Guardian Roommates: Chapter 6: Loneliness

Everyone here belongs to Capcom. All the references belong to Marvel, Disney and Pixar, DC, Star Wars, Elvis, Terminator, Star Trek, Kevin Smith, Mork and Mindy, ATHF, TMNT, Namco, Sega, Nintendo, and Cartoon Network, and Happy Days. See if you can find them all. Lastly, my own personal plug.

Harpuia Episode. Yay for Harpuia fans.

It was past 2 in the morning as a dark figure typed on a computer.

"No, that's not good. Why can't I do this?"

The text on the computer had appeared as follows:

Hi, I'm Sage Harpuia, former guardian of Master Mega Man X. I enjoy intelligent conversations, action, the news, and

I'd consider myself to be

SUBMIT

CANCEL

Harpuia had actually considered joining an online dating service, but had no idea what to put about himself. Who was he? Other than the obvious, he had no idea about who he was on the inside.

"Ah, screw this," the frustrated guardian mumbled. "I'll try something in the morning."

Next morning, Harpuia is in his room, full of old Gundam and Transformers posters, a tiki statue, a bed with a Buzz Lightyear bedspread, a bookshelf full of used political insight, a computer, and last but not least a Jimmy Hendrix poster. He was looking in the mirror, asking himself one question.

"Who am I?"

Harpuia decided he was going to find something that fit his image. Enter the slideshow.

Harpuia comes out of the closet with an afro and a sparkling disco outfit. "Thank you very much!... Oh God, no."

A jedi outfit with a plastic lightsaber. "Use the force, Luke! Right, like this hasn't been tried before."

A blue and red outfit with a web design. "My spider sense is tingling! God, this thing is itchy!"

A leather jacket, a shotgun, and sunglasses. "Hasta la vista, baby. What am I thinking? I can't fake an accent."

A blue suit with a medal on the left side of his chest with pointy ears, making a vulcan peace hand sign. "Nanu nanu! Wait a minute..."

A blonde stoner with long blonde hair, a cap, and a smoke. "Snootch to the Nootch! Nah, Zero tried this when he tried to escape the resistance base."

Flashback. Zero made an attempt to disguise himself to get out of the resistance base. He decided he would disguise himself as Jay from Jay and Silent Bob, the characters he remembered from the movies he always checked out when he was a Maverick Hunter. He would be Jay, since he had the hair. He just needed a Silent Bob. The fat boy on the second floor wouldn't help him, but no one else was so big. So, he decided to make a desperate measure.

Ciel had approached them. "Are you new here?"

Zero, disguised as Jay, spoke. "Uh, sure. I think. Naww."

Ciel had an uncomfortable expression on her face. "Ooookay. Is he alright?" pointing to the unconscious reploid next to him.

Zero looked at the fake-bearded hat-and-trenchcoat-wearing reploid near him. "Oh, him. That's Silent Bob. He don't talk."

Ciel got a bit suspicious. "So why aren't you guys doing anything?"

Zero responded. "Wha? We don't live here! Lunchbox and I aren't no part of this stupid resistance!" He probably got too much into character.

"Stupid...?" Ciel's eyes lit on fire. "STUPID?"

"Uh, what? Huh?" Apparently someone came out of unconsciousness.

Ciel exploded on them. "You're in my house now, boy! I wanna see these floor clean! So clean that even my spit will have a reflection! And if I come in here to see you slacking off again, so help me I'm going to make you a part of my next experiment! And believe me, it won't be pretty. GET TO WORK!"

Ciel shoved the broom into Zero, nearly knocking him down. "Yes ma'am!" he whimpered.

She walked into her lab with a smirk on her face. 'He's so adorable when he tries to outsmart me.'

Harpuia laughed to himself. 'That was almost as bad as the time he asked Leviathan if she gained any weight after that Elpizo guy went mad.'

Flashback Two. Zero's encounter with Leviathan after Elpizo went missing.

Leviathan was swimming in the large acquarium. "Forget about that Elpizo guy. You won't live to see the outcome, Zero!"

Zero just leaned on his sword, looking at his hands. "Yeah, Fefnir said the same thing before he accidentally set himself on fire."

Leviathan was serious. "What's your point?"

Zero sighed, even though he was underwater. "Heard it about a thousand times before." He started to use air quotes and raised his hands in the air like a monster would. "You will suffer, Zero! Get in my belly, Zero. Join me, Zero. I will kill the one you love, Zero. You have no chance to defeat me Zero. All your Zero are belong to us. I will kill you after you die, Zero. I'll send you to hell and back, Zero!" He put the act to a rest. " I've kinda become immune to it."

Leviathan was growing impatient. "Are you done?"

Zero stretched, popping his elbows. "Almost. You look different this time around. You did something to yourself, didn't you?"

Leviathan almost blushed. She in fact did. A tad bit more makeup and something to make her hair and armor shiny.

"Wow, I must've left some kind of impression." Zero said, observing Levi's change in attitude.

'Crap!' thought Levi. 'I can't let him know! Not now!'

Zero continued. "You're the most feared female in all of Neo Arcadia, and then I come around..."

Leviathan started to sweat, but lucky for her, the water didn't allow it to become visible.

"... only to kick your can, twice, and you get so depressed you let yourself go. That's sad, really."

Leviathan blinked in shock before it really hit her. Suddenly, bubbles rose from the top of the water. "DIE!" she yelled, charging at Zero.

Zero cracked his neck before pulling his sword out from the floor, not concerned with the fact that Levi was charging full speed at him. 'First it's the green guy getting all mad because I thought he was a chick, now it's the blue girl getting mad because I thought she put on a few pounds. Well, here we go again...'

'That was gold.' Harpuia thought to himself.

His little fashion show continued.

A bald guy with a mustache, a white muscle shirt, blue sweatpants and flip flops. "Hey baby, yeah you! You checkin' me out? Yeah... If Leviathan were here, thank goodness she's not, she'd kill me for even thinking about this."

A cowboy. "Howdy. Where's the guns on this thing? I feel like shooting myself."

A football player. "I'm open! I'm open! Where's the people to tackle you when you need them?"

A cheerleader. "Give me a- What on earth is this doing in my closet?"

A ninja. "I am part of the X clan, where we are raised as mercenaries! Who am I kidding?"

A space reporter with pink hair. "Spaaaace Channel X! ... Dammit Leviathan!"

A rock star. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Before he knew it he was coughing up a storm.

A red plumber with a mustache. "Let's-a go! Okie dokie! Mama mia! ...Mama mia indeed..."

A pimp. "I can't believe anyone takes this look seriously at all."

A turtle shell with a sock wrapping his eyes. "Cowabunga!... I can't see in this thing."

A secret agent. "Harp. Sage Harp. 008." He pressed a button, and before he knew it a truck fell on him.

A bucket over his head. "Close, but no."

A giant yellow ball. "Waka waka waka waka waka. Does that come with english?"

A chef. "Phantom beat me to it."

Nothing. "Ah, there we go."

Silence.

"Damn!"

He slammed the door on his closet. "I won't get a date at this rate. 'Be yourself,' they say. If that's how you get people to notice you, Fefnir's idiocy would attract everyone. Ah, who cares? I don't need anyone. I'm cool all alone."

Sage found himself channel surfing again.

"With two of X's guardians in jail, whose to say the last one won't convert to madness?"

-click-

"Looking for a good time?"

"Yes."

"Then please donate to the following address to adopt a child."

-click-

"You save someone's life, yes? You want to save life, yes? Please donate house to family, yes?"

-click-

"I can't believe it's my first time!"

Harpuia's eye's widened in surprise.

"Who ever thought getting addicted to gambling was so much fun?"

-click-

"Want money? Want it now? If you're injured in your job and never graduated middle school, you're in luck!"

-click-

"Their brother turned them in! Either that's an act of betrayal or doing the right thing. I doubt he did it for the money or because he grew tired of them."

-click-

"Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to reach the nuclear center of the planet?"

-click-

"I pity da foo who doesn't scratch his ass for da techno fiend!"

-click-

"Your Pukechu could never defeat my turdloid, not with his puny water powers, slow reflexes, and inability to program a VCR!"

-click-

Harpuia sighed as he turned off the TV. "I am so pathetic. I'm going out. But in what?"

Back to the drawing board.

Harpuia found a comfortable outfit but twisted his sides to get a view of everything.

"I'm not going to get any excitement wearing my regular armor, but these jeans make my ass look big. And a green shirt that says, 'My second car is your girlfriend?' with the word 'ASSMAN' on the back? Did I actually buy this? I need to stop drinking."

Sage then sucked down a bottle of whiskey.

"There's gotta be something in here that I can wear outside."

He finally found something. A hawaiian shirt that had palm trees and a green-blue sky, a green t-shirt with the phrase, "Voltron got served!" and calm faded blue jeans. He finished it off with sunshades. This had been the first time since high school that he wore anything that wasn't his armor.

"I need an entrance."

Warp to the main hallway. Harpuia slides out of his room while his stereo plays "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions. He lifts his head up and struts towards the door, but quickly runs back in his room, turning off the music.

"Oh yeah, this works." he grinned, pointing as his mirror. "'Eeeeeeeeeeey!'"

He decided to redo his whole entrance skit, playing the Scorpions as before, but just as he reached the door...

"HI!"

The door had blasted open, with Fefnir and Leviathan standing outside. Harpuia was nowhere to be seen.

"Harpuia? Harpuia? He's not here." a confused Fefnir observed.

"Figures," replied Leviathan. "With the reward money I'm sure he went to the bar or decided to buy some expensive action figures again."

Fefnir laughed. "It's a good thing that reward money was nothing compared to X-sama's trust fund."

Leviathan sighed as she leaned against the doorway. "I still can't believe I let you convince me to use that as our bail."

Fefnir had a smirk on his face. "Oh, I don't think he'll be using it anytime soon."

Leviathan just shook her head as she walked off. "Burger?" But she decided to whisper the word 'kong' afterwards.

Fefnir's head lowered. "Shut up." He decided to follow.

After the door closed, a loud thud could be heard on the floor. There lay Harpuia, sunshades cracked, clothes wrinkled, and with broken teeth all over.

"And thus, the suffering continues." he said in a bitter voice as he rose up. He then got an idea.

Fefnir and Leviathan came back with a bag of fast food, but to Fefnir's liking, it was McDaddio's instead of the place he denied he ever went to work for.

"So, what'd you order?" a curious Levi asked.

"A big wac, large fries, and volt cola. You?"

"Salad, an extra large big wac, extra large fries with extra ketchup, spicy, and a diet cola." Levi responded.

They passed by a long haired, unshaven reploid with sunshades on the way to their apartment, wearing little more than a hawaiian shirt, short jeans, and sandals, but with green marks on his face.

Levi's eyes lowered. "That guy was kinda pretty."

Fefnir shrugged. "I could take him."

The reploid who was now behind them had a huge smile on his face. 'Just add a wig and draw some more hair on your face and your siblings won't even recognize you! Booyah.'

Fef and Levi entered the apartment.

"Sagiee, we're home! Fefnir used X-sama's trust fund to bail us out. We got some food, but didn't know what to get you. So yeah, sorry about that."

Fefnir nudged his little sister. "What makes you think he'll be back five minutes after we come earlier?"

Levi shrugged. "Maybe he went out to do laundry?"

Fefnir didn't care anymore. "Whatever. I'm hungry!"

I really doubt anyone ever imagined the guardians like this when they first played MMZ1. Well, Harpuia gets a well needed vacation. Or does he? Tune in next week.