Pairings: Sam/Teal'c friendship
Disclaimer: not mine
A/N: Many thanks go to Fallenbelle and Ryuu for beta'ing for me. This does tie in with "Stepping Back", but I hope that they can both stand on their own as well.
It was too much.
Running and bleeding and hiding, it had all tangled together in her mind in a nightmare of fear and desperation. The images stamped across her mind had blurred until only one was left in focus: that of a black figure rising from under the dirt, shaking the dust off as it stood.
She remembered letting her legs give; she'd slid to the ground, exhausted beyond belief. After running from the super-soldier for so many hours she was finally safe but it didn't seem real; the change was too sudden and it almost seemed too easy. When she realised that her missile hadn't been enough and the super-soldier wasn't dead, everything had seemed to stop for an instant. And then she stopped: stopped running, stopped fighting, stopped trying to survive.
The worst thing was, giving in was surprisingly easy. The super-soldier approached her where she sat, vulnerable on the open ground, and it all became clear: with nothing left to fight with, she was going to die. Much as she regretted not being able to return the prototype to the SGC, she regretted being alone, without the comfort of someone she loved, even more.
Then Teal'c appeared, firing his weapon through the trees. She scrambled away and gave Jack the chip for the prototype, and he'd saved the day. Apparently it was his turn to be the hero that week; she got to play helpless victim, a role she had never enjoyed.
Now that she was lying safe in the infirmary, the guilt she felt was overwhelming. She wasn't supposed to be the kind of person who surrendered to weariness and doubt or admitted defeat when faced with a challenge. She knew that, without any undue arrogance, the safety of her planet depended on her never giving in, but she'd stopped fighting.
The bitterness of her failure seemed to be echoed by the taste of the bile at the back of her throat. Tears clouded her eyes and slid down her cheeks, stinging her sharply when they ran into the open gashes on her cheeks. She tasted salt on her lips and licked it away.
She wanted her father so badly that the yearning was a physical ache in her chest, sending out sharp tendrils of pain through the rest of her body. She wanted to curl up and rock in agony as she hadn't done since she was a child and let herself sob helplessly, but without either of her parents there to calm and soothe her, she knew that surrendering to the pain wouldn't yield the same sense of catharsis.
Despite her best efforts, the tears wouldn't be halted, so she let them glide down her face while she did her best to suppress her sobs. She didn't want to sniff in case someone in the corridor heard and came to see why she was crying, but there were no tissues either. She reluctantly wiped her nose on the sleeve of her gown.
She heard someone approaching and wiped her eyes frantically, rolling onto her side. A new gown would have been wonderful, but she'd settle for some privacy.
The tap on the door told her that her visitor was a friend: a member of the base's medical staff would have walked straight in without knocking. Her eyes were closed, her breathing was as even as she could make it, and she hoped that her lack of response would persuade whoever waited outside that she was asleep, and that he or she should come back in the morning.
When the door opened, she realised that her guest must be one of her teammates: no one else on base would come to watch her sleep.
She heard footsteps, light and even. Daniel always tended to walk as if he was bouncing slightly, occasionally tripping over his own feet; the Colonel's tread was heavier and more deliberate. Neither matched those she could hear.
In and out. Breathing steadily was almost more than she could manage with all the misery coiled within her, ready to seize any relaxation in her guard to burst out and do something unspeakable. She breathed slowly, in and out.
The skin of her face felt tight and dry now that her tears had dried and the itching was becoming unbearable, but she was lying with her face towards the chair and didn't want to move. So stupid. She considered rolling over, but realised that Teal'c would know just how she moved when she slept, and would notice if her restlessness seemed different or unusual.
She lay there, mind working furiously, trying not to let her face twitch or her nose wrinkle. It was hard.
"Major Carter, I know that you are not sleeping."
Her eyes remained closed for a little longer as she considered her options. If Teal'c was convinced that she was awake, then pretending to still be asleep was futile. Slowly she opened them, trying to think clearly, but her mind was refusing to function.
"Teal'c."
She saw that he was gazing at her and it made her feel incredibly vulnerable, afraid that he could see just how frail she really felt. She pulled herself up into a sitting position, deciding that if they were to talk she'd prefer to be level with him. If he didn't want to talk, well, then it wouldn't matter.
She was afraid; Teal'c wasn't known for pulling his punches.
"I am sorry that your father has left."
The words almost broke her, and she stifled a sob.
"I know that he would have stayed on this planet if he had any choice."
The little girl inside her wanted to scream that he'd had a choice, he could have chosen to stay with her. The part of her that was an obedient officer in the US Air Force demanded to know if he should have chosen her over the well-being of the galaxy.
The little girl said yes, he should have.
Her tears threatened to spill again and she was so frustrated with herself for still wanting to cry, even in front of Teal'c. She turned away, dashing them away from her eyes with the back of her hand. The cuts on her face stung again.
"I am proud to fight by your side."
She didn't need platitudes, she wanted honesty, and the sobs built up inside her.
Hands grasped her shoulders and pulled her around to her face him. She resisted as much as she could, but she was still exhausted and he was too strong for her, even on a good day. She stared at his chest so that she didn't have to meet his eyes; when he shook her gently, she was limp in his grasp.
Suddenly the buildup of pressure found its release – first one tear slid down her face, and then another – until she was crying as hard as she ever had, nose running, face slick with salt water, every breath a gasp for air.
She felt like the world would end if she couldn't release the pain somehow. She couldn't imagine continuing as she was.
Teal'c pulled her towards him, cuddling her against his chest and wrapping his arms around her. She'd always loved his arms, and while she knew their size and strength was no protection from the ills of the world, for just one moment in time she could pretend that they were. One hand rested between her shoulder blades while the other stroked her hair lightly.
She moved closer to him.
It wasn't until her sobs had begun to subside that she realised that the cotton beneath her cheek was wet, and it took her a longer time to understand why. Reluctantly she tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let her, holding her tighter and rubbing circles into her back. She felt safe. Finally she wasn't crying anymore, but she still clung to him, still needing that physical contact. He didn't let go.
So much of the tension that had filled her was gone, leaving her limp and utterly drained. Slowly she released her hold on his shoulders and leant back against the pillows.
He handed her a glass of water but her nose was so blocked that she could hardly swallow. She looked at him helplessly; just because she'd practically wiped her nose on his shirt (and that thought made her want to cringe) didn't mean that she was happy using the sleeve of her gown in front of him.
"Teal'c, could you find me a packet of Kleenex?" She hiccupped on the word 'packet', and he smiled. She did her best to smile too.
"Of course." He was only gone for a couple of minutes, returning with a large boxful; she dived in eagerly, unembarrassed by the strange trumpet-like noises she was making. How had Daniel managed on Abydos for a year without tissues?
Finally she was comfortable as she was going to get, at least until her leg healed. She looked at him, still cautious, voice still teary. "Teal'c, would you mind sitting with me for a little longer?"
He bowed his head. "Major Carter, I would be honoured."
She settled down, almost ready to sleep. "Teal'c, when the missile wasn't enough..." She couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.
He looked at her steadily. "Any warrior knows when he should accept his death."
She was too tired not to wail. "But I didn't do enough!"
"O'Neill and myself were close to your position, but would not have found you in time had we not heard the missile you released."
His words were like a slap in the face. She could accept what he said; maybe, in a couple of days, she'd be able to believe him.
Curled up, she closed her eyes. For one night at least, she wasn't alone.