Chapter 14—Thursday Night
By: Calcium Yeah
Summary: Slash. Luke/Seth. Ryan/Seth. Ch.15. And now we engage in conversation. Example: "Damnit, Seth! You had sex with him again!"
A/N: I'll just tell myself that there are no reviews for chapter 14 because it's a holiday weekend—and not because it's a crappy filler chapter. Anywho, I'm assuming there's some non-reviewer expecting chapter 15 when I promised it, so here it is. Enjoy.
CYCYCY
"You lied to me."
The words hung in the air and Seth didn't know how to respond to what Ryan seemed to consider an appropriate greeting.
"Um…okaaaay. So we're not going to be curling up beside the fire and reading each other Legion tonight. I can see that." Seth approached Ryan who was sitting in the living room in front of the television, which was on a blue screen. Seth assumed that Ryan had just finished watching a tape.
"Luke." Ryan almost sounded like he was addressing Seth with this name, and Seth looked up confused at first, but when his eyes rested on Ryan's squinted eyes, he thought he knew what was going on.
"Ackgh." Seth threw his head back and looked exasperated. "I knew it. Everything I do, she picks apart now. For someone who notices so much of what I do, you'd think she'd have said more than 2 words to me the entire time we've lived next door to each other."
"You're talking about Marissa." Ryan stated this flatly, like the fact it was.
"And this thing where she's too busy running off to see you to even offer me a ride home. I'm talking about feigning basic courtesy here—a pity ride. I mean, she lives next door! And then here we go, she gets me in trouble because she feels the need to talk about it. And, really, who even does that? Why would you tell somebody that?"
"I think she's said a bit more than 2 words to you, and—and what the hell am I talking about? Look, why are we even talking about Marissa?"
"Becaaaaaaauuuuuse as far as I know you're pissed about Marissa telling you that Luke gave me a ride home—which she only assumed because she was too busy rushing back here to see you to actually be concerned with how I got home."
When he didn't get a response, Seth became aware of the change he hadn't noticed occurring in Ryan's expression. It was transforming into a mixture of 'appalled', 'confused', and 'pissed'. Seth stopped ranting and rambling and just said softly, "I needed a ride."
"Is that what you're calling it now?" Ryan's sudden smirk seemed a bit out of place and Seth couldn't help thinking that it seemed to mask some sort of evil thoughts. A very comic book thing, Seth promised himself he'd stop thinking all comic booky in the near future.
"What are you talking about?" Seth was genuinely baffled.
"You tell me." Gone was any trace of Ryan's smirk just a moment ago was.
"My father clearly wasn't coming back for me. Marissa drove off. Luke offered to drive me home. He seemed fine, not weird or anything. I trusted him, which may have been a mistake, but it turns out that it wasn't. Because I rode here, I got here in tact—no worse off than when I left."
Ryan scoffed. Yes. He actually scoffed.
"No worse off…."
"Um, as far as I know." Seth was thrown off by Ryan's comment.
"Exactly." Ryan paused, considering something for a few seconds. He was visibly turning something over in his mind. " You rode home with him?" Seth nodded an affirmative response. "Just now?" Another nod from Seth seemed to incense Ryan. "So, he just left here?"
"I guess, Ry, what're you--."
"No, Seth, I can't do this anymore. I can't. It's too much. I just have to…Where is he? You know where he went. Where the hell is he?" Ryan stood up from the couch and started to move around the room as if Luke was hiding somewhere inside. Seth began to wonder if they tested people for mental abnormalities in juvi.
"A ride, Ryan, he just gave me a ride." Seth didn't really expect his words to calm Ryan down and he stepped back towards the wall to get himself out of his path. He wasn't worried about being backed up against a wall because it was Ryan and he trusted him not to hurt him on purpose. Still, accidents did happen so it was best to stay out of the direct path of someone storming back and forth like they were on century duty.
"Ugh!" Ryan slammed his hand against a nearby wall, bringing his head down to rest on his knuckles as he apparently tried to calm himself down. Seth thought he said something, but he couldn't understand what it was. Seth was uneasy with addressing Ryan in his current state, but he figured that if Ryan assumed he just wasn't responding that things would probably be worse.
"I, uh, can't hear you, cuz, you know…you're mouth is on your hand."
"I said…" Ryan pushed himself off of the wall and turned back to face Seth, his visage once again calm, "Was it as good as the one from last night?"
"…"
"You can't answer, can you? Both of them were just that good?" Ryan seemed to have a special talent for antagonizing him. Isn't that just the jackpot Seth would have to hit?
"…"
"You're never this quiet."
"I don't know what to say." Seth's thought he was remaining calm, but his body was subtly shaking as his mind raced through all the things that this could possibly be about.
"You don't know what type of lie to tell because you don't know how I know this."
"You know…this."
"You don't even know what to admit to." Ryan seemed resolved. Not even disappointed, just resolved that this was the way things were and there wasn't any reason to expect anymore from people. Or anymore from Seth.
"I don't know what you think--."
"What I know."
"—but you're pretty sure about whatever it is. You say you know something."
"If I believe half of what I see, then I can believe 1 hour of a two hour tape." Ryan never let his eyes waver from Seth's as he said this.
Seth didn't know what to think. He couldn't even comprehend what Ryan had on tape. How was there a tape? What was it of?
"Whoa, wait," Seth grabbed a section of his own hair, struggling to grasp what Ryan was telling him, "how is there a tape? What are you saying to me? I do not understand any of what is going on right now."
"Do you know what was going on yesterday when you were supposed to be ending things—with your abuser?"
Seth thought it was odd the way Ryan said 'abuser'. Sarcastically. Since when was Ryan sarcastic, especially about something like that?
"I don't understand why you're mad about that. You and I agreed that I should go."
"To end it. Not to whore it up in some goddamn hotel room."
"You know I was in a hotel." For some reason an unwarranted wave of amazement washed over Seth.
"It's sitting there on tape!" And that quickly, the amazement was replaced with nausea. As Ryan spoke, he stormed over to the VCR and frantically pressed the stop button several times before the eject function pushed out the tape in question. He held it up as if there was nothing more to say, but Seth didn't agree.
"You don't even know when that was taped."
"How many times were you at a hotel, Seth? You just admitted you were at one yesterday. The 27th? Yesterday? You said what day it was on the tape!"
"It was goodbye. That's all it was." Seeing things were quickly going downhill, Seth attempted to smooth things over by focusing on what he thought Ryan would see as the positives coming out of this.
Ryan lifted the tape slightly, "You look like you had some fun saying your goodbyes."
"It was so we could be left alone, and so I wouldn't have to deal with him constantly there." Seth wished he could make Ryan understand. Okay, he'd had a good time that night, but there was so much he'd endured before that, he truly went there to make it stop. To make Luke leave him alone so Ryan would be with him. But, Ryan didn't get it.
"Does this look like being left alone?" Ryan waggled the tape in front of Seth's face. "Do you want to see what being left alone looks like? Let's watch being left alone. "
"I really hope you're joking . There's just no way—you cannot possibly think I'd watch that tape with you. Sitting there, letting you see me like that."
"I already saw more than you'd ever want me to."
"Yeah, that' since. Why the hell did you even keep that? And I come in & you've got the tape in, and you just sat there. What? Did you plan this out? We were just going to sit down and watch one of the most humiliating events in my weak, pathetic life. You want to torture me for what I did? Well, I don't accept that. I'm not subjecting myself—."
"You won't watch this with me?" Ryan waved the tape back and forth as his wrist flicked around in anger. "You won't 'subject yourself' to that? You subjected yourself to making the tape."
"I didn't know he was taping it."
"That's not the goddamn point!" Ryan was turning red. Seth could look at him and tell that this was something Ryan constantly tried to avoid. All that silence and brooding was an effort to keep this under control. Seth was suddenly very thankful for all that brooding. "Damnit, Seth! You had sex with him again!"
"I know it's not the way you would handle things. But, I can't 'take charge' of things the way that you do. I can't punch my way out of confrontations, and responsibilities, and my choice of cereal in the morning. I don't throw a fist at everything my life throws in front of me."
"Don't turn this around on me. This is about you and your actions." Ryan's words were almost a whisper, as he seemed to spit them out at Seth.
Seth sighed, saddened by this regression from the progress they'd made earlier, "I got back the next morning. You had to know."
"I had to give you some credit."
"Meaning, you had to think that I got forced into it again. You'd rather have me go through all that then just end things on my terms."
"Your terms. So you came up with it. You wanted to—no—let's be honest here. You either wanted to do it or you were scared into playing nice, meaning he's controlling you right now and could have you whenever he wanted anyway."
"You saw the stupid tape. You seem capable of making up your mind about what happened. Everything I felt. You're the expert on everything that's going on here. I'm so readable—."
"Which was it? Did you want it or are you still his property? Am I trespassing if I touch you?" Ryan taunted him by placing a rough, teasing hand on Seth's neck and pushing gently, moving Seth's head around awkwardly.
"Don't touch me like that!" Seth pushed Ryan back causing Ryan's hand to scrape along his chin and throw his head back into the wall. Seth wondered if he felt guilty at all for doing so.
"You did that to yourself." Seth thought he could hear concern masked under Ryan's coolness towards him.
Seth cupped the back of his head with his right hand, still wincing from the pain. "You're just like him." Seth was disappointed in himself for not being able to come up with something better than that.
Ryan stood still for a moment, obviously deciding on the best response to what sounded like an accusation.
"I'm enough like him that I can see why he did it."
Seth could feel the hurt register on his own face, unable to believe that Ryan had actually said those words. What he'd said was a generic comeback, a fill in the blanks statement for these situations. What Ryan said…you don't even think something like that unless it's true. And to verbalize it….
"I don't see any reason for me to even keep standing here." Ryan started to head out of the living room. Seth noticed he clutched the tape firmly in his right hand and he was walking with a very intent gait. He started to worry about what Ryan was going to do with that tape, specifically if he was heading over to the Cooper residence to seal the deal on whatever he did or didn't have going on with Marissa.
"Give me the tape, Ryan." As he spoke, Seth saw Ryan's knuckles whiten in a grip that looked like it should be breaking the plastic casing. He turned around, but didn't walk any closer.
"Why? It was clearly made for my benefit. I want it. I can have my fun with it."
"Ryan, you're being irrational. You're mad about what happened—before we made up, I'll remind you. And you may feel you want revenge on me, and on him, but that tape—."
"Is just one copy. I doubt it's the only one. You should be less worried about what I'm planning on doing with it, and more worried about Luke."
"Yeah." Seth had to laugh at that. "And yet somehow I think that Luke has a lot more to lose than you or I do when it comes to other people seeing that tape."
"Does he?"
"…"
Seth hadn't expected Ryan to challenge him on that. It seemed pretty obvious. Of course Luke had a lot to lose. People with an actual social status had something to lose. People who were already outcasts only faced a potential increase in harassment. Basic logic.
"Did you stop to ask yourself why he made the tape? Couldn't have just been for himself, because I have a copy with me. Is it really just about showing me how happy you two are together?"
"Um, hello, it's clearly about breaking us up. He doesn't want me to be all happy-go-lucky with you while he's stuck being Mr. Closeted Uber-Jock with no one to harass anymore."
"You don't think he'd just start in on you again if he wanted to?"
"No, because I've got this completely compulsive street fighter who has gone and stood up for me from day one—literally—and that is very intimidating. You are very intimidating. You should know that."
"Yeah. I could see how you'd think that…but, if he's so scared of me, then why show me this?"
"I don't—."
"Why?"
"Just to be a prick about things I guess."
"Wrong. Why?"
"Maybe it wasn't really supposed to go to you." Seth knew it was lame, but he was still reeling from Ryan's earlier comment, and he was tired of trying to come up with motives for Luke's behavior. How about 'he's crazy'. That seemed like as good an answer as any.
"Okay…" Seth could sense Ryan's frustration, but he seriously couldn't see what he was getting at. "You said you were worried he'd hurt himself. I'm guessing that's why you went through with this, when I asked you not to & you promised me you wouldn't."
"I thought…but, I saw him now, and he seems fine." Seth was flustered, unsure of everything now. Every time he tried to understand what Ryan was trying to get across to him he just kept thinking: Ryan understands why Luke did it. He can comprehend why Luke hit me, and cursed at me, and forced me into things I didn't want to do. He can understand why someone would do that to me. He thinks I deserve it.
"People seem a lot of things that they're not." Ryan's words held a double meaning to Seth's ears, and he couldn't shake the feeling that a line had been crossed only minutes ago. "You don't know why he made this tape, you don't know what he's planning. For being so secretive, he was damn sure open about leaving this lying around for me or anybody to find. Did he even care who watched it?"
For possibly the 20th time that night, Seth did not have an answer. As far as Seth knew, Ryan had never spoken so much, or so passionately about anything. Then again, how long had he known him. Not too long. Didn't really know much about him. I should ask. At some point, I should really ask.
"You think he was obsessed, possibly suicidal, and that may even be true, but suicide to him could mean a lot of different things." Ryan's eyes were soft again, he didn't look like someone who could understand why Luke hurt Seth, he looked caring—and full of pity. "Suicide is throwing your life away. If that tape gets out—his life is over."
CYCYCY
A/N: A shall be away for a bit. I hope I come back to reviews. The public slash fictioning is available thanks to your support. So review darn-it!