Yeah, this chapter will eventually be slotted into the right place, i just need to write up those that come before it. I must warn you, this does deal with homosexualltiy so if you're someone who is uncomfortable with that, I would say that the latter part of this perticular chapter isn't for you.
Chapter : Say you won't care
Numbers and impossible figures roll across the laptop's screen in a torrent of jargon that even the best of us would find in-comprehendible. My fingers tread water above the key board but that's about as much as I can do asides watching it all fall apart. I try to swallow but my throat feels as though it's filled with glue as it dawns on me that this is it...
…Third Impact.
Welcome to the end of the world, Miss. Ibuki.
Down below the bridge, all hell's breaking lose. Even from up here, you can hear the frantic shouts of those who haven't been reduced to bullet ridden corpses trying to work out what the hell's going on while their computers go haywire. Before I get a chance to make out what it is they're yelling at each other, Makoto spins in his seat and barks across the room at me and Shigeru. My stomach turns as I see that he looks just as petrified as the N.E.R.V personal down there sound. Heck, I think we all are.
"Anti-AT Field critical limit exceeded!" He frantically jams a worrying hand through his short hair and just like me, he can't do a damn thing but sit back and count the seconds until…until…dear god, I don't even have a clue what's going to happen now. Has it really taken me this long to realize just how out of the loop we've all been kept?
"No!" Shigeru goggles at the man, ripping his eyes away from his own terrifying readings. "If this continues, individual life-forms will be unable to maintain their separate entities!"
Fuyutsuki mutters something behind me but I don't hear a single word of it as Shigeru's cry jams in my ears. My brain freezes up as the reality of his words hit home with enough force to make me want to hurl the contents of my stomach all over the sterile, spotless floor.
We're all going to die…
…Or at least something like it. After months on end of waging war with angles, we've all become used to the idea of death seeing as we've brushed with it more times that I'd like to think about. It's never really scared me though, unlike the sheer volume of blood we've washed our hands in to achieve that all important victory to ensure that Tokyo 3 (and maybe even the rest of the world) lives to see another day. All this time, its been things like the incident with the fourth child and the first test run of the dummy plug system that have kept me up at night…but never ever the fear of death.
I guess it's because we've never had to stare it quite so dead in the face because we've always had the children and those beastly EVA's to hide behind. I hate to admit it, but deep down, we've always know that they'd pull through, swinging us yet another grisly victory and even if they weren't around, there was always Doctor. Akagi. If it wasn't for her almost intimate knowledge of the MAGI system, we would have been utterly wiped out by the eleventh angel, Ireul, who came so very close to blowing us all sky high…
But now, for the very first time, we're on our own. The first child's become something beyond anything I can fathom and I don't even want to think about what SEELE's monsters did to poor Asuka. That was brutal, nobody could ever deserve to be killed… no, they didn't kill her, they desecrated that girl and yet again, all we could do was sitting by and watch helplessly. As for the third child? He's become the implement of our own destruction. He's been to hell and back, and we were the ones snapping the whip at his hide. After all he's seen, it's no wonder that he's chosen to turn his back on us…
That leaves Dr. Akagi… I didn't think I'd get to see her again after they hauled her away into solitary confident. They tried to hush up why she'd been put there, but even in an organization that practically breaths secrets there's the occasional slip of the tongue.
I almost couldn't believe it when the truth finally trickled out. I mean, Dr. Akagi always seemed so calm and in control, one of the most brilliant people I've ever met. Why would someone like that throw it all away by doing something utterly reckless such as destroying their own work, especially if they knew the consciences of it…
It just didn't make sense, but then again, Dr. Akagi had been arm deep in N.E.R.V's more dirty acts for a long time…
I wish she was still here-
BANG
I look up in time to see Makoto's uniform go limp as an explosion of orange seeps through it and tumbles onto the floor in a formless mass of liquid. My gut lurches yet again as the hair on the back of my neck goes ridged. The screams bellow our station rise to an all new pitch of naked fear along with the metallic reek of blood….wait, that's not blood…
Its LCL…This place stinks to high heaven of LCL.
That popping comes again and again as down below those who are left follow Makoto's example, but they might as well be reenacting the gun fight with S.E.E.L.E from the sound they make as they dissolve into primordial soup.
"ARRRRRGH!"
There's a scream, but this time only meters away. I jerk up only to see Shigeru frantically scramble underneath his counsel, but before I can say anything, there's a sickening pop. Seconds latter and there's a pool of watery orange slowly seeping across the floor, spreading out from beneath his abandoned computer.
He's gone.
"Professor?" I know by now that orders would be utterly pointless but I don't care. Is it really so wrong to pretend that someone can still take control of this chaos?
Fuyutsuki remains silent. I turn around praying that he'll tell me to do something, anything, but my eyes land on an empty spot save for the professor's damp and hollow cloths.
He's gone too…they've all gone, leaving me on my own and pretty soon, I'm going to be gone as well. I heave dryly, a hundred and one thoughts racing through my head and each one baying for answers louder than the last. Oh god, what the hell's going to happen to happen to us?
I look back to my laptop but if it knows the answers to all my questions, it's keeping them to itself. Instead, it throws more and more figures at me that read like a horror story, recounting how this isn't just some freak, localized incident, but happening absolutely everywhere.
"AT Fields... Everyone's AT Fields are disappearing…" I hear myself cry as the numbers roll by, but by now, I'm probably the only person who does. "Is this the answer? Is this what I was searching for?"
There's no one left to offer an answer to me as my question hovers in the empty, stagnant air that tastes of blood.
I feel so sick, sick with that awful smell and the fear.
Oh god, I just want someone to tell me what to do, to give me an order, to say that everything's going to be ok. I've never felt more alone in all my life…I'm so afraid. Look, I can't even control my fingers anymore. They're shaking so violently right now, they may as well have a life of their own.
Someone help me…PLEASE. Oh god, hel-
Unfamiliar warmth spreads across my back as something closes in around me, slipping around my sides and down my arms. My heart jars in my chest and the air tumbles down my throat in an ugly, fearful gasp. Is this it? Is this what all the others felt? Is it my time to go? I brace my self for that final explosion…but it never comes.
I look down as the feeling spreads and feel my eyes go wide as a pair of hands enclose around my own in a soft, warm embrace. Suddenly, my heart doesn't feel as though its about to explode in my chest from the naked fear that's sunk its teeth into me, and for the first time in a long time I feel safe, safe in this hold. Panic ebbs away as I feel those tender fingers lock around my own as if saying 'don't worry; it's going to be ok.' But even without saying these unheard words, they seem to care. Almost at once, I want these hands to rest there forever over my own, silently ensuring me that there's not a thing in the world that should bring me down…
But they move on to the keyboard and for a moment, I'm cold and alone again…though it's nowhere nearly as unbearable as before. I cling to them with my eyes as they leave me to dance across the keys with such elegance that they make typing an art. There's only one person in the world who could tap out words with such effortless grace…
"Dr. Akagi?" I ask the stranger behind me, watching the three simple words that scroll across the screen-
The world stops. I read them again a hundred times in the space of a second.
I-I-I can't believe it… Ritsuko Akagi, head scientist of N.E.R.V and so much more, would think that about me? Me…Why, I'm an inexperienced, bumbling novice compared to her. The work I do doesn't give me the right to even walk in her shadow…
"Maya…" I feel her breath on my neck as those arms draw my ridged body even tighter into the embrace, her touch silently willing me to relax. There's something so…so human and free about the way she holds me, it's so full of feeling and passion...I can't help but let my mind wonder.
Could…could she have possibly have meant those words she scrawled across my computer in a sense that wasn't just professional? Could she really feel that way towards me as a person, rather than just another faceless co-worker?
Don't be stupid. She could never… I'm just letting my imagination slip into a hopeful, shameful fantasy.
I guess that by now, with everything that's happening, there'd be no point in denying that what I feel for her is a little more than respect for one's superior. Oh no, my feelings have long since budded into something unnatural and…unhealthy, something that's just plain wrong in the eyes of most. No matter how hard I'd try to suppress it by sweeping those emotions that didn't belong off into some deep dark corner of my mind and turning my back on them, she'd always toss some trivial, empty complement for a job well done in my direction that would set them spiraling out of control once more.
No matter how hard I'd try to fight, they'd always take me with them.
You wouldn't believe the number of nights I've had where sleep has evaded me, leaving me to fret over what exactly it is I feel for her.
Is it love?
I-I don't know… but I do know that what I feel for her far more than simple admiration. After all, neither Mokoto nor Shigeru ever seemed to jump at the chance to work shift after shift for her with the suicidal enthusiasm I did. Neither of them ever seemed to light up inside quite as brightly as I at even the smallest word of praise Dr. Akagi threw… and above all else, I'm sure that neither of them would salvage each and every one, keeping it close to their heart and praying that it meant more than it did at face value…
It sounds pathetic, doesn't it?
Each time I found myself doing one of these stupid, stupid things, I'd always try to stop myself from diving straight into those feelings and letting them swallow me whole. Time and time again, I'd tell myself how much of an idiot I was for bending backwards at even her tiniest whim for just a grunt of acknowledgement. God, it's like some sort of addiction…and it would always tare me up inside to disappoint her.
So, I guess the question that I've been running from crops up yet again.
Maybe it is… each time I let my guard slip enough for those perverse wants and longings to creep in and fiddle with my thoughts, they'll always lingering on things I know they shouldn't, at least, not in anyone with normal interests-
But I always push it away, for no matter how comfortable the bubble of fantasy my intoxicated mind builds around me, it can never, ever be. First of all, in a world with a slowly decreasing population that wanes a little more every year a relationship like that could only lead down a very ugly path paved with hate and disgust, something I could never bring my self to inflict on her…
…Of course, that would be if she accepted me in the first place. Ha, like that would ever happen. Dr. Akagi's not like me, and I'm either too weak or not enough of a fool to try and kid myself into believing that her eyes could ever linger on the likes of I for longer than they should. So what do I do? I stay silent and just do my job, hoping to hear those words of praise that keep my world turning on its axis. It's better that way anyway, I supposed. I'm happy with just being someone she can rely on, and if I ever did pluck up the courage to say anything about the way I feel…well, she'd see me as some sort of sick freak and run a mile. I'd lose her forever, and just the prospect of that is enough to turn me cold…
I think I've just realized why I would never let my mind ride on this train of thought for too long before. The answer to the question I've been hiding from was all too easy to find and I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the revelation.
What would they think of me, no, even worse, what would she think of me? Ugh, how could they not see me as a freak…
Wait a minuet…why am I worrying about that? There's no one left to think anything anymore, except for one, lone person, and she just happens to be the one who matters the most…
And right now, she's holding me like I'm the only person in the world.
Something warm melts inside me. Could I let go of that fear for just one moment? Could I allow myself to finally except what it is I felt each time I'd look at her or hear her voice, or am I going to go out knowing I missed the one opportunity I had to express myself.
Her arms draw me in that little bit tighter and I can practically hear them willing me to let go.
Oh, to hell with it.
I let myself curl into her, and suddenly, I'm weeping with shameless joy. Before I can stop myself, I'm crying her name out over and over again.
"Ritsuko!"
She hugs me back and the ache that's been plaguing me lifts from my shoulders, freeing me from its unbearable weight.
"Ritsuko!"
I…I feel so happy! It's like there was something missing, a gap in my life into which this moment fits perfectly. I don't care what happens now… I've let myself live for once so I'd be happy to die like this, knowing that she accepted me, appreciated me, loved me.
"Ritsuko!"
Maybe now can I tell her those three words that have been clinging to the tip of my tongue since as long as I can remember knowing her but always denied…
"Ritsuko! I-"
8 8 8
There was a soft pop and then N.E.R.V head quarters finally sub came to total silence, the girl's final sentence remaining unfinished. Orange LCL ran down the screen of her lap top and traced lazy lines across the luminous surface, distorting the text as gravity pulled it down. There were however three, short words that still flickered through, as yet un-touched by the liquid.
'I need you'
But even these eventually disappeared under a trail of LCL.
A/N- well, thanks for taking the time to read this. I've never written something of this nature so I'm sure I still didn't pull this off as well as I could have.