Chapter 4

Eventually I was forced to leave my wallowing behind in my room and help rebuild Zion. Thankfully I was paired with Ghost as part of the search group. We were to go to the damaged parts of the city and to determine what would need to be done. Ghost knew more than I did about this so for most of the time I would just stand around while he would survey the damage. We never talked much for those first few days. Between us the conversation probably came to a total of thirty words. I felt awkward around him after what had happened in the training centre. I didn't know how he felt. He barely ever talked and when he did it wasn't for too long.

He looked at me, interrupting my chain of thought. "Something wrong."

I shook my head. "No not at all. Why do you ask?"

"You've been so quiet. You're normally quite the chatterbox."

"Well I've got a lot on my mind."

"Want to share?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I just think too much and everything just goes all hazy."

"I didn't know it possible to think too much."

"It depends on what you're thinking about." I sat down on a nearby chunk of rubble.

"Well what are you thinking about?"

I didn't say anything but I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him that I had been thinking about him and the other day. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted to tell him that I felt guilty for thinking about him when Axel hadn't been dead that long. God I'm screwed up.

"Devil." Ghost called to me.

I blinked. "It's nothing Ghost. Really. I'm fine."

"You're not you know. If you're thinking about the other day then I'm thinking about it too."

Damn! How did he always do that?

He continued on. "I love being with you. I love the way you smile into the distance when you think no one's watching you. I love the way that you push on even when you can barely stand up. And I loved holding you when you were crying because I could be with you when you needed someone the most. I love you…and I know that it's wrong because someone you loved just died."

Oh God. Help me for what I am about to do.

I grabbed him and kissed him.

When I let go, we were both breathless. I stumbled back and then I fled.

What in the name of Jesus did I just do?

That was what I kept asking myself as I paced the room. I was hiding in Binary's old room. I didn't want to come out. Why did I kiss him? Of all the stupid things I could have done I chose to kiss him. What in the name of God is wrong with me?

I could hear voices outside Binary's old room.

"Has anyone seen Devil? She's gone missing.

"Where did you see her last?"

"Down in sector 16B. She just took off. I don't know why."

"I haven't seen her but if I do Ghost I'll let you know."

I knew I couldn't hide from him forever but a little longer wouldn't hurt him. I crept around in the room and sat down on the bed. Binary had left most of her things untouched. The bed was unmade, there were some clothes that had been folded and left on top of her drawers. A beaded necklace sat on top of a metal jewellery box. It was like she had never really left.

The morning they had been called up to search for the Neb they would have left pretty quickly. I wonder if they had even considered that they weren't coming back? I know Binary would have. She was always very practical about these things. She knew every time the Vigilant left Zion there was always a great chance that we wouldn't come back. She never appeared to be sad about it though. She saw it as a way to show her appreciation to those who had freed her.

I didn't mind leaving Zion because I was always with Axel. Home was where he was. The day he died was the day I lost my home. And yet I didn't love him. I cared for him but I never did love him. Maybe if he had gotten a chance to come home I could have loved him.

I decided to go back to my quarters. I didn't know what the hell I was going to say to Ghost. I was always the 'act first, think later' type. It was a trait that had frequently gotten me into a lot of trouble in my short life. Hopefully he wouldn't see me.

Fat friggin chance! He was waiting for me outside my door.

"I knew you would come back here eventually." Ghost said with a smirk. "That was quite a kiss there young lady."

"Fine laugh at me." I snapped. "I'm going to have dinner and go to sleep. And for the record you're not that much older than me so quit calling me young lady. Who the hell do you think you are? My father?"

"I'm not here to laugh at you Devil. I wanted to see you. I wanted to give you something in return." He kissed me passionately. It was even stronger than the one I had given him.

"Damn." I whispered. "Damn." He stroked my blushing face.

"I love you. I'll see you tomorrow."

What is it with guys and telling me they love me?

I entered my room and closed the door behind me. "Fuck, shit, damn it and crap." Great. This was just great. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I liked him but I didn't know what I wanted from him. I didn't know if I wanted a relationship with him or anything. How the hell was I supposed to know?

I heated up some rations and sat down with them. What I needed right now was a good meal and a hot shower. Maybe a nap.

"Axel." I prayed. "Please tell me what to do."

I dreamed that night.

The young woman floats through time and space. She sees faces of those she loved long gone.

"Axel." She cries.

"Hey baby."

"Is it really you?"

"I'm here. Now what's wrong?"

"Ghost. I care about him but I don't' know if I should be with him. You just died over a week ago. What if I'm just using him?"

"You've always loved him. Even before we met you cared for him. Now stop being so stupid and be with him. Remember I love you. Good bye my Angel."

I awoke covered in sweat. Angel had been his nickname for me. Axel had always said that even though I considered myself to be a Devil I was truly an angel.

Did I love Ghost? I didn't know. I never trusted my dreams mostly because they never made sense to me. But this one was loud and screamingly clear. It had been Axel. That much I was sure of. But how could I trust what I didn't completely believe?

I thought about Ghost. He always seemed so indifferent but I knew that he wasn't. I remember when I met him. He had an aura about him. It had felt like death. He had earned the name 'the dead man' because of his deadly fighting skills but I knew that he wasn't really like that.

"The dead man." I whispered to myself.

I see love between you and a dead man.

Ghost. He was the dead man. The man I loved was a dead man. But he wasn't dead, at least not to me.

I left my room and ran like hell to his quarters. I had to see him. I didn't know why. It was like something had possessed me. I had never been in love my whole life. Twenty-two years and I had never been in love. I didn't know if the way I was feeling was normal.

I pounded on his door. When he didn't answer I pounded again. Finally he opened the door. When he did I just stood there gaping.

"Devil are you okay?"

I didn't answer I just flung my arms around him and held him tightly. "Please let me stay. I don't want to leave you ever."

"What made you change your mind?"

"I don't know. But I love you Ghost. You know what I love about you? I love that you can stay so focused even when the world's falling to pieces around you. I love it when you smile because you almost never do. I love the way you watch me when you think I can't see you because that's exactly they way I watch you. I love you Ghost."

I chose to shut up at that moment because quite frankly I had nothing else to say. I lowered my head. He caressed my face in the darkness. I looked up at him not knowing what to say. But maybe I didn't need to say anything else.

"Are you mine?" He asked me breaking the silence.

"I was yours from the moment we met."

That night we didn't do anything but lie together. Okay maybe make out but that's all I swear. Damn he can kiss I'll tell you that.

The next morning I could hear Niobe yelling outside his room.

"Ghost get your ass out here now."

"What does she want?" I asked him.

Ghost shrugged. "Oh wait I said I'd go have breakfast with her and Morpheus."

"Are they together again?"

"Apparently."

"Well I'll go back to my quarters and get something to eat. I'll probably see you later."

He grabbed me and circled his arms around my waist. "No come with me."

"Ghost!"

"Hold on a sec."

I looked at him. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Alright."

We opened the door together. Niobe who had been lifting her hand to start pounding on the metal again stopped in shock.

"Good morning captain." I greeted her.

For a few seconds Niobe didn't say anything. Eventually she opened her mouth to speak. "Do you want to come with us?"

Ghost, myself, Niobe and Morpheus sat around a table that had been set up in the gardens. We were eating in silence. I didn't know what to say to her. She probably thought I was slut or something. Morpheus was giving Ghost a look that said 'nice one' which amused me. Niobe cleared her throat. "So Ghost how long has this been going on?"

"A few days."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"You should've said something. God knows we need something cheery to talk about around here."

"Niobe didn't you want to tell Ghost something?" Morpheus asked, nudging her.

"Oh that." She put her fork down onto her plate and sighed. "They found the Logos. She's not in the best shape but they can fix her."

"Did they find anything else?" Ghost demanded.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what."

Niobe looked down at her plate. "They found her too. But they couldn't find Neo. But he probably didn't survive either."

I saw a look of pain come across his face. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders.

"I see."

"I'm sorry Ghost."

"No it's okay. We were bound to find out sooner or later." He stood up. "I'm going back to my quarters. Devil, come with me."

When we had closed the door to his quarters he stood facing the back wall, not saying anything. I looked down on the ground.

"Ghost please say something, anything."

But he didn't say anything. I wasn't sure of what to do. I just sat down on his bed contemplating the whole situation.

"I know she's dead now." I looked up. He was facing me.

"I assumed she was but they found her body. I kept hoping they would find her alive even though I knew it wasn't possible. But she's really dead and she won't come back.

"I'm sorry Ghost."

"Everybody's sorry but there's not a damn thing they can do about it."

"What do you want me to do? I can't bring her back and neither can you Ghost. Don't forget I lost my friends too. I know how you feel. Please don't shut me out."

"Just go Devil. Please just get out." He snapped

I did so but I cried as I walked down to Binary's old quarters. I didn't want to go back to mine. He would know where I was. I didn't want to particularly talk to him right now. I know he was grieving but I was too. You didn't see me lashing out at everyone else.

I was so tired. I slept on the old bed. I knew that someone would probably find me here but I didn't care about that. I just wanted to be alone now. I covered myself up with the old blankets and slept. My dreams were a series of nonsensical images and words. I didn't pay much attention to them. When I awoke I had a blinding headache and generally felt like crap. My mother used to say that the more troubled you felt when you went to sleep the worse you would feel after. Boy was she right.

I couldn't hide from my troubles forever. Wait a minute! Yes I could. Who said I had to talk to him again? Oh wait I did. Crap! To be honest I was confused and pissed off. Trust me when I say that's not a good state to be in. You're angry but you have no idea what about. That's just weird.

"Devil get out of there now." I could hear Ghost pounding on the door.

How in God's name did he find me?

I rolled my eyes and went to open the door.

"I would advise you to make any explanation that you are about to give me phenomenally good." I said with a slight touch of acid in my voice.

"Would an apology be a good way to start?"

"Yes it would be."

"In that case I apologise for being a complete ass."

At that point my anger with him melted. I really hate when that happens. I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to feel like that. That's why anger is dangerous. It can be very addictive because of the adrenaline rush.

"I suppose I should say that I forgive you." I replied. "I do you know. But what next? What's going to happen to us?"

"What do you want to happen?"

"I want to be with you always."

"I want that too."

"Then what are we doing here Ghost?"

"We're fighting like a real couple would."

"So we're a couple now?"

"You said it yourself. The day we met you were mine. It's just a matter of admitting it to ourselves and to everyone else. Unless you don't want to be with me."

"I do want to be with you Ghost. I love you."

"I love you too."

Finally I gave in and kissed him. Life's too short to be fighting all the time. Sometimes you just need to be with the people you love and that's enough. Well at least it was enough for me.