Ch.6 I am failed
/One second of murderous and madness, eternity of self-pithy and remorse./
I killed him, with my own hand. I took his life as he was my hatred enemy. I punished my greatest general for his bravery to tell me the truth. To warn me of what was coming. To awake me from my drunken and lustful mind, and here I was, suffering for my own action and pity for my uncontrollable anger. I ashamed of what he saw in me and how much he understand me. I feared that now he would be laughing and pity for my weakness again.
I could not look into Hephaistion eyes and told him that it was not my fault. I was afraid to tell him that my blind jealousy and arrogant brought us to this fall. I knew he would never forgive me even though he said he would. I knew Cleitus would never have a place in my lover's heart as I did but he always the General and friend that gained my lover's respect and trust which was special enough for them both. I know Cleitus feeling's for my lover, and I jealous for his bravery and contentment to love and protect my lover in the way that I couldn't. Even though my lover never returned his love but he was still loyal to him as my lover loyal to me. It was not difficult to fall in love with you, Hephastion. You were the true beauty both in your heart and your soul. However, it must be hard to continue these un-return love. Every time I saw you were in pain by my action, I saw a madness and anger in Cleitus's eye. I knew he hated me, for my action that tortured you. I knew he always protected you.
Still, I was fool enough to separate him from you. I fool enough to jealous a small place you had him in your heart. I was now suffering for what I did. I failed to my great general and I failed to you, my love. Fail to protect you by my jealousy and madness. I afraid this failure would be the beginning of my downfall and led to more dangerous and death-fate to you, my love.
----End---