"Reflections On A Balcony Scene- Yet Again"

By Tim Shaw and Genevieve Thibeault

Part I: Tim Shaw's Part

I have long wandered this world, searching blindly, for this thing called "happiness." I searched for so long, I dreamed myself chasing a phantom, a chimera. And through avenues of knowledge, and wealth, and status, I pursued this phantom, until one day it came to me that her name was Love. Without love, there is nothing.

And love proved to be such an elusive quarry, leading me to the hell that became my marriage to Maris, or, much later, to meaningless flings with Kit, Allisson, and a few others.

But then I met Daphne. This phantom lover of my lonely yearning had manifest herself in the flesh. For 7 long years, I pursued her, from a distance, hindered by countless obstacles, but never daring to close due to a fear of rejection, and feeling that I was only going to get one chance with Daphne, and I had better not screw it up. Eventually what had begun as lust ended up as a love that became my virtual reason for being.

And then she met Donny, and they got engaged. From that day on, I slowly resigned myself to her being gone for good, she became once again the untouchable, unapproachable Goddess who still, at times, rendered me speechless and breathless. She was the ideal, the perfection you aspire to but know you will never attain, the great unfinished symphony of my life.

And taking this for fate, I decided to settle for a mundane contentment since happiness could no longer be found. Life with Daphne became a mocking dream, a monument to all my insecurities, fears, and failures.

When my relationship with Mel had progressed, I tried to convince myself I loved her, until, on some level, I did. I married her on impulse, (oh, planning out every detail of my life with precision had done so WELL...HA!) I was in a hurry to put my past behind me, to get on with my life, and I suppose I felt that the denial of my true feelings was an acceptable price to pay.

I was living in a dream world again.

Now that I look back on it, the timing couldn't have been more ironic. Just as I had convinced myself Daphne was gone forever, and my feelings for her must follow suit, that she found out that she had feelings for me. Life, and love especially, can be ruthlessly cruel.

It all came to a head the night before the wedding. Dancing with Daphne brought back old and painful memories with all their blazing clarity and intensity of the original. And then Frasier told me that Daphne had feelings for me.

It was then that the reality of my denial struck me with full force. Mel entered the room, and I began to panic. I was caught in a trap of my own creation. Married to a woman I only claimed to be in love with, and finally a chance to live out that old dream of life with Daphne. Caught between fire and ice. I could only have Daphne, that one chance at happiness for the first time in my life, if I betrayed my commitment to Mel, even if it was now plainly a false one. My heart and my conscience were fighting a war, and the only one losing was me.

And then the Goddess and I were in the room, face to face, for the first time we were on a parallel course, both feeling the same way, in the same predicament, wanting to say the same thing, but both hoping the other would speak first.

I knew what my decision must be, if only the situation would allow it. My marriage to Mel was dead 3 days after it had begun at that moment, no matter what Daphne did or said.

Our agony was prolonged by, literally, everyone and their mother entering the room. So we fled to the balcony. There's something about Daphne, myself, and balconies, (and kitchens) that seem to be the setting for some of our more dramatic moments, like the Christmas party, and this one was the most dramatic of all.

She kissed me.

This time, it was no charade on a ballroom floor...this was real. Too real. The reality of the whole situation was punctuated by her leaving me alone, feeling everything at once, staring out at the night sky and wondering what the hell life was putting me through.

So when she came to the winnebago the next morning, I left her fiancee, my wife, about a hundred other people back there, because I was hellbent on getting my one chance with Daphne, and I wasn't about to ruin it.

Many have questioned the motives for what I have done, or say I did wrong by acting selfishly. But is it not possible for them to conceive, in their narrow view of black and white, that something may be wrong perhaps, on one level, but right on another?

I suppose I hurt Mel to avoid hurting her more, by staying in a marriage with someone I would never be in love with. I couldn't live with it, and she didn't deserve it.

Love is often spoken of as perfection, but it can be the most double-edged sword of them all. It is an insatiable, single-minded creature that casts remorselessly aside whomever and whatever is unfortunate enough to get it its way. If left unsated, it slowly eats away at its victim from the inside through that horrible weapon of regret that destroys the heart and spirit.

And if I did act selfishly, it is because I have so long been denied happiness, that thing that causes you to really live instead of merely existing. And I have had enough of plain existence.

So I do not regret what I have done, I believed then, and still do, that it was right, and the wrong lies in that Donny and Mel were hurt, and were innocent bystanders caught in a web, defeated by a power that they did not comprehend. It was not my desire or intention.

So think of Daphne and myself what you will, but remember that fate is as remorseless as love, and if something is meant to happen, it will, sooner or later, and that life without love is merely a very slow death, and that happiness is always worth searching for.

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"Reflections On A Perfect Life" : My Part

I found out, and my life changed completely.

How do you react when you learn one of your best friends has been in love with you for as long as he has known you? You react the wrong way. You fall in love with him. You hurt people who don't deserve to get hurt.

I loved Donny. I really did. This marriage was not a desperate attempt to settle down, nor a way to escape loneliness. I loved him. At least I thought so.

What is love anyway?

Love can be a hundred different things. Love has been for me, over the years, lots of different things. But it has never been THAT.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that's why I started considering the possibility of falling in love with him. When you learn something like this the only way to think about it is from an exterior point of view. You are yourself, you are the one thinking about it, but you don't feel anything. You analyse. You rationalize. And it works out pretty well...until you let your guard down and it hits you so hard you can't rationalize anymore. You feel. That ought to be the hardest thing to admit.

Put yourself in my shoes. For the first time in my life everything was falling into place. I had a boyfriend who was nuts about me, who asked me to marry him and to spend the rest of my life with him. It was all I ever wanted, so I said yes. Even if I was accepting with so many doubts bothering me. I thought my life couldn't get any better than that. And one night I fell in someone else's eyes. I drowned in the sea of his eyes, taking my whole life with me. My perfect life. Instead of trying to swim to get out of the water I let myself drowned even deeper, until the feeling of drowning took over my entire self. Until swimming became a distant notion I once knew. A mere memory. What was left for me to do but surrender to this feeling? The calm and peaceful sensation of this long fall was too powerful to be fought.

Niles Crane was a man of ethics. He wasn't going to ruin my whole world for a purpose as selfish as his own feelings. I knew it. I admired him for that. But the more I had the feeling he was giving up the more I wanted him to hang on to me. Most men would have done the easy thing no matter what the consequences might be. Instead, he decided to do the hard thing and keep a friendship we both valued a lot. The only problem was that I wanted him to be more than a friend. I wanted the lover. I knew he used to love me. What I didn't know was how to tell him I loved him too.

God knows I tried to compose a beautiful speech. For some reasons what I was feeling was impossible to put in words. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way I did : the music of the heart couldn't be written on music sheets. There are no words powerful and meaningful enough to describe these feelings I had. Using the wrong words could ruin the most perfect moment. But somehow he had to know. And I found the most perfect way to do so.

Maybe 'find' is a little bit too strong to describe what I did. Come to think of it, it was more an impulse than a plan.

I think unconsciously I told Frasier how I felt about Niles because I knew he couldn't keep something like this to himself. He would tell him for sure. And then Niles would run to me and tell me how he feels. Instead he showed up married, unaware of my feelings for him, and the only thing I could do was trying to breathe. The tranquil sea was turning into a storm, leaving me between two waves, suffocating. Holding on to a shattered dream I once held for two people who spent way too much time apart for nothing. And going back to another dream who seemed so perfect. Such a long time ago.

Fate can be such a weird thing...

I knew Frasier couldn't keep something like that to himself, and of course, he didn't. Even if Niles was married, even if he seemed happy with Mel, he still told him. And Niles Crane did exactly what I thought he would do.

I knew if he'd tell me what he felt for me for the last seven years there would be no turning back. For neither of us. It was an all or nothing situation. I stood there, listening to his words, his music, singing a song so pure my heart couldn't help but sing along. Writing the music in my head before singing it out loud. Trying to find my way out of the sea. To live again under the deep blue sky and see the stars. To take each and every single breath with him for the rest of my life. Because of him.

The song stopped. It was my cue now. But the melody never came, and was ruined by off-keys singers. I had to follow him, I had to tell him, I had to spread my wings and fly. I had to. I was so close to freedom there was no way I was turning back. And then I found it. The music, the lyrics, the instruments, everything.

It was the song of my heart and my way out of the sea. It was breath taking and breath giving at the same time. It was my only option, and the only one I wanted to take.

I kissed him.

I had no idea how he would react. Well, ok, I had some idea. But I knew at that precise moment that it was the only thing we wanted to do. That we finally touched the shore and left the raging sea behind us. We owed it to both of us. This kiss, so simple, so fragile, so intense, was the union of two souls for the first time.

For the first and only time. Or so I thought.

When he kissed me, when I felt his fingers running on my naked back, when I realized that if I would let myself go to it I would never be able to turn back time I came back to reality. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt Donny, or Mel for that matter, for something as unsure as what might be a simple attraction. I knew I loved him, don't get me wrong, but I had to lie to myself in order to go through this wedding. To do as I always did, and please everybody. Except me. Except us.

And then it hit me. Very hard. So hard it took my breath away.

I never did anything because I wanted to. I always did what my brothers wanted, what my mom wanted, what I was supposed to do. Even with Frasier and Martin, although I was paid for it. Could you bring me some tea, Daphne? Can I have a beer? Would you give me a massage? Never, in my whole life, anybody took the time to care about me, to ask how I was.

Except Niles.

I realized then what a huge mistake I made. He cared enough about me to let me go. He respected my decision, even if it was ruining his whole life. He wanted me to be happy.

He loved me.

The perfect world I wanted to protect was not mine, and it would never be. It would be everybody else's perfect world, but I wasn't going to be part of it. The world I was going in was a complicated one, but the two of us would have the strength to face it. Together.

All I did was run to him, and ask him to take me far away, so far away that this perfect world would only be a distant memory of a mistake that came so close to be a reality. And he did.

I made love with him that night like I never made love to anybody else before. I gave him everything I am, everything I have, because I knew he would give me no less. Because my body was aching for his. And because I never felt so desirable in my whole life, neither did I want somebody as much as I did that night.

I fell asleep in his arms that night, knowing I made the right choice. Even if times aren't that easy since we came back, for quite obvious reasons. You can't live a dream forever. We left a lot of people out there, with a lot of questions. We had to face them eventually. But together we can find the strength to go through it. And every night, when we can finally live our love and we fall asleep in each other's arms, I know that even if we still have a lot of things to face, I wouldn't change my actual world for my old perfect world. Simply because one element was missing. Simply because Niles Crane was missing. The man I love.

The End