Long Hair Is A Bad Idea
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Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
For anyone who reads it, the next chapter to the Mary-Sue parody should be up very shortly. I just suddenly got this idea when my internet was acting up and, thus,a one-shot was born.
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Mary-Sue was beautiful, and that was an understatement. All were ugly old hags in comparison to her. But though she was beautiful (and she knew it), she was not egotistical or vain. She had a beautiful personality to match her beautiful exterior. Everyone loved Mary-Sue, especially Legolas. Poor Legolas had been drugged the day before meeting her.
But, besides the drugs, it was true love! Legolas especially loved her long, beautiful hair. Not to mention shiny; yes, it was very shiny. And it never got knotted or tangled, even though Mary-Sue was an amazing warrior and practiced daily, even though she went horseback riding all the time. Yes, Mary-Sue had wonderful hair. The wonderful-ness of her hair inspired her to name it.
She named it Acetaminophen. Yes, like the stuff in Tylenol. Except Mary-Sue had always had trouble with Sindarin, thinking she could just make it up as she went along. So in her world, Acetaminophen meant 'beautiful and strong'. This naming of her hair had utterly confused Legolas, and had lead him to believe that she was even more of a fruitcake.
He was promptly given more drugs.
Now, Mary-Sue and Legolas lived happily together for a long time. Well, happily on Mary-Sue's part, Legolas was taken more of less kicking and screaming (when he wasn't sedated). Mary-Sue loved Legolas, Legolas was disgusted with her. It was a win-lose relationship, but Mary-Sue was too stupid to see his utter hatred. Legolas, being the smooth talker that he was, would just say "umm… later maybe" and run away when Mary-Sue talked about marriage… strange. Who would not want to spend the rest of their immortal life with Mary-Sue?
One day, there was talk of a band of orcs nearby. Legolas went to help fight, and being the amazing warrior that she was, Mary-Sue also went to help.
Mary-Sue was, as I believe I already mentioned, an amazing warrior. She had never needed a teacher or lessons, it had just come naturally. She could use any weapon imaginable, and one time she even fashioned one out of an empty Pepsi bottle, an elastic band and a rock. Eye-witness reports say that she didn't, and that she just ran away, but she insists that she did. I believe Mary-Sue since she's so perfect, and why would anyone that perfect lie?
So Mary-Sue had her armour on, and had mounted her horse, and she was ready to go. Her hair blew dramatically in the wind, as she refused to tie back Acetaminophen, since it was just too beautiful. Legolas looked on very confused, as there wasn't even a hint of a breeze that day.
Nonetheless, the two were riding out to battle soon enough. Yes, only the two. Mary-Sue had gotten it into her head that she was so good a warrior that she didn't need any help. Except for Legolas, who came with her of course, because she loved him.
Once the orcs where in sight, Mary-Sue charged forward instantly, without taking the time to even form the outlines of a plan, not that it would have done much good with only two of them. But not even so much as a 'you go left, I'll go right'. Legolas shrugged and kept his distance, preferring to use a bow than to get in the middle of forty angry orcs. Besides, the worst that could happen was that Mary-Sue would die. Oh, what a travesty, he would be liberated- I mean robbed- of this horrible, insane young woman who was convinced of her love for him and his for her. Oh, what a tragedy.
Meanwhile, Mary-Sue was fairing quite well. She'd killed seven already, and had not a single scratch. She smiled, beginning to get a bit full of herself. This was too easy, or so she thought.
Suddenly, she was jerked backwards. She turned to see an orc with a firm grip on Acetaminophen! Glaring at him, she tried to pull away, but that only caused her more pain. She was about to attack the orc who had captured Acetaminophen, but in one clean movement, he pulled hard on her hair and lobbed off her head.
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And this is why you should never give your Mary-Sue long hair, or at least tie it back and quit about the blowing in the wind crap. Of course, you weren't going to make a Sue in the first place, were you?
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Epilogue
Legolas, watching from the sidelines, threw down his bow and ran towards the fallen Mary-Sue. He looked down at her still body, then to her head, and then to the orc that had killed her.
"Are you sure that she's dead?" He asked, nudging her body with his foot. The orc gave him a look.
"Look, buddy, there's her body, and there's her head. I'm pretty sure she's dead."
"Yes," Legolas continued. "But she has this nasty habit of coming back to life."
"Whatever," the orc said, rolling his eyes. He raised his hand and a flaming arrow came whizzing, impaling itself into Mary-Sue's body. Then another came forth, this time landing in her head.
"Alright, fine," Legolas said, fishing about in his pocket. "How much do I owe you?"
"Normally I'd say twenty bucks, but since this was a Sue, ten."
"You're a good man- I mean orc." Legolas said, handing over two five dollar bills.
"Right, here's my card." The orc handed him a business card, then stuffed the money in his pocket. Legolas glanced at it, 'You name it; we kill it.'
"Nice," he said, pocketing the card. "I'll be sure to call you soon; these things just keep popping up."
"Right," the orc said. "Well, we're off."
"Good bye, and thanks again." Legolas watched as they left. Once he could no longer see then, he sighed in relief, but his calm mood was quickly shattered.
"Oh Leggy…" came a female voice. He'd never heard it before, but knew all too well what it was. He glanced over his shoulder at the approaching girl, then turned to the direction the orcs had went in.
"Wait for me!"