Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, thank god, though I'd like to play with Alucard a little :p X/1999 belongs to the queens of Anime and Manga, Clamp! The things Pip says belong to Monty Python.
Author's Thanks: thanks go to Creeping Down the Hallways reviewers: L., Constantly Baffled, A Schrödinger Fan may I just point out that the wolf boy 'aint my fav. Character (sorry), leann (Schrödinger is not cute!), HentaiChibisAttack sorry but Creeping was a one-shot!,and many thanks to the very talented DreadNot!
This too is a one-shot!
Birthday Gifts
Once upon a time a dark night came upon the world.
Saying the night was merely 'dark' would be an understatement, let me describe it better:
It was evil this night, so dark, so cruel, so cold and horrible! The citizens innocently walking the streets of London all agreed that this night was something….very, VERY ominous! The moon was constantly hidden by a thick layer of malicious clouds, threatening to break into a cruel hailstorm might they feel like torturing humankind anymore then they were already doing as they hid all sources of light.
The wind blew cruelly through the treetops, howling in the dark streets. A thousand bats swarmed through the lightless sky, filling the air with their screaming shrills and clicks (I know, I know, clicks aren't very evil but bats use echolocation and a big part of it is clicking so deal with it!).
It was on this night that Alucard had his birthday.
For the sake of this fic let us avoid the philosophic, if not theological, debate over which date a vampire celebrates his birthday (by mortal birthday or by 'death day'; the time when he first drank the Dark Blood) and concentrate on the events of this horrible night:
Alucard received his first birthday gift the very minute he finished breakfast.
Walter approached him when the medical blood's bag was still hanging from his mouth, held by his fangs. "Happy birthday sir Alucard!" he greeted the ancient vampire with the kindest grin.
"Well, I'm glad to see you're not still keeping that old grudge against me!" Alucard chirped merrily at the sight of a small gift in Walter's hand.
Alucard was referring to an incident some 50 (or so) years ago.
At the time Young Walter walked up to Alucard, holding a heavy gift wrapped box for his comrade.
The box very heavy but Walter didn't care, he really wanted to see the surprised and happy expression on Alucard's face.
Walking was a bit difficult since there was a Last Battalion Captain attached to his leg, not letting go and mumbling something about revenge in German, but Walter wanted to make Alucard happy so he stubbornly limped his way towards the vampire.
"Happy birthday Master Alucard!" the teen Walter chirped merrily, trying to leap up and down with happiness but failing due to the Captain on his leg (who stopped mumbling by now).
"Aw" Alucard ruffled Walter's hair brotherly "you didn't have to".
"I did I did! You're so cool! And you have a birthday so I just wanted to say that I love you Alucard and…."
"Now now Walter dear boy, this is shonen manga, behave appropriately"
Walter shook his head violently "Oh, right sir, don't know what came upon me" the authoress reading too much yaoi is what came upon him actually "I meant to say that I want to wish you a happy birthday and I got this aaaaall for you!" he handed the box for Alucard to open.
The No Life King took the box and gently removed it's wrapping, opening it to discover a charming tea set of the finest china inside.
"It's a tea set…" he mumbled.
"Yes" chirped the genki young Walter, now gathering enough stamina to try and bounce on his toes "because I love making tea so I thought I might share this with you and make you tea whenever you want because I really think you're cool and….oh…I'm getting into that mode again aren't I?"
Alucard nodded.
"So sorry, anyways, this is the finest china there is out there, just for your birthday. It cost me about 80 of my paycheck for our last operation" he said, pointing at his Captain-ed leg "but it's okay because I'm going to stay here for a long, long time and I'll be able to make a lot of tea for me and….."
The reason why Walter stopped talking was because Alucard began taking out the tea set's various parts and began feeding them to the shooting practice machine instead of the usual clay plates he used for it.
One by one, and with great delight, Alucard shot the whole tea set to the sky and smashed it with his gunshots. The finest china available in England, at the time, the finest decorations, all those charming little saucers and milk pots, all gone to waste.
When the tea set was completely smashed and broken Alucard turned around with a big happy smile aimed at Walter "Thank you! It was a wonderful birthday present kiddo!"
But Walter was deaf, his immense sadness filling his ears. His big eyes filled to the brim and leaking with tears, his lower lip trembling with escaping sobs, his body shaking with pain. He burst into tears, crushing into the Captain's comforting arms (hey, evil a vampire super villain has to have enough kindness in his to understand Walter's woes).
"Yes, as you might have noticed, I got over that old insult pretty quickly" the newer days Walter said with a bit of a cringe at the memory of old pains.
"I had to notice since it's the first birthday gift I got from you since that incident"
"Just open the bloody present, will you"
"Okay kiddo!"
Alucard unwrapped what looked like a medium sized ticket. On the plastic covered page, surrounded in gold and bearing the hologram sticker of the association it came from, the following lines were written:
Congratulations: Alucard,
You just received a lifetime supply of WD40(1) which will be delivered right to your doorstep!
Along with your cans you will also receive a special tool box containing brushes, flannelettes (2) and a ramrod (3) ensuring you the highest quality of gun cleaning experience!
Happy Birthday!
this gift is courtesy of the God I Love My Big Long Gun So Much My Wife's Starting To Suspect I'm Not Into Her Kind society!
Alucard was so speechless with bliss he stood dumbfound for many long minutes.
When he finally recovered, stopped shaking and whipped the tears from his eyes he grabbed Walter for a tight hug, whimpering an enthusiastic "I love you Walter, in a very Shonen manga manly brotherhood kind of way!"
Walter had to spend the next few days without proper use of his shoulders after Alucard's enthusiastic hug.
The next birthday gift came from Alucard's faithful fledgling, Seras Victoria.
"Happy birthday master!" she chirped, dealing him and big warm hug and a peck on the cheek. She shoved a big heavy box into his hands.
Alucard weighed the box carefully, frowning a bit "Umm, police girl, should a collection of some of your best panties and braziers weigh so much?"
Victoria glared at him like he was an annoying classmate "That's not what it is"
"Awww, but that's what I asked for my birthday, No fair!" then his face brightened suddenly "Is it Integra underwear because she just might be wearing chastity belts for panties so the weight would make sense…" his hopeful chat was cut short by Victoria's scowl "Awwww….but I asked for those too….." he was on the brink of tears.
"Just open the damn thing already!" she almost screamed at him, stopping only because she realized it's not nice to scream at somebody on his birthday.
Alucard unwrapped a large pile of books by Anne Rice. He stared at them, puzzled, then at his fledgling.
"It's her Vampire Chronicles sir, I thought you'd might like to read them"
"Why!"
"For a laugh" she said, winking.
And indeed, for the next few nights Alucard could be found in his private chamber flipping through the books, bursting out in laughter and yelling out the occasional "Fags!" (this is the American meaning of 'fag' a.k.a a reference to someone homosexual, and not the British meaning a.k.a a reference to a cigarette).
Indeed, Victoria's gift came of use for her master.
Alucard was just coming up the stairs to the mansion's main living room to brag about his gifts to Integra when his third birthday present rang the doorbell.
Walter let Fr. Alexander Anderson in. The maddened priest was wearing a huge pink gift wrapping ribbon tied at his left shoulder with a large fancy frill.
He placed himself a good distance from Alucard and began waving his fist at the vampire. "'Apy biathdee ye daak mongrel uuf hiil!" he called out.
The living room, now containing Walter, Seras, Alucard, Integra and Pip, stilled with a heavy confused silence.
Fr. Anderson sighed and handed a fancy page for Integra to read.
She scanned the text, reading out loud as she did so.
"Happy birthday you dark mongrel of hell.
"If no one can understand what you're saying hand this page for the snarling blond virgin to read…." Integra raised her angry eyes from the text and handed the page to Victoria "Here police girl, it's for you to read"
Victoria did not move an inch. "I don't think so" she chimed like a big proud afro-American on one of those Jerry Springer/Ricky Lake shows.
Integra snarled at her.
"I rest my case, it's for you to read" he younger vampire grinned maliciously.
Cursing under her breath, Integra began reading the rest of the page.
"Wave your fist in the air and scream at the filthy, blasphemous nosferatu"
Fr. Anderson took in battle position and waved his fist angrily at Alucard's general direction. To the sound of Integra's words he waved his fist dramatically.
"Why you filthy, smelly piece of vampiric sh-t, I hate you with every fiber of my catholic being you unearthly, profane monster! Your master is a sow and you yourself are impious hybrid of all that's wrong and bad deep down in the scum of hell!"
"Oh! Oh!" Pip suddenly interfered, clapping his hands merrily "I know zis! I know zis!
"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mozer waz a hamster and your fazer smelt of elderberriez, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called No Life King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets"
A huge sweat drop hung above the room's residents.
"Uh….it seems I got a bit carried away, I apologize!" Pip whimpered, looking sideways most uncomfortably.
"What does all of this mean?" Alucard was beginning to get impatient as the presence of Anderson always made his blood thirst soar to unbearable levels.
"It says here that your birthday gift from the Vatican's 13th order is a free fight with Fr. Anderson, no hard feelings guaranteed no matter what you do to the priest" Integra said with much amazement at the thoughtful present.
Alucard didn't have to hear it twice; he leaped into bloody battle three nano-seconds after his master finished reading the letter.
With the sounds of explosions and war cries for their background, Victoria and Walter sat for a cup of popcorn and enjoyed the show.
"Aww, aren't they sweet when they're playing together so nicely?" Victoria chirped.
"Come on, Victoria, Walter, let's give them some privacy" Integra shepherded them out of the room which was slowly catching fire and gathering shell holes on it's walls and floor.
Five hours later Fr. Anderson left the Hellsing mansion, lighting a cigarette and humming to himself of what a good fight that was and that he should be doing this more often.
As he exited through the main door he brushed past the Valentine Brothers.
"Happy fing birthday you fring f fo mother lo man" the victim of a nail gun crossfire incident amongst the two called out.
"What do you want? There's nothing good the two of you can give me after what I did with Anderson" Alucard spat at them scornfully.
"Fing shonen fling manga man, tr bling shonen manga!"
"Oh, right" Alucard blinked a few times "what could you possibly challenge me with as a birthday gift after the glorious blood and guts filled brawl I had with Anderson?" he repeated his words more clearly.
"L-p still sounds fli-- funny to tr--- me…." Jan mumbled.
"Hush now dear brother" Luke sang out, tripping on whatever drug he took last "we're here to give Alucard his birthday present, not start a brawl with him"
He walked up to the pile of debris and broken ex-living room on which Alucard stood and handed a small plastic box for the vampire.
"Happy birthday!"
Alucard flipped the tiny box scornfully before opening it and pulling out the little cardboard square inside it "What's this?" he sighed.
"It's f-ing drugs man, fli-ing drugs to p-f---a-te your mind out man!" the more pitiful of the brothers barked out.
"Put it on your tongue and I guarantee you'll have a very happy birthday" Luke said, winking, before he grabbed his foulmouthed brother and ran away before Alucard pulls a gun or a hell hound out of himself.
Alucard scrutinized the cardboard stamp and shrugged, placing it on his mutant-size tongue.
Bright white light surrounded him as his mind entered an unknown realm.
He was floating in space, slowly drawing near Earth. His ethereal body hovered all the way down until he was flying above the city of Tokyo at nighttime. "Behold!" a faint feminine voice rank dramatically in his ears "the city of Tokyo, the keystone of this planet, Willis"
Suddenly, in the fit of an awful earthquake, slits in the very earth itself opened into gashes burning of red hot lava. The gashes formed the shape of a Star of David glowing in the night.
Seven red lava dragons leaped out of the earth's core, rising up to the heavens. "Behold! the Seven Dragons of Earth, Willis Willis" the woman cried out again.
"Behold! The Seven Dragons of Heaven, Willis Willis Willis" she spoke once more. Alucard was in space again, watching at the seven red dragons reached out to seven other dragons, blue ones who flew at them from the very stars around Alucard. The fourteen dragons fought together until another beam of light filled Alucard's vision and sent him back to earth.
But the earth he saw now was in the state of disaster; all the buildings mankind erected lay shattered in ruins amidst an unending desert.
As he stood on a piece of torn concrete road Alucard noted he was not alone in this hallucination. He turned around and saw an albino midget woman with long white hair, a flowing white kimono and big sad red eyes. She floated by his side, trapped within a glass bubble formed like the planet earth in really cool graphics.
"Alucard!" the midget called out dramatically "please save this Earth! Willis!"
Thinking himself to be manly enough as to not shoot a woman like he might do with any other figment of his diseased mind coming to him in his dreams, Alucard merely shrugged.
"Please!" she cried again "Alucard! Please save this earth, Willis Willis"
"Ah screw this, I'm going home!"
Alucard opened his eyes and discovered that he was back in reality, lying in the midst of the living room's ruins. He shook his head from the last fragments of whatever drugs the stamp was soaked full of and got up.
Walter awaited him at the bottom of the stairways leading down to his chamber "Your master awaits you with your birthday present sir" the old butler said with a cunning smile.
Alucard's face lit up merrily "Is it a collection of her best panties and braziers?"
"No…." the butler sighed, exasperated.
"….Is it her dressed only in her best panties and bra?"
"Not that either I'm afraid old chap"
"Awwww…..what is it then?" the vampire sighed disappointment leaking out of his every undead pore.
"She's given you a free piss-me-off, no hard feelings and no punishments"
At once the No Life King regained his happiness and leaped up to Integra's office.
The (virgin and snarling) blond chief was sitting at her table doing her usual paperwork when, through the wall to her left, Alucard began to slowly emerge. He had the utmost silliest happy look on his face and he drew it mere inches from her face.
Integra ignored him.
Alucard withdrew back into the wall, only to re-emerge in the same fashion from the wall to her right. His expression became even sillier and the distance between her and him was tiny.
She ignored him still.
Once again Alucard withdrew, only to emerge from the ceiling above her, glaring happiness down at her until the very tips of his unruly black mop were a breath from obscuring her view.
Integra ignored him more.
He leaped from the ceiling to the other side of her desk, stopping to do some serious planning.
Suddenly he burst back into action, gathering his mighty power and evil force "Releasing control lock to level 2...level1...Cromwell approval now in effect. Unleashing…..the Police Girl technique!" he billowed dramatically.
Victoria, who was leaning against the door of Integra's office, chewing on some popcorn with Walter suddenly filled with pride and happiness "He named one of his fighting methods after me" she whimpered, tears of joy in her eyes.
Alucard snapped out of his extra-evil stance and zoomed over to Integra's side again, this time approaching her from below. His eyes were huge and innocent and the silly expression never once left his face. "MAAAAAAASTEEEEEEER?" he chirped annoyingly.
Integra twitched.
Alucard moved behind her, leaned his head on her shoulder and stared deep into her ignoring eyes with that annoying/innocent silly look "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER?" he whimpered like a little child.
Integra twitched once more, a vein on her forehead beginning to swell with anger.
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" Alucard purred as he begged for Integra's attention once more, rubbing against her arm like an extra attention-deprived kitty.
"THAT'S IT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND SHUT THE HELL UP YOU ANNOYING GIT!" the blond woman suddenly burst out roaring madly.
Alucard ran away. Skip hopping and waving his hands in the air singing "Yaaaaay! And you can't do anything about it master, because you said it's for freeeeee!".
He brushed past Victoria who was wrapped in Walter's arms, shaking with sobs and miserable, heartbroken whimpers.
The last present came in a long, black, old fashioned Volkswagen.
The Last Battalion's werewolf eased out of it, fought his way through the frightening amount of fan girls, ran away from the authoress trying to burn his swastika armband, and managed to reach Alucard who was waiting for him at the front gate.
Along with him Schrödinger dragged Alhambra The Dandy, who was horribly decorated with a large bright blue gift wrapping ribbon with a frilly big pompon at his right shoulder.
"Happy birthday Alucard!" the werewolf beamed, looking uke-ier and uke-ier as the minutes ticked by.
"What's this then?" Alucard pointed at the shaking decorated South American.
"It's our birthday present to you!"
"Oh? And what use could I make of him then?"
Schrödinger winked and leaned in to whisper "Target practice".
Alhambra whimpered miserably as Alucard's grin began expanding until it almost covered his face.
"Vell, goodbye zen" but he didn't make it to the car for Alucard quickly grabbed the uke-ish shonen character and hugged him so tightly the poor werewolf's shoulders suffered the same as Walters did for the next few days.
And so, happy and content, Alucard scanned over what was left of his birthday presents before he snuggled down for sleep in his coffin, mumbling as he slowly dozed off of how wonderful his birthday was this year and of the many plans he had for all the gifts he didn't quite destroy fully yet.
(End)
(1) WD40 is a very good lubricant/cleaning liquid that you spray on rusted hinges and lock to re-oil them into better shape but it is also used for cleaning firearms because it keeps a good protective lubricating layer on the metal.
(2) Flannelettes are small pieces of thin extra absorbent flannel used to clean firewarms.
(3) ramrods are long thin metal sticks on which's tip you slip a small piece of flannelette and clean the inside of the barrel of your firearm of choice….then you put too much flannelette and the rod gets stuck inside and your commander laughs at you for being over tidy and cleaning your M16 too much and then he sends you, ashamed, to the armory and…..sorry, traumas from my service,…