Disclaimer: Whatever, I don't need to own Naruto to write fanfiction.
Penname: LiveLoveLaugh
Summary: (Inspired by Blue Collar TV) During a manly hour, Shikamaru, Naruto, Kiba, and Lee complain about their 'decks'… Dirty yet Funny One-shot.
Author's Note: Hmm, my first non-romance…I was most amused when I wrote this, haha.
Men and Their Decks
It was a nice hot summer night, with the sun setting and the crickets were singing their nightly chirping, the four young men, all with their own families now, decided to camp over on Naruto's gigantic porch to celebrate their last day as four single men when Kiba's wife had given birth to a litter of barking twins. They set out some blankets and beach chairs given by their wives, who still didn't really understand the purpose of this night, but Shikamaru had told them that it was best that they remained quiet about that. Though the genius's chubby best friend could not make it, because of a mission with Shino and Neji, two others from their guest lists, the last four had just wanted a cook out and booze chugging event.
Well, as long as Lee sticks to tee shirts and shorts, and drank not a sip of sake at all, it was going to be a hell of a night.
Naruto admired the skies with their vast ribbons of puffy blue and purple over the thick black blanket that covered the entire Hidden Leaf village, overcastting the five brown heads of the past Hokages and the current one who was still pestering Naruto into becoming Rokudaime so she could retire and gamble in casinos all she wanted. But that didn't really convince Naruto, not yet anyway…he thought about his daughter, how much she had grown into an adorable crawling toddler from a stupid cute infant who couldn't even bring up her head, and he thought about his beautiful wife and how much he loved her.
Shikamaru looked into the sky. He liked the night. Peaceful. Cool. Pleasant. Just until one of his kids wake up and cries, causing his wife to kick him in the shin, send him off the bed, and got him to instead feed the baby micro-waved breast milk, tuck him back into its crib, then fall back asleep again. Quiet. Blissful. Serene.
Kiba had on a giant toothy grin, actually excited by the birth of his first child—children, beautiful babies with messy brown hair, smelling of powder and milk. He loved them the moment they were born, forgetting immediately of his anger when his wife yelled at him and threw things around the house. He forgot about her unpredictable mood swings and those nesting treatments she made all over the house. He forgot about the pain in his hand when his wife squeezed the hell out of his fingers when she was in labor. He forgot about all that, and dove into parenthood where he kissed his beloved wife's sweaty forehead and carried his two children in each arm.
Rock Lee was grinning, happy for his friends, and for himself. He had again impregnated his wife, putting up to three children total. His two other children had shiny black hair just like his, and to his wife's relief, no 'thick and beautiful' eyebrows, with cheeky Cheshire cat smiles they adapted from their cool father. Seeing another baby on the bassinette by their wedding bed brought joyful sunshine tears to his round eyes—oh! If only Gai-sensei were here to embrace him in celebration!
The smell of cooking hotdogs and meat patties had went under their noses, they breathed in the yummy scent. Naruto snapped open a couple of beers, Lee had orange juice, and had everyone in tasting single hood one last time.
Nara tossed in the thin comforter over the beach chair, relaxing his muscles against the head rest.
"Mmm…I'm sure as hell as I am going to miss this…" he sent his narrow eyes over the porch, quite enviously, "Man, I am so jealous of the size of your deck, Naruto, it's so huge." The other nodded with hums of agreement.
"I know!" Naruto agreed, immediately, "I love my deck! It's long and large," He leaned in between Kiba and Lee, whispering suggestively, "And the ladies love it," He tapped his foot against the wood, "My deck is very hard, I'm happy of that, it's able to accumulate any sort of rough activity. And it could probably hold up for a couple more years!"
"Whoa, now that's a deck!" Kiba exclaimed, grinning.
"What kind of activities can your deck take?" Lee asked.
"Anything that makes your loins hot and your body sweaty, I guess," Naruto shrugged, indifferently.
"I hate my deck," Shikamaru announced, frowning, "It's small and it's always too soft to do anything with it! No matter how much scenarios I tried with my deck, it never works! It's like my deck is getting too old. I swear every time I touch my deck, it feels like it's about to break off!"
Lee shook his head, "That is one sad deck."
"Man, its bad enough my wife hates my deck!" Shikamaru snorted, "Now she's parading around complaining to other women whose husbands have bigger decks! It's even worst when your reputation is being ruined with the cause of smaller decks!"
Kiba smirked, leaning over, "I heard that she might cut it off!"
Shikamaru gasped while the others chuckled.
"We all know decks can't survive if we don't do anything with it," Lee sighed.
"Why? Something wrong with your deck?" Naruto asked, pouring some barbeque sauce on the grilled hotdogs.
"Hmm…it's a good size, and everything," Lee frowned slightly, sipping his orange juice, "It's just that…I feel like…I can do more for my deck…"
"Ah, I got that feeling," Kiba nodded, Shikamaru rolled his eyes in agreement.
"So what do you want to do with your deck?" Naruto asked, flipping over some patties on the grill.
"It's not what I want to do 'with' my deck, it's what I can do 'for' my deck!" Lee cried, a sad expression on his face.
The three other guys looked at him weirdly, "What happened to your deck?"
"Well, when I got my wife pregnant with her on top of the deck, I kind of, well you know…"
"Know what?"
"Uh," Lee darted his eyes, leaning closer to the others, "I felt a back ache when I touched my deck, maybe it's because it's too hard—or something, but just yesterday I found a couple of splinters on my deck!"
Kiba widened his eyes, "Whoa!"
"How did that happen?" Shikamaru asked, his brows rose.
"Man, I feel sorry for your deck," Naruto shook his head in sympathy.
"Then all of a sudden, my deck began to leak, I found cracks underneath the sides, and it's like I lost control with it!"
"Oh man!" the others shouted.
Lee had tears in his eyes, "I feel like my deck is dying on me…"
Naruto quickly ran over and patted Thickbrow's back, "We are all here for you, man."
"I believe my deck deserves so much better than the treatment I'm giving it," Rock Lee whimpered, "I just know my deck needs something else but I'm unable to do that…"
"Why?" Kiba asked, "What are you doing to your deck?"
"Well, it's just that maybe I'm going a little too rough with my deck," he shrugged, running a hand through his hair, "Any suggestions?"
Kiba scratched his chin thoughtfully, "Ever tried some lubricating? I mean your deck would dry up and break down if you don't do that…well, it worked for me, and I'd never been happier with a harder deck in my life."
"How about a cover? Like some kind of plastic cover to put it over your deck, it supposed to slow down friction," Naruto suggested.
Shikamaru closed his eyes, thinking, "Your deck would most likely default either way, I think you should you replace it."
"REPLACE MY DECK?" Lee shrieked disbelievingly, "That's impossible! I can't live without my deck! I don't know if I could even see my deck being cut off and be replaced by some other 'alien'…"
"I know," Kiba frowned, "Having a new deck is like starting all over again, you have to teach your deck new tricks…"
They all snickered.
"Yeah man, are you crazy?" Naruto snorted, tilting his head at Shikamaru, "You became so 'cocky' when you began talking about your deck…" the lazyass glared back.
"Hey you would be too, if your wife hates your deck," Shikamaru replied back irritatingly, "I just feel so jealous whenever you guys talk about the sizes of your deck, mine is way too small for even one person on top of it."
Naruto shrugged, "You can just enlarge your deck."
"You can that?" Shikamaru asked, wide-eyed.
"Yeah, you know," the blonde scratched his head, "Uh, a few foreign folk at the bar told me you can cut a small part off your deck and it'll make the rest look bigger, or something."
"What!" Kiba shouted, "That's not what they said! I was at the bar too, and they said if you 'add' another part to your deck, it'll make it look bigger!" he bonked him on the head, "Idiot! You're supposed to, like, make your deck fancy!"
"Fancy?" Shikamaru whispered, "You mean like, make your deck special or something?"
The two other men shrugged, when Lee turned slightly to the right uncrossing his two legs, his flip-flop had accidentally knocked down the cup of orange juice he was drinking and spilled unpleasantly on top of the wooden ground. When the others heard the spill, Naruto freaked.
"Oh god! What have you done to my deck, Thickbrows?" Naruto catapulted his way through, mopping up the mess with a few paper towels. And through that progress, he had been whining, "Oh man! Oh God Damn it! My deck is all wet and sticky now!"
"Sorry, it was just an accident—"
"ACCIDENT? You ruined my deck!"
"But my sandals had accidentally—"
"Who cares about your sandals! Ah, my deck is all soggy and soft! It's so hard to clean off!" Naruto bit his lip, "Oh no! My deck is going to be infested with ants!"
"I'm sorry Naruto-kun! I didn't mean to harm it! I was just being gentle with your deck!"
"I'm sure it's just fine," Shikamaru growled, annoyed, "It's not like its beer."
Kiba nodded, "Yeah, now that's like choking your deck."
"True…but aw, man, my huge lively deck is losing its 'mojo!'"
"It's just a paint fade, don't worry about it," Shikamaru grabbed the blonde's arm, "Just give it a 'job' or two, tomorrow."
"Yes! Your deck would get right back into shape!" Lee exclaimed, teary-eyed.
"He's right dude, aren't we supposed to be celebrating or something?" Kiba asked, furrowing his brows.
Naruto nodded, and then he turned hastily to Kiba with a grin, "Hey, we never talked about your deck, Kiba…"
Kiba's split eyes widened in recognition, and smirked, "Oh yeah…"
Shikamaru looked hazily at him, "Dude…is it true? You know, about what they say about you and your deck…?"
The Inuzuka man laughed, and got off his beach chair letting the thin cotton blanket slip off his body. He stepped in front of the three other males with sumptuous smile, showing the top layer of his white sharp teeth that glimmered in the moonlight and the light from the two lanterns that hung in front of the porch. His clawed hand slipped inside his pants pocket, retrieving his leather wallet. Naruto, Lee, and Shikamaru looked at the wallet with curiosity blossoming in their wide eyes.
Kiba tilted the wallet, flap up, and let one side of it fall down. When it fell, a layer of plastic coverings that held more than a dozen two by one inch color pictures, all showing his huge and long deck.
"WHOA!" the guys yelled in surprise, causing Kiba to laugh.
"How do you like 'em apples?" Kiba snorted, placing a hand on his hip.
Naruto blinked, smiling, "Wow, the size is so big…"
"You have an impressive deck," Shikamaru nodded.
"It's unbelievable!" Lee shouted.
Then a scent of burning meat on the grill awoke the blond from his trance at staring at Kiba's large deck, Naruto quickly turned the raw side carefully with a pair of wooden chopsticks letting the smoke arise into the night air, filling the noses of the men who sat on his giant porch.
"Hey! How do you guys like your meat?" Naruto cried, slapping more patties on the grill and chugged down a can of beer.
"Make my 'wiener' nice and hot!" Lee said loudly.
"My 'hotdog' should be red and juicy!" Shikamaru ordered.
"Make my 'sausage' good and long!" Kiba licked his lips.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "Man, everyone wants theirs 'good and long'…"
"Whatever, I'm just hungry!" Kiba barked.
"Hey, do you guys want ketchup on your 'buns'?" Naruto asked, squirting some already on his bread.
Rock Lee bit his lip from laughing, his cheeks were reddening by the second. While Shikamaru snorted and struggled to regain his sanity, Kiba slapped his smirking mouth over with his hand.
Naruto rolled his blue eyes at them, "Man! You guys! Get your minds out of the gutter!"
And so began their last night of single hood.
Fin
…I still can't believe I wrote that…was it funny for you guys?