Her cheeks ashen, Lily clutched the covers with hands grown cold as ice. She hadn't wanted to admit this to herself, not for a long time, but it was there, and it had been there. The Lord of Darkness had invaded her dreams and her thoughts; now he invaded her waking life as well.
I should have gone to Jack... or to Gump, even, she thought frantically. They would surely have known what to do, right? Or... I don't know what I should have done, but I should have done it sooner. Damn me, I was just so comfortable here at the castle, I didn't want to admit that something was different, and now it's too late. Now he takes over my entire life. Where will it end? What does he want from me?
She sprang off the bed and began to pace about her large chambers. How could this be? She had not seen the Lord of Darkness perish in the abyss, but Jack had said that he had. He had said—
Lily paused. What was it Jack had said, anyhow? She wrinkled up her brow, trying to remember the exact phrasing. Slowly, it began to come back to her. "He was hanging on the edge of a great abyss, and I, well, I hit his hand with my sword so he'd drop the horn. And he screamed and tumbled back, until he was invisible, and shooting stars erupted from where he'd been. He's gone now, Lily. Gone forever. I swear it."
But he wasn't, was he? She didn't know how, but somehow, somewhere, he was still alive. Maybe weakened, maybe not, but he had not died. Jack hadn't killed him. A wave of anger at Jack rose up inside her, but she suppressed it. It wasn't his fault. He had tried, hadn't he? He had been given every reason to think that the Lord of Darkness was dead, and after all, how could they have known that there was still some sort of spell on her? He had done the best he could to break it. She held up her hand thoughtfully, looking at the ring on it. Jack went and risked his life for me. It does not become me to resent him. That did not, however, change the fact that Darkness was slowly beginning to torment her mind.
So where is he? Lily scrunched up her face in thought. Tentatively, in her mind, she called out, "Are you out there?"
She gasped and fell back onto her bed. She hadn't expected a response, not really, and she hadn't gotten much of one, but there had been something. It hadn't even been a word – Just a grumble. A cat-purring, self-satisfied grumble. Could I have just imagined it? Deep down, though, she knew she hadn't imagined it.
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. So she knew that he was still alive, and that he was definitely out there somewhere. What should I do? Well, for starters, I must remember that I'm dealing with a demon. If, for whatever reason, he wants me, he won't hesitate to hurt others to get to me. He could hurt Clara, or Tom the baker, or James the herald, or even Father. No one is safe with me here. This is all my fault. Which means... She swallowed past a sudden lump in her throat. ...I must leave the castle. I must leave, quickly and quietly. And not come back till this is done.
With that decided, Lily felt stronger. Somehow more confident. The ability to make decisions was not one she took lightly, not anymore, not since it had all begun. But now there was no choice, and she could not let anyone be hurt.
Where should I go? Can I go hide in the forest with Jack? While she wanted to keep that happy thought in mind, she sadly admitted that she could not. He would be scared of what was happening to her, and he'd want to go charging off and defeat Darkness again. I cannot let my silly boy get himself killed. I cannot go and stay with Nell either. It's just too dangerous. I cannot stay with... anyone. I have to go somewhere on my own and stay that way.
As the grinning visage of Darkness again stung the back of her closed eyelids, a sudden calm overcame her. I have to find him. I have to find Darkness, and make this end or die trying. I owe it to Jack, to Gump, to Oona, and all the rest of them. And the entire kingdom.
***************************************************************
Though the thought of leaving was a frightening one, she could not deny that her adventurous side leaped in ecstasy at the idea of striking out on her own. Over the next days that followed, she spent her free time making plans: how to get what she needed, how to leave without being caught.
Lily was really a very organized girl. She made a list of items she would need to take with her, and put a tidy check mark next to each item she acquired.
Rations (enough to last for some time)
A pair of sturdy leather boots
A long-sleeved peasant's dress
A shawl
A dagger (to hide within boots)
Mud/Charcoals
A warm cloak (black, if possible)
A pack
A sword
Sitting back and looking at the list she'd just made, she found it difficult to believe that it was so short. As a princess, every time she'd traveled, everything she could possibly have wanted was provided for her. If she wished for a book, she would be holding one within a minute. Yet somehow, knowing that she would be traveling on foot, she had been able to shave down what she needed to just these few items. Well, those and the ring on my finger, she mentally amended. It's all I have of Jack. I cannot leave it behind. And though Lily did not want to admit the possibility to herself, should she fail and need help, she needed only to show the ring to someone and they would recognize her as the princess. But, she thought fiercely, I shall not fail. Whatever it is I must do, it will be done. Turning her mind to the list in front of her, she sighed and wondered how in the world she was ever going to get her hands on a sword.
*********************************************************
Supplying herself with charcoal with which to disguise her face was relatively easy. One night after dinner, after the castle was asleep but for a few guards, she slipped down to the Great Hall, knowing where each guard was stationed and skillfully avoiding them, a girlhood of searching for secret passages in the castle aiding her on her way. Once there, she stepped lightly over the hay spread on the floor and made her way to the fireplace where the blazing fire had its place during the cold of winter. This being late summer, all there was in the dark pit were some old pieces of burnt wood. Beneath them, however, was the charcoal she needed. Picking up a few small pieces, she went back to her room as quickly as she could and hid them under her bed. Item one, accomplished, she thought triumphantly.
Unfortunately, the other accoutrements that she desired proved to be a bit more difficult to accomplish.
The next day was the day she'd decided that she was to acquire the peasant's dress and the shawl. She could only think of one place in the castle that she might find those: in the lower levels of the castle where the servants worked. Though none of them were allowed to go around in such uncouth clothing, surely some of them must have some of their old clothes, if only for relaxing.
Knowing that they would likely be working during the day, and asleep in their rooms during the night, she could not sneak around at night; she had to find her way there in broad daylight without being stopped or questioned.
It almost made her smile, imagining such an interrogation: "Milady, where are you going?" "Oh, down to the servants' quarters." "I'm afraid that you are not allowed down there, Princess." "That is a shame indeed. I have a tryst scheduled with the stable boy, and it would be a disgrace to not show up."
A tryst with the stable boy? Where on earth did that thought come from? She was afraid that she knew only too well where this new lewdness, this new daring came from. Well, wherever it came from, it will work. If caught, I will give that excuse, and will charge the poor guard not to tell my father, for my own safety.
With that decided, she stood up and left her chambers. Sneaking down to the servant's quarters included a trip past the Hall of Portraits. Lily didn't particularly like going through there – Walking through, even as a young child, she could feel all of her dead ancestors' eyes upon her. This time was no different, though she felt that they were somehow more disapproving than usual. At the end of the hall was a newer painting: her mother's portrait.
Lily did stop then, and look up at her mother. Queen Rose was dressed in an intricate gold brocade with a scalloped neckline and a puffy, yet flowing skirt. She stood straight, with her long, elegant hands clasped in front of her firmly. Her face was serious, as was the tradition, yet there was something in her face – whether it was the arch of the eyebrow, the look in the eyes, or the quirk of the mouth Lily did not know – that suggested that the Queen would much rather be smiling and out riding a horse than standing stiffly in front of some arrogant court artist.
"Mama?" Lily whispered. "Mama, can you hear me?" She paused, feeling silly, but half expecting a response. Oddly let down when there was nothing, she continued, "Mama, I don't know if you would have liked what I'm doing or not. You probably dislike it as much as the rest of the stuffy people in here would have." She encompassed the entire room with a wave of her hand. "But I don't have a choice. I'm doing it to protect us all. I really am." She paused, feeling vulnerable. "And I'm doing it for myself, I suppose. No matter where I end up, I'll try to make you proud of me." With a final smile for the mother she had never known, Lily turned her back and kept walking.
Winding through a maze of halls lit by large windows, with golden light flowing through to illuminate the dancing dust motes, she almost made it to the servant's quarters without interruption. However, no plan could ever go perfectly, and she was indeed apprehended by a young guard who snapped to attention at the site of her. Of course, Lily reflected, she couldn't really blame him. Today she was dressed in a tawny velvet dress, and her curly hair was loose and flowing. She could almost feel his admiring eyes run over her body, but he remembered his duty.
"Princess Lily! What are you doing down here?"
She put an appropriately panicked look on her face, thankful that she had planned her story before coming down here. "Sir guard! I... I was just taking a stroll!"
The young guard, who really wasn't bad-looking, with sandy hair and dark brown eyes, looked skeptical. "A stroll? Down here, Milady? There is nothing down here but the servant's quarters. Surely you'd rather stroll in the portrait hall?"
Lily was about to give her "tryst with the stable boy" answer when she thought of an even better idea. She widened her eyes slightly and said, "The portrait hall? Sir guard, I've been through that hall a thousand times. There is nothing... interesting up there." Knowing how to do it without knowing how she knew, her lilting voice became throaty and suggestive. Sinuously, she took a single step closer to him. "Nothing for me to sink my teeth into. Tell me, do you know of anything... interesting down here?"
He was affected, she was sure of it. She saw the way his hand tightened on the hilt of his sword till the knuckles shown white, the way he rubbed his hand across his face in an attempt to hide his blush from his princess. His voice was slightly ragged when he spoke. "Princess, I don't think your father would like it if he knew you were down here."
A step closer. "He won't know," Lily said huskily, bringing up a single hand to rest on the guard's well-defined chest, visible under his thin armor. "Nobody has to tell him. He doesn't need to know anything that happens."
That did it. The guard was hers. "What...what is it you wish, my princess?" he asked, swallowing.
"Bring me a brown peasant's dress and a shawl, any type. No questions asked. You do this for me, good sir guard, and I will do...whatever you wish."
His eyes glazed. He wasn't a bad type, probably, but he was young and could not believe what he was being offered. "A... what? A peasant dress and a brown shawl?"
She laughed lightly. "Close enough. Where would you like me to wait?"
He pointed to a cracked wooden door at the end of one of the halls he was guarding.
Lily smiled. "Your name?"
"Connor, Princess."
"Well, Connor," she whispered, inches from his face, "I will wait there for you."
Dazed, he turned and stumbled in the opposite direction. The seductive smile faded from Lily's face and she leaned against the wall, feeling weak.
What on earth am I doing? Am I truly going to trade my virginity for a dress and shawl that can't be worth more than my nail clippings? What – what would Jack think? She swallowed. Darkness must have put this crazy idea in her head; she couldn't have come up with this on her own! Why didn't I just go with the stable boy idea? It was a good idea! It would have worked easily, with no more damage done than a random guard thinks less of me. And now I'm about to let that random guard—
While her brain told her to run away, her body straightened up and walked calmly towards the door Connor had indicated. Though she knew that she was destroying her future, her body wanted this. Every night that she had woken up with Darkness's voice echoing in her ears, every time she had run her hands over herself when alone and dreamed that it was someone else's hands, it had been this she wanted.
I'll get it over with. It can't be that bad; people seem to enjoy it. Like I said, no one needs to know about this. Jack doesn't need to know. Jack can't know. Connor won't tell, even if he wants to brag to his friends. He knows the rules as well as anyone: he would be ordered to death for daring to touch a member of the royal family. He wants it, and god help me, I want it.
Her hand was on the doorknob. She took a deep breath, then opened the door. The room wasn't horrible, at least, a fact for which she felt inordinately grateful. It had a single cupboard and a cot with neatly made blankets. At a sudden idea, she shut the door behind her and quickly opened the cupboard. Yes! She silently exulted. There wasn't much in the cupboard: a single change of clothes and a dagger. It wasn't being used much, that was for certain. It was sitting in a layer of dust that suggested it had not been touched for several months. She snatched the dagger out and hid it in the pocket of her dress. One less thing to worry about finding. Biting her lip, she did realize that she was stealing from a man who didn't have much, but she managed to assuage her conscience with the thought that when all was done, she would give him a gold coin. That should more than cover the cost of a new dagger, Lily decided. She shut the cupboard door with a click.
Licking her lips, now more curious than afraid as to what was going to happen, she gracefully sat on the cot. It wasn't very comfortable, but she let go of that thought quickly as the door opened and Connor walked in.
She ascertained in a glance that he had done as she asked and carried the dress and shawl in a bundle in his arms.
"How... how did you get them so quickly?" she asked, her voice squeaking slightly, despite her best efforts to keep it level.
He grinned impishly. "My sister May is a seamstress. I simply borrowed them."
Lily laughed, all nervousness leaving her, and stood up. "A man after my own heart, it would seem."
Connor ducked his head, looking sheepish. "I simply did as Milady wished."
"And what Milady wishes right now," she said quietly, "is for you to drop those on the floor and come here."
He did as he was ordered, but was still surprised to feel her arms snaking around her neck and her mouth kissing him sweetly. Connor pulled back and looked at the girl, no, the woman who was right in front of him.
"Princess Lily," he said simply, "I swear that I shall protect you with my life."
Lily was puzzled for a moment, than laughed gaily. "Sir Connor, as much as I appreciate the thought, your life is not what I want right now." She pushed him, and he fell backwards onto the cot. She joined him on the cot, lying on top of him. "But I'd think that was fairly clear right now," she finished, feeling a sense of odd affection for him. Putting her hands on either side of his sandy-haired head, she lowered her head, and kissed him, her dark hair covering them like a curtain...
****************************************************
Later, much later, she wobbled back to her room, in a daze herself, clutching her precious bundle of cloth. She still couldn't believe what she'd just done, what had just happened to her. It had felt good and she had enjoyed it thoroughly, no doubt about that. It had only hurt a bit, at the beginning.
Connor had lifted his head when he heard her gasp, and had looked at her, horrified. "Did I hurt you, Princess?"
"No," she had assured him, the pain already fading. "I'm fine, Connor, I swear." He had believed her, and within a matter of seconds, she had believed herself as well.
And after that... Lily hugged the dress and shawl to her chest, a small smile on her face, no matter how she tried to look serious. After that it had been wonderful. I should have done this with Jack... No. No, I shouldn't have. Jack is an innocent. Surely he has never... felt something like this. Connor had known what he was doing though.
Afterwards, when she had pressed the gold coin into his hand, he had looked slightly puzzled. "Princess? You're paying me? I did not do that for coin."
"Nor did I expect you to want any," she had answered. "Don't consider it payment, consider it a gift from me to you." She flashed him her happiest smile. Dazzled, he'd smiled back.
Ignoring the unaccustomed soreness, Lily ran through the Hall of Portraits, not wanting to look upon the disapproving eyes. Not now, when she felt so good.
In fact, it is strange that I do not feel more horrified. I've lost my virginity. I've made love to a man I don't really know. I can no longer touch a unicorn. She paused for a moment, than continued, unaffected. Not that I should ever have touched a unicorn in the first place. I'm sure this is all for the best. And, well, when I do this with Jack, he won't have to worry about hurting me.
Though she consciously tried not to think of the fact that what she had done would no doubt hurt Jack, the thought did invade her dreams that night... along with someone else.
She crouched on the floor, hiding behind a large ridged column that swept towards the high, vaulting ceiling that seemed to echo back her every breath. He was here too, she knew that. He was here looking for her. When she looked down at herself, she was only slightly surprised to find herself totally nude, but for a jeweled black necklace that nestled snugly between her breasts. He must not see me like this, she thought in horror. Though she attempted to cover her body as completely with her hands as she could, still her painted eyes peered around the column, searching. A small bead of excitement lay in her heart.
"My lady." The voice was quiet, and oh-so-confidently-deep. With a gasp, she whirled around. She hadn't thought to look behind her, and that was exactly where he was standing, in all of his horned glory. It came to her vaguely that she had no idea how long he'd been standing there, and even more vaguely that she wasn't as bothered as she should be.
Though her heart was beating quickly, all she let out was a slightly strangled yelp. She was determined to be calm, not to nearly pass out, as she had the first time she'd seen him. "Demon," she said back quietly.
While she stood there, barely even trying to cover herself anymore, knowing he had seen it all, his eyes opened and closed slowly, panning over her body. Judging by the leer on his face, he rather liked what he saw. Turning from her, his glittering cape whipping around and very nearly hitting her, he walked over to a nearby table, his hooves making but soft noises on the floor. He picked up a glass of deep red wine and held it up appraisingly, viewing her body through the translucent glass and the burgundy liquid before taking a sip of the drink.
"Imagine my... surprise to find you back in my home, Lady. Especially in such appealing attire." He chuckled.
"Imagine my displeasure at being here, Demon." Slowly, her confidence was returning. "I shan't stay any longer. This is just a dream."
"Just a dream? Do you not remember what I told you, princess?"
The words leapt to her mind as if he'd just spoken them and they still hung, quivering, in the air between them. "Dreams are my specialty. Through dreams, I influence mankind. My dream... is of eternity... with you."
"Yes," she said stiffly. "I remember quite well. If you influence dreams, surely you could influence me some clothes, I'm certain?"
"And why would I wish to do that?" Slowly, he began to close the distance between them. "Newly deflowered women have a certain look about them that is quite pleasing to behold, a certain feel that is quite pleasing to—" A large crimson hand reached out and stroked one of her ringlets.
"You know nothing, Demon," she said angrily. "Do not touch me."
"Is that what you said to the young man? It is no wonder that he wished to take you – Quite enchanting when you're angry."
"I only did it because—" She trailed off. Did she really want to tell him?
"—Because?"
She tossed her head haughtily. "If you know what I've been up to, surely you know why."
His smirk slowly vanished as his lips pursed. "Lady, there is much I know. I can see what you did this afternoon as clearly as if I had been there. Animal lust, princess. I know it well and I can see it well."
She quickly understood that which he had left unspoken: he did not understand what she was doing. Though there was selfishness in it, she was acting largely for the sake of others, and such kindnesses he did not understand and could not see.
With the comfort of the knowledge that he could not rake bare her soul, she felt brave enough to say, "Demon, leave me alone. Stop coming to me. Leave my life, leave my home, and never come back. Release me from this spell. I shall never be yours, never."
"Spell? What spell might that be, my lady?"
She was infuriated. "Do not play the idiot with me! You know quite well of what I speak. Release me."
He slowly swayed forward till his glowing eyes were inches from hers. "Release you? I think not. Innocent you may look, but you are my true mate. Deny it as you will, Lady, but your actions this afternoon only make it ever more abundantly clear."
The dream was starting to fade, but she still held on. "Wait!" she yelled. "I command you to leave me! Do not destroy my life!"
"Your life is no longer your own. Not since the moment I first saw you. I will have you, will you or no. And I am growing impatient. Think you that some betrothal to some puny princeling will stop me? No matter who I have go kill, you will be mine."
Her eyes snapped open. Oh god, she thought in dread, lying nude under her flowing covers, what have I done?