VERISIMILITUDE
CHAPTER 5: A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY
by: Elle Chant
oh beautiful angel, why do cry
flowing deep into the chasms below
why so aware only of your own pain
don't you know tears fall from my eyes for you?
Tomoyo was lying down on a meadow where the ground felt soft like myriad of rose petals showered upon it and varnished the earth. The sky was mellow and hazy and the sun didn't feel warm at all but cool and light with the breeze tickling her face with her hair.
It was a little corner in her mind she visited often when she was asleep, the private place where she could hope freely and love absolutely without qualms or measures.
"Tomoyo-chan," A soft voice whispered. Tomoyo opened her eyes.
There she was, Sakura with her beautiful face and sweet smile sitting beside her. She wore a long gauzy white dress much like her own. It fluttered with the wind like water and sparkled under the sunlight.
"Sakura-chan," She said.
She smiled. "Wake up Tomoyo-chan."
"I don't want to." Tomoyo said. She knew this. Every time she was with her, Sakura knew Tomoyo wanted to stay here forever.
"But you have to be ready," She said.
"Ready for what?"
Sakura brushed the hair out of her face and trailed her fingers over her form. It lingered along her neck until it descended on her bare midriff, her soft hands caressing her softly.
"To laugh," She said. "To cry," She shook her head. "To love.."
"To get hurt" Tomoyo finished.
"Yes," Sakura said, "To feel pain and owe up to all that."
Sakura's fingers tilted Tomoyo's chin and her hand elevated her neck. Slowly, she lowered her head to hers and kissed her.
The sensation was nice and exquisite. Sakura's lips were soft against her own. It tasted like warm honey and lemons.
"To hope" She breathed as the kiss ended.
"Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo said. The kiss, as pleasant as it was seemed different. It represented greetings or goodbye, lust or passion, friendship or trust but the fireworks that burst in the inside of her eyelids were gone. It told her that the dream wasn't real. That she was missing something more. That it was, after all a fabrication of her own mind.
But the feeling was simply gone and it merely felt like a dream not a desire.
"I don't want to hurt you Tomoyo-chan" Sakura said.
"Are you leaving me?"
"I think," She said and her green eyes were clear and lovely very much like the Kinomoto Sakura she knew. "That you want me to."
Tomoyo's eyes opened.
She glanced at her watch: 7:45 am. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and raised her head from its nestled position in her arms. She straightened up and gave a yawn while looking at the empty classroom around her. It had been the third time this week that she had fallen asleep on her desk while doing school work that she had failed to do the night before. She would go to school in the early hour of the morning, do her assignments then fall asleep. Extracurricular activities and responsibilities in the student council had prevented her from focusing on her academic work at home so she ended up doing the most of it in school.
She stood up and stuffed all of her things inside her book bag seeing that she had fifteen minutes left to get to class on time. She headed for the door and left the classroom, closing the lights as she went out.
The hallways were still filled with students as the bell hasn't rung yet. She walked down the corridor towards her class, feeling a bit tired. She was almost certain the fatigue had taken its toll as the dark marks under her eyes or the slight frizz in her hair. She sighed and ran an unconscious hand through it.
"Tomoyo-chan!" A cheerful voice rang out as soon as she opened her classroom's door.
"Ohayo Sakura-chan," She smiled.
"Where were you? Oh! You fell asleep again down the empty classroom didn't you?" She said as the other girl placed her book bag on her desk. A worried frown marred her face. "Tomoyo-chan you're working too hard."
"I'm fine" Tomoyo smiled at her. She sat down on her chair. "It was just a long night yesterday."
"Hmm," Sakura said. She looked at her and Tomoyo could feel that she was probably gauging the dark circles around her eyes. "All right, one Saturday I am going to treat you out and you are going to relax. No arguments. We're going out probably watch a musical since you like musicals or go to an exhibit or probably just get ice cream but you are going to take a day off, okay?"
"Yes, mother" Tomoyo said.
Sakura playfully glowered at her then brightened as she waved at somebody behind her.
"Eriol-kun, ohayo!"
Tomoyo froze.
"Good morning, Sakura-san," Eriol Hiiragizawa came up behind her on his desk and smiled at them. "Tomoyo-san" He added.
"Ohayo, Hiiragizawa-kun" She said softly.
Despite being quite close the start of the semester, she and Eriol sort of drifted apart these last few weeks. Her schedule became erratic and hectic she barely had time for anyone much less visit his house. He in turn didn't invite her again; it sort of started from there. They saw less and less of each other and only came in contact during the brief moments in class or student council meetings. The song that she had promised to help him with was slowly forgotten with the days of afternoon tea in the Reed Manor. Now, every allowed conversation was polite, distant and a bit awkward.
"Where's Xiao Lang? He asked.
"He's excused from class today." Sakura said. "It's preparation for the Inter high school Soccer competition so he'll be gone for most of the week."
"We'll be lonely and desolate without him." Eriol said.
"I'll be sure to pass that on" Sakura said dryly.
Tomoyo felt like an outsider intruding upon a conversation between old friends. She turned her face away and reached for her notebook and opened on the page about quartiles.
But she knew Eriol Hiiragizawa was too courteous no matter what circumstances they were in. He cocked his head slightly in her direction, a gesture that he was including her in their conversation. He was like her in small surprising ways that it was almost predictable.
"How about you Daidouji-san?" He said, reverting back to calling her with her last name. "How's Choir?"
She fixed him a face that showed polite interest. "It's fine. We're learning new songs and quite a different genre from what we used too. The change is nice."
"Yes, that's good to hear." He said. Her expression was reflected against his own.
A moment of silence passed between them and she could feel the weight of the air on her palm. What Sakura was said next faded into the background even as she tried to listen. She could feel Eriol's presence heavily beside her and was painfully aware of the small gestures he was making. It was a small comfort that she knew he felt the same or maybe she'd like to think. She shook her head in disgust.
"Tomoyo-chan, is something wrong?"" She heard Sakura's voice like it was from a mile away.
She looked up and forced a smile on her face. "of course not."
Sakura looked like she wanted to ask more. Her brows creased a little at Tomoyo's answer.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure."
If she wanted to ask Tomoyo any more, she couldn't as the bell rang and Terada sensei entered the room and class soon started.
Thank god for small mercies.
Something was going to change. Eriol barely listened to Yamazaki during break time and watched Sakura from the corner of his eye. She looked the same, her eyes lighted merrily at everything Tomoyo said while she emphasized her words with small hand gestures. She didn't seem that glum with Xiao Lang gone but then again maybe he was being too objective but she and her boyfriend rarely parted when he came back from Hong Kong.
No, that wasn't it. He reached down inside himself to search for some connection with the sorceress but after a tinge of magical power he realized he didn't need to.
He glanced at Sakura again and observed the change in her countenance like something was there that didn't used to be before or something had always been there that only now she acquiesced to show. He looked at her deeper, almost seeing through her with his sorcerer's eye.
Then he merely reverted back to being Eriol. He found it and now it was apparent at least to him.
Clarity
The skylight glinted on the polished surface of the grand piano that sat in the middle of the auditorium's stage. It was dim when Tomoyo walked in the grand doors and slowly felt her way on the isles, her hand using the side row seats for support. Aside from the music room where she hung out often, the school's auditorium was a place where she usually finds solitude. There is something bitterly appealing about something so big and empty.
She reached the front row and sat down on a seat, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. Soft shadowy silhouettes of the drapery curtains and mahogany wood furnishings stood out as distinct outlines against the walls. With a sigh, she closed her eyes.
Then suddenly, the piano began to play.
The notes were soft and melodic, a reminiscent of the more mellow of classical symphonies.. The deft and precision of the player rang a familiarity in Tomoyo's mind.
"Hiiragizawa-kun," She said to the darkness.
A low light began to glow inside the auditorium and she could finally see him seated on the piano bench. His pale skin sharply stood out from all the dark and blacks in the background.
"Daidouji-san," He said and the music stopped. He turned and faced her.
"I'm sorry" She said. "I didn't know anyone else was here."
"Not necessary" He waved an impatient hand. "I was secluded. I could not fault you for not knowing."
It seemed surreal the way she said his name to nothing and he came out, still. It was like perpetually being tied in limbo. A strange magical undercurrent ran inside the room with the sheer force of his presence.
There was that pause of silence again.
Tomoyo took a deep breath.
"How is Akizuki-san and Spinel-san?"
If anything, Eriol looked startled but he recovered quickly.
"They're fine." He said.
"I'm glad." Tomoyo smiled.
It was silent again but it was more contemplative than awkward.
"How about Choir?" Eriol asked. "How are you doing?"
"I'm doing great." Tomoyo said. "I'm a little tired from all the practices combined with school work but I'm getting along."
"That's good." Eriol said.
If only other people could read the nuances of their words. It was heavy in volume yet light and pleasant to hear. They were never the people for direct approaches.
"I hear that our music teacher has been hunting you down to help train his music class." She said and stood up straighter in her seat.
How are you, really?
"Well, my brilliance hasn't failed me yet. I say my reputation precedes me." He said and pressed a random key in the piano. It was light and sad.
I'm quite well, thank you.
"Well if ever it helps, the pieces are good this year and the new batch is exceptionally talented."
I don't know what to say around you anymore. I can't even manage a decently polite conversation.
"It's fine." Eriol said. He gave her a small smile.
Tomoyo stood up and brushed her skirt. "I'd better be going. I'm going to be late for Home Economics class."
"Daidouji-san?"
Wait.
"I remember, the last time I was in class with you, we baked a pie. Our classmates finished it in about ten seconds and the teacher wasn't even able to grade it." He looked at her, his eyes amused. "I advise you to hide yours today in the cupboard next to the oven. That's what I did."
She laughed lightly." Yes, you're amazing culinary skills. What did you make then?"
"Tiramisu"
What happened? Are we still friends?
Something constricted inside her chest. It was a strange foreign feeling. She didn't like it.
She smiled. It was too distant, too brief. The coldness of her actions nearly brought her to tears. What am I doing?
"So it is. I'd better go. I'll see you around."
"Yes, see you."
She waved and headed off, her steps ringing loud in the nearly empty room.
I don't know.
It was two o'clock in rather frigid Friday afternoon that Tomoyo met with Sakura outside the art museum down town. Her best friend had kept her promise or more appropriately, command that she would let Tomoyo have a decent day of relaxation. Sakura smiled from the top of her striped yellow and orange turtleneck poncho, her face flushed from the cold breeze and held out a cup of hot chocolate for Tomoyo.
"When I said ice cream, I didn't take the weather into consideration" She said.
"Hmm, cocoa?" Tomoyo smiled.
"With pink marshmallows"
"You know what I like," She said.
The two girls entered the gallery, their heels clicking on the marble floor. It was bright with despite the coldness in the air. The sun shone through the glass sky light, glinting the polished floors, lending itself to soft repose.
They made their rounds, Sakura cheerily complimenting the contemporary artists' work while Tomoyo nodded her assent. They stopped on one wall, near the glass aquarium and looked at the mural painted on the wall.
"Verisimilitude" Sakura said the artwork's name softly.
"The appearance of being true or real," Tomoyo said. She skimmed over the paintings melancholy blues, silvers and dark violets. It showed beauty woven from cold desolate pieces.
"It's amazing, ne Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura said.
"Yes," Tomoyo glanced over her shoulder and saw the exit a few feet away. She felt a sudden overwhelming urge to step outside and feel the sun beat on her face.
"Sakura-chan," She said tugging the other girl's arm. "Let's go and sit somewhere."
"You want to go to the park?" Sakura said. "Its a few blocks from here."
"Okay,"
Both girls exited the museum and headed towards the nearby park. Sakura spotted a large tree with a wooden bench underneath and skipped towards it. She giggled as a leaf fell and landed on her hair.
"Thank you," Tomoyo said and sat next to her.
"For what?"
"For this," She giggled as a bunch of leaves fell near their feet. "I don't think I remember slowing down and smell the flowers and all that"
"You just looked so tired," Sakura said. "And if working too hard makes you unhappy then maybe you should stop for a while,"
Tomoyo looked startled. "What makes you think I'm sad?"
Sakura shrugged. "The look on your face and that's saying something since I don't get to see you that often."
Tomoyo nodded. "I see"
They were both quiet for a while. Tomoyo could see a few ducks wading on the pond ahead while a few children flew kites and played ball on the bank. The wind flew down and rippled the water, crumpling its reflection of the sky while a few toy sails floating on the water quickened their pace.
"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura said. "If you don't mind me asking,
"Yes?" She answered absent mindedly.
"What happened?"
"To what?"
"Eriol-kun"
Tomoyo's eyes stilled on the distance before she caught herself and looked at Sakura.
"What do you mean?"
"Well," Sakura said. "You two were sort of close at the start of the year and then I don't see you together that much anymore and well…" She paused. "Tomoyo-chan"
Tomoyo shook her head. "We just drifted apart that's all."
"But you're still friends?"
"Of course we are. We just don't get to spend as much time together."
"Did you know that half the female population hated you during those months?" Sakura said.
"What?"
Sakura giggled. "Well, not hated exactly but you have to realize how popular Eriol-kun is and he was conveniently available the whole duration of high school until you two got together."
Tomoyo half smiled then laughed herself. "We were never together."
"It didn't look that way," Sakura said, "And you know why I said only half? The other portion apparently accepted it. They would have hated any other girl but since it's you then they just let it go."
"I'm flattered." Tomoyo said dryly.
Sakura grinned. "Still, are you sure nothing happened?"
"No, nothing."
Sakura turned her head and looked at her. "Okay,"
She suddenly got curious. "Why?" What's wrong?"
"Nothing" Sakura said. "It's just that during that time I saw that you were happy, one of the happiest I've seen you in a long time." She shrugged some leaves that fell on her shoulder. "And if ever there was something, then with the way things are now, it would be kind of… regretful since you just don't let go of things that make you happy like that."
Tomoyo swallowed the lump that formed inside her throat. She could suddenly feel the hardness of the ground beneath her feet and the soft blowing of the breeze on her hair. Her hands felt fragile and soft like if she dug her nails more on her palm, it would draw blood.
"But I am happy," She said and her voice sounded strangely light.
"Are you sure?"
"I told you, your happiness is my happiness" Tomoyo smiled at her but it was a smile made of glass. Something you could break.
Sakura reverted her eyes towards the ground. Her hair was glinting under the sunlight and her skin was glowing pink from the cold. When she looked back up her eyes were unbelievably green. If there were tears, it would look like crystals underwater.
Verisimilitude
"I know" Sakura said, her voice was gentle and hesitant. "I know."
They sat in silence.
"Let's get indoors," Tomoyo said wrapping her coat more around herself. "It's getting chilly."
She stood up but stopped when Sakura didn't budge.
"Sakura-chan?"
"I'm sorry, I-"She said then took a deep breath. "Oh god, I'm an insensitive clod."
"Sakura, what-"
She held up a hand and Tomoyo ceased talking. "I knew to some extent I did but I never… I thought…."
Tomoyo stood rooted on her spot standing in front of her best friend.
"Tomoyo-chan, are you happy?"
Tomoyo's eyebrows creased. "Yes,"
"Even when Syaoran came back?"
Then she felt the cold. It was like being doused with ice water. The thudding inside her chest grew faster then everything became clear.
Tomoyo felt Sakura clasp her hands but her mind was elsewhere. It was falling and the sounds of Sakura's voice telling her in veiled yet clear truths that she knew that Tomoyo loved her. That she knew the secret pain she carried with her all these years and years and she was apologizing for them now. For loving her so much yet not in the way Tomoyo wanted her too.
"I'm sorry," Sakura said. "I'm sorry for everything."
In novels, this is where the heroine feels like the world had stopped. All life forms just wilted and died and the sky had turned into blackness, the sun abandoning its charge. This, she imagined is what pain is suppose to feel like.
But the world kept on turning and the sky was still blue with the leaves falling around them.
She listens as Sakura, her beloved Sakura-chan talks to her while her green eyes brim with tears. She was sorry so very sorry.
I don't want to hurt you Tomoyo-chan
It was then when warm droplets of water fell on her hand that she realized she was crying too.
Hiiragizawa Eriol let the door of the Café Mocha Princess slide behind him. He took a tentative sip of his coffee gauging its temperature. It was still too warm.
The sidewalk was nearly empty since it was nearing midnight and the only lights were the flecks of street lamps that went all the way into the distance. The air was cool like all nightly breezes and the moon was high up in the sky. Eriol walked.
A figure was sitting on the bench near one of the lamp posts up ahead. The light was bright yet it hid the figure in the shadows of the building behind. He walked closer and his eyes widened.
"Daidouji-san?"
The figure raised her head and her shift of movement let the light show her face. He saw that her face was pale and streaked with dry tears. It looked like she was crying for hours.
She took a step back. "Oh, I'm sorry I-" She fumbled on her words between her sobs.
"Are you all right?" He took a step towards her and he saw her eyes widened. She stilled.
"I'm fine," Her voice went blank as she tried to reclaim her bearings. Her voice was still shaky
He sat down next to her and looked straight ahead. A car passed by them, its headlights a momentary flash before disappearing again. The wind picked up and the leaves on the street flew by them.
After a while Eriol reached inside his pocket and drew out a handkerchief. He held it out wordlessly to her.
After a moment he felt her take it.
"I'll stay here." He said softly. "Unless you want me to go, all right?"
He did not wait for a response. They stayed silent for a couple of seconds.
Then he heard a small sob and he turned his head and saw Tomoyo crying silently on his handkerchief, her hair hiding most of her face. Her shoulders shook and her lithe frame curled around itself.
She looked up at him. "Sakura-chan…" She choked. She needs not to continue.
He understood, realization slowly settled in before a wave of sympathy came over him. He moved closer and tentatively held out his arms and embraced her. She stiffened for a second then felt her shoulders relax and settle in the embrace.
Then they were like that, out in the street in the dead of the night. Just a boy holding a girl who cried in his arms and for that moment that was it: grief, friendship, pain and solace while the rest of the world faded away.
Author's note:
I am so sorry for the long wait. Just had a wonderful vacation near sandy beaches, irresistibly cute boys with sexy smiles and drowningly charming laughs (yet so unavailable), drinking herbal chocolate, jumping of bridges and swimming in rivers. oh and swinging from one tree to the next over a deep barge. (ala ziplining) but i hope you like this chapter. it has been my favorite so far. do you guys go to fictionpress? the font the staff changed it to is horrendous. god. i was happy when it was just TNR in that sophisticated small size. (don't like verdana either but we all can cope can we?) : )
oh and i might have had a musical education in classical music but sadly i cannot remember them o if tomoyo's thought of "early classical symphonies" is wrong feel free to correct me and if you have a suggestion of a piece i might put there it will be welcome. (like brahm's symphony or mozart that fits eriol's playing as "soft and melodic")
reviews are welcome. as always :)