Title: SHIFT Chapter 10: THURSDAY MORNING 2 Author: calciumyeah
Summary: Slash. LukeSeth, RyanSeth. Ch 10 picks up where we left off, but it's largely a flashback...a long one.
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Seth's hand stopped moving immediately, but it took his brain a moment to catch up. Something was completely wrong with that last sentence; now what the hell was it?
Oh yeah. Ryan. Straight.
"Well, then this must be very awkward for you," Seth intended to sound witty— flippant even. But it just came out all kinds of dry. He lifted himself into a sitting position and swung his legs off of the bed. Ryan lifted an eyebrow as Seth propelled himself across the room and stood, leaning against a wall as far away from Ryan as possible. Ryan giggled.
"I'm sorry. Did you just giggle?" Seth's indignation was partially genuine. Ryan sat up as he shook his head, eyes downcast. "Yes. Yes. Well, I'm glad to see the comic relief we know and love is still working nicely for you, Ryan. You just—."
"You didn't have to fling yourself across the room."
"Yeah, well, I just wanted to take things to the most extreme level of awkwardness that I could possibly make happen short of having my parents come in here..."
"Yeah."
"Yeah. I might be wanting to go upstairs right now and actually attempt to not look like I slept down here last night," Seth headed for the door.
"Be interesting to hear the excuse you come up with for that."
Seth mumbled to himself as he opened the pool house door, "Not as interesting as I wish." He thought he could faintly hear Ryan saying something like "Probably more interesting than the truth", but put it out of his mind.
Realizing he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten, Seth grabbed a jar of applesauce from the kitchen before going upstairs. Funny. This all started with applesauce, if he remembered correctly.
FLASHBACK
He'd had a portable cup of Mott's applesauce. And maybe they had just started some new flavors or promotions like Peach-Apple or throwing the Simpsons on the package, but he remembered seeing the commercial and really wanting it for some reason.
It was April, one month before Kal, four months before Ryan, and the school was in the midst of Spring Fashion Week. Seth was unsure how exactly the week was different from any others, and he had no idea what supposed purpose was being served, but he had the privilege of living next door to Social Chair. That position apparently involved using your house as a BMW parking lot and receiving eight fashion magazines a month. Yes, he'd counted. He was extremely bored. Summer was over, and she didn't go over there as much as you'd think a best friend would. Then again, Julie Cooper... So, the real reason he'd gone outside was to casually wave 'hi' to Summer when she arrived, but that went embarrassingly awful and he'd chosen to remove his face from the bush and keep walking before she actually noticed him.
Newport wasn't exactly a just-'round-the-corner kind of city. After at least 20 minutes of walking, Seth realized that he was expending a lot of energy for nothing and should probably pick a destination. It just so happened that the first place he came to was a small market specializing in the illusion of healthy eating. Anything that even remotely appeared to be fruit based was in there. And thus, he came upon a case of portable Motts applesauce.
(scene)
He hadn't even thought about eating any until he passed his old middle school on the aimless walk back. They'd served applesauce there too. He'd gotten some poured down his shirt the first day of sixth grade. Bad way to make a good first impression. He paused in front of the building and edged closer to it realizing that this was were he'd truly learned he didn't want to belong here. He'd known he was a bit of an outcast before that, but that school just showed him that he really disliked everything Newport stood for. Maybe he liked the school after all; it had been where he'd found his identity after all.
He wriggled a cup loose from the plastic bag, tore the aluminum top off, and began drinking from the plastic cup.
Applesauce was all over his mouth. Like a baby or something. It would always stand out to him, all that applesauce on his face, because it must have been a lot. It had to have been a lot to inspire somebody to just come over and lick it.
Because that's what he did. Luke. Out of nowhere. Seth never found out why he was there. And it's funny because until then, Luke wasn't exceptionally different from any other bully, from any other jock, any other student or resident. Until then.
He'd cupped Seth's head first, with his left hand and just ran his tongue along Seth's lips, back and forth until the applesauce was gone. Then he left.
What are you supposed to take from that? I mean, what the hell are you supposed to take from that? Except that now, Luke's an exception. He's a little bit meaner, a little bit louder, hits just a little bit harder than everybody else. Visits his girlfriend. Seth goes outside to watch him leave his girlfriend. And he waves to Luke as if he's Summer. The difference being that while Summer just overlooks him, it's not malicious—she just doesn't see him. Luke always sees him, and he insults him and sneers at him and Seth wonders what the hell that one day was about.
(scene)
Waiting by the bushes one day, Seth abruptly wonders why the hell he's out there.
Seth, his brain says, why are you standing in the rain waiting to be insulted?
Brain, is what Seth says, I think I might be just a little bit masochistic.
I think you have a crush.
Seth did not answer his brain. Luke seemed to materialize out of nowhere. Seth didn't attempt a 'hi'. They shared a really weird stare as Luke headed to his car...that was always parked down here, never up the drive. Seth started following Luke towards the car. He felt like a puppy. Luke never looked back, but Seth could see he was grinning sadistically as he opened the car door. What do you know— S&M together again. Luke sat in the car and looked at him standing in the rain then laughed in his face. He apparently couldn't stop laughing.
"Oh, you fucking wish." Luke reminded Seth of a big toothy hyena as he sped off on the soaking wet pavement. Seth figured it was probably bad to try mentally willing someone over a cliff. He also figured that Luke was a little insane.
(scene)
A few days later, Seth's gym class was engaged in some sort of a torturous mixture of dodge ball, sprinting, and Red Light Green Light. It went by in a blur of legs and plastic whizzing by his head. He didn't want to be there.
He made his way along the wall, heading for the "bathroom" and having no intention of returning. Luke was blocking the door. Luke. Who wasn't in his gym class. Okaaay.
There was no eye contact, but Seth knew Luke would follow him out. Luke's reason for following him out...that was something he was pretty sure even Luke didn't know at that point. Seth never turned around as he heard the sequence of doors opening and closing behind him. He walked through the locker-room, bypassing his locker and heading for the exit on the opposite side, not wanting to be trapped in the middle of a maze of lockers when he started antagonizing the un-stealth stalker.
"You know when you're trailing people, you're supposed to not be completely obvious, right?" Seth spoke low, but his voice still echoed throughout the room. He briefly wondered if any stragglers were listening unseen.
Luke laughed, "You only know because I finally let you see me."
Luke's words made Seth uneasy and turned around to see Luke grinning, a lot closer than Seth had thought he was.
"Have you been following me?" Seth squinted in disbelief and confusion as Luke slid towards him, leaning along a row of lockers.
"Why would I do that?" Luke continued to smile gleefully, running his left hand across the lockers as he walked. Seth started backing up, realizing he hadn't gotten as close to the door as he would have liked. He started to wonder if he'd gotten himself into this situation on purpose.
"You looked so sexy out there fighting for your life," Luke whispered, but Seth heard clearly and something felt very wrong. Before he could fully process that thought, Luke lunged across the space separating them and slammed Seth against a locker.
Okay, okay. That could have been a wall. It could be worse. He's not going to kill you. He's not going to kill you.
Luke grabbed a handful of Seth's hair with his left hand and pulled back his right in a fist, eliciting an unattractive scream from the smaller boy who closed his eyes in anticipation. Luke jumped slightly at the unexpected noise and lowered his fist. He released Seth's hair, but also shoved his forehead with the palm of his hand, causing another impact with the amazingly undented locker.
Seth opened his eyes and Luke's own were straight ahead. In his peripheral vision, Seth could see an arm on either side; he could feel Luke's hands resting inches away from his head. Luke stared intently while Seth's eyes flitted about searching for an out.
Seth felt a hand flipping through the curls at his neck, he heard Luke's raspy breathing, he was pretty sure that his heartbeat resembled that of a frightened rabbit. He saw Luke's right arm disappear and became aware of a downward tugging on the waistband of his shorts.
Seth's ability to combine all his senses kicked back in and he shifted to the right while attempting to push Luke's hand away. Luke seemed to disregard this action, not even deeming it an inconvenience as he succeeded in dipping one hand into the other boy's shorts. His thumb curved into the final layer of clothing acting as a barrier as his fingers slid down into a soft grip that caused Seth to panic.
Seth snapped his arms up and shoved at Luke's chest, causing him to lose his balance and stumble backwards for a moment, but not long enough or far enough for Seth to even take a step.
"You are such a fucking tease!" Luke lifted his arm and this time the fist was put to use.
Neither one of them expected to see the blood fly.
It was his lip. The blood was streaming out from his lip. And it had sprayed a bit, dotting Luke's hand and shirt.
"Shit." Luke stepped forward to Seth who was crouched on the ground with a hand cupping the blood dripping from his bottom lip. "Shit. I didn't mean to do that." Luke reached a hand out.
"on' uch e" Seth breathed through his hand before lowering it and looking down at the red streams falling into his palm then back up at Luke. "You fucking psycho."
"Now that's just unfair," Seth didn't respond, he just wiped the base of his hand across his bloody mouth and stared in disbelief, "I'm fucking serious, Cohen! You stand there, you come to me, you stare like you fucking want me then you get mad when I do what you wanted."
Seth stood, his worried eyes trained on Luke, "I want you to find some other loner to toy around with."
"I'm not toying. You know I didn't mean to do that. Not your mouth." Luke grabbed Seth's head with on hand and pulled him into a kiss. Luke licked up the blood resting on Seth's lips and spoke into his mouth even as the other boy attempted to pull away. "Pretty, pretty mouth. You are the prettiest boy I've ever seen." Luke's tongue slipped between Seth's lips and surfed through the blood pooling inside. Outside, blood and tears mingled as Seth cried softly and continued his futile efforts to push away.
Luke pulled back to get a better view as he returned to his earlier task of removing Seth's shorts. Seth leaned as far back as possible, attempting to both distance himself and gain enough leverage to toss Luke across the aisle and get the hell out of there.
I got myself into this. I got myself into this. I didn't want this. Not like this.
As Luke pulled both the shorts and boxers down in one swoop, Seth scrambled against him, pushed him, couldn't get an angle to punch and for the first time noticed his own tears flowing. It all felt so futile. So hopeless.
"I won't tell, I swear I won't tell. Just don't."
"What do you think I'm going to do to you, Cohen?" Luke grabbed both of Seth's wrists behind his back with one hand and began fondling him with the other, "I wouldn't hurt you. You know I wouldn't hurt you." And suddenly, Luke was on one knee in front of him and Seth just felt warm moisture surrounding him. It was a hasty, drool-filled job and every time Luke pulled back the cold chill of the locker-room hit the spit giving Seth the oddest mixture of hot-and-cold sensations...one that would probably remain in his sense memory forever.
(scene)
He thought he would feel ashamed when he came, but what do you know? He wasn't thinking at all. He had been going along, wondering what else Luke was going to do to him; if Luke was even planning. He figured it was an impulse thing and if maybe he just fell to the floor as soon as Luke let him go that he wouldn't see any reason to bother anyone so incredibly pathetic.
Then it hit him.
Every conscious thought was knocked out of his head and he just felt light. Not saw light, but felt it. If anyone ever asked him, he'd say his orgasms were blue. They were pop—as in the music, which was highly embarrassing because who really wants to come Nsync? But, that's how he would describe them and any shame he felt surrounding this one wouldn't appear until the feeling was gone.
As his mind cleared he realized he had thrown his already injured head back into the lockers and it was dully throbbing. Realizing his hands were free, he looked down and vaguely noted that Luke had swallowed.
Luke had been gazing up at him, right hand still in place, but stopped and let go as soon as Seth opened his eyes. Seth went to tuck himself back in, but was blocked by the weight of Luke's body now pressing up against him. As far as he could tell Luke was smelling his hair, which was highly weird because he'd washed his hair with a bar of soap that morning and it probably didn't smell like anything special.
The bell rang and Seth refused to let the cliché phrase pass through his mind as Luke snapped Seth's clothes back into place and scuttled off towards the exit.
(scene)
It wasn't until English that it really hit him. What had just happened. What might have happened. And his mind was fluctuating between increasing depression and the slowly emerging justification. Because it would probably happen again...but, if it didn't that meant...but, he just wanted to be left alone...but, if Luke just—what if he wasn't even good enough....
There was this horrible realization that part of him wanted to be wanted so badly that he was almost as scared of this stopping as he was of this continuing.
And there was another bell. Another class period where no one even noticed whether he was there. They thought he was weird anyway so, they certainly didn't notice any change. And he suddenly realized that he was already thinking in terms of a secret life, not just a one-time incident. Because he was never stupid and the reality was that someone like him—if he had any type of a life it was going to be a secret.
He felt very peter Parker for some reason and felt like watching Spider- man.
(scene)
He wished they'd given James Franco the part instead of casting him as Harry. Just because seeing a guy with curly hair who played on Freaks and Geeks would make him feel even more connected to the part.
After the movie he decided to continue drowning his brain in colorful images and went up to his computer intending to submerge himself in his downloaded copy of Matrix Revolutions. Then he saw those Freaks and Geeks files and had the brilliant idea of making it a little marathon. He started to wish he had a copy of James Dean.
And he really did intend on just watching it, he hadn't seen any of this stuff in a while. He had no intention of touching anything besides the mouse; he really didn't know what came over him.
(scene)
He was in full swing—or full stroke as it were—when his father burst in with some compulsion to tell Seth about one of his cases. He was talking so fast that he'd gotten through a full sentence before he realized what was going on as Seth attempted to melt into the carpet under his desk never to arise again.
"Oh." Sandy was an eloquent man.
He turned on his heel, and Seth was thankful that the man hadn't decided to have a full on father-son chat right then.
So, apparently, that's the ticket, kids. If you don't want your parents asking you questions about that busted lip or bruised wrist, let them catch you whacking off to James Franco.
...Or, Linda Cardellini as he'd later told his father. He said she reminded him of Summer...in a big green jacket. Why the hell he wouldn't have just used an old yearbook if he wanted to whack off to Summer was beyond even him, but when masturbation's involved, logic has no place here.
So, Sandy hadn't even noticed the signs of damage. He must have told Kirsten what he walked in on because her eyes were averted the next few times Seth saw her. They were usually very attentive parents, but at some point they must have realized that their son was just not very popular and he had no intentions of conforming to become popular, nor would they ask him to. So, things that would normally be weird, they weren't so weird anymore. And they didn't ask any questions. They just started knocking before coming into his room.
(scene)
It became a thing, as he half knew it would. And he didn't want to recall it because things fluctuated between Luke kind of neutrally using him and Luke beating him to the point that he himself didn't even want to touch him anymore. All the time interspersed with these moments where all Seth could think was that it felt like pure love—he couldn't help but think it. Those rare times—Luke looked outwardly the way Seth felt when he looked at Summer. Because he still looked at her and that, according to Luke, was a problem.
And that's when he got the kindness.
Cuddly-Luke had come out when he'd seen Seth still making pathetic efforts at being noticed by Summer who was talking animatedly about some new preventative anti-aging treatment she planned on getting for her eighteenth birthday. Marissa looked at Seth kind of funny, but didn't acknowledge his presence beyond that and he stood in the half-crowded hallway with his hand in the air fighting the urge to have an 'I'm a loser' dialogue with himself right then and there.
Luke made an attempt at discretely waving him over which weirded Seth out to no end. When Seth turned away, Luke came to him.
"Come out to the car for a minute." Luke spoke as if they were casual friends and walked away, without threat or force.
Seth was tempted not to go, but figured if Luke really wanted to do something to him, he would just punch him in the face and get to work.
So he went.
What followed was an abstraction of a conversation in which Luke told Seth he wasn't happy about the way their "relationship" was going. He wanted Seth to know he was special to him and when they "made love" for the first time he wanted it to be at Seth's request. He wanted Seth to "be honest with himself" when he was ready to take that next step. Because it "would be beautiful" with the two of them. Then he unzipped his pants and told Seth to like his lips first— He wanted it soft. And he was unnervingly gentle unlike the first time he'd made Seth perform on him (There was a reason Seth didn't like Avril Lavigne and it involved her song playing on repeat in Luke's car while Seth was getting rammed down the throat).
So, in private things were nicer and once in a while Seth let himself forget the true nature of the situation. And, in public, Luke went back to being an ass unless Seth slipped and said something to him in public. Luke would get extra pissed at that. Then he'd try extra hard to make up by being cuddly and caring. Until it became a polar opposite thing where Luke was like two completely different people, but Seth was always Seth and he elicited certain reactions that just couldn't be disguised no matter how hard you tried.
(scene)
He learned that when Kal came. Seth had been sitting on the grass in a park that was sprinkled with sunbathers who for some reason came out in late May as if it had been snowing for the past five months. A bicycle path stretched out a few feet away from him. Towards the end of his newly purchased copy of Legion, he heard a roar that sounded highly out of place. It became apparent that a motorcycle was coming down the path. It really wasn't illegal, he didn't think, he'd seen cars on the path before...then again those were trucks driven by park maintenance. He figured it would probably be safer to move back a little farther. He soon learned, however, that he'd underestimated the rider's prowess with the machine. Before Seth could stand, the bike whizzed by and then did an unexpected u-turn, slowing down to stop parallel to Seth who was still hovering an inch above the ground. He dropped when the man smiled at him. Just a guy; obviously passing through; motorcycle and leather jacket. It wasn't really a James Dean quality, but it was sexy and it was rebellious. And like a million screenwriters would have us believe, the mysterious outsider just had to be drawn to the spaz in a Pacman shirt.
Seth liked him because he so obviously wanted him for sex. But, not in a clingy violent way. It was this laid back yet lustful manner that let you know he was planning to be an hour or two late for wherever he's been going.
Seth couldn't remember the conversation, it was so unreal. He remembered people were staring at them. He said something about the law. Kal said something badass and invited Seth to come be a junior badass. He remembered seeing Marissa and Summer at some point from the back of the motorcycle. Summer still didn't notice him. Seth thinks she'd be very interested if she'd just turn her damn head this way. Marissa stared. Seth wondered about her sometimes.
At some point that day, Kal said to him, "You should write the word 'virgin' on your forehead," Kal's smile made this seem like both an insult and a compliment.
And he had lost his virginity that day. He lost it in the ocean. And that would make an interesting anecdote some day. There were no feelings involved and yet it felt so much better then the torture he'd been enduring. He remembers thinking: this is the kind of slut I'd want to be.
It seems Marissa really did take notice of him because she felt the need to tell Luke that she'd seen him riding on the back of some guy's motorcycle and that she thought from the hair they might be cousins. Luke let him know that she'd also added that the motorcycle-thing was probably why he thought "he was so much better than everybody else" (which is funny to him now because she finally had her little 'in' to say it to his face three months later).
Either way a week after "the event" as Seth was then calling it, Luke confronted him by the fence between the Cohen and Cooper property, asking if Seth thought he was too good for him and was he banging someone and blah blah blah. Seth indicated that his choices of recreation were none of Luke's business. Eventually they got around to:
"You let him take what's mine".
"What's yours? It never was yours. Not even when it existed. And certainly not now."
Luke didn't hit him. He just cried. Seth was taken aback and didn't know what to do so he just left.
And that's when he got the emptiness.
Even when he tried, Seth never thought his words would really have such an effect. Who knew he had the ability to crush a human spirit? See, he can have a meaningful impact on others' lives.
So, now it was rough but not ultra violent, now it was sex, but unemotional. Like an estranged couple whose still going through the motions even though there's really nothing left but a few dried up old feelings that won't die from when times were better before she started working all the time and he cheated—
And it hit Seth like that first punch in the mouth. All that time. He resented people who didn't see things right in front of there faces and here he was, unseeing. Luke really though this was a relationship. Like a boyfriend-boyfriend relationship. Propelled by this revelation he found Luke's phone number in the phone book and dialed the number, informing Luke's mother that this was Seth Cohen asking if Luke's home, waiting, hearing the confused 'hello' and asking:
"Are you my boyfriend?"
Silence.
Silence right back.
"You're not, like, recording this for any of your little friends are you?"
"What friends?" Seth rolled his eyes involuntarily.
Silence.
"I'm not recording this."
A pause then, "What do you think we've been doing?" Luke had the tone of someone insisting that they don't ball just anybody.
Seth didn't respond.
"Who was that guy? In the leather."
"Which one?" Seth didn't plan to say it, it just felt right.
Luke hung up.
(scene)
So, now, they were kind of dating.
Seth Cohen was in an abusive relationship. He felt so after-school- special. It was a dynamic shift that occurred when Luke thought he was sleeping with other men, but still hadn't slept with him yet. He repeatedly stated he wouldn't force him though. That if Seth wanted to whore himself out to strangers and not sleep with his own boyfriend then that was his choice. But, Luke had no problem beating him up for blowjobs. It was just another idiosyncrasy in Luke's behavior.
Once school ended, Seth tired of pretending and stopped implying that he was doing anything when Luke wasn't around but refilling his Ipod. He didn't go out much unless he had a sailing lesson or went skateboarding. He'd borrow the car if he had to go to the store. So, no, there wasn't much socializing. Their visits tapered off, but were still often enough that bruises didn't have a chance to fade before new ones appeared. He felt like he was in storage the entire month of July.
Then he got a surprise.
Seth can honestly say the closest thing to a sexual thought he'd felt was noting that Ryan had beefy arms. And really, the word 'beefy' isn't very sexual. He was just thinking that he had someone to hold the other controller. It was like Norman Rockwell did an ad for Playstation. Then Luke saw them together.
That's when he got the jealousy.
It was just a return to sexual aggression at first. Then the accusations. Then the threats. All because of this presence. Not an insinuation, not the slightest hint of flirtation. And yet, Luke was acting like an animal whose territory had been threatened.
FLASHFORWARD
And suddenly he got it. Understood it all. Because Luke and Ryan were very much alike. Not in the way they treated him, but in their initial reactions to certain things.
Ryan's response. The way he'd been when he'd found out about Luke. It was so much like Luke when Ryan arrived. And he'd been so caught up in being caught. After all this time, being caught. Well, partially caught—Ryan didn't know about the Kal thing. But, he hadn't even registered Ryan's reactions until just now thinking about Luke.
That drastic change in behavior. He'd seen Ryan feeling betrayed before and he didn't get passive aggressive then blow up. He'd brood or he'd fight if he was feeling betrayed. That's not what this was here. This was jealousy...
...no way in the world was Ryan straight.
(Ryan)
Ryan chewed on a mandarin orange slice as he pondered over the question:
Why the hell has Seth been smirking at me all night?
"I think the Range Rover could use a wash." Seth didn't even make an attempt at sounding sincere in his ploy to get the car keys.
"You know, I think it does." Kirsten nodded matter-of-factly at Sandy.
"And lucky for us, there's a hose already hooked up and ready to go." Sandy was somehow able to make it very unclear whether he was being sarcastic or not. So, that's where Seth got it from.
"Seth, why do you need the car?" Kirsten decided to cut to the chase.
"I...need to go see a movie...in the Range Rover...with a girl."
The table stilled. Yes. The surefire sign that you are social death walking (as Seth would say). Imply you have a date and the world stops spinning. Ryan didn't want to contribute to that, but he didn't really believe what he just heard.
"A girl?" Kirsten finally spoke.
"Who is this girl?" Sandy slipped into interested parent mode.
No one seemed to notice that Ryan was still unmoving. He felt his eye twitching.
"A lovely young lady. Very proper. Refined." Seth's parents raised their eyebrows at their odd, odd son. "She'd been playing hard-to-get and I think—I think I've got a little plan to get her."
Kirsten held back a smile and okayed the keys and Seth bumped his hands together, shooting his mother a 'thank you'. He winked at Ryan who finally swallowed that mandarin orange.
The next few minutes Ryan's thoughts revolved around why Seth would need that car and if there really was someone he was pursuing. Seth had met someone—Ryan's 'date' for cotillion. She didn't really seem like the kind of girl who would play hard-to-get, but something was definitely going on. Between dawn and breakfast, something had shifted.
Ryan waited until Kirsten and Sandy headed out to work before asking.
"You have a date?" He didn't mean to sound disbelieving, but it came out that way.
"As of right now. No, I do not." Seth was very upbeat about it.
"So, what's with the car?"
"That? That is so you and I can go damage our hearing in an insanely loud Imax movie."
"The two of us?"
"Who else, Ryan?"
"You said you had a girl."
Seth laughed, "Yeah, okay, and that was believable."
Okay, so it wasn't believable, but Ryan didn't understand why Seth went through the whole charade. "Why didn't you just say you were going with me?"
"Because I hadn't asked you yet. You might have been spending the day with Marissa."
"No. I don't know; she's off and on basically."
"Well," Seth stood and Ryan noticed he had changed from jeans to pajama pants sometime before coming to breakfast, "I am very much on. So, Ryan," Ryan realized his eyes had been lingering far below Seth's face for too long and looked up in time to see Seth waggle his eyebrows, "if you would accompany me to a movie, I promise to be a perfect gentleman and keep my hands on my side of the armrest at least 80% of the time." Ryan laughed as Seth backed out of the room. "Matinee. We'll head out...well, now really, get out of Newport, take a drive."
Ryan hadn't expected Seth to be able to joke about things so soon after they happened, but he was actually flirting very comfortably. So, Seth felt better and Ryan was glad for him, but he was getting unsure of himself. He'd thought it would be easier to just ensure things stayed platonic, to not risk anything when both of them were basically vulnerable and had to live in the same house together and really only had each other as far as friendship goes. Saying he was straight just seemed like the best way to make everything easier. But, Seth was now surprisingly okay with it, to the point of joking about it and it was 10 times harder for Ryan to feign disinterest. It wasn't so bad before because he really didn't think there was an attraction.
Ryan thought about it as he headed back to the pool house to get ready.
The first though Ryan had when he met Seth was 'he's checking me out'. It was just an observation and apparently he'd had seen all he wanted to in the first few seconds because he jumped immediately to an inquiry about joining him for Playstation. Ryan had just assumed the kid was gay—until all that Summer-talk and even afterwards he figured it was a bi-or-denial situation. The moment that stood out for him was Luke calling Seth 'queer'. He remembers thinking, 'who even says that'? I mean, the word choice alone indicated some serious sexual identity frustration. And Ryan kept thinking—it has to be more than that because Seth's this kid who says he doesn't want to associate with anyone from Newport and yet he keeps making contact, like he's forgetting he's not supposed to like them. Something's not right here.
Ryan never made the final connection though, and in hindsight of course he feels like a complete idiot. Seth seemed like this virginal, innocent, awkward kid that was happy just to have Ryan's friendship. And it's shallow, yes, but Ryan's frustrated that this kid has more experience than him in this. And he feels pretty pathetic for not recognizing his own attraction until it was basically thrown in his face by circumstance.
Subconsciously, maybe he thought they'd eventually be each others' first—first guy at least. Now...he didn't know. Everything was weird.
Ryan came out of his reverie half way through shampooing his hair when he realized he was making preparations to go on a date. This routine he used to do, condition hair, soap body, rinse hair and body, shampoo—it was a pre- date ritual he started when he first took Theresa to a dance. He'd used her mom's shampoo because they'd dressed at her house. Funny how old habits come out.
Ryan finished, he dressed, he was about to head back to the house, but Seth was lounging in a deck chair waiting. If it weren't for the recent rise in metrosexuality anyone would think Seth had dressed specifically to come out of the closet. The thing about Seth though, was that his jeans were probably so tight because he'd owned them since middle school. The pink shirt—it was a band shirt as far as Ryan could tell. The big thing that got him though was the bowling shoes. Why the hell did Seth own white and baby blue bowling shoes?
As the approached the car, Ryan saw their reflections in the side and for the first time started to feel funny about walking around in a wife-beater. Because they looked really good together. Really f-ing good together.
Seth unlocked the doors and Ryan stepped into the passenger side while Seth walked around to the driver's seat. He was smiling uncontrollably.
"A bit excited about the movie?" Ryan hadn't seen Seth this happy since...when?
"The movie? No. I admit I do get exited by a lot of things. Mint comics, illegally obtained copies of unreleased video games, Saved by the Bell on DVD, but this movie? No. It just so happens that I'm hanging out with my number one pal, one Ryan Atwood and we are going for a drive. One morning of rebellion—."
"At an Imax movie?"
"At an out-of town Imax movie."
"And why are we going out of town?" Ryan wondered if Seth was planning to pick someone up and was tempted to let him know not to many people go cruising at an Imax movie—then, again, Seth didn't seem like he'd be rude enough to try to meet someone while they were out together...."You don't want anyone seeing us on a date?"
Seth's glanced over and threw Ryan gigantic grin as he shook his head in what Ryan knew was a deliberate attempt at an enigmatic answer.
At the last minute he responded, "Everyone assumed everything they were going to the second they saw us together."
"Yeah, but you weren't wearing that outfit."
"That is true. This outfit—I think it's slimming."
"No." Ryan looked over the outfit, which did accentuate the muscular aspects of his build. The car slowed and Ryan looked up to see they were at a light. He also looked up and realized Seth had seen him looking him over. Seth's expression didn't change and Ryan realized what had been different since breakfast—Seth looked smug. "What?"
"I'll tell you at the theater," Seth turned his eyes back to the road as the light switched to green. ", Where it's nice and dark."
"You want to get me in the dark?"
"You know I do." Ryan notices that Seth looks serious now. He's holding his eyes to the road, but Ryan doesn't need to look him in the eyes to know he's being genuine, "I know you have your reasons for—whatever you—maybe say to me or whatever. But, even if you're not with me, I don't think it's bad to just treat you the way I would if we were—dating."
"You would take me to a movie?" Ryan leaned forward attempting unsuccessfully to get in Seth's eye line.
"I'd take you anywhere." Seth's hand were flexing on the steering wheel as if he were preparing to shove the wheel in whatever direction Ryan asked.
"You'd turn around and take me back to the house right now?"
Seth whipped to face Ryan and looked broken, but quickly maneuvered the steering wheel to turn around in the small parking lot of a nearby animal hospital.
"Seth, I didn't mean it like that."
"No. You did. And I get it, man, you're straight."
"We both know I'm not." The car jerked to a stop in the middle of the parking lot. "Don't do that. You knew."
"So, why? Why lie about it? You know how stupid I felt when you told me that?"
"About as stupid as I felt when I saw you together."
"You're acting like I led you into it!" Seth must have realized he was screaming and lowered his voice, "It's just—you're my only friend. And I could understand not wanting to lose that, but you're just making things worse. You're acting just like him."
"Him?!" Ryan was too incensed by the comparison to formulate a sufficient sentence.
"You're acting like a jealous prick even though you're the one I wish would be with me."
They sat in silence for a moment until Seth continued.
"But, I'm tainted now, right?" Ryan glared at him, "Then why don't you just kiss me or do whatever and just be with me."
"Because I won't use you like that. Because I'm not him."
"It's not using m—." But, Seth was cut off because Ryan had wanted to make the last point before giving in and getting that first kiss over with. Because that was the big step. And they were actually taking it.
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A/N: The funniest thing is typing out blowjob as two words and having spell- check tell you it's wrong. I really don't want to think about my software knowing things like that.
And, yeah, I overcompensated for the long waits between chapters. I think this whole thing is over half as long as the other 9 chapters combined. Not sure if the formatting will be right though :(