Chapter 3

Using his key, John let himself into the cottage, his voice strong as he called for Natalie, even as he wondered at what he'd find. Evangeline would do anything drastic, a voice in his head reminded as he moved into the living room. Scanning it, he took note of the box on the table, before his eyes landed o n Natalie silhouetted in the window. "Hey, what's going on? I called," he started as he crossed to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Look, I'm sorry."

"Really?" Natalie asked as she stiffened. "For what?"

"I didn't know that Evangeline still had any of my stuff. I would've gotten it myself if I had."

"Oh. Tell me, John, is that all you have to be sorry for? To feel guilty about?" she asked, pulling away from him and looked over her shoulder at him.

"What's that supposed to mean? Did Evangeline say something to you?"

Natalie laughed hollowly at that: "you could say that. She also showed me some things. Are you sure, there's nothing you need to tell me?"

"Evangeline and I are through, Natalie. If she made you think otherwise, I'm sorry. But, you should know by now that I'm a one woman man. I always have been."

"You knew, John. That's one thing I've never worried about when it came to you," she sighed. "All I've ever had to worry about were the things you were keeping from me."

"Natalie, I don't know what she said to you, and if you don't tell me, I can't. . ."

"What? Counter it? Explain it away?" she asked as she spun around and threw the envelop at him. "How are you going to explain this away? How are you going to convince me that you had to do it? What was it? Atonement? Did you think it would make it better?" she pressed on as she held her left hand up to his face: "was I some prize? Or am I someone to make it seem OK? Someone safe because it will never be legal?"

Swallowing, John felt his heart drop with assumptions and race with unease. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"DNA doesn't lie. I heard that somewhere. Maybe it was you or just an episode of some cop show. I don't know. In a way it's funny, because so many times it seemed like you stepped off of one. But you didn't. You're not some fictional hero, but a real, flawed man. One who's hurt me one too many times by keeping one too many secrets."

"Natalie, I don't understand."

"Of course you don't. I thought you understood me, only now I see you never did, or you would've told me. My Christian's dead, Christian Vega isn't, is he, John?"

"Natalie," he sighed. "You don't understand the position I was in. He begged me not to tell anyone. He feels that you're better off. He killed Tico. He's taken responsibility for it and he knows that he'll be in Statesville for a long time. He hates what he put you all through. And I think a part of him is afraid of what he might still be programmed to do."

Biting her lip, she shook her head, "why didn't you tell anyone!"

"Because he asked me not to. And because it was the least I could after ruining his life."

"And what about mine? Did you ever think of mine or were you going to make the ultimate sacrifice by marrying me? Is that the real reason you wanted to get married? Why you wanted to wait before we made love?"

"No, I didn't want to give you the chance to change your mind. As for the waiting, well, I wanted to prove that you meant more to me than just. . . that's how Evangeline and I started and I wanted you know that it wasn't just sex," he shook his head as he reached out and bracketed her shoulders with his hands. "Damnit, Natalie. You're the first person since Caitlyn died that I've said I love you to. You have to know. . ."

"I have to know what?" she asked angrily as she pulled away. "G-d, you can't just. . . you're the first person since Chris that I've said those words to, but right now it doesn't seem to mean a whole lot."

"You don't mean that."

"Don't you dare tell me what I do or don't mean, McBaine," she retaliated as she moved around him. "Love isn't always enough. Look at my parents. Or better yet the train wreck that is my Uncle Todd and Blair."

"We're not like them, Natalie."

"Aren't we? Isn't one of us trying to change or control the other? Pretend to trust, but don't? Isn't there always some impossible situation?"

"We can get pass this."

"Oh, can we?"

"Natalie, if you'd just hear me out. . ."

"I would've. If you had come to me then, I would have. G-d, John, I was so town up inside. Felt so guilty because I should've been glad my husband was back, but. . . he was so different, and there were my feelings for you and. . . I was betrayed. . . I felt so taken advantage of when he turned out not to be Christian. In some ways, it was like he had raped me. . . but I could never. . ." she shook her head on the tears that she was trying to keep from falling. "I watched him plead, and say he loved me. I saw a flicker of the man I had loved then. It was really him for a moment and I had to deny it. Antonio, Carlotta, and I had to loose him again and it was all a LIE!"

"We didn't know till later. He made the choice. . ."

"Don't you get it! It wasn't either of yours to make!"

"What would've changed if I told?"

"Carlotta would have her son. Antonio his brother."

"And what about you? Would you have your husband?"