The Secret of Angalaria

by Gine

Chapter 7: Friends and more than that

Despite all the horrible things the Angalarian children had gone through while their ship was under attack, having to face the violence and destruction they had never known, they had regained a part of their balance and happiness in the care of Voyager's crew faster than Chakotay and everyone else had expected.

When they had come aboard the ship, there was such terror and fear written in the eyes of the children that it broke the hearts of the crew to see their distress. Without thinking, arms opened and the children were enclosed in warm, soothing hugs. The shared touches were the beginning of the healing process and four days after Talaris's destruction, the most beautiful sound filled Voyager's messhall: children's laughter.

For a moment Chakotay stopped at the door, looking over the crowed place, and despite the concern for his captain, he had to smile at the picture before him. The usually sterile room was stuffed with flowers and hundreds of toys. It seemed the rumour about Tom releasing the contents of all the betting pools had been correct. He never knew how much of their rations the crew had actually placed in Tom's capable hands and sometimes devilish mind, but this must have been worth a week of every member's share. Witnessing the smiling faces and the aura of happiness that filled the messhall now, it was a small price to pay.

Neelix sat in the middle of everything with Brana and Nalea on each of his knees, obviously telling adventure stories about his life on Voyager. The children hung on every word that came from his lips and Chakotay saw the twinkle in Neelix' eyes. He had never forgotten what it meant to be a child in his heart, thought Chakotay. This was one of the things he liked most about Voyager's morale officer.

Namara and Araman had joined the children earlier and while secretly watching them now, Chakotay knew they would eventually find closure and peace in the children's love again. He left the messhall quietly, not wanting to disturb the relaxed atmosphere and made his way to Sam Wildman's quarters.

At his request for entry, Sam opened the door and led him to a chair in the living room. Naomi was nowhere to be seen.

Before he could say anything, a cup of cinnamon tea was placed on the small table in front of him, and Sam had taken a seat opposite him.

"Naomi is sleeping, Commander. The Doctor gave her a light sedative earlier." Although she appeared calm and collected now, the serious expression in her tired eyes never belied Sam's true feelings. The events of the last days had left visible traces on her face. Lack of sleep and the deep concern and fear that only a mother knows when her child is in danger, clouded the gentle features. But when she spoke there were no blame, no resentment, toward the responsible commanding officers. Her words held only worry and compassion.

"We all know the dangers of our journey. And as hard as it is to face it, I can't let the fear control our lives. From the day Naomi was born, I knew that I would have to learn to accept the reality of this existence, the possibility of constant danger and violence. Naomi knows nothing else but living on Voyager. And she is happy here. She sees the world around her with different eyes than we do. Innocent eyes. As much as we want to, we can't keep her safe from everything. Even if it breaks my heart to see that innocence sometimes replaced by sadness and pain, I know it is crucial for her growing and her survival out here, that she lives her life as normally as possible and not closed away in a silver box."

"Naomi is a tough girl, Sam. And you're right, she will mature from it, not always coming through unscathed but stronger. You can be so proud of her." Chakotay smiled. "We all are."

"I know and it means so much to me and even more to Naomi. You know, …" Sam paused, appearing unsure about her next words but Chakotay encouraged her to speak freely.

"Naomi adores the captain and she is very upset about what happened while they were hostages. Obviously the captain volunteered to save the children and B'Elanna from that evil man. Naomi didn't talk much about it; the sedative worked pretty quickly. However, I'm sure when she wakes up, she'll need to talk and she'll ask me about the captain."

Chakotay knew there was only one answer Sam needed now, and that was not voicing his own concerns about Kathryn. This was not the place; he would talk to Belanna later. "The captain will be fine. Tell Naomi not to worry." He stood up and reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. "And the same counts for you, Sam. We will make sure our captain and her assistant are on duty again soon." Thanking her for the tea, Chakotay left to check the bridge, before he went to pay a visit on Tom and B'Elanna.

Tom looked like hell and was obviously relieved to see him. The tension in the Paris's quarters was palpable and clearly written in both faces, B'Elanna and Tom's.

Before Chakotay had a chance to say anything, B'Elanna stood nose to nose with him, finally having found the right person to release her anger and frustration.

"Damn it, Chakotay, why do I have to play the delicate china doll here? Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm an invalid. It's not enough that I have Tom mothering me for weeks, now you and the Doc conspire with him. Engineering is mine. I need to do something useful. Anything. I've been sitting and doing nothing for long enough. The baby is fine. I'm fine." B'Elanna was already pounding his broad chest with clenched fists.

"I can't rest. When I close my eyes, all I see is her. Facing Salox and going down from the blow right into her abdomen. I see Brana, gently wiping away the blood from her lips. I cover my ears but her words haunt me. Begging me not to interfere. Knowing she would make the sacrifice. Telling me how proud she is of what I've achieved. But how did I thank her, Chakotay? How?"

Tears ran down B'Elanna's face now. While she still pounded on Chakotay's chest, her blows slowly lost power. "They hurt her so badly, and still she refused to trade places. When they brought her back the second time, she was unresponsive. For a horrible moment I thought we had lost her. Then the fever started and with it the hallucinations. She was begging for forgiveness from her mum and me. Me! But there was nothing to forgive. Then she said she 'is alone' and something about you 'are angry' and 'her peace'. The fever climbed so fast. If it hadn't been for Nalea and Brana, your rescue would have been too late. When they came for her again, she could barely walk on her own. Naomi volunteered to be taken instead of her."

B'Elanna turned to Tom, her hands tightly clenched in Chakotay's jacket. "Can you imagine how that made me feel?"

Neither man answered her and that made B'Elanna even angrier. "She is the captain, God damn, but this p'thak violated everything that is Kathryn Janeway."

The pounding stopped and the last words were only whispered, when B'Elanna saw the tears openly fall from Chakotay's eyes. "I saw it in her eyes, if only for a second. She was so exposed, vulnerable beyond word. Those eyes… How can I look into her eyes again…?"

The anger died with her voice and exhaustion settled in. All the time Chakotay had not spoken a word. Now he just opened his arms and pulled his shaking friend against his chest, while his eyes rested on Tom.

"You did what she expected from you, B'Elanna. The way you handled the situation is the reason she said those words to you. You were there taking care of the children and your part in her final rescue was vital. If you hadn't found her then…"

Chakotay couldn't say the rest. His own strength had limits and Tom came to his aid, easing B'Elanna out of his arms, guiding her to the couch under the viewport. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Tom held his wife in his embrace, waiting for her to calm down, while Chakotay stared out into the darkness of space. Finally B'Elanna moved out of Tom's arms. He could read her so easily and nodded at the questioning expression in her eyes. She went to stand beside her old friend and reached for Chakotay's hand.

"How is she?"

Chakotay looked at her a long time and B'Elanna could read every emotion in his expressive features: sadness, fear and concern. In all the years he had never voiced the deep feelings he held for his captain, but B'Elanna knew the truth.

"She's still unconscious. Her physical injuries have been taken care of. They will heal. I pray she will too." Chakotay paused, shook his head slightly and brushed the tears from his cheeks, embarrassed about his own open emotional reaction at B'Elanna's words. She sensed his discomfort immediately and now she was the one enclosing her friend in a compassionate hug.

"She's strong, Chakotay."

"What if that's not enough? We all have limits. Even Kathryn Janeway."

B'Elanna leaned back and urged him to look her in the eye. "When our own strength is failing, we have friends, Chakotay. You are more than her First Officer. And you know we're here for you both as well.

"Yes, I know." Chakotay nodded at Tom and B'Elanna, before he turned to leave them.

"Thank you, my friends."

His quarters were dark and he left it that way. Just like Kathryn had faced the black, almost starless void, now Chakotay stood at the viewport. The darkness he saw there mirrored his feelings, a violent mix of anger and terrible pain that seemed to eat at him from the inside. The padd with the doctor's report that he had read earlier shook in his hand.

For years he had put the demons of the angry warrior to rest. Now the inspiration, the spring of this peace lay in sickbay, violated beyond imagination by a man that resembled a Cardassian when it came to his methods of torturing prisoners. A man who had lost every sense of compassion, even for a child. A man easy to hate.

Again he was overwhelmed by the memories of what he had seen in sickbay. How short was the bridge between dark and light, love and hate. He had crossed it too many times in his life. Freedom and peace came with a high price, but he had learned his lessons. Hate or revenge would not help Kathryn. Only through the love he would heal with her.

Chakotay was bone tired and finally gave in and went to bed. For a long time he lay awake, the pillow tightly pressed against his chest. Whenever he closed his eyes, he again saw Kathryn's slumping form and his dreams became nightmares.

His commbadge chimed and he felt like he hadn't slept at all. But when he heard the Doctor's voice, he was wide-awake and only minutes later on his way to sickbay.

Kathryn's face was still unnaturally pale, but her features appeared to him more relaxed than hours before. Unconsciously he taken her hand again and now his thumb stroked tenderly over her soft skin while he waited.

The Doctor had informed him that it would be the best to let Kathryn's body decide when she would wake up. He had monitored her condition throughout the night and had called for him when the readings indicated that she was about to regain consciousness.

Her bio-signature got stronger now and her heart-rate quickened. Her eyelids started to move, very slowly at first. Finally her eyes opened and met his.

"Chakotay."

He almost gasped at the transformation of raw emotion that he witnessed there in the following seconds. The insecurity in her eyes, the silent question of why she was in sickbay only lasted a moment then died in the crash of her memories. Her hand returned the strong grip that he had on hers. Her eyes grew wide, the pupils darkening, and he looked right into her soul, seeing it lying shattered and bleeding in a thousand pieces.

Her eyes were a living mirror, fractured under the greatest pain, but in the mosaic of the splinters he saw only himself. The emotional shock was so overwhelming for both of them that they could not break the connection between them even with the greatest willpower. They were caught in the moment of Kathryn's deepest vulnerability. There was no struggle for the right words, no defining of parameters, no legends. Just the naked truth. Beyond the call of duty, beyond their deep friendship, they needed each other.

"Captain!" The Doctor appeared on the other side of the biobed to check his patient over, completely oblivious to the most private moment that had ever happened between Kathryn and Chakotay. He had just said a word, but that one word that dropped between them like a bomb, destroying the silent conversation and with it the fragile equilibrium in Kathryn's eyes. Captain.

It hurt almost physically. She flinched, barely recognisable only to Chakotay, her eyes closed for a few seconds and then she removed her hand from his.

When she opened her eyes again, she didn't look at him and her head turned to the doctor, who was busy scanning her with a medical tricorder. Obviously satisfied with her condition, he put the device away and returned his attention to his captain. His voice was serious and full of compassion when he spoke again.

"Your body had to endure a most stressing and painful ordeal. I know how hard it is for you to accept this, but it will need time to recuperate from the injuries and the severe shock that your system received in the process. How do you feel?"

Her hands grabbed the sheet that covered her body; they were painfully cramped into fists. Chakotay didn't know where Kathryn found the strength to force the words past her lips, in the familiar tone that never belied her position as head of the ship.

"I'm fine."

24 hours later the captain was released to her quarters with strict orders to rest. So often before the doctor had felt like he was talking to a wall when it came to the captain's health, but not today. All the time in sickbay the captain had been unusually quiet, almost withdrawn. He had tried everything to make her comfortable, talking, singing, even serving her coffee and allowing her to read at least the status report of the ship. Still she remained mostly silent. Not once had she spoken about what had happened to her on the other ship.

He had worried even more when she didn't openly protest his orders to take at least one day off before returning to duty. She had just nodded, not really looking at him, before she shimmered away in the site-to-site transport, only leaving behind the echo of herself:

"I am fine. Thank you, Doctor."

The ship's atmosphere vibrated under the happy energy of the children, but they would need to contact the Angalarian home-world soon, before the Samarian ship picked up Voyager's trail to try and find the polara.

Plans for leaving were already made, but not without a last big party for their small guests. Inspired by the creativity of 77 children, Neelix had his hands and mind full to prepare everything in the short time that was left until they would have to say their final goodbyes.

One more night and Voyager would be on its way to Earth again.

The soft scent of flowers filled the air of the messhall, the only leftover from the childrens' party. At this time of night the place was usually deserted. Following old habits to find some peace, Kathryn grabbed the coffee that Neelix had left for her like he did every night and made her way to her favourite chair.

Voyager was quiet. She leaned her head back against the soft cushions and listened to the gentle sounds of her ship. The humming of the engines had comforted her many times; now she was more desperate to regain some control of her swirling mind and to sooth her mutilated emotions than ever before.

But all she could think of was him. His face, the concern in his eyes, the touch of his hand. This had nothing to do with their professional relationship. This concerned feelings that grew deeper. Unconsciously or not, they had reached the point of living a personal relationship years before. Had they been blind to it?

No, certainly not. They had kept to protocol. They didn't share quarters; they didn't share the same bed. They had never kissed. But they shared everything else. Dinners, talks, dances, hugs, flowers, moonlight sails, thoughts and touches. They were closer with each other than they were with anybody else. She loved him. And now she needed his love. All of it. The melds with Maran and Salox had ripped her soul open, painfully tearing apart what had made her whole and strong. When she had been on the edge of loosing her sanity, she had held on to his promise and finally reached out to Chakotay. She could not face this alone.

Despite the late hour, she reached for her commbadge, knowing she could talk to him any time, when the door behind her swished open and closed again. She turned around slowly, but saw nobody in the darkness. Not wanting to alert whoever had come for a midnight snack of her presence, she just stayed quiet, waiting for the crewman to leave again. She heard the clinking sound of cups and pots being moved. Something fell to the floor and then a voice that Kathryn knew all too well swore.

"Ouch, that was my foot, Nalea. Give me your cup and I'll make you some chocolate." Naomi was just about to hand her back the filled pot when the room was filled with a soft light and the captain looked over the kitchen's bar.

"Captain?" The cup fell from Naomi's shaking hand, spilling the dark liquid all over the floor.

Kathryn had never wanted to frighten the children, but they were obviously shocked by her sudden appearance. She spoke softly to the children, picking up the cup from the floor and washing away the cocoa. She then guided them to sit with her on the broad couch under the viewport, knowing that it was no coincidence to find them here in the middle of the night. The expressions on the small faces spoke volumes. Naomi especially was clearly suffering from the aftermath of their ordeal, while Nalea and Brana took care of their new friend. The contact with Namara and Araman had started their emotional healing, but Naomi needed someone else to talk to.

"Why?" Naomi looked at the captain expectantly. "Why did they hurt you, Captain? And will they come for Nalea and Brana again?" Pleading innocence drowned in the sea of sadness in the childrens' eyes. To see their pain hurt Kathryn more than Salox's whip had. Why? This was one answer that she couldn't give. Nobody could.

So she began to talk, smiling. Something, everything. She talked about Voyager, about the universe, about stories and the sea. About the sun, the moon and the stars. And about Earth, the home they hoped to reach someday again. She reassured Nalea, Naomi and Brana with warm hugs and love, providing the feeling of safety that Naomi needed so badly to receive from her. Underneath her uniform, her own wounds still bled invisibly, but she didn't flinch, nor did she say a word and the children laughed for her.

Half an hour later they returned to their quarters to finally sleep, the little hearts lighter and the stomachs warmed with hot chocolate and cream that the captain had served them at last.

The next day was both happy and sad. The captain had resumed her command with the alpha-shift. The crew had stood to attention when the turbolift had opened and she had entered the bridge. When she had passed Tuvok's station, he had briefly taken her hand, expressing his silent concern for her and she had nodded at him.

Before she took her place in the centre of the bridge, she went to stand beside Tom, resting her hand on his shoulder like she had done many times before.

"Thank you for taking care of B'Elanna. I know how hard it was for her." She looked deeply into his eyes and added. "I know it was hard for you as well."

Taking her seat she reached out her hand to her left. Chakotay returned her strong grip. The silent communication between them said more than words could right now. They needed to talk when they were alone later.

Looking in the eyes of his captain, Chakotay marvelled at the unbelievable strength that he saw there. Something had changed. She had regained an important part of her inner balance; still he could see all her emotions openly displayed. No words, no parameters, no legends, just love. Kathryn Janeway would never cease to amaze him.

In the afternoon they contacted Angalaria and finally the moment of saying good-bye had come. Nalea, Brana, Namara and Araman were the last to beam from the ship. They stood hand in hand on the transporter, a golden aura surrounding them. All eyes rested on the captain when Namara spoke for the last time.

"The people of Angalaria will never forget what you have done for us. Not only helping us to return to our home-world, you saved our children from a fate harder than death and you never revealed your knowledge of the polara. You were prepared to pay the highest price, not only with your life, but with your soul as well."

Before they dematerialised in shimmering blue, Namara looked at the joined hands of Voyager's command team and the most beautiful smile graced her features.

"It warms my heart to see that you found the courage to accept the strength of your bond. It was always there."

Fin

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