Ch.4 Wild banquet
/You are my strength and my weakness.
Every happiness you hold is my joy, every pain you bear is my agony.
Bear with me my love.
I know you are strong enough to hold on this love as I'll always for you./
The moon, dancers, music, feast and wine crowded the night in Bactria. Alexander sat amongst his generals and companions. His eyes looked at the crowded try to find his soul comforter, he knew Hephaistion had arrived but he stuck with Parminion and other generals arguing on his new plan to explore further east. He thought that Hephaistion would come to see him in the meeting so he continued and waited for his lover. However, everytime the door pushed open, he didn't see his friend come through. It is a long and agitated waiting but he continued patiently. After the meeting was over, Hephaistion still didn't come to see him so he rushed out to his lover's room but his page told Alexander that Hephaistion went out for a ride.
"What? Why he went out for a ride after a long trip he had from Sidon?"
A page nodded and informed that before Hephaistion left, he told a page he'll go for a ride and will come back for a banquet. Alexander felt disappointed and disturbed, he knew something wrong with his friend , Hephaistion always love to ride alone when he wanted to clear his mind or to think of something which bothering him. Then, he would come back, Hephaistion always came back (to him). So he was waiting, waiting and waiting. But until now, he could not see Hephaistion either in the crowd or joining him. It really made him nervous and angered to his lover. How long his lover going to torture him with this long waiting. It is ridiculous how Hephaistion made him feel angry and needy simultaneously.
Several times he forced himself to turn his attention joining conversation between his Generals, but mostly he thought he lost and said something irrelevant to their discussion until Ptelomy talked to him "Are you really listening to us, Alexander" He didn't argue with Ptelomy, he was staring to a crowd when he saw a familiar figure in a far opposite of his position. Hephaistion wore thick fur cloak and looked so lost and so beautiful as always. Amongst the crowd, his lover's grace look was more strinking and distinctive from the others. But today, something in his lover eyes had changed. Hephaistion looked like a deer walk in to a pack of wolfs. He seemed lost and he didn't try to look for Alexander as he used to. Instead he came to join Perdicass and talked with him steadily. His eyes were beautiful even in the distant, but today these beautiful eyes were not looking for Alexander. He noticed Hephaistion glanced at Bagoas who stood gracefully in his stylish white robe on the right of a circle not far from Alexander's seat. But still, Hephaistion didn't look at him, he simply turned back and looked at the dancer in the middle of a circle. Alexander bearly sat still, he wanted to walk to Hephaistion and punished his lover for his negligent. However, it was not a custom to leave his host in the middle of a feast. So he sat still, waiting and longing for his lover.
The tone of music had changed, a floor filled of dancers in the unique elegant dress. His eyes were enticed by the strange black round eyes looked directly at him. Her figures was slant and mysterious under the strange cloth and her mysterious eyes hidden by string of beads. Her acrobat dance and music drew his attention from his lover. He felt lust and desired from these black eyes. He heard his Persian General talked to him.
"She cares for you, Alexander. She is the daughter of Bactria's chief. One of the most beautiful girl around here and she have eyes on you."
Alexander didn't answer anything and before a dance end, he noticed some fighting where his lover stand, he saw Cleitus punching Hephaistion and Perdicass tried to stop Cleitus. His heart was beating hard, he wanted to go to Hephaistion, he promised to himself he would go to his friend right after this dance was over. However, before it ended, Hephaistion left the crowd and disappeared in to the buildings. Alexander hated himself, how many times he failed to his lover, failed to protect and failed to stand by Hephaistion as his lover always did for him. His hand was bound by king's duty and his heart was pinned by King's position.
Before the feast was over, he told Ptelomy for his early retired and walked directly to his lover room. Hephaistion room was dark and quiet. No light was shining from his room. His door closed and stood as a great wall preventing his lover from Alexander. He turned the knob and looked for Hephaistion in the dark. He saw a dim figure of Hephaistion lied on his bed. He felt silent biting his will to invade his lover solitude. Cold air in the room actuated his need to touch a warm body of his lover. He wanted to reach out to his lover but frighten that the figures lying in front of him would disappear from his sight again. The distant between him and his lover bed was only a few steps but he felt so far away when he could not see his lover eyes looking for him.
"Phai"
"Hephaistion, are you awake"
The body didn't move. It stilled for a moment but seemed as an hour in Alexander mind. Soon his lover turned toward him but still he could not see the beautiful blue eyes that he missed devoutly.
"What's happen Phai? Are you alright? You didn't come to see me. Don't you want to see me anymore my love? What happen between you and Cleitus, that punch?"
Hephaistion was silent. He didn't say anything and didn't look at Alexander in the eyes. He seemed to shy and try to hide away.
"What's happen my love? Why don't you look at me? Phai?"
"Alexander…. I don't know. Please…. I'm so loss..I don't know where I should stand next to you anymore my love. I failed to you, I ashamed for my jealousy and my weakness soul. I didn't deserve to be your Petroculous."
Alexander walked toward Hephaistion. He hold his lover face and looked in to his eyes.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of my love. You are the most beautiful thing in my life. Your place is always here in my heart. No one can take you away from me, no distant can separate your heart from mine."
They both looked into each other eyes and Alexander gently touched Hephaistion soft hair before he gave him a grin
"Are you really jealous of me, Hephaistion?" Alexander knew rumor of him bedding Bagoas would come to Hephaistion and he amused by his lover emotional on that subject.
"You know it is not my place to jealous of you, I am not your wife and will never be" Hephaistion bowed down escaping Alexander's eye.
Alexander laughed "Of course, you will never be my bloody wife, but you are everything to me, my love. You have every right to be jealous of me, because I'll feel the same if I heard you have a new boy around."
"It is not funny, Alexander. And I didn't like this feeling which almost torn me apart"
Alexander sat next to his lover and turn to look in to his lover eyes.
"No, my love. I'm sorry. It is not fun. It is me who love you more than anything and it is me who hurt because of your mistrust in our love. I never bed Eunuch Bagoas, Phai. How do you think less of me to bed a boy who passed from a former Persian king Darius."
Alexander eyes looked seriously before he went on. "However, he is quite a talent boy and help me through all these non-sense Persian custom and their court manner. Also, it is help to let other thought me interesting in young Persian boy so that they will acknowledge our way of accepting their life style and their people. It is our dream, Phai, to conquer the world but not as a conqueror but as a ruler who set these people free. Free to think, free to accept the new culture, knowledge, and wisdom as they choose. But first, we have to open their heart and made them accept me as their king, Phai. Don't blind yourself. Never I will touch a boy as I touched you and never I would let him touch me as you did to me, my love."
Hephaistion trembling, his greatest fear was over. His burden heart was lift and all he could do was kissing his lover deeply. Never in his life he will doubt Alexander's love again. Alexander is his king, his guidance and he will follow him to wherever his heart goes.
"You are everything to me my love, don't you know this by now? Phai?" Alexander giggling before he hold his lover head to look in to his lover eyes again. Beautiful blue eyes which he missed so badly.
"My Phai, your love is everything I need to conquer, your face is the only figures I always look for in my dream and anxious to see when I am awake. So please stop your stupid jealousy. It is me who should be jealous over you."
"Stop Bluffing me Alexander"
"Who said I bluffed you, Don't you know how many Macedonian men of mine are following you around like a pack of wolf waiting to take a chance whenever I slipped."
"What are you talking about, Alexander. I am not lambkin ready to be slaughter."
"Yes. But you are the most beautiful man who will be slaughter by the carnal Macedonian men. Many of my men hated me because I sent you away, Cleitus, Philotas,… sometimes I wondered they rather want me to go and leave you with them instead."
Before Hephaistion started his argument. Alexander kissed him, very deep, sweet and breathtaking kiss. He hold his lover tightly until they both hurt. He wanted his lover to know how much he missed him and wanted him. How much he missed his touch and this familiar sweet scent of his lover. How much he wanted to devour his lover and tasted every inch of this beautiful body. How his lover body lusted him and made him intoxicate in every touch. "I love you my love, I want you, I need you."
Hephaistion confusion had been fade away, Alexander always know him. There was nothing more to say between them. They understood each other completely. Alexander always know how to sooth his pain. Bond between them made them know how to fulfil each other desire. Hephaistion understood now, no matter what future and hardness awaited for him, and no matter man or woman came in to Alexander life, they would pass through as long as they had each other. They always knew how to sooth the other's pain and be strong when the other is weak. No matter how far and distant between them, they will always find their path together.
/Never distant separates you from mine, you're always with me, in my mind, my heart, my dream, and my love/