"Are we going to talk about this?" Audrey asked quietly the following afternoon. When she sat in the chair across from his desk, Garret jumped up and shut both of the doors to his office.
"Last night you made it perfectly clear that you don't want to talk about this," he challenged, stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking back to his seat. He and Audrey had been avoiding each other all morning and he hadn't been looking forward to this inevitable confrontation.
"Well I don't want to talk about it, but I think we have to," she reasoned. Garret turned is attention to his work, suddenly afraid to look at her, scared of what he might find written in her face. He decided after she left last night that he wasn't angry, just frustrated. He didn't want to pressure her into leaving her husband but, at the same time he didn't want to be 'the other man' anymore.
"Fine," he said with a sigh. Silence fell between them then and Garret picked up a file from his desk and pretended to read it while he waited for her to speak.
"Could you look at me please?" she asked, obviously annoyed. "I need you to understand this." Garret closed the folder and looked up slowly, but rather than letting her say what she needed to, he tried to avoid the train wreck he felt would come when she finally did.
"Do we have to do this here?" he asked nervously, looking around his office and noticing how many of his employees were wandering about the morgue that day.
"Yes," Audrey said firmly, "because you and I being at odds like this is driving me crazy."
"I'd really rather not do this at the office," he said lowering his voice as an invitation for her to do the same.
"Stop worrying about the office for a minute. Can you do that for me please?" Audrey sighed, suddenly frustrated with his stalling. "Just listen to me okay?"
"Fine," Garret agreed quietly, like a little boy forced to eat his vegetables. He folded his hands and rested them on his desk to show her that she had his undivided attention now.
"Fine," Audrey parroted, taking a deep breath. "Do you remember when I told you about my dad dying when I was just starting med school?" she asked after a moment.
"Yeah," he nodded, silently wondering what her father had to with anything. "Heart attack, right?" he added to show her he had been listening both now and then.
"Yes," she confirmed. "Well, you see, my dad was my hero. I worshiped the ground he walked on and I just went off the deep end with the thought that he wouldn't be around anymore. After the funeral, I went back to school and I sank really, really low. I stopped eating almost completely, skipped most of my classes and attached myself to a bottle of vodka for the better part of two weeks." Audrey took another deep breath and kneaded the fingers of one hand onto the palm of the other. The memory of her father's death was obviously a hard one to swallow and Garret wished he could comfort her, but in the corner of his eye he could see Bug at his desk. He reminded himself that everyone could see him and willed himself to keep his actions professional, even if the conversation wasn't.
"Rodger and I hadn't even known each other that long, but he could see I was headed for trouble." Audrey continued, "So one night he came over and took my drink from me and poured it down the drain. I was furious. I hit him and called him the most awful names. He picked me up and threw me in the shower. When I cooled off he made me a sandwich. He sat at the kitchen table with me and made me eat every bite." Garret's jaw tightened at the mention of her husband's name. He wondered how he could dislike someone so much even though they'd never met.
"Why are you telling me all this?" he asked quickly.
"Because I want you to understand why I can't leave." Audrey's eyes were hopeful, as if she wished her story was enough, that she wouldn't have to explain anymore.
"Well, as much as I love to hear about what a knight in shining armor your husband is, I actually have work to do, so can you speed this up?" Garret was getting restless now and he cast his eyes about the office, making no attempt to hide his discomfort. Audrey sighed and continued.
"He stayed with me until I was back on my feet and then that summer, he asked me to marry him. And even though I loved him I wanted to say no." Audrey bowed her head and Garret knew then that she was ashamed of her admission. He wondered how many others knew she felt this way.
"So why did you say yes?" he asked curiously.
"My dad had been my protector for so long and after he died, I wanted that again. I needed that again and Rodger helped me when I was at my worst. I knew he loved me more than I could ever love him but I felt like I owed him for pulling me out of that hole." Audrey stopped twisting her hands together and set them politely in her lap. "He is the best husband anyone could ask for," she smiled. "He's probably the greatest man I've ever known."
"Well thank you very much," Garret scoffed. He wasn't offended, but thought pretending to be was an appropriate response. Obviously, Audrey saw through his pretense as she puffed an airy laugh through her nose.
"Trust me, if you met him you'd understand. He's never said a bad thing to anyone or done anything wrong in his whole life." Garret nodded solemnly. He hadn't realized that he had been competing with 'Mr. Perfect,' for all these months.
"He's the greatest man you've ever known," he repeated, letting the sentence hang between them for a long moment "but you don't love him," he said finally, thinking that if she did, she never would have betrayed him.
"Yes I do," Audrey corrected quickly, "but it's just not the kind of love I think I should feel for my husband. I love him like a best friend."
"So let me get this straight, here," Garret said narrowing his eyes in skepticism, "you won't leave your passionless marriage to your best friend, Saint Rodger, because by being married to him you can repay him for not letting you kill yourself twenty years ago."
"Yes," Audrey confirmed with a sharp nod.
"And that's okay with you?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest.
"Yes," she said again but this time sounding less sure of herself.
"Well, it's not okay with me," Garret admitted with quiet honesty. "You're not happy with him, Audrey. You and me are good together…No relationship" he started then faltered as his ideas trampled each other in his head, "no relationship I've ever been in has felt more right than this one."
"I know," Audrey agreed almost inaudibly, her eyes fixed on the floor.
"So?" he said, leaving the question hanging heavily in space between them.
"I can't do it, Garret," Audrey said after a time. She looked up at him and Garret could tell she was on the verge of tears. For a moment he wished she would cry, not because he wanted her to hurt, but because through the windows of his office everyone would realize that their relationship was not merely professional and they could put an end to the secrecy. She wiped at her eyes before any tears could fall and continued, "He doesn't deserve this. I can't break his heart like that after twenty years of being an ideal husband."
"But what about your heart?" Garret asked in hushed desperation. "Tell me you're not sick and tired of being unhappy; of being denied your wants because of his job."
"Garret," Audrey breathed. She obviously knew what he was alluding to and a sad slump of her shoulders stopped him before he could go any further. Instead he changed directions and asked for her help.
"What do I have to say to get you understand how good leaving him could be for you?" he asked, "for us," he added as a pleasant afterthought.
"But Rodger-"
"Forget Rodger," Garret's voice rose just a little, and remembering where he was, he took a deep breath to calm himself. "Just imagine for a moment there is no Rodger. Just me and you. No secrets. Just us." Audrey stared hard at him from across the room, apparently contemplating his suggestion. After a moment her features softened and she shook her head slowly with a sad smile as if to ask 'what are we going to do?' Before Garret could respond his office door creaked open and Emmy popped her head in.
"Sorry, Dr. Macy," she said quickly, "but I've got the governor's office on the phone for you."
"Can you tell them I'm busy, please?" he asked in as polite a tone he could muster. He hated to be interrupted on a regular day, but today, more than ever, he was anxious to get back to the matter at hand.
"I already did," Emmy insisted, "they said it's really important."
"What I'm doing is really important," Garret reasoned and swept his arm across the room to indicate his 'meeting' with Dr. Jackson. As he moved his arm he swiveled slightly in his chair. His breath caught in his chest when he turned to see Audrey was gone. The opposite door to his office was wide open now and down the hall he could see Audrey turning into her own office. Garret frowned and turned back to Emmy.
"Line two," she said quietly before ducking out of the room. He picked up the phone, punched the flashing button and barked his greeting into the receiver.