Guardian Roommates: Chapter 13: The Hacking

I live! Not really. Sorry for the long delay, everyone, but I've had like no ideas for this story in a month. I dunno about the rest of you guys, but when it comes to ideas, I like for them to come to me and not be forced, because it kind of becomes obvious, me thinks. And guess what? I'm heading out of the state just this week for vacation. Fun. Anyway, the story continues... not that there's any real plot in all of this.

Leviathan laid down on her bed, anxiously waiting. She constantly kept her eyes on anything that resembled a clock. The three watches on each of her arms, the five clocks on her room, even the soccer ball that the kids would play with would often smash into Leviathan's head.

Shipping takes two weeks, the form said.

Harpuia was walking by, noticing that Leviathan was anxiously and impatiently reading through all her magazines, despite they had been well over ten years old. Surely social advice and how to please boys would be useless, but he started to get a bit frightened when he noticed she was ripping out pages, putting them in her mouth, and then playing a game of spitball into a metal vase in the corner. Soon, she started just tossing entire magazines in her mouth and spat the whole spitwad at the vase.

Any more insanity from her and she was bound to toss furniture and other reploids in her mouth, so Harpuia took a deep breath and went in.

"Time out, I haven't seen you this bored since we went to that hot-dog cooking competition that Fefnir forced us to attend in high school. What gives?"

She just continued to chew apart whatever magazine she consumed, "That delivery is taking forever to get here!"

His eyes narrowed, "What delivery?"

Her eyes fluttered dreamily just thinking about it, "Oh, I ordered a rare weapon. It has everything, it's shiny, it's pretty, it's sharp…" she trailed off.

Harpuia noticed a piece of paper near her closet and pulled it off, observing its contents, "A shiny sword that has the power to make you do whatever you want, whenever you want, and… looking by this print-out, it looks like a little girl's toy."

"It's going to be this little girl's toy," she retorted, talking about herself. "And I don't want to wait for it any longer!"

He put the print-out back on Levi's closet, having a bad feeling about what he was going to ask.

"When exactly did you send off for this?"

"This morning."

Harpuia then ran out of the room and slammed his head into the wall, leaving Leviathan all alone to chew up spitwads.

"Drinking the coffee a bit earlier today, I see," spoke a red reploid that was now next to Harpuia.

"Hi Fefnir. I'm having a little private moment with the wall. You mind?"

Fefnir just shook his head, "Nope, I'll leave you two lovers alone."

After Fefnir passed by him, Harpuia head-butted the wall next to him, this time flying back in pain as the wall suffered no damage.

"Gah! I hit a stud! Ow-ow-ow-ow-oooowwwww!"

"It's here! It's here! It's here!" cried an ecstatic Leviathan as she ran to every room to show every person the box that arrived in the mail, including both male and female bathrooms, even popping up on Ciel's computer. Finally, it came to a stop when she approached Harpuia, who grabbed her by the neck as she ran off to find another victim.

"Okay, calm down before you snap a blood vessel in your eyes."

Her eyes were already red.

"Okay, calm down before you suffer a heat stroke."

"Reploids don't suffer from heat strokes, Harpuia."

He sighed, "Calm down before you slip and fall on your ass and slide your way past Zero's room again."

"I blame the people who made me and made my ass so shiny and smooth. Whoever thought that riding on your butt through the resistance base halls would be so much fun?"

Harpuia just rolled his eyes, "Okay, thank you for the information, bubble butt. What's all the ruckus about?"

Her eyes turned into blue pearls, "It's here, the sword is here!"

Harpuia just covered his face. It was later that same morning.

She quickly pulled it out of the box, which sliced something as it made its way in front of her.

"Hmm, I don't remember it looking anything like this. Damn those stupid, 'actual product may vary' crap! Oh well, I have a sword now! Check it out, Harpuia!"

The green reploid was nowhere to be seen.

"Um, Harpuia?"

"Down here, weedwhacker!"

Harpuia lay on the floor with his torso sliced in half, trying to get up with his hands.

Leviathan just observed him, "You know, if we didn't need legs, that'd be a good look for you."

He started to fume, which allowed his body to float momentarily, "You idiot! You sliced me in half!"

She carelessly swung her sword the other way, another slice being heard, as she explained, "I'm signed up for classes! No wait, that was bartending college and they rejected my application!"

A male grumble could be heard on the floor, "Gee, I come down here to say hi to my little sis and this is what I get. I've got some tough lovin."

"Shut up, Fefnir," both Levi and Harp snapped back with, although Levi froze when she saw what had happened.

She also sliced Fefnir in half. Again, she looked at her sword.

"Hmm, This thing works better than I thought it would," she gleefully noticed.

"Whoop dee friggin doo," Harpuia interrupted, "Can you get our bodies back together now?"

Instead, she just studied her sides, Harpuia lay on one side and Fefnir on the other. There was something she always wondered, but she never had the time or the opportunity to test it, but now was a good time as any. She picked up both Harpuia and Fefnir's torsos and switched their sides. Harpuia already figured this one out.

"Oh geez, you're not actually going to put my legs on his body?"

Levi nodded, "I've always wondered what would happen."

So right there, she snapped on Harpuia's torso and legs onto Fefnir's body, and Fefnir's torso and legs onto Harpuias… backwards.

Fefnir almost screamed when he came to, earlier being distracted by a spider on the floor. 'WAAAAAAAAAH!"

"My sentiments exactly…" Harpuia quietly mumbled.

Fefnir was about to explode, "Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big and red?"

Harpuia became uncomfortable with the fact that Fefnir was staring at his rear end, even though it wasn't really his.

"Why don't you take a picture to show your folks?"

Suddenly, Fefnir ran into the wall.

Harpuia just stood in surprise, "Hmm, I didn't think that would actually work."

Despite being disconnected from his body, Harpuia was still able to control his legs, forcing Fefnir to run into the walls over and over and over and over again. He actually got a kick out of it.

"Stop running into the walls. Stop running into the walls. Stop running into the walls," he taunted.

Suddenly, he flew in the air and landed straight on his back, then it happened again, and again.

Fefnir was roaring, "Hah, two can play at that came, Harpuia! Quit falling on your ass! Quit falling on your ass!"

Harpuia stretched out his arms, pressing his hands against the wall, allowing him to keep himself stationary above the floor, where Fefnir's legs had no effect, "You moron, you're forcing me to fall on your ass!"

"Both of you, stop it!" Leviathan fumed as she swung her sword around, yet another slice surrounding the room.

"Gee, I come to get some toilet paper and this happens," Zero groaned, legs and torso on one side and his chest, arms and head on another.

"Welcome to the party," Harpuia grimly welcomed.

"Hey Zero, what's blue, dumb, and sharp? A girl with a weapon!" Fefnir cackled madly at his own joke.

No one else was laughing, especially Leviathan.

"Shut up shut up shut up!" she roared, slicing her sword everywhere and sending pieces of Harpuia, Fefnir and Zero everywhere.

"You know," Zero spoke, "Why is it when mavericks tell me that they're going to slice me to pieces that they never do, and yet now when I'm not expecting it I get hacked in half?"

"By a girl, no doubt!" Fefnir replied.

"I know what you mean…" Harpuia groaned, "I can't believe it. Leviathan doesn't know what she's doing and now there's pieces of us everywhere."

Leviathan whined more, thinking that all the boys in the room were making fun of her, and at this point, Harpuia.

"What? You think you can handle this? Well, here!"

She quickly tossed it to Harpuia's arms, which swung the sword once before dropping it.

Leviathan joined the boys in the half-body party.

Harpuia just smirked, "Just one swing. Wish I had that luck when I had to fight Zero. Hmm…"

Just as Harpuia got the sinister idea of attacking Zero with the sword, it was suddenly pulled from his hand.

"Oh, here it is! I've been looking all over for this!"

It was none other than the human nightmare herself, Ciel.

Leviathan almost went pale, "What are you talking about?"

Ciel then pulled a small box from her pockets and tossed it to Leviathan's upper half, "Oh, this came in the mail for you."

Leviathan fainted when she opened it, it was the very item she ordered earlier that day, and as Harpuia said earlier, it was indeed a child's toy.

"I'll leave you robots to play while I take this," Ciel finished, picking up the sword and leaving the vicinity.

Zero was almost fanatical, "Wait a second, Ciel! What would you need with a sword like that?"

He and Fefnir grew scared as Harpuia just sat quietly.

"A sword?" Ciel laughed, "Please, this is just the new butter knife I ordered today. I think I left the other one in the oven and, well, I've got some of the boys up there in cleanup duty. You guys have fun…" she trailed off as she whistled 'Crash' from the first game (and not the 'Remastered' version).

Everyone else just dropped to the floor.

Harpuia just shook his head, "Well, this is not how I expected to spend my day,"

Zero managed to get on his hands and walk around, "Well, this isn't as bad as the time Ciel hacked off the heads and torsos of all the resistance members as a 'training exercise'. She put my head on one of the female reploid's bodies. That was just plain horrible. I mean, I remember when morons would hit on me in my earlier days of joining Maverick Hunter HQ because they thought only girls had long blonde hair, but now having the body of the girl, that was just plain scary. More scary when it was one with a girl's head with a man's body."

"Too much information…" Harpuia complained.

"How'd you get out of that?" Fefnir curiously wondered.

"Remember when you guys were still in Neo Arcadia and tricked us into an ambush and blew us up by a bomb and it looked like our bodies were destroyed? Actually, we fell apart and found our rightful parts," Zero answered.

Harpuia remembered, "Ah, yes, I remember. That was the same day Fefnir lost his action figure in the toilet and managed to flush himself down just to find it."

"And guess what? I did! It's going to be a cold storm in hell before I ever lose Major Snakley!" Fefnir proudly ranted.

To change the scene, Leviathan managed to hop onto her hands, looking puzzled.

"Um, you guys? Why aren't we dead? I mean, I remember the reports where Zero would hack someone in half and they'd go boom. Why's that not happening now?"

Harpuia and Fefnir didn't know. For the first time the whole day, Leviathan made sense.

Zero knew, though, "No no no no no… You have to be near-dead and then get hacked in half to die. Now if you get hacked in half when you're not under any damage, you'll just take damage."

"Oooooooooooooh," the guardians all acknowledged in unison.

"Well," Fefnir started, "There's been something I've always wanted to do but never had the chance to."

"Eat a hot dog and pour milk up your nose?" Harpuia guessed, "You did that last week, again mind you."

"No no no no," Fefnir replied, "Watch this."

He managed to get on his hands and walked towards the lower half of Leviathan's torso and snapped it on. Her face dropped as she came to witness this, more so when she saw what his plan was.

Somehow gaining control of her legs, Fefnir started running full speed on her feet and suddenly sat, letting Leviathan's butt take the pain, and much to Leviathan's embarrassment, he was sliding across the entire hall riding her butt.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he cried, clearly enjoying the ride.

"Fefnir!" Leviathan yelled.

Quickly, she got on her hands and walked all the way to Zero's lower torso, snapped on, and chased Fefnir in a similar manner. Zero's rear was shiny and smooth enough to ride through the halls also.

"Get back here, you pervert!" she cried as she rode away.

"Hmm," Zero speculated, "I had no idea my ass could do that."

Harpuia paused, "Yes, you did."

"Okay, so I did, but it's a trade secret," Zero beamed with a bright smile.

Harpuia hated being a reploid.

Later on, all four came to the kitchen, all with someone else's legs. Leviathan was in Zero's, Fefnir was in Leviathan's, Harpuia was in Fefnir's again, and Zero stole Harpuia's legs.

Fefnir didn't know what was going on, whispering to Zero, "Any reason why Ciel wanted us up here?"

Zero just narrowed his eyes, "It's the kitchen, Fefnir. My guess? Trap us into another experimental dinner."

Suddenly, chairs popped up from the floor and before they knew it, they were completely strapped in, unable to escape. Ciel popped out of the shadows of the dark room, wearing a bright smile as always.

"Anyone want to know what I cooked tonight?"

"Eye of a peacock with tomato salad?" Levi guessed.

"Salmon with nacho cheese mixed with cereal again?" Fefnir guessed.

"Mutated swamp milkshake?" Zero guessed.

"Dogshit taco?" Harpuia guessed.

In an instant, Harpuia's legs and upper torso turned into an icecube. Lucky for Zero and Fefnir, they didn't feel the effects of the wristbands that Ciel placed on the guardians when they arrived.

"Ha ha, very funny Harpie," Ciel laughed sarcastically, before revealing to them her surprise, "Behold! A pizza with all the goods. French vanilla ice cream, mustard, pickles, chocolate, and lastly, fruitcake jalapenos! I'd love to see how you guys like it, but I'm needed in my lab for some reason."

With that, she slowly made her way out of the kitchen, leaving Zero and the guardians to stare at the animating and bubbling meal Ciel cooked up.

Fefnir had his eyes on Leviathan, "I blame you for this."

"How much do you guys want to bet that if I add hot water to this, the explosion will be worth remembering?" Zero asked.

"How do you suppose we do that?" Harpuia muffled, seeing as they were all still strapped to their seats and he was still an icecube.

Zero cleared his throat, "Fef, see if you can pull your fire your guns over the pizza. Levi, you shoot ice from you scythe... You do have your scythe on you, don't you?"

She nodded, "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Don't ask me how that works, I don't even know."

With that, she pulled her scythe out of virtually nowhere, and Fefnir pulled out his guns from... nowhere either, and both did as instructed. Levi's ice turned hot as Fefnir's flames heated them up, and shortly afterward...

BOOM

The four of them walked out of the kitchen, finally with their bodies on the right legs, except for poor Harpuia who was now one big icecube as opposed to two earlier.

"Okay, how'd you know that was going to happen?" Fefnir wondered.

"Isn't it obvious?" Levi answered, "You add water to acid and it makes an explosion. Or was it acid to water? Agh, I can't remember, I bombed all my science classes in high school. But I think you get the picture."

When she was done, Leviathan almost dropped as nobody was paying attention to her. Zero put on his headphones and Fefnir, well...

"Kitty!"

That says enough. Frustrated, Leviathan stormed off to her room.

Meanwhile...

"Um, guys, a little help here?"

Poor icecube Harpuia.

I'll see what ideas I can cook up when I head for Texas this week. Hopefully I'll have something before then. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and leave feedback this time! I need to play the first three games over and over and over and over to get some ideas or something.