1 o'clock by: Transcendent
"The leaves are gone. There's ice on the river.
Hold my hand to your heart and breathe.
Together, we won't make a sound
As we part for the winter of my life.
'Till it ends, till this stops… and then? Love?
We'll see while we're left to grieve."
Author's Notes: Go ahead. Beat me. Six months, I admit, is a long fucking time. Be my guest. Hit me. Hard. Many times. Make me pay for my ...whatever you want to call it. Forgetfulness? Uninspiration? Just-not-wanting-to-write-ness?
Anyways, this was edited, of course. I'm really sorry for the long ass wait. I'm not going to say anything about the chapter, it's your decision. I tried to get as many opinions on it as I could, and everyone seemed to like it. BUT ME. However, it doesn't really matter what I think, now does it? I'll probably change it later, when I re-write everything.
Oh. I realized that I said that this chapte rwould be long and that there would be smut. Both wrong. I wanted this chapter to be longer, but Liz said it didn't need anything more. So, basically, I left it at nine pages and called it a goddamn day. No smut. However, there will be some sort of smut next chapter. For sure. No lies!
Dedication: Uh. I'll get back to you on that one.
ALL STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY. DRUGS ARE BAD.
Chapter Ten: Mes Ves Y Sufres
He had been thinking about her ever since the murder of Iria Winner and he knew why. Minako had cried that night and, no less, on the shoulder of Hino Rei. There was a lot to Minako he had yet to find out… and he wondered if she kept it all from him on purpose. Perhaps…
Well, he couldn't really assume anything because he had nothing to work from. Of course, Trowa knew the human psyche better than almost any other, but he knew Minako was different. Typically, people held back things, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and memories, because of a past experience. Although he knew Minako thus far had a pretty rough life, that's all he knew. There hadn't been anything she implied or donated consciously, to his knowledge.
Trowa, actually, hadn't stopped thinking about her since the first day he had set eyes on her. He watched Minako from the doorway, now, as her eyes slowly closed to reveal a coruscating eye shadow. What was she thinking? Most likely, he figured, she was (once again) concentrating on the case that wasn't really any of her business. After all, Minako was a coroner, not a detective, but it was endearing nonetheless.
Her hands set the folders down and she adjusted the small reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose. Charming image or not, Trowa really had no clue why she wanted to find the serial killer and he couldn't remember a time, from their five years working together, that she had been so adamant about finding the culprit. If Trowa didn't know her better, with the way she was working, Minako wanted to find Yokio so badly that she would easily kill herself in exchange for capturing him and putting him to death.
Truth be told, that simple thought scared the shit out of Trowa and frankly, nothing scared Trowa… at all. It wasn't war, death, blood, or disease that frightened the languid Trowa; it was the notion of Minako facing those things instead of him…the simple idea that he cared for someone else more deeply and soundly than he cared for himself. When was the last time Trowa had ever worried about anyone? The war, which was about 10 years ago; he had cared about his comrades and he supposed he still did.
He didn't care about them as much as he cared about Minako, though… Trowa enjoyed her and the strength she represented, potency so severe that Trowa had never seen anything like it before. To himself, he laughed and marveled; if she had been in the war with the rest of them, the war would have lasted five minutes; not five years.
There was something about Minako, he recognized, that drew him in. Perhaps it was her mysterious, aloof personality, or her demanding attitude, but he knew she lacked reality; nothing about her was real. She was too cunning, too witty, and too humorous, and sometimes she was too solemn or too giddy. Trowa could see something fake about her, in certain moments, and he wondered why she kept things from others and why she chose to remain to, and by, herself at most times. He wondered if it wasn't for her own benefit, though, keeping to herself… but for others. Trowa heavily doubted it.
He knew she was certainly killing herself from the inside out. The process had been slow, starting from the first day she witnessed the horrors humanity was capable of. He had watched, from behind, as her back stiffened and her small hands shifted into the pockets of the jacket that had then been wrapped tightly around her figure. Minako's head had dropped slightly and he had watched her shoulders heave up only to rest back down. Trowa had desperately, even then, felt the need to drape a soothing arm around her and hold her tightly to his frame. The only problem, though, was that she had quickly covered up her uneasiness with apathy and moved to correctly do the job she had been hired to do. He had thought that, perhaps, he hadn't seen anything at all and that the only reason why he had wanted to 'soothe' her was because he was physically attracted to her.
Trowa realized now, though, that it wasn't just because she was beautiful.
He leaned over Minako's form, one hand gripping the edge of the desk and the other on her dainty shoulder. She didn't move or flinch, but he did see the hint of a smile brush over her once pursed lips. Trowa felt her right hand softly slide on top of his and remove it from the edge of the desk to replace it on a page in the files. She gently took his first finger and pointed to Tsukino Usagi's name.
"She was one of my best friends," her sultry voice started. Minako's hand fitted itself into his and she relaxed her body against the chair. "After I moved from England, she was the first person I met. I remember perfectly. Usagi's smile was infectious and the only thing you could ever do was be happy; there was no other emotion you could feel while being around her. She was a wonderful person, even if she despised her younger brother, even if she ate way more than was healthy, and even if she was a complete ditz at times."
Trowa looked down at Minako once her words had paused for longer than expected. One of her fingers was over her lips as if she was unsure of what to say next, or if she should even continue. All he wanted to do was lick them, lips and fingers…
Her hand returned to the desk below. "I was a big flirt back in my younger years." She smiled fondly at her memories. Trowa wondered what she meant by that because from what he heard from others, she was still a flirt. However, he didn't interrupt her. "I never went more than two months without a boyfriend. They all ended up in heartbreak, though, every single one… The only person who could ever cheer me up was Usagi. I remember our sleepovers. It was her, me, and the rest of the gang: Rei, Makoto, and Ami."
Inside, he frowned. She wasn't talking about who he thought she was… "Hino Rei, the reporter, and –"
"Kino Makoto, owner of jinkusu-za, the woman who was shot down the other night." Her lips tightened together, as if stitched, and the warmth of her hand left his. She sighed, audibly, and Trowa wondered what she was thinking. Obviously, she had put up with a lot more loss than he had ever imagined… and perhaps that was why she had been so distant ever since Tsukino Usagi's murder. Perhaps it wasn't.
It made sense, though… but the heart he never thought he had clenched tightly. Why hadn't she told him this before and why was she telling him now? He knew Minako, or at least he thought he did; he knew for a fact that she liked keeping things like this to herself. The reason why she remained emotionally isolated, he rationalized, was because it hurt her in some way; remembering was painful. Simply, the fact that she was even telling him this much was fairly odd and unlike her. He knew, somehow, she was reliving these memories for a greater purpose than what he had initially hoped; it wasn't because she wanted to share with him. That didn't stop him from listening to her stories, though, or her voice.
Trowa could remain in her presence until the ends of time…
Minako shifted in her seat and gently ran her fingers over his knuckles. Chills ran up his spine as she moved up his forearm, her pace slow, and past his biceps to rest clenching on his coat's collar lightly. A small smile appeared on her lips and she pulled away to stand up. She quickly organized the files on her desk before transferring them to a briefcase at the far end of her desk. What the hell was she doing to him? Was she even aware? Of course she was.
She turned to him after shrugging on her heavy fur coat that had once been situated on the back of her chair. "Guess what?" she asked, her clear blue eyes laughing as a smirk teased her rosy mouth.
Somehow relieved at her sudden mood change, but also aware of the degree of change was unusual, Trowa let himself smile at her happiness. What would he accomplish in questioning her now? He had never questioned her motives, her moods, or anything that even pertained to her. Not a good thing, Trowa realized, because it meant she had the advantage.
"Hmm?" Not necessarily an answer, but had she expected him to guess?
His hands went into his pockets, mainly because they were most comfortable there if not in her hands (something he just noticed). Instead of lingering on his previous thoughts, he let it go. Losing to Minako wasn't a bad thing, after all, especially since he didn't know what she had won.
Minako lifted the briefcase's strap over her shoulder and headed for the door. "I need a ride home and I think you'll be able to give me one, right? You know I'd really appreciate it… and that I'll never ask you again. Not ever…" she giggled, and then added, "And that I'd love you forever?"
Obviously, though, she wasn't doing this, whatever 'this' was, to him for no reason—'just because'. She wanted something. However, that offer was too good to pass up, even if she wasn't being serious about it. Even if, he knew, she wasn't even being honest. He knew she had a car. Actually, it was a gorgeous car and fairly expensive from what he had heard. Why she didn't ever drive it was beyond him, but he was more than happy to give her a ride home. He did, though, wonder who had brought her to work.
Before he could ask, she found the door handle and his right hand, which was still in his pocket. "Since Ami's car is completely totaled and Duo has had to take her to and from work, he did promise her after all, I've been asking Heero to drive me. I think he's getting a little irritated. I'm sure you know how he gets, right? You said that you knew him."
Trowa allowed Minako to half drag him to his own car, even though he was very willing to give her a ride. He was distracted by her. Not her looks, no, her attitude. The change was sudden, as he had noticed before, and he had a feeling it wasn't because she was actually happy. He wanted to believe it was because she was happy, and because he was with her, but a tiny part of him, the part he had long since buried when the last war had ended, told him it was because she was hiding something and, at the same time, that she was trying to get something out of him.
That same part, he reasoned, Heero was still dragging with him after all of these years. It was probably why Heero was getting irritated with her; she was always hiding something from him, from everyone… and Trowa knew that Heero hated people who tried to hide things.
However, because Trowa had a feeling that she wanted information about Heero from him, he kept silent. He knew, of course, that she was expecting either a vague answer or nothing at all and even by not answering her, he was giving her something. He didn't mind that she was getting something out of nothing, because he was certainly doing the same with her; the more she talked, the more ways he could figure her out.
It didn't seem liked she minded much that he didn't answer. Actually, it looked as if she had received an answer. So, he was right about her expectations. With this, he knew that she thought she knew him. Amazing what one can get out of a simple question.
Trowa pulled out his car keys and instantly turned off the alarm and unlocked the doors. He allowed Minako to open her own door and he walked around the large black Escalade to the driver's side. As he climbed in, he watched her snuggle into her coat and strap her seat belt on. He couldn't help but smile to himself; she was sexy even when she wasn't trying to be and even when she was too smart for her own good.
He shoved the keys into the ignition and placed his left foot on the clutch and the other on the brake. Turning the key, the Cadillac hummed to life. Trowa undid the parking break and then quickly moved into the correct position to back out of the parking spot. With ease, once he had safely cleared the cars and walls around him, he gunned it for the exit.
Minako giggled and crossed her legs. She looked over at Trowa and smiled. "You're funny," she said, crossing her arms over her chest to keep warm.
"Why are you acting like this, Minako?" he asked her, disregarding her last statement. Even if he didn't want to ruin her smiles and giggles, he wanted to know why she was trying to play at something she wasn't. Perhaps she was truly happy right now and he was just seeing things. He wouldn't have any excuses to destroy her optimism then, but she didn't wear that cheerfulness often; it was so unlike her it was almost troubling. It was that simple detail —the simple detail that he knew that whatever she did was for a reason—that made him question her even after he told himself he wasn't going to.
Trowa watched her face fall, knitting carefully into a more distant look. She took her time in answering, wetting her lips and tucking hair behind her ears. Her silence was almost as disturbing as her sanguinity, and he wondered if she was drawing out these simple acts longer for a purpose or if she just didn't want to answer. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. Who was he to trash what little happiness she could've just had? After all, two of her best friends had just been murdered…
Though, it kind of looked like she was picking words in her mind; carefully constructing something that wouldn't give anything away but was still an answer.
Minako shifted in the seat and looked at him, almost longingly, after warily placing her hands in her lap. "I'm tired, Trowa." She moved her gaze to the road in front of them. "I'm tired of my life and everything it has given me. You know what life has so generously handed to me, Trowa? Absolutely nothing but pain and hurt, and I'm just tired of it all. I see people being murdered, babies abandoned in dumpsters, drunk drivers hitting vans full of kids who could've grown up to have a wonderful life with a loving family. I wish I could be done with it all; I wish I could start living my life for me and not for anyone else, but I can't. Not yet. I have to stop him…"
Letting her continue to remain silent next to him, blinking back what could've been tears and pretending to pay attention to the street signs and car lights; he didn't further interrogate her. He didn't care that she could be on the verge of tears, but at the same time, he really did. He wanted to lean over and hug her, let her cry on his shoulder so he could kiss away her tears… but he couldn't, he wouldn't allow himself to be happily drowned by her. He'd surely lose whatever … anything … he had before if he ever got close to her. That is, Trowa was scared of what Minako could do to him. Further more, what her love could do to him.
He didn't want to do anything he would regret; he was a soldier, after all, and that sufficiently alert, crazy, heartless part of him was the better and bigger half. He had learned, over the years, to live without what he wanted and he wasn't going to give that up. He wasn't willing to give it up. He knew, basically, that if he loved her, the soldier in him would die. He had lived a soldier since the day he was born and if that part of him died, what would become of him? What would become of Trowa, heart and soul?
Trowa would lose himself and all that he had known… but he would know her, he would know love, and he would know how to live life instead of letting himself rot in the aftermath of killing a nameless, faceless opponent that happened to translate into thousands of enemy soldiers who were, indeed, not nameless or faceless.
How could Minako love someone like him? Hardened by war, a true murderer by default? Wasn't he, basically, the kind of person she was currently bent on thoroughly destroying? The obvious and intelligent decision in this kind of situation would be to stay away from this woman who was making him think of these things, but he couldn't. He couldn't stay away from Minako…
Trowa reached over, taking his right hand off the steering wheel and placing it on the small ball her hands had made in her lap. Almost effortlessly, her hands rearranged themselves so that they wrapped around his cold fingers. He tried to keep his eyes on the road, but he could feel Minako's eyes on him, devouring his will to stay away from her…
"I meant it when I said you were funny, Trowa." Her hands tightened around his fingers only slightly. "You do a lot of thinking, don't you? I can tell. By your face, that is; it's always changing… shifting… growing softer, hardening …" Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched a warm smile grace her face. "What are you thinking of?"
Really, an innocent question, but did she know what she was asking…? He didn't know whether to laugh, change the subject, or just answer frankly. The irony of it all, since he had practically been wondering what she was thinking, was rather humorous. However, he didn't feel like the situation was humorous…
She knew what she was doing to him. She knew that she was softly rubbing away everything he knew. Not only that, but he also figured that Minako knew that he was questioning every bit of her and that he knew that she was doing everything for a reason. It was almost scary, Trowa thought, to have someone actually guessing all of these things about him. No one had ever done this. No one had even come close to doing what she was doing right now.
So he stared in front of him and let her wait for whatever answer he decided upon. If she was really as clever as he was making her out to be in his mind, she knew she was going to have to wait. What would happen if he laughed? What would happen if he cleverly changed the subject? ... What if he was just honest?
The light in front of them turned red and Trowa stepped on the brake slightly, slowing down at an even, leisurely pace. Once they stopped, before the crosswalk of course, he looked over at her. Did he care if she knew that it was her who was on his mind? No, not really. Besides, Trowa could easily bet that she already knew; he'd be honest. "You."
"Oh, really? I've been thinking of you, too," she said casually, her gaze drifting back at the light. Trowa wasn't surprised with Minako's somewhat off hand remark; she made it seem like she was expecting that answer and that the fact that he was thinking of her didn't scare or disturb her. Trowa was guessing her right just as much as she was guessing him. This made for a fair battle. However, he knew that it wouldn't remain even close to fair for a long time.
As if on cue, the light turned green and she let his hand go so he could shift into first gear. Back on the clutch, his hand felt cold and somewhat lonely… just like how his heart felt? No… but at the same time, yes. He had said it to himself once, and he'd say it again: Trowa could remain in her presence until the ends of time… Even if it meant letting go of everything he once knew.
"I always wonder about you," she started. The topic previously started in the car had obviously changed. "I don't know why, I just do. Murphy's law, you know."
"I don't believe in Murphy's law."
Is that the answer she wanted? Was she setting him up for something?
Minako settled back into the seat. "I don't believe in any laws at all. Things just happen, reason or no reason. It's the law of life."
He gave her a somewhat puzzled look before changing lanes. Absent mindedly, he flipped on the heater, knowing she was cold without asking or seeing her shiver in the slightest. Trowa knew that he'd have to let her finish before he'd know her plan.
"Thanks and I saw that look," she teased, "but it's true. You know it's true. The law of life isn't really a law, it's just there. Kind of like 'carpe diem'. It's a law; it's something you should do even if you can't. It's what we all want… to live life, to 'seize the day'. They always tell us to live life to its fullest, to live every day as if it was your last, but what for? We do it anyway. It's like a law, but it's not. It's just the way it is. Life is funny like that, just like love."
Trowa didn't really know how to respond to that, or to her, for that matter… She had an awfully odd outlook on life, and love. He wondered why… Was it because of a past experience? Most likely… all he knew, though, was that he wanted to know. Actually, he wanted to know anything and everything about her and in due time, he would. She was giving him enough clues, even information to where he could start digging for clues to her past.
Wordlessly, he questioned whether or not she was leaving him the clues on purpose. Could she want him to know about her past for some reason? If that was the case, why would she want him to know? It didn't make sense… if she was trying so hard to keep everything such a secret, why would she give it away so easily? Perhaps it was unintentional; she didn't know she was doing it or it was subconscious. Minako wanted someone to know, but knew that it wouldn't be such a great idea if anyone did?
He looked over at her, ready to question her sudden silence, but stopped himself. She was biting her thumb, and looking at him. Trowa felt himself breaking, slowly, under her gaze; his defenses melting, crumbling, and disintegrating, but being built just as quickly with suspicion and curiosity. Was she holding something back, again? Biting back information, something important? He wanted to ask, but sensed he couldn't. 'Now' just wasn't good enough; it'd have to be later.
"Minako…" For some reason, his breath hitched in his throat slightly. Trowa kept his eyes on the road, his fingers gripping the steering wheel with newfound intensity and purpose. Was it wrong for him to want her, to wrap his arms around her body and hold her tight? If it wasn't 'wrong', why was every nerve in his body fighting his mind so fiercely?
Trowa's mind told him it'd be a mistake. It told him he should keep his calm and remain as far away from her as possible. However, his mind also told him that she was a threat, but that she needed help, his help. All his body wanted was Minako, though. Such a simple request, but it would have to be denied.
She continued staring at him and removed her thumb, shifting her arms around her body. "Stop here, please." Minako looked tense in her seat. Melancholy, dreary, resentful. He obeyed.
Her hands hurriedly buttoned her jacket up, ready for the bitter coldness that would greet her outside of the warm, friendly car. Trowa watched her, waited for her to leave so he could breathe again, so he could think again…clearly. Without hesitation, she leaned over the center consol and kissed him on the cheek.
Minako leaned back, and opened the door. He saw her smile as she turned around and repeated the kiss, but instead landing on his lips. She lingered and when she pulled back, she was smiling. Trowa fought back the heat that battled to take over his face, and the incredible urge to pull her close and kiss her until they could kiss no more.
He felt awkward, as she stepped out and turned around to smile at him again. He smiled back, warmly, much to his own surprise. Trowa remembered, though, that she did everything for a reason.
He was a beautiful man. Tall, dark, and handsome; he was in every woman's most secret, sinful fantasies. He was young and reeked of arrogance and pride. He was debonair. However, these weren't the only traits he possessed. That man had wealth. That man had everything Kin wanted, but one person… his goddess of a daughter.
Kin, on the other hand, had everything he wanted but a few things. Such was the reason for the back alley meeting of sorts. If his debonair friend wanted his daughter, then he better supply, and that he did… and very well. As the tall man approached him, the only thing Kin cared about was the bag in his hand. This bag of treasure, ecstasy, delight, pleasure, and many, many more things embodied the sole motive for Kin to kill. It was full of white powder and tiny capsules that made him see feel with every fiber of his body. That was why Kin did it; it was what drove him to force his daughter into a living hell so she would go running to the man in front of him.
Kin really didn't see the whole plan working, however, but said nothing. He didn't give a shit if Minako ended up with the bastard with the drugs. He just wanted the drugs. For free. It was quite an exchange. Minako for drugs. Killing for drugs. Very nice exchange. Kin loved the word 'free'. Free sex. Free excitement. Free drugs. Free women. Of course, those women were now buried in dirty soil surrounded by decayed bodies.
He knew that those women were made for greater things than death. Did that stop Kin? Hell fucking no. They were beautiful and juvenile, and they all screamed his name in ecstasy when they reached the highest peak of human pleasure. The only thing that would stop Kin would be if this so-called 'great man' stopped the flow of goods. He didn't care about his daughter or the emotional state he was thrusting her into with the elegance of a rhino, and he didn't care about the other women, either.
Not a bit.
He wanted that bag.
Author's Note: Boring. Sorry. So sorry. I understand that most of this chapter was just thinking. Uninterrupted thinking with absolutely no action. However, how often do you get to see Trowa... THINKING? I haven't read it before. This chapter served a purpose, ladies and gents, and it served that purpose well. Hopefully, some of you understand the conflict better, and understand Trowa. Love him, you know you want to.
Thanks for the reviews : I appreciate them (greatly) and I would enjoy more (read: review, damnit). Hope you enjoyed the chapter... Ami scenes next chapter with a lot of womangst (not teenage angst, you see) and some Trowa scenes... and some smut... Yum.
With love,
Transcendent
OMGAH! IT'S THE REVIEW REPLIES! In order of who reviewed first...
Tsubasa-chan: ooh... I love you, too! I only wish you got online more often, damnit. Glad you liked the chapter, though : I hope you update sooooonsoonsoonson.
FairDrea: I am so demanding because I feel like it... Thank you for the encouragement earlier last month/middle month/end of month? I'm probably going to need your help somewhere during the next chapter so hopefully you'll be on : However, you're GETTING MARRIED! Big thing, lovely, big thing. He's lucky. I hope the wedding everything you wish and then some cherries on the top.
datajana: Thank you for the email when I was feeling the 'lack-of-updating-is-BAD' thing. I hope you like the chapter :
Nyneve: I don't speak German, yo. Ausgezeichnet? Um. Thanks. I hope you like the chapter : I'll get around to more Rei/Quatre chapters later, I'm sure. I hope you update soon, damnit, because you have me on a thread... even though I hate what you're doing with herrrrr! Grrrr!
BLACKAURAsama: Amazing, amazing wonderful girl : Thanks for reading the chapter and giving your opinion. Muchos love for you.
Inverse-chan: I portrayed them perfectly? Booyah. I'm glad you liked it but you know what would make me happier? You updating. Now get to it.
Tsubasa-chan: Thanks for reviewing twice : I look forward to reading anything you write, my dear. I wish you wrote more haha.
Airlady: Complex is good. Challenges are good. Thanks for reviewing :
Wishful Thinking: No milk? What about this time? I like two percent and I got a car. It's so pretty. And sexy. It purrrs for me. (I didn't ask Sil.)
fallenmad: Evil and creative brains are the best brains. Minako's going to be paired with ... what was I saying? Hmm. Bad memory.
SVZ: Well, this time, maybe you'll be first again, yes? I noticed you haven't been writing anymore GW/SM fics so I hope you're still interested in my ol', goodfornothin fic. I tried to IM you on yahoo earlier today (yesterday) but you weren't on. Sad, huh? Miss ya, babe.
Mirror's Image: You disappeared. Quite a shame. I miss you.
I'm really sorry... please forgive?