Chapter 4: As the saying goes

I slip my foot into the sea of translucent orange, not caring a jot as the thick liquid creeps in-between my toes and saturates my tights till they cling to my legs like a second skin. I let it hang and in a daze watch the ripples that spread out from my foot as it hovers over the unfathomable depths of the LCL pool, letting my eyes sink into it.

For once I let myself enjoy the moment and the simplicity of it all for what it is without trying to metal establish order or apply a set of rules to the situation. What's the point anyway? I was a fool for believing that all the things in life could be sorted out like some great equation; everything slotting into place with immaculate tidiness and leaving not a single lose end for one to trip over.

What a fool indeed.

The world dose not work like that. Inevitably, an anomaly will crop up as you shift from day to day. You'll try to remove it… get rid of the decontamination as it beginnings to pick everything else apart but then before you know it, everything's snowballing out of control and suddenly you're drowning in it.

Well, I've given up trying to fight it, and you know what? I think that was the single greatest achievement in the whole sordid affair that was my life. There's a certain sense of… spiritual tranquilly that comes with letting go and letting the whole chaotic disorder just wash over you.

I guess this internal enlightenment is one thing I can thank him for…

My foot rocks against the thick liquid, setting it off dancing once more as I lean back and let my stiff neck loll. I open my eyes, only to find the only other soul who occupies Central Dogma staring down on me from up high, her six eyes lazily absorbing the spectacle that's me.

I can't help but feel a pang of empathy for the white giant.

"So, Lilith… you're just another name on the list of women Gendo Ikari's broken for his own means, huh?"

Of course, she doesn't reply and those six eyes just keep on reflecting the world as she hangs on the gigantic crucifix. This thing that could potentially destroy us all is trapped, stunted and held firmly in place, helpless to embrace the world around it and it's all because he wishes it to be this way.

"I know how you feel…" my eyes fall back to the warm LCL. "God do I know."

Because, in a way, I'm in the exact same position as the crucified angel. Just like it, I'm just another cog in the machine to Ikari

. All I'm good for is making it run smoothly and if I jar or tarnish, he won't bat an eyelid as he plucks me out and throws me away.

Sometimes, when I was shut away in that cell with none but the dark to keep me company, I'd laugh at how I'd used to hope with every fibre that holds me together that this truth wasn't so infallible. Before everything quite frankly when to shit, I'd used to pray (or at least, the closest thing I've ever done to it) that it wasn't so. I'd pass the time shifting through every single encounter, every single word he said, searching for some clue that he actually saw me as something human… as something he loved rather than just some tool with a high I.Q.

Love… not once has he ever said that word to me in all the sentences he's uttered.

My god, how pitiful indeed.

Well, the fog's lifted from my eyes and now, for the first time, I can see clearly. I've been used but that's all over now; I'm spent and he's more than happy to leave me to rot in some dingy hole. To him, I'm just another rung in the ladder that leads up to his ego-centric dreams of Yui and third impact while below me lies the broken form of my mother, another of his victims.

Oh, but Ikari, you haven't learnt that I'm not her and you aren't going to shatter my spirit with such ease…

The dry click of shoes on metal rings through the vast chamber, bouncing off the walls. I don't even need to look to know it's him.

"I've been waiting for you…" I feel a tired grin spread to my face as I shift to my feet and turn to face him one final time.

Ah, correction; turn to face them.

So, he brought her along to, huh? Not surprising really since she is so important, so vital, so very integral to this whole ascension Ikari has planned out for the human race. Rei Ayanami… probably the only person on this planet that Gendo could bring himself to shed a tear for if she died, and she's not even human. Ha, if I still had it in me to laugh, I would; after all, that really shows just where I stand with him.

The girl shifts, slipping being the broad frame of the man, her crimson eyes running over me with unscrupulous intensity. What? Is she trying to make some kind of statement? Is she still trying to prove that he chose her over me? Oh get over yourself, you sad little thing. You're nothing but a walking testament to a dead (or at least something like it) woman… and like a memory, you can easily be wiped clean.

My hand comes up, drawing free of the deep lab coat pockets and dragging an unfamiliar weight with it. I level my hand, aiming the revolver dead at them. I pull back the hammer and the cool click of metal rings through the chamber with sharp clarity.

"I'm sorry, but when I installed the fire wall, I changed the MAGI's programming without telling you."

Gendo just looks back at me, wearing that void expression that looks as though even the suggestion of emotion might crack it, eyes hiding behind gleaming glasses. He doesn't even look somewhat alarmed at the prospect of me pulling the trigger and plugging him full of lead, nor dose his emotionless puppet.

He's calling my bluff. He doesn't need to say anything, that unrelenting steel glare is enough for me to see that he thinks this gun is loaded with empty threats and I'm going to just be another push over he can crush under-foot.

What a fool indeed; I've got something much larger in mind.

My other hand slips back into the white folds of the coat, wrapping around the small customise contraption hidden away in the depths of the pocket. My thumb slips over the ridge of a small button and pauses. Funny, by doing something as simple as applying a single ounce of pressure to this mundane object, I could reduce this grand structure to a smoking mass of rubble… not that the fourteenth angel didn't do a bad job of it. I pause and leave the digit hovering over the knob that will send a request to the MAGI, a request which will end all this. Even though the logic of the decision I came to while I was abandoned in the depths of solitary confinement will be totally alien to the mother, the woman and scientist that makes up that machine, they can't possibly refuse me… not after the alterations I made while they left me to fix her.

No, she'll see it my way. She has to after what he did to her, after what he reduced her to.

Anyway, going on like this would be pointless, there's nothing and no one left worth living for, save for this; this petty act of vengeance which is the only thing that kept me drawing breathe ever since they locked me up away from the world.

I'll be damned if I let him walk away from all he's done to me, to us unscathed.

"A loving daughter's final request…" I look up, gazing into the high alcove of the barely viable ceiling. Funny, it never crossed my mind that it would all end like this. In this line of work I always thought it would be a little more… apocalyptic.

"Mother, let's end it together."

I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. Yes, I'm ready now; it's just a shame I didn't realise I was set to do this for a long while. Maybe I would have saved my self some pain if I had. I doubt it though.

Like mother, like daughter, as the saying goes.

I press the little button and every muscle in my body tightens up like taunt wire fit to snap.

This is it.

The End.

…

Huh?

I open my eyes. The ceiling's still above me, my feet are still firmly planted on the ground and my heart still beats with in my chest. And then it dawns on me; I'm still alive. H-how is that possible? I re-wrote her programming… there's no way the MAGI could possible refuse the order to initiated the self-destruct sequence because they'd see… they'd see that it was the only way.

As I look down at the thing in my hand I feel the flesh on the back of my neck begin to creep.

Access Denied.

The two simple words are scrawled across the detonator's screen, blinking in mocking red under the name 'Casper'. The world reels violently and something cold knots up in the depths of my stomach.

"Casper betrayed me?" I state but the sound crawling from my mouth sounds so very far away. I feel sick. "Mother, how could you chose your lover over me!" Somewhere, in the depths of that machine, I can see the woman of that damn trinity laughing at me and the silent sound cuts my ears to ribbons.

"Ritsuko Akagi," I look up at the cold, soulless sound of my name only to feel my heart jar under my ribs at the sight of the gun levelled at me from the clutch of his hand. He's still wearing that blank, empty expression on his face, it didn't even falter once throughout. I wonder…. Did he know that he still has my mother wrapped round his little finger even though she rests in an early grave which he dug for her? "The truth is"

But I don't hear the words; I physically can't as something deep inside me quietly shrivels up and dies at the sound of them. How, how after everything he's done to me, after the miles of dirt he's dragged me through, after the constant lines of deception he's fed me, how can he bring himself to say that? Strange, I've waited so long for some clue that he actually felt something towards me and that our relationship wasn't just one way for him to while away the empty hours…

Well, here it is and, my god, hearing it now hurts more than the hole the fear of rejection chewed out of me ever could.

"Ha…" I raise my head and take him in one final time as a bitter smile pulls my lips into something twisted. "You liar."

I see him pull down on the trigger and suddenly, I'm tumbling back. Something explodes in my chest and then the sound of gun-fire comes ringing in my ears. The world falls away as I drop over the edge of the platform, a small ribbon of blood chasing after me.

Then, it hits home; he just shot me.

8 8 8

The is a splash, the damp sound resonating through the empty hall. Dr. Akagi can do nothing to stop the downward pull of gravity that drags her deeper and deeper to the depths of the LCL pool, not that she really wants to. Eyes rung with pain gaze up at the light overhead that pierce the watery substance, distorted by its orange tinge and the billowing cloud of red that traces her sinking body. She is utterly alone and none is going to offer a hand to save her, not now, not after everything she's done. She is well and truly beyond care.

As those lights overhead begin to dim and the world creeps away, something comes back to her. It was probably a result of shock, but she could have sworn the very last thing she saw before hitting the LCL was that Ayanami girl hovering above its surface and watching her with sad eyes.