I can't stand that I can't seem to get anywhere. No conclusion, no resolution, no end. Like a circle. A vicious circle. That's it. I have had enough. I huff out. Stronger huff. A small scream. Louder, louder, louder! Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Scream! Scream! Scream! Now I have started pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. I just want everything to stop and let me be. I'm soaked to the bone. I could care less. Scream! Scream! Scream! Finally my voice cracks. I stop for a moment and realize that my throat hurts. Everything hurts. I finally just stop and fall to the ground. Just let the torrent of rain hurt me. I feel like I'm being baptized. Like I'm being washed. On the inside and out. It feels good. I just lay there and let the water fall.
My heart rate is back to normal. I'm breathing steadily. I can hardly see through the rain. But I feel lighter. I close my eyes. I finally feel content.
I feel something warm on my shoulder. It's a hand. I turn around. It's Sara. Sweet Sara. She was one of the reasons I ran to here. I hide from her, but I know that I am more vulnerable right now than I have ever been. I want her to see this. I want her to see that I'm human, that I'm not the Tin Man.
"Griss, are you alright? We were so worried." I look behind her and see Nick, he looks terrified. He shouldn't be worrying about me. After his kidnapping, I should worrying about him. No matter what though, Nick was always the dependable one. Once you had his trust you had it for life. Next to him, Warrick, looking almost proud of me. He always seems to understand me, even though he never said anything. He learned from his mistakes, and never asked anyone to notice. He tries to prove things to himself, not to anyone else. There's Catherine too. She's smiling at me. Her hair and make-up are ruined, but she doesn't seem to mind. Although Catherine seems to come off as a bitch, when you need her there, she was there. No questions asked. Greg's behind her. He's not looking up at me. Probably thinks he not member enough of the team yet to see this. But Greg doesn't know that I admire him. He's not phased by anything. He's still a good person. He's still the guy I go to if I need a relief from office politics, stupid bosses, and annoying paperwork. He's a good guy and I have no doubt in my mind that he will make something of himself with time.
They are my family. To them I will always be Grissom. I know that I will always have places in their hearts. It's good to know.
They lead me back to the car. Bundle me up, and give me coffee. No one says a word, because no one has to. They all understand.
I guess it took looking through the rain, to find that everything was crystal clear.