Authors Note- Sorry it's been so long since I posted, but my school is out for the holidays... Thanks to my new betas Heather and Karen... you guys rock thanks so much! Thanks to all the reviewers. And of course thanks to Liby I love you, you could never be replaced :D!
She doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess
If you catch her stealin, she won't confess
She's beautiful
She smokes a pack a day, oh wait, that's me but anyway
She doesn't care a thing about that, hey,
She thinks I'm beautiful
Meet Virginia
Three am; the most absurd hour of the night, if you ask me anyway. Smack dab in between morning and night. The darkest hour. Shadows pollute the earth, our deepest fears chasing us around, lurking in the bushes. A healthy glow from the moon, lights the only path through the dirty streets of Chicago. The silence is overwhelming, the peace a bit unnerving. I've never been entirely uncomfortable walking at night... it brings a sort of sense of adventure. You don't know what will or can happen, where you will end up... As scary as that is, it's a bit comforting to me.
I lean on the door to my building it opens with a groan, as I hold the door open for a second before buzzing myself in. The hallways are blackened by the night, a light glow from one of the apartments is the only light in the whole building.
I head for the stairs, giving myself time to think tonight, rather that then a seconds peace in the elevator. Might as well get some exercise, I'm not going to get any sleep tonight anyway. My shoes knock the steps with a thud, I pull my hair out of my face, as I slowly climb each stair one at a time. My heel clicks up against the metal lining the step. At the top my lungs feel tight, I've been trying to quit smoking, each day I have one less than I did the day before. It hasn't seemed to help though. I push through the door, and reach in my pocket to grab my keys.
My apartment seems messier then it did this morning. I look around and notice Neela has taken her stuff, but she's left a bigger mess than before. I groan and look at the person behind me.
"She moved out?" I nod, biting down on my lip. She moved out, but you would never know by the looks of this place. I start to take my jacket off and he helps me grabbing one sleeve then the next. He drapes my coat, and his own, over the coat rack by the front door.
"It's probably for the best." I reply, lumbering towards the couch. He follows me and sits down next to me.
"You might miss the company." I scoff, I'm probably better off alone. He turns to face me, his tired eyes stare back at my own. I stare at the lines on his face. He looks so much older... I flick the light on and watch him for a second, before he ducks his head away and looks out the window.
"What?" He mumbles.
"You look older."
"It happens." I guess. But somewhere I still see the old him. Maybe it's the way his eyes stare back at me, and implore me to tell him what's on my mind. It could be how his hair falls flat on his forehead, or his crooked grin... or maybe deep down he never really changed. He's still sensitive, sweet, caring... flawed.
"Yeah..." My voice trails.
He turns to look at me again, our eyes meet and for a second it's like nothing changed. I trust him, I long to feel his arms around me.
"Tell me about him..."
She never compromises, loves babies and surprises
Wears hi-heels when she exercises
Ain't that beautiful
Meet Virginia
"The minute I held him in my arms everything was real. The miracle, the pain, our relationship... everything I had experienced over the last year. Everything I know, everything I thought I knew. It made it all real, brought it into perspective. Yet, I had never felt more broken before in my entire life." His face falls, and he takes a moment to collect himself. "My brother died when I was eleven, I wanted to become a doctor the minute he died. I promised myself to never let anyone feel the way I did then, to never feel that way again. There I was, holding my dead son feeling the same way. Being a doctor didn't change that. I thought it I became a doctor I could fix everything no one could feel pain, I couldn't, my mom couldn't, my dad, because no matter what happened I could fix them." He laughs in spite of himself, shaking his head for a minute.
"I thought that if I became a doctor I could find a cure for bipolar." He watches me for a second. "That if I could find a cure for that everyone would be okay, my mom would be a real mom. I would make her better, and we would be a real family." I pause, and look at him. Those eyes implore me again. "I guess we both didn't succeed in doing what we thought we could... but maybe we did one better. We helped people other than ourselves."
He nods agreeing, "I don't even feel sometimes." He swallows hard, eyes watering. "Sometimes I just go through the motions, I don't even realize what I'm doing... I have no emotion..." He licks his lips slowly, hands grasped together in prayer, head bowed on the tips of his fingers. "Then I'll get a little boy who will remind me of Bobby, or I'll get a baby... or someone who doesn't want their baby... It brings those painful feelings back and I'm not sure if I'd rather feel something or feel nothing.
Bringing my finger to his chin, I lift it up, begging him to look me in the eye. "It will never go away, but the pain gets easier, John." He nods, swallowing. "It has... But I lost a part of myself with him... I let Kem go..."
"She went because she had too. He was her son. I know he was yours too, but she carried that baby inside of her for nine months... having another baby, that just wasn't something that she saw as feasible, Carter."
"I know." He leans back into the couch cushions and our eyes meet once again, a smile on his lips this time. "Thanks, Abby."
Well she wants to be the Queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna be the queen
We've moved to the kitchen, he's sitting at the table and I'm at the sink doing dishes "I'm realizing why people go into med school when they are young."
"It's a hell of a lot easier?" He chuckles. I nod groaning.
"I have been dead tired for weeks now, no matter how much sleep I get it's never enough."
"I know what you mean." I turn to look at him and our eyes lock once again. "You're the first person I've really talked too..."
"Kem?"
"She... it's too painful." I nod swallowing.
"Yeah."
"Wendall... I mean, we get along... but I can't... I can't see anything happening with her." I'm not sure when we got to the point where we could be this open and honest with each other... I mean ever since our break up we've both been pretty tight lipped on out love lives or lack there of, for my part.
I scoot closer to him taking his hands in mine. I run my thumb along the rough contours of his knuckles. He watches me intently, his once bright brown eyes, seem a darker shade of brown now. Holding more pain and anger, his nativity, or what was left of it after the stabbing, seems gone. The bad in the world has drained all the good from him. He gently pulls one of his hands from my own, cupping my cheek, I bury my face in his palm. The closeness is unnerving. We haven't been this close... this intimate in over a year, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He tips my chin up with his index finger, bringing his forehead down to mine, locking our eyes. I can feel his breath on my lips, his fingers move to the nape of my neck, running through my hair. I feel his fingers wrap tightly around my hands, as if he's holding onto me for dear life, afraid of slipping away. Loosing again. He can't bare to loose again and I'm not sure I can bare to loose him again. Our connection feels similar to the one we once had, yet deeper somehow. Holding more meaning, more depth... more emotion?
My eyelids close involuntarily, his grasp around my neck tightens and my freehand brushes the side of his cheek, his eyes close as well... We're trapped in a downward spiral hanging onto each other for dear life.
Her daddy wrestles alligators, Mama works on carburetors
Her brother is a fine mediator for the President
Well here she is again on the phone
Just like me hates to be alone
We just like to sit at home, and rip on the President
Meet Virginia
The loud ringing of the phone brings us out of our trance. My hand flies behind me, gripping the receiver in my palm. I take a deep breath, finding my voice, before answering. "Hello?"
"Abby..."
"Susan?" Ah, the person who should be sitting here next to me instead of Carter... She got pulled back into the ER vortex and forced to work late, she wasn't pleased neither was I...
"It slowed down... So I just wanted to call to see how it was going." Hm. I can sense the curiosity in her voice. I know she saw Carter and I walk out together, she watched us go, giving me a sceptical look as we did so.
"Fine. It's going fine."
"Abby-" A hint of warning in her voice. "Be careful." I know exactly what she is talking about. Carter seems to be juggling a variety of woman these days, in different professions and locations it seems.
"Don't worry, Susan." My eyes make contact with Carter's and he looks at me carefully. "We are just talking." He rolls his head against my couch cushions. I watch him carefully, I'm not going to start anything else up with him. I can't. This is purely just friendship... support we have always been a rock for each other. Even when he's not there, I can't help but let him cross my mind.
"Okay. Abby just be careful." I'll be as careful as I can with him. I hang the phone up staring at him, his eyes are closed, his hand rests on my legs. There is a peace and serenity blanketing the air.
"I can't do this again, Carter." His eyes open and his stares at me, obviously perplexed.
"Can't do what?"
"You. Me. Me and You." He nods, biting on his bottom lip.
"I know. I don't expect it Abby." He swallows, moving his hands from my legs, and pulling my hands into his own. "I just... I don't want to loose us...our friendship. We've lost it so many times in the past." I agree. I don't want to loose what we have built up... it's no where close to where we use to be though. "I needed to go to Africa, Abby. I needed the escape... At the time I thought that's what I needed... I was running away."
"I'm not running away, John. I have nothing here that I am running from. No one." I stare at him, letting him know how serious I have become about this.
"It's a war zone Abby." He argues back.
"I'm a big girl Carter. You don't have to take care of me."
"It's not like you ever let me. I just- I worry about you there all by yourself."
"Shouldn't you be worrying about Kem?" He stares at me for a moment, he cracks his knuckles, starring at his hands.
"I do. But I have lost her already."
"John..." My voice firm. "You lost me in that sense a while ago." I smile half heartedly.
Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna live this life
I pull a pillow from my cabinet, and grab a blanket from the lower shelf. I hold the pillow in my hand, wondering how exactly my night turn into this. I'm not really sure how he ended up at my apartment. I thought the argument in the exam room would be enough to keep us away from each other for the rest of the year. Obviously not though. He confronted me on my way out of the lounging saying he wanted to talk... No. Needed to talk. I guess I figured it wouldn't hurt. And it hasn't. Not really. It brought us closer together maybe. I was never really a part of his pain before. Sure he called me the minute his son died. I did come running I mean, I was flattered... As selfish as that is, I was. I thought we had lost everything we had, but for him to call me during one of the most painful times in his life...
But now I'm not sure. I'm not sure where we stand. It seems that for so long we haven't been a part of each other's lives. He's been one place, and I've been another. He's been mopey, depressed, saddened. Understandable of course, but I just haven't fit into that equation very well. And now here we are, trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out why he cares so much if I go to Africa... When I go. I am going. I haven't told him yet, but I go and get my shots tomorrow...
I sigh, and bring the pillow and blanket out to him. He is perched on the edge of my couch. His head in his hands, he looks up at me when he hears me enter. A small smile crosses his lips, and he gets up to help me with the stuff in my hands. I follow him over to the couch, tossing the pillow onto the end. He falls against it hugging it to his cheek. I toss the blanket on top of him, and stare at him.
"What?" He mumbles, eyes closed.
"Are you going to sleep in that?" I chuckle at the sight of him in a suit, his hair a tangled mess not matching his formal look.
He gives me a coy smile... "Oh, so you want to see me naked." I roll my eyes at him as he reaches his fingers to his buttons and tosses the dress shirt to the floor, leaving him in a white sure. He promptly reaches down and opens the button and fly of his pants dropping them to the floor. He reaches for his underwear then stops...
"Sorry I sleep in my underwear." He laughs. I swat him on the arm before heading to my bedroom for the night.
She only drinks coffee at Midnight, when the moment is not
right, her timing is quite-unusual
you see her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic
and the shape of her body - unusual
Meet Virginia-I can't wait to
Meet Virginia-Yea
Review Responses:
Lillian - If Abby goes to Africa I don't know if we'll have a Carter appearance, it's a tad over done... But I am going to make it interesting... don't worry;)
Soaringmunkymuffins- Emotional pain... Hm yes for sure! This story will have lots of that... I'm warning you this story is different then people think...:) Thanks for the review!
Striker20- I agree whenever I watch Frank on the show I'm like hmmm you're rude, but I can't help but wonder what he is going to say next.
Tracey- Yeah I forgot about that lol, thanks for reminding me... I think I'm going to let her finish her year... She's halfway through anyways.
Carby6- More is here!
BabyBoomBoom0029- Thanks... I'm glad you're liking it. Sorry it took me so long to update I had weeks of assignments and exams and stuff...
Kalena- lol I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'll try not to take so long to update next time.
AbbyL- I kinda fast tracked it lol....
Froggiezaz- There is gonna be carby in it, as you can tell for this chapter, but it's not gonna be all about Carby... if that makes any sense. lol, I wanna have other stuff too.... It's more Abby-centric I think.
Carby-Always- Thank you, I try.:)
Bobbyboots- Thank you! I hope you liked this chapter.
Thanks to everyone you rock my socks!